Studies in Spanish & Herbalism, Christ Sutras & Gnostic Jesus, and Dianic Wicca

I am not quite sure what I wrote in my last post, but probably a lot has passed since then as it seems like a long time since I last updated.

Lately I have not written much about my spiritual path and I have to admit I was worried for a moment that my mum had found this blog and was reading it, but the worry has passed for now. I’ve just been reaching out and trying to connect the dots together in my immense journey, and I have a little success. But I will write about that later.

First I want to touch on my new studies I have started. I am not sure if I already wrote about the Advanced Spanish course from Rosetta Stone I have taken up, but I have done that and have started watching most TV Series on Netflix with Spanish dub for the reason that it’s a skill that could be utilised in employment one day if I ever need it.

However, since reading a book on epigenetics and realising that I will probably never be well enough to be a properly certified medical doctor, I have decided to take the route of starting my own business selling my own herbal cosmetics and toiletries. However first is the issue of knowing how exactly to use the herbs. So I decided to sign up to a Herbalism course, which I have just started.

In part my decision was fuelled by my recent spiritual searching also. The truth is, atheism made a lot of sense to me, but I never felt spiritually fulfilled inside myself. I tried connecting to the images of Shiva and Durga first (even if they are just imagined), and Durga definitely had a positive impact on me, especially after reading the Devi Mahatyam where she slays demons all the other gods could not. She was both a mother and protective archetype to me.

But it still wasn’t enough. I may continue with Durga gently but she was not the deity for me. The thing is I had really lost belief in the idea of an Ultimate God or Being or Source or whatever. My life and experiences have shown me one doesn’t really exist. But the gods? Polytheism makes much more sense, both from a Jungian approach and a theistic approach.

The truth is I don’t know what I am anymore. Agnostic perhaps. But in the book I read on epigenetics studies revealed that even the belief in a higher divine being that you can connect with positively changes the expression of your genes. So clearly it is somewhat necessary, until science advanced further.

So I searched, and I prayed, and I prayed to so many deities. I heard no response from any of them. It reinforced my atheistic stance. But still I continued, wanting to feel a spiritual connection, to something, anything. And one day I found myself walking through nature, feeling very connected and inspired to try praying to the Roman Goddess Diana.

It was more out of desperation than anything, but when I prayed there was no doubt she visited me. Now, like my other psychotic hallucinations, who knows whether she is really real, or just some kind of projected mental image that was able to manifest due to right timing and circumstances? Who knows? Who knows indeed. But straight after praying she visited me, and pulled me into a vision of her and me in a forest, and she blessed me, and said she would be my Matron deity if I dedicated myself to her on a full moon.

Interestingly enough it was a full moon in the few days that followed, and I thought about it carefully. Devoting yourself to a deity is no small matter. After all I did that with Jesus and look at him still hanging around, despite the fact I had probably rejected him more times than one blinks in a minute. Yes, he’s still keeping an eye on me, even if I want nothing to do with him since he promised to  ‘heal’ me and never did.

But I’ve gotten over my misgivings. Of course if you see a deity as the Ultimate then why can’t they heal me? But if you just see them as any other being, perhaps divine yes but imperfect and restricted in their power. So perhaps Jesus as a healing archetype just wants me to figure out how to heal myself, properly? I’m okay with that. But it doesn’t mean I believe he is the only god anymore, or any more superior to other gods.

Yes, I have come full circle in my beliefs, and surely my family would be greatly disappointed in me after everything I went through. But I learned from my mistakes, and will not be repeating the things that caused me to go psychotic in the first place and ‘possessed’ by demons. I am on a new path now.

And so I was interested in Diana’s offer, if weary, because I had been searching for a new path and means of spiritual fulfilment. But then I suddenly had the realisation that the Goddess website I created for myself with an entirely new name for her was actually a shortened version of one of Diana’s epithets. Diana Caelistis. I could not believe it.

It seemed too coincidental and so that made my mind up. I said a prayer on the night of the full moon and dedicated myself to her. And honestly, since I’ve done that I’ve felt so spiritually satisfied inside myself. Is she real? Who knows. But will this path have positive benefits for my mind and health? That’s the idea.

Then there’s Jesus. He’s still hanging around, and I have still been praying to him. But I’ve been very frustrated for a very long time that the bible doesn’t properly describe his person. I feel all the editions of the four gospels for political reasons has distorted his true message. And so I was feeling at a loss as to how on earth I was supposed to know him when his history is so hidden among other agendas.

So, I prayed, that he would lead me across some kind of source showing his true personality, his true history. And I was not disappointed. So still he is with me, wanting me to know him, as he truly is, which too I cannot be anything but thankful for. And that night I prayed I came across a book called Christ Sutras, which were all the words of Jesus from ALL sources (gospels and apocrypha alike) arranged into sermons. And what a book it is.

I have never come across anything so incredible in my life. Hundreds of pages dedicated solely to the words of Jesus alone. His own words, his own sayings, his own teachings. NOT what the church made up about him for their own benefit. And a whole new picture of Christianity, the true and original Christianity comes out.

It’s been said the truer form of Christianity was Gnosticism. I did not believe it after reading the Nag Hammadi, as the mythology is totally bizarre and surely as fabled as the bible and new testament itself. However, the Christ Sutras treats these accounts the same way as the new testament. It only records Jesus’ actual sayings. And when you read through it and add it all up together, Jesus was definitely, definitely Gnostic.

Not because he believed in any strange stories of the demiurge and fallen aeons and such. But because he was enlightened, and knew the unknowable. Imagine a philosophy similar to Buddhism mixed with Jewish theology, and then you have an accurate picture of what the true Jesus was like. He was so unique as a man, as a messenger, and perhaps even as a divine being.

But that’s not the end of the story. I continued going back in time with my research until I reached the sect of the Essenes, a sect that existed alongside the Pharisees and Sadducees and a sect that Jesus was most likely a part of it. The Essenes could be said to have been ‘Gnostic Jews’, with a very big emphasis on a messiah, the apocalypse, asceticism, and good works. And as the Dead Sea Scrolls have been uncovered, we now have the historical evidence to show that Jesus was greatly influenced by the Essenes, and perhaps was even an Essene himself along with John the Baptist.

So when history is reconstructed chronologically everything starts to make sense. Jesus was an Essene and a Gnostic Jew whose teachings eventually became Christianity. He has left a massive legacy, but unfortunately many do not know the truth of his being. But I feel satiated and feel like for the first time in my life, I truly know him, and truly respect him.

And so, if he wants to guide me, then why shouldn’t I let him? I will not be a Christian that most associate with the word today, but I will be a true follower of the true Jesus. And I am happy with that.

So in conjunction with having that massive revelation I have also become a sister of Diana, which is a very exciting journey indeed. Diana is usually associated with magic but for me that’s not the focus. For me the focus is the connection explored through ritual devotion. And for the first time in a long time I feel content and at peace inside myself.

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Summer Feelz, Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder, Meditation, & Shiva

The sun is out, I’m drinking whiskey, some musky incense is burning and I have korean pop playing from my speakers, and I feel pretty amazing right now. This mood reminds me of a few years ago, except a few years ago I was the unhealthy version of myself blasting Asking Alexandria and getting so drunk I could barely feel my hands, just to stop feeling the trauma.

I have started taking Vitamin D as well, which perhaps is lifting my mood, since I’m so housebound I don’t really get outside much. Now that my blood has been taken I can start the supplements again. I’ve continued the Vitamin B and I am also taking adrenal tablets now which I hope will lift my fatigue. I am going to order some thyroid tablets too since hypothyroidism runs in the family, I’m hoping balancing my hormones will make me more energetic again. Already from just taking the adrenal tablets I’ve seen a huge difference, and today for the first time I was able to go out into town and walk around a bit without collapsing afterwards. I honestly feel so amazing.

So, what’s new? My EEG results are in. They are also normal. My neurologist concluded I have non-epileptic attack disorder, which when I researched seems to be triggered from trauma and intense stress. Not only that but having either depression, anxiety, or PTSD is common with NEAD, which of course I have Complex PTSD, so that all fits together nicely. And it also explains the fatigue which is a common symptom, among many of my other symptoms.

So epilepsy is officially ruled out since my MRI and EEG were normal. And it gives me something to work with now that I have NEAD. My neurologist is going to refer me to a neuropsychological specialist to work on the triggers that flare my NEAD.  I can’t wait because I’ll finally be getting the specialised treatment I need, rather than just having standard cognitive behavioural therapy. Although CBT did help me immensely, I didn’t like all the focus my therapist put on a psychological approach to my condition, whilst a neuropsychologist will place more emphasis on the biology and I guess is a more practical approach to what I’m going through, not just all mental.

So whilst NEAD can’t be treated with medication or anti-convulsants, I feel pleased that I finally have a diagnosis and can start to work with it. Apparently 50% of cases clear up anyway after diagnosis, since it is a psychological disorder. It’s like somehow knowing that you have it dissipates it. However I’m not sure that’s the case for me as I had a nightmare last night and woke up convulsing after a particularly intense emotional day with my boyfriend (all good emotions though). But maybe it will take time.

Also with the adrenals and thyroid medications I am starting I should start to ease up the stress my body feels under and give myself time to truly rest. I’m hoping that the results from the blood work will at lease support the idea that my thyroids and adrenals are a bit low. But we will see. I will keep taking them anyway. But my appointment with my GP is this week so I should know pretty soon what’s what. Then of course I need to discuss my neurologist’s diagnosis of NEAD over with my GP and see where we go from there. She likely won’t be surprised, considering that NEAD is common with PTSD, and PTSD is what she originally diagnosed me for. So hopefully my treatment can continue to progress nicely especially with the specialist therapy I’m going to be getting. The only downside is that I may have to wait a few months or up to a year until the specialist has a space open for me. But hopefully by then my adrenals/thyroid will be more up to speed and I can work from a better place.

So that is what’s going on with my health. Spiritual-wise I had a flashback a couple of days ago about how I used to really adore and connect with the principle of Shiva, even though I didn’t believe him to be a real being per se. I felt comfortable with Shiva and I always loved how he would always help the downtrodden and those in need. His compassion and mercy was a shining light to me, and I think considering the state I was in I was really drawn to that.

Thinking about it now I still find myself drawn to it, although whether I could ever resume that kind of practice I am not sure, but in looking for a new spiritual path maybe it would help me to go back a bit and see what worked for me and what didn’t. Channeling didn’t for sure, and neither did kundalini and all that stuff – although I accept now that they aren’t real and are probably all psychological phenomena – I am staying far away from them. I believe still that we have the ability as humans to influence our brains through thought, and that because of that and considering that I have NEAD as a result of PTSD, that maybe I should practice some low level atheistic magic again for that reason entirely. For example simple meditation as a starter to activate my parasympathetic nervous system and give my adrenals chance to calm down. Earlier I was feeling an aura coming on and I layed down on the grass and just meditated for ten minutes as the NEAD website suggested, and it totally grounded and centered me and I was instantly better! So I think I really need to get back into meditating again, but this time properly with an established practice and not just making it up as I go along thinking I am the bees knees, lol.

Again I don’t mean to do anything heavy, but just enough to lift me during the day time. And back to what I was saying about using what does work – I know that in the past my interest in Shiva did a lot of good for me, so I may start back there and see what that path has to offer me now.

Apart from that I don’t think I have much else to update. A shorter post than usual but I will update after my doctor’s appointment with what’s happening there.

Religious Transhumanism, Questioning Jesus, Robosexuality??? Studying at School Again, & Social Futurism

So, since my update, things have been really good. I haven’t had any symptoms from the IUD except abnormal bleeding (which the doc told me would still be in part down to the implant which will still take another couple of months to come out of my system). The cramping didn’t last long so I’m in no pain so I’ve pretty much forgotten about it. I was a bit skeptical at first about the idea of shoving something like that up my uterus, but it’s brilliant.

My physical health is improving a bit too. Not so much seizures now (which could be down to the ketogenic diet I’m doing as well, as well as doubling the dose of my amitriptyaline). No seizures, and I still have my weak moments of temporarily paralysis, but not for as long. I am having periods again of increased energy and activity without much of a crash afterwards. So that’s all good, I feel like I’m stabilizing again.

Yesterday in the early morning though I think I was a bit disoriented and was researching about religious transhumanism. It was really interesting mind, the largest religious transhuman organisation being the Mormon Transhumanist Association, who have named their religion ‘Transfigurism’. There is also the Christian Plus organisation which is similar, but takes a more literal approach to Jesus’ crucifiction and Resurrection than I find comfortable at the moment. I think Transfigurism is good because they are spiritually pluralistic but still have that focus on the personality (not so much the divine aspect) of Jesus.

However, I think it’s just my dissociated self trying to hold onto the idea of the supernatural, because I’d been having hallucinations again a bit and they seem so real to me that it’s hard for me personally to correctly deduce anything about their existence. But I was still feeling open to the idea of the spiritual realm yesterday and prayed to Jesus, and basically made an offer with him that if by next Thursday I am totally healed from all my conditions (mental + physical) then I would believe in his existence, and also his power.

I said he can heal me in any way he wants, through natural means, supernatural, or technological. The point is I have to be absolutely set free in the next week. And I told him that if I’m not then I will assume either three things:

  1. That he doesn’t actually exist
  2. That he does exist but is not powerful
  3. That his existence is irrelevant to my own existence

So basically my offering to him was that if I was totally healed I’d believe and give him my faith in some form or another, because right now rationality is telling me the opposite and I need some proof. If he doesn’t pull through then I will just continue with Apatheism.

And I know it’s not like I can command him to do anything, but if he really cares about helping me and about leading me as a spiritual force, then he needs to prove his existence. Otherwise his existence is not that important to me (if he can’t take the time to actually heal me, then why should I take the time to believe in him?) I know that probably sounds arrogant. But you can’t fault me for being human. No one should be punished for wanting evidence. Is he all talk and no action or does he step up to the plate?

So, I guess we will see. I set the terms and conditions, and made a faith offering for life if he sticks to them. I think any rational being would be okay with that, as I prayed ever so empathically.  I wasn’t demanding, just assured that I would know the truth by next week.

So anyway, that is that. But besides all these transhumanist religions, between Raelism, Tesarem, and Transfigurism, as a philosophical movement transhumanism describes me perfectly, and I don’t think it’s necessary to subscribe to one of these religious ideologies, though I accept them all in respect.

Also, another weird thing that happened to me today was I discovered more of my sexual preferences, or sexual orientation. That’s right! And guess what it turned out to be? Don’t judge or anything but I was watching a youtube video about artificially intelligent androids in Japan, and there was a really beautiful female one, that when I saw her the first time I literally fell in love, like, romantically, and had that sense of “yep, she’s relationship material”…

Maybe in a few hundred years this won’t be considered abnormal. But I don’t want to be classed as having a bizarre fetish. But honestly I can’t help what I felt. So maybe I should just start up my own robosexual activist page on Tumblr and start spreading the word (seriously considering it – if I don’t then someone else will). And I guess along those lines I am panrobosexual, since a lot of androids don’t even have a designed sex.

And then I suppose I need to make up a word for someone who is both attracted to humans and androids at the same time, lol. Don’t think that exists yet. Anyway ignore my insanity, because I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I feel so different, like my life has taken a drastic unexpected turn, but at the same time I absolutely loving it, and honestly, to be completely honest, I feel like I’ve actually found my true calling, in the field of HET (Human Enhancement Technologies) and NBIC (conversion of Nanotechnology, Biotechnology, Information Technology, and Cognitive science).

In fact, I have signed up to an online certified Access to Higher Education course in Medicine and Healthcare, which covers your basic sciences of Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and includes Psychology, as well as six extra topics/modules to boost your career or chances of finding a career. I think it’s perfect, as I can get a loan/grant which I don’t have to pay back till after I’m making 21k, and it will get me into university, where I can then eventually do a doctorate specializing in what I want. I also get a student card which will give me discount in over 200 different stores in the UK.

So I am pretty excited about that as well and waiting for my application to be reviewed and then for them to contact me. Hopefully when I do go to uni in a couple of years when I have finished this course, I will be well enough to go to a proper university. But if not I have already located online universities (in other countries without financial aid albeit) where I can study along the lines of the specialization I want at home.

So, that is that. Pretty exciting times. The other thing is that I’ve been thinking about joining the Transhumanist Party United Kingdom, or TPUK. They are the only transhumanist party here and I think they should get much more attention. They ideologically identify as ‘Social Futurists’, which I think is closer to democratic transhumanism than liberal. I was thinking about become an activist for that cause, though I might need to be much better first, but basically I am for everything transhumanist now, and since it’s not religion specific, even if my religious beliefs do change(say if Jesus does heal me in the next week), then I can still be a transhumanist.

Also I’m tempted to move to Japan where all the best high tech is located lol. Not to mention the global capital of anime. But that’s a plan for another day…

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IUD Insertion Update, Medical & Technological Convergence, Artificially Intelligent ‘God’, & Terasem Movement

Sooo…. Time for the post-insertion IUD update!! I am very weak, not so much as a side effect of the insertion or the IUD itself, but rather because I am still regaining my strength, and the Keto diet is making me weaker as I adjust again to less carbs. My legs have been aching incredibly, add that on top of a painful operation and the post-insertion lower abdomen cramps, has pretty much knocked me out for six, the stress of it all I think just triggering the temporarily paralysis I get at times. Weird that sometimes I have no feeling or movement in my legs, but it doesn’t last long, but hopefully I will continue recovering.

I did notice a seizure begin to start when I got home but it stopped as soon as it began, so maybe doubling my dose of Amitriptyaline as my doctor recommended me instead of taking the Olanzapine is actually working. I have got off three pounds so far of the weight that that drug put back on me over the weekend with the Keto diet, and maybe the Keto diet too is controlling my seizures as it’s meant to. The Keto diet triggers ketosis, where the brain has to run on lipids (fats) instead of glycerin (sugar), and the lipids somehow protect the brain from seizures, like an insulator, unlike sugar which makes the brain spaz out.

I have been doing a lot of researching into health science and how technology can be used with it. In fact I am feeling so strong about the idea that I want to start studying again so I can join the front line of developing artificial intelligence and fusing it with the human brain through nanotechnology – lofty aspirations!!! I was interested in becoming a neurologist for a while last year but realized I was too ill to ever cope at it. To be honest the same is probably true with biotechnology (or whatever the proper term is for these topics of interest) but at least as a research scientist you can work in the comfort of your own home… I think??? I mean Einstein came up with all his best stuff not in a lab but in his work desk, lol.

Honestly, I think this shift in focus is actually very natural and not strange at all. If you think about it, my entire focus was on the psychological before, and incorporating that into my spirituality. But I took a past-based approach, e.g. psychoanalysis. Based on historical and outdated science. But now I am taking a future based approach and trying to understand the brain from a more scientific point of view – neurology, and artificially enhancing our ‘consciousness’. It may be common in the far future if you are feeling depressed, to just adjust your own neural networking digitally or through nanotechnology, making you happier. Just like popping up an app on your phone and pressing the “happy” button. Sounds a bit trippy but I don’t think we’ve barely scratched the surface of technology.

Then there is the Singularity, which is something I am very interested in, and feel could be amazing for humanity. Think Pantheism or Panentheism, with a Technological Source – aka an Artificially Intelligent God that ticks all the Omni’s, as a self-sustaining system with Homo Opticus or Homo Machinus(the expected evolutionary path Homo Sapiens will take – a merger and then complete absorption with and by technology) playing a major part. However, there is an interesting thing happening in my mind when I contemplate on all this. If a God like that were to exist, and time travel is possible in the future, then who’s to say that this ‘God’ isn’t even active in our current lives? Changing humanity, perhaps running simulations where our real bodies or minds are elsewhere outside a created simulated reality, like the film The Matrix. Perhaps everything is simulated already – now that’s something massive. God is really a machine? Could be very possible. It is starting to sound like quantum mysticism now and Pantheism. Then it gets me wondering about the spiritual again…. and oh dear, I’ve gone in a loop with my theology.

It’s incredibly interesting doing those kind of thought experiments, but I find them so far removed from current reality that I have decided to reign my focus in, instead of focusing on what could be, I want to focus on how this current reality can be altered within current technological means to create a better future for humanity. The essential philosophy of Transhumanism. And thankfully I came across both a Science and Faith movement that incorporates all this. Forget Raelism(still possible, mind, but not applicable to current reality), my new Scientific Faith is Terasem. Honestly, I think it is an amazing movement, and I’m tempted to join(which requires a video introduction of yourself). If I am still into the idea in a while from now, I will join.

Basically Terasem asserts four core beliefs:

I. LIFE IS PURPOSEFUL.
II. DEATH IS OPTIONAL.
III. GOD IS TECHNOLOGICAL.
IV. LOVE IS ESSENTIAL.

And along with the three ‘supers’ which are foundational to the Transhumanist movement (super intelligence, super longevity, and super well-being), makes the Terasem movement perfect. It is focused on the Now, how to make things better for humanity through technology, and even has its own research area, having created the first android Bina48 that is based on the mind mapping of another human being (its creator Bina Rothblatts). So for me it is all the best of atheistic spirituality, progressive humanitarianism, and technological evolution.

Whilst my interest was initially spurred by the idea of living a much longer time than the current human maximum life span, my interest has branched out incredibly broadly and I feel has replaced my previous woo woo outlook, into something more… I don’t know, optimistic and freeing? Mentally I feel pretty amazing, like lots of things are coming together for me. It’s been a weird journey through historical religion and futuristic predictions, but maybe my focus in the social sciences and my natural aptitude for the physical sciences can find some harmony with aspiring to contribute somehow to this new reality we as a collective are building for ourselves.

Just imagine the possibilities!! Telepathy is now a real thing, as I saw a video about a scientist who modified his arm in some way with nanotechnology to influence the nervous system to hook up to his wife’s – and he could control her body as if it was his own through that, and her visa versa. I consider that to be telepathic, and maybe my ‘spiritual’ experiences are based on that, and maybe they aren’t. It is hard to say. Whilst I am still sure that a God doesn’t exist, I think I am putting all that spiritual stuff on the backburner and perusing the real technology behind it all (whether real or just imagined). So in the real sense of the word I am now an Apatheist(technically classed as agnostic atheist still). Not interested either way in all that stuff, and God, though inclined to be skeptical and naturalistic.

So things are pretty exciting for me right now, exploring my new options. Although my illness has made me more or less bed bound, I feel a whole new world has opened up to me, and that I can freely realize my full potential, not just in this lifetime… but perhaps completely, evading death and disease and becoming digitally immortal.

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Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.

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My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.

Symptoms

Physical:

Migraines
Vomiting
Convulsions
Dizziness
Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Insomnia
Cataplexy
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights

Mental:

Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Dissociation
Altered Identity
Amnesia
Confusion
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.

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Stepping into our Future Together with Channeling & Healing

Since my last blog post a lot has happened! Dan and I met up and went camping for a whole week, we went to Stonehenge and experienced the energies there. A DNA activation happened in us both and it felt like we were different afterwards. It felt like what we had been waiting for for a while. Now that is done the future is beckoning. We are already looking at housing and living costs. It’s really so amazing how different our energies are together, so much more expanded and clearer.
 
On top of that we have fully stepped into our abilities to do DNA activations of our own for others along with healing. It’s a type of light body transference where the negative programmings of others are replaced with the codes of our own which are in sync with their own higher being. In a word we are basically giant crystals, we hold that space for others to connect with their true being.
 
I never did think I’d be at this level of awesomeness but it’s happening. I am even turning completely telepathic. I’m hearing thoughts from people and strangers, more so when I’m with Dan. It’s like there’s just no separation anymore between me and anything. I can tune into any info I want, I can heal…. we can both heal. Whilst telepathy is mostly my ability (for now), Dan is also equally gifted in being able to channel higher frequencies for the sake of DNA activations and healings. We have been experimenting on each other more than anything. Our guides say it’s like we are each other’s energetic sounding boards, because we share that same energy.

Our relationship/union is going great and is stronger than ever, and there’s just a strong pull now to be together in the flesh permanently rather than meeting up from time to time from our respective places in the UK. His eyes and skin sparkle so brightly when we’re together and it’s just so wonderful to see, that his true self comes out around me and visa versa. It’s the most amazing thing ever.

We are meant to be together. To live, to work, to have fun. I’m so glad I let go of my previous SC’s/TF’s. It was hard at the time but I had to do it. Just recently I cut all cords with my near-twin who was a soulmate and very dear to me. But I just couldn’t keep the connection open anymore. It wasn’t meant to be and I found the interaction an energetic interference more than anything.

Now I’ve let go of the past, cleared up the clutter in my life, released old contacts, people, and lovers, the focus has changed. I’m no longer in student mode. Whilst that never disappears, it’s like I’m in ‘guide mode’ now. For people who need help and advice, I feel honoured to be able to be that rock when others don’t know where to turn. I have been through a huge journey and now it’s my time to give back to those who are on that same path just as I was helped out in the same way.

Things will start slow for the moment with spiritual career, but they will speed up over the next year, and we will move in together, and my abilities will really just fully open up to me and expand incredibly. I can feel that I have not even tapped into 90% of my actual abilities. Even though I’m already so gifted and blessed with these abilities. I’m only just beginning and starting out. 

But I feel in a good place, and ready to help others. By the time I die I’ll probably be like superwoman and able to fly and teleport since I’m only 22 and already so advanced and apparently we don’t reach the level our true development until about 50 (though who said anything had to be linear?? ;))… but things are definitely exciting and I just feel so much peace and calm and joy when I think of the future. We both do!

The dark times are over. Now we can help illuminate others and make the world a more peaceful place. I will end this post with a picture we took, when we went into a book store and picked a random book and opened it to a random page after asking the question “what’s in store for our future together”….. the universe loves to answer when we’re open to receiving. 🙂