After the healing session it made me realise how little I knew about myself despite my defiance that I was almost fully aware. Due to that I’ve made the conscious choice now to stop being critical or judgemental towards others.. I’m releasing anything negative in my energy field. That includes all worry or fear I still carry around. I’m being positive instead! I mean I thought I was positive anyway, but not as much as I thought I was. I still fear consequences from the past, and just realising that was crazy.
In order to understand more about myself again on a subconscious level I’ve reverted back to Jung’s active imagination technique, which I will copy-paste below from my other blog:
So I started this session laying on my bed, did a five minute mediation to clear my mind. It was pretty hard to get into the flow of things as I haven’t meditated for ages, also it was in the middle of the day so my waking mind was more active.
Anyway, I used my old way to start things. I visualised myself in a cave with a lake, but I found I didn’t feel right there anymore. I teleported to a sunny field where I saw a girl there spinning around happily. Don’t know if that means anything, but I wasn’t fully grounded into the scene at that point. So I used my old techniques to do that; felt the grass, smelled the wind, saw the sunshine.
Then I was lead to a tree trunk, I walked to it and a door opened up. I walked in and was lowered back down into the original scene: A cave underground with a watery lake filling most of it. I was on the stony ground and I went up to the lake and peered in: I saw a fish which I think morphed into a huge monster thing. I didn’t really perceive the details of what it looked like, I just know it was a monster. I remember mostly black and red colours.
I jumped back scared and the monster spoke in a deep gravelly voice:(I don’t remember everything that was said so this is just the gist of it)
“Who do you think you are to enter my abode?” (the tone was intimidating)
Me: I-I’m Hayley, I was just wondering what was down hereMonster: Well now you know, don’t ever come back here again or I’ll bite your head off (curiously that threat is similar to a one my step-dad used to make all the time to me)*monster starts to retreat into the water again*Me: But wait*monster turns around* what?Me: I just wanted to know how you are?(have no idea why I said this, it’s pretty much all guided by HS)
At that point I felt something strange flicker through the monster’s consciousness, as if it was a long time since any one asked him that and he didn’t know how to respond. I also felt energy building up quickly in my body at this point.
Me continuing: You must be pretty lonely down here all by yourself with no one to talk to
Then that energy that was building up in my body just blasts through me and I growl as I release whatever it was I was releasing (growling tends to be normal for me when releasing stuff but this was more intense than usual).. I was knocked out of my imagination by the blast and then I start tearing up a little as I felt that loneliness that the monster had been feeling.
Then I’m just laying there like what even just happened, try to regain my senses. I wanted to go back to visit the monster to continue whatever we were talking about but as I’m about to do so I take a deep breath and all these waves of light hit me in the face and I jump up sh-t scared effectively breaking my trance. Not the first time that’s happened!
Karla wrote me in her manual that when I see those it’s actually split off parts of myself integrating back into my aura.
On top of that I’ve decided to become more of an active participant in my energy healing process. I’ve decided that no I’m not going to try and take over the process, but that I just want to help complement it. I have no need or desire to control it now. Though I still want to understand what’s happening, everything will be revealed in perfect time. I mean imagine if I found out this time last year that the reason I was puking was because I had an entity?! I wasn’t ready to know or to have it removed.
So concerning active energy work I’ve started experimenting more with thought forms. Creating shields is a basic thoughtform, though something I never realised was a thoughtform. I’m going to read up on shamanic healing for better understanding and techniques as that’s interesting me right now, but I tried cleansing my aura last night through a vortex and both felt and saw as it took on a life of its own. Afterwards I felt much lighter as before I’d started to feel bogged down again by the energy around me coming from family and next door. I’ve also been experimenting with channelling energy as well as creating ethereal replicas my crystals to use, and I have lots of cool ideas of where to go with this.
I was doing my Kundalini kriyas, something I do about two-three times a week now because I can’t always be bothered to do it every night. Anyway, it first of all started off with a series of Uddiyana Bandhas about five minutes in. I found those to be painful before when I had my entity, as the prana would just hit the entity and make me feel sick as I was trying to release it. It wasn’t able to go past it. Tonight is the first time my body has done any for me since my healing this time last week.
I noticed straight away no resistance. My stomach sucked in all the way and I just perceived emptiness. There was nothing blocking the center of the chakra. I don’t know where the prana actually goes to (I’m assuming the back of the chakra???) because I haven’t looked, it just feels empty there in the center during my sessions. Though I know there is more junk in it as it still comes up for release throughout the day and is still heavy sometimes (though I have a theory that the solar plexus might be the ‘expulsion chamber’ of negative energy from the rest of the body, since negative energy apparently usually enters that way too).
Anyway, about five minutes in I noticed the difference in these series of Bhandas. Roughly five minutes more and I noticed my legs felt heavy. Then the back of my head felt heavy. Then my back. Sometime before then I felt a reassurance from one of my guides. I realise now that I was being pre-grounded. Then I start to feel dizzy. The back of my head is picking up more energy. All the time I’m spontaneously breathing deep and fast, I notice my legs start vibrating. The vibration travels up my body.
Then I feel a cool water feeling trickling at the back of my head. The whole time I’ve been laying on the floor with my legs apart but feet together, my hands laid upon my solar plexus in some sort of position. I then feel the trickling water sensation at my sex chakra (not sacral, the one under that but above the root), and then all of a sudden what I can only describe as liquid fire starts rushing up my root, through my entire body, out through the back of my head.
At this point I don’t know whether I’m in bliss or agony, I experience Kundalini rising all the time but NEVER as strong as THAT!
Meanwhile the vibrating in my body is picking up an insane intensity. By this point I’m a live wire and if anyone touched me they would probably be electrocuted, I’m sure of it. I was vibrating like a mobile/cell phone does, all over, like my entire body was just completely in sync, RESONATING… I can’t explain, it was crazy ridiculous.
Then I start giggling, like, uncontrollably. Can’t control it, just giggling away like mad. The giggling then stops and the energy just gets so intense I feel like I’m about to pass out. My vision was fading into white and I couldn’t go on at that point. I got up and tried to get the whole thing to slow down and stop. I started having another giggling fit during that time.
Once that had passed I was just sat there on my floor shaking like one does when they experience shock. It was INSANE!
Took a while to get my bearings after that. I’m now sat with my dravite to keep me grounded.
During the whole thing I kept seeing waves of light both white and black streaming towards me, my best bet is that I just had a huge integration and healing session.
I’m wondering if all the sugary sweets I ate before had anything to do with that. But I didn’t even know the human body could vibrate like that. Felt like I was going to dematerialise into another dimension LOL!
Anyway, for some reason I always feel the Kundalini go out the back of my head which is weird. I wonder why that is. My crown is perfectly open and fine, but it never goes out that way…
I just checked out my aura and it’s a shimmery pale blue now.
Let’s start at the beginning. I grew up without a father, and when I was two my mother met a man which she then married on my third birthday. Unknown to her, she’d married into abuse. I was a bubbly, happy, and somewhat uncontrollable child up to that point. However over the coming years that person who I was was suppressed to an extremity. I became quiet, withdrawn, and increasingly isolated to a degree to which no child should ever have to experience.
This problem was compounded by the fact that I was bullied in my school years, something I believe was a sad unconscious knock on effect due to the abuse I was receiving at home. When I moved to secondary school I decided that I wanted to have friends, but that was when my problems with split personalities started to emerge. My younger self that had been repressed almost to the point of no return had decided that it would use this chance to emerge. Of course my younger self was very friendly, so it only makes sense that that part of me would come out in order to try and make friends.
However the problem that I soon encountered, unknown to me at the time, was that that part of me was severely underdeveloped. I had no control over it whatsoever, and in a bid to try and regain the attention that it hadn’t adequately received over the last nine years, it took over me completely and became more or less a god to annoying and unbelievably impulsive attention seeker. I can’t really explain how bad it was, but let’s just say my hopes of gaining friends were completely shattered.
In my second year of secondary school I moved schools, and by this time that part of me had calmed down just enough to make some friends. It was still extremely impulsive though, and by this time my more violent tendencies were starting to take over. instead of being bullied, I was slowly turning into the bully. Only a natural thing really after being abused for so long. It needed an outlet, and unaware of what I was doing I started taking it out on other people by hurting them.
At this point, just before my thirteenth birthday, my parents decided enough was enough and they pulled me out of school completely. I became home-schooled. The next three years were probably the worst in my life. My step-dad you see never had a job, so I had to put up with him 24/7. Not only that but I was basically not allowed any friends. I basically spent those three years cooped up hiding in my room doing almost next to nothing, apart from studying, because I wasn’t really allowed to have many hobbies either. It was.. god awful.
During those four years I had time to reflect on my behaviour at school. Coming to terms with the wrongness of my actions, I started to repress that side of myself, as if my step-dad hadn’t repressed it enough already. Not really knowing what was going on, I convinced myself that in future I wouldn’t be so reckless and that I would be more civilized.
When I was fifteen I managed to somehow, finally, after five years, procure myself a guitar that I was allowed to play. This was the beginning of a new phase in my life, and by the time I was sixteen I was accepted onto a music course in college, after somehow having managed to convinced my step-dad to let me go. However, this started the second worst part of my life, which was completely god awful in a completely different way.
At first everything was okay, but as time went on, that repressed impulsive part of me started to rear its ugly head again. Not only that, but my depression hit an all time low. It was like an explosion of three years worth of trapped feelings due to dissociation from being completely isolated was attacking me from every corner. It was unbearable. My parents took me out of college again because of it and because of step-dad’s need to control me, and the summer before my seventeenth birthday was so bad I started planning my own suicide.
Unable to deal with the feelings as I was, I eventually became dissociated again, until a year later I joined a church and the impulsivity came back. So I isolated myself again out of habit and so on and so on. The next three years until my step-dad was forced to leave was a continuation of the impulsive-dissociated cycle that had pervaded my entire life since his arrival.
Roughly about this time last year, when he left, I started to realize that I had a problem with my psyche being ‘split’. In a bid to sort it out, I did the only thing I knew how to do, and over time completely repressed and eradicated absolutely everything split off that kept trying to force its way up. In doing this, a new part part of me formed, presumably for the repressed aspects to find an outlet in a less impulsive way. This was the beginning of my ‘sociopathic’ phase.
The underdeveloped, impulsive, and violent part of me was basically still in control, but it had found a new way to control me, by making me think that I was controlling it instead. As long as I didn’t get too impulsive then it was free to press its agenda. Its need for attention turned into a need for revenge, and as it became darker, as written above, it split again and turned into something completely different, this time less impulsive due to wanting friends, and more hateful due to a repressed need to be heard.
As time went on though, this part of me developed its own life, and it started to squash down the impulsive part of me by its own accord. It was a control freak, and so the evil I had endured outside for years had become a part of me and carried living on without my consent. It took over me, its goal to search, destroy, and feed off anyone and anything it could. It had no life of its own really. It needed that to survive. And its main goal of survival was self protection of both itself and of me.
By this point this part of me had taken me over so completely, and it did such a good job that I believed that I’d cured my split personality problem completely, despite the huge unavoidable identity crisis I was perpetually faced with. And then at that point I was probably so broken that the universe decided it was a good idea to thrust my twin flame in my face and turn my world upside down and drag me to hell and back and then randomly give me a spiritual awakening that seems to have cured me almost completely, something I’ve written about before in a previous post.
Those past six months were basically comprised of all the walls in my psyche coming down which were separating me from the rest of myself. In more simple terms, I got to know these parts of me, parts that had taken on their own life over the years due to neglect, and I learned to accept them and to find out what they needed and then give it to them best I could, rather than repress them. These last six months weren’t easy, but I persisted.
Towards the end of this period I had my spiritual awakening, and among other things, one main thing it seems to have done is integration of those parts of me. They’re no longer so hugely split and they no longer have control of me the way they used to. I am much more whole now and I have no identity crisis. I know who I am outside of these sadly mistreated parts of me, and it’s that that keeps them together now. However, I doubt the splits will ever heal completely. I will always have these ‘parts’ of me, despite the fact they’re less splits than aspects now. But I’m okay with that, because it helps me to understand myself, and understand what I need. If I’m not sure I’ll just use a bit of mindfulness or active imagination or dream analysis to help me out. Or sometimes I can just connect directly to the part of me which keeps them all working together now, my transcendent Self, and it tells me what’s best for the whole.
So, I hope this was a sufficient enough explanation and that now people can understand just exactly what I mean when I refer to my split personalities. Perhaps I wouldn’t be accepted for a classical diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, but that doesn’t make the fact that I have a multiple personality to some degree any less real.
[I think I’ll probably write a short overview of the different aspects of me in a later post, especially since now I have new ones I’ve found further into my unconscious due to my awakening.]
In wake of my spiritual awakening, however, finding labels for myself has become less important, and exploring and mapping the depths of human consciousness not just for myself but for other persons potential future benefit has become more important for me. Jung has been a huge inspiration for me regarding this, his theories of the human psyche greatly enhancing my own psychological health. However, it’s come to my attention that the time in which Jung lived considered homosexuality as unnatural, and this has risen a great many questions in regards not only in sexual orientation in relation to his theories, but also in gender identity.
I can’t speak for all of humanity, but my own search of the unconscious has brought a few things to light for me personally. Perhaps someone who comes across this and is looking for an alternate theory like myself will be illuminated by what I have to write.
I’ve read of many people wanting to scrap Jung’s theories completely and to come up with a new modern friendly version instead, where homosexuals and non-binary genders aren’t ostracised as defects. However, I see a problem in this. The problem being that his theories work. This makes it more likely then, that his theories were just incomplete. Much like British explorers of the Americas a few centuries ago, the whole thing that he believed to have mapped is perhaps only part, seen incompletely.
A post that I did manage to save onto this blog was one about the discovery of my positive animus, my inner male counterpart. He appeared to me in a dream about six months ago, emerging from a void alone and heartbroken, after years of being repressed by his more negative counterpart. Before then I’d identified as trans-masculine for a while, completely taken over and identified with my negative animus. This is only in my case though. I don’t think it’s safe to assume that all trans-gendered persons are anima/us possessed. And even if they were, I’m not sure there’s actually anything wrong with that in itself, seeing how we are all equally part masculine and feminine. As long as it’s the healthy, positive version of the archetype I think it’s probably fine. I wasn’t healthy and positive though, and I wasn’t fine. I was living in response to trauma. A lifetime of negative fatherly influence trying to make itself known through me.
Apart from that time when I was negatively animus possessed, I’ve always identified as agender. Or, more accurately, my ego has. My ego doesn’t identify with any gender. It never has done. I still consider myself genderqueer though as an all inclusive term, because my archetypes themselves are very much distinctly feminine and masculine and depending on which one I am currently identified with my gender identity may shift slightly. Note I said masculine and feminine and not male and feminine.
I think there needs to be a distinction between the masculine and feminine characteristics and the archetypal container they come packaged in. In this case, feminine characteristics usually belong to the female archetype, just as masculine characteristics usually belong to the male archetype. However, I don’t think that this is set in stone, as in reality people portray both no matter their gender. For example: I’ve noticed I get nervous around assertive women. Their ‘masculine’ characteristics set off warning bells in my own negative animus. I’m weary of them and I don’t get too close. But if I’m around a sensitive man with more feminine characteristics in their ego, I feel much more relaxed.
In this way the anima is usually the container for the feminine archetypes, whilst the animus is usually the container for the masculine archetypes, which then are either extended into the ego or are projected. There may be exceptions, such as a feminine animus and a masculine anima, but personally, this hasn’t been my experience. Instead, what this has been leading up to for me is a revelation along the lines of a person having both an anima and an animus.
At first I rejected this idea, because it wouldn’t make much sense for non-binary genders. I wanted to think that the soul-image was outside the duality of the masculine and feminine opposites, and that it’s usually just projected onto members of the preferred sex in a way that was compatible with the complexes formed as part of the ego. In my case, I’ve often wondered whether my bisexuality/lesbianism was a result of my negative animus complex blocking access to my soul-image, which then caused some sort of rerouting through my positive female complexes. Something I also don’t believe is innately wrong or unnatural, if that were the case. But I don’t believe it is the case.
I remember back to when I had that dream of my positive animus. Round about that time my mother became a prominent figure in my dreams. Indeed she won’t leave me alone. She appears almost every night. As a positive influence in real life, her qualities also tend to extend into my dream world. She’s my helper, my support, and my guide. She also often protects me when I’m facing the more shadowy parts of my self. For a long time I wondered what aspect of me she represented. I just couldn’t figure it out.
Last night, however, I had a dream that I was literally being taken on a tour around my psyche by this female guide. (Awesome dream. Everything looks good in there.) At one point however, I got lost, but then a male character led me back on track. This made me realize a trend. The positive male characters in my dreams are often leading, whilst the positive female characters in my dreams are often guiding. And then it hit me. The answer I’d been looking for all this time. This inner female that has been coming to my conscious awareness more over time: she is my anima. I felt the absolute truth of it as soon as I thought it.
Indeed, Jung states that the anima figure in men’s dreams often projects itself onto the waking mother figure. Whilst the animus projects itself in dreams onto many different men. I often questioned the validity of this theory: until I realized that it pretty much follows the same pattern in my own psyche. I don’t really understand the dynamics of this, but I hope to in time.
Looking back, I can see how my anima has also manifested in dream characters like the Virgin Mary, and my animus in dream characters such as Lucifer. I also met my wise old woman/higher Self once in a dream, a long time ago, which was scary. But I digress. In waking life I’ve projected my anima onto Hindu Goddesses such as Shakti and Kali, and I’ve projected my animus mostly onto the Christian God, seeing how I was brought up Christian, and the Wiccan horned God. The interesting thing about all this, is that my mother figure and my animus both appeared in my dreams about the same time. I believe they are intimately entwined, on roughly the same health level, one unable to survive without the other.
Now, this makes me wonder about the shadow. I’ve noticed that in Jungianism a man’s negative anima will often resemble a woman’s shadow, and a woman’s negative animus will often resemble a man’s shadow. The truth is, the negative aspects of either the anima or the animus are steeped in shadow.
Before I realized the truth of my anima, I considered this inner divine feminine image to be the positive opposite to my feminine shadow, since every archetype has one. But then, as has been realized, if that opposite actually turns out to be my anima, then wouldn’t that make my feminine shadow basically a negative anima? The traits matched up.
I am coming to reject Jung’s belief that the contrasexual image is restricted solely to the soul image. In fact I think they’re two separate things completely. The contrasexual image (detached from its projection onto lovers) I believe forms part of the ego, extending from personal subconscious complexes that form our experiences of the opposite sex, which in turn extend from the contrasexual half of the soul-image. In this way, I believe that every person is comprised of the two main universal archetypes throughout all layers of consciousness: the masculine and the feminine. Although one may be weaker, I believe that they roughly take up the same amount of psychological space.
The masculine and feminine aspects in turn have each their own shadow. And so in this way, a person is made up of primarily four parts: the masculine, the feminine, and their respective shadows. From there they split into their separate complexes and archetypes. For example, a persons masculine nature may be comprised of the wise old man, the animus, and the puer, whilst a person’s feminine nature may be equally compromised of the wise old woman, the anima, and the puella. I have also met my inner boy child (puer) in my dreams, and from reading up online I’ve noticed many other women have too. So I can say that this part of my theory has some empirical evidence to back it up.
In relation to sexual orientation, I think a person’s preference is the development of many things on a subconscious level. A projection of the relative half of the soul-image rerouted through a mixture of personal complexes and identifications. I say this because personally I believe that the deeper one goes into the unconscious and the closer one gets to the source the less these things become important. We’re all one really. The one but many, all from the same source, transcendent of duality completely. But that is perhaps a post for another time.
This brings me to the function of the animus in men and the anima in women. What’s the point of it if they’re not going to be projected onto a member of the same sex romantically? Perhaps maybe this is why LGBTQIA persons may be more prone to noticing their same sex soul-image. They are projecting it onto persons romantically, whilst straight cis-gendered persons may just project it onto idols they wish they were more like, perhaps embodying it better. I also suggest that in this case it functions mostly as a support and an embodiment to both the contrasexual soul-image and the ego, as I’ve noticed in my dreams also lately, these three seem to come together. And similarly in homosexual persons, the contrasexual soul-image mostly works to support and embody both the the same sex soul-image and the ego.
This isn’t the same as the hermaphrodite archetype though. That suggests that the same sex soul-image is a kind of a deeper contrasexual soul-image in its own right. And this makes no sense to me, because it makes it out to be not only on a different level in a a potentially more inferior way in comparison, but it just starts an infinite inward spiral of anima-animus-anima archetypes.
It’s also not the same as the double archetype. The double is classified as being between the ego and the soul-image. But as is now obvious, I believe the anima-animus to be two parts of one whole soul-image, which need to be worked on simultaneously before one can move onto the higher self. The double does basically have the same theory, however, but again, I don’t like how it elevates the contrasexual soul image, as it implies an inequality. As I said before, I believe everyone has both masculine and feminine characteristics throughout all levels of consciousness, and that includes the soul image. And just like the anima and animus seem to be intimately entwined, so do their shadow counterparts also seem to be.
So, to recap: It’s possible everyone has both an animus and an anima. In their entirety they are comprised of the personal soul-image, the personal subconscious masculine and feminine complexes, their respective shadows, and also their respective collective unconscious attributes. Other archetypes such as the divine child and the wise old wo/man can overlap with the personal masculine and feminine complexes part of the anima-animus, but usually I would consider them separate.
Post Note: Something that came to me today in regards to the function of the anima-animus soul-image within relationships is the suggestion that when one projects one half of the soul image, they identify with the other. Perhaps this is why the other works to support the ego. So for example, a straight man would project the anima and identify with the animus, whilst a homosexual person would project the animus and identify with the anima.
Looking back I’ve actually noticed this a lot in myself. The interesting thing is that this is similar to Jung’s theory in that a homosexual man will identify with his anima, but in his case he saw it as a sign of psychological immaturity, not realizing that the man would’ve been projecting the other half of his soul-image instead. And then of course projection of any kind shows inferiority anyway, since the goal of any person, whether straight or homosexual is to withdraw both the projections and identifications, integrate them, and then embody them equally and safely within the expanded ego-persona.
I also suggest that whilst a person will mostly identify with one half of the soul-image and project the other, the two cannot be separated completely, meaning that aspects of both are projected and identified with but in varying amounts. This makes sense because whilst the main half of one’s projection lands on the persona-ego of another, there needs to be some sort of projection to meet the contrasexual embodiments of the persona-ego in the other which have been extended from the contrasexual half of the soul image.
Example: Take a straight couple. The man would project his anima and identify with his animus, whilst the woman would project her animus and identify with her anima. But the man would also project a little of his animus onto the masculine characteristics within a woman’s ego which are extended from her animus, whilst in a similar light the man’s ego already contains feminine characteristics extended from his anima, which the woman will then project her anima onto. This concept extends to homosexual couples, although reversed, respectively. The variation of projection and identification between the two however may be down to how well integrated a person is as well as down to their sexual orientation and gender identity.
Now I’m no master of meditation, and I don’t really do it that often, but I think I have the basic techniques down. Lay down comfortably, stop moving, count your breaths or repeat a mantra, control and slow your breathing down, quiet your mind, ect. As it was imagery work though I stopped counting my breaths after a few minutes when my mind was silent, although I kept an eye on the speed of my breathing. I had some dark ambient music on too, which I’ve found extremely useful for trips into the subconscious before.
Also when I say ‘imagery work’ I have to just mention here that most of it is just impressions upon my mind until I’ve been in a meditative state long enough to actually see the images before me in a hypnogogia like state. Altogether I was meditating for about twenty-five minutes. I’ve found that time goes a lot faster in the mind, and sometimes it even feels like I’ve time traveled when I come out of it again. The mind truly is an amazing thing.
I decided to write what I remember happening here as a record. I’m going to try writing it in story format rather than list what happened, but I will try my hardest not to embellish it too much. Without further ado:
I closed my eyes and found myself in the midst of a marsh. There were bits of organic debris strewn around everywhere and the mud was thick beneath my feet. I raked my hands through the mud, trying to get a feel of the place. I looked up and I saw a setting sun. The sky was golden and it gave off a slight eerie vibe. I decided to start walking straight ahead, raking my hands through the mud a few more times along the way. After a while I came towards a large expanse of water that resembled an ocean. I looked out across it wondering where to go next, and I wondered if my shadow would show itself to me then. So I called for it across the water. Nothing happened. I was disappointed, but resolved to find another way. Suddenly the air above the water became misty and the next time I blinked and opened my eyes I found myself in cave.
The cave was large and I could hear a ravine off to the far side. As I looked around, I noticed a woman floating by me. Then I noticed a man standing beside her. He had a knife in his hand and it was poised to strike at the woman. The woman’s eyes flew open and they were deep red, and at that moment I shouted at him to stop. I didn’t want her to die. I did almost succeed in getting him to stop, but ultimately he did not listen to me. The knife came down and as the blade struck her skin, a monster came out of the shadows behind them. It started towards me and I fell backwards trying to get away. In my effort to escape I fell down a small tunnel. I was worried that the monster would follow me, but he was too big to get down the tunnel.
At the end of the tunnel I found myself in another, smaller cave. I stood up and saw that in front of me there was another tunnel leading out of it. There was a light at the end of this tunnel, but it felt ominous and I was suddenly too terrified to carry on with my journey. After what felt like an eternity however, I plucked up the courage and started slowly walking through the tunnel. As I walked through it it weirdly got darker, until I found myself in a partly lit room. There were torches hanging from the walls, and I saw a skeleton hanging beside one of the torches. It didn’t seem scary though, even when it stretched its hand out towards me. It caressed my cheek, and then fell lifeless again. I noticed there were other skeletons hanging on the walls, and wondered why there were all there, but before I could think of an answer I noticed that there was a light coming again from in front of me where the room led away into another place.
I walked over to it cautiously and found myself looking down at a staircase. I went down it, wondering what was at the bottom. As I approached the bottom I noticed that the space above me was opening up. Finally I came to the last step and I found myself in another world. The sky was dark, omitting only a little starlight. Around me there were trees and bushes, and I realized I was in a forest. I could hear animals scurrying around me, and I felt lost. I got on my knees and started crying out for help. None came however, and I decided to get up and carry on walking. Not a far way off I came to the edge of a cliff. I didn’t know where to go next, and I didn’t want to turn back. I asked the wind what to do next, and it responded to me, telling me to jump off the cliff. So I did.
I was falling for what felt like an eternity. I wasn’t afraid of what would happen once I hit the bottom, and once I hit the ground below I got up and brushed myself off. I expected to be bleeding at least, but I was absolutely fine. I looked around and found myself in a clearing in a yet another forest. Off to the side there was a woman staring off into the overgrowth. She was dressed in armor, and I made my way over to her. I asked her if it was dangerous in the forest. She told me that it was indeed. I then asked her how long she had been in this place. She replied that she had been stuck down here for fifty years. Before I had the chance to be surprised though she grabbed my arm and shushed me to be quiet. So I did. And all of a sudden my awareness returned to my body laying in my bed.
(Now this is going to sound weird but this legit happened, and actually come to think of it I’ve had a similar experience before.) Wondering why I was no longer in my subconscious, I tried to center and then enter my mind again, but as I did I felt an overwhelming dark presence standing over me. It was a shadow. I hadn’t actually expected to be outside my mind when meeting it. But I was absolutely petrified. I had to literally fight with myself to not open my eyes and look around to make sure there was nothing there. It was scary as fuck. Then I felt it lean over me. My already extreme levels of fear doubled and I thought at one point that maybe demons do exist. I created a mental barrier, by swathing myself in white light as the Wiccans do, and mentally spoke to the presence. I told it it could only enter if it wasn’t out to harm me. I then mentally equipped myself with a knife and told it that I would use it if necessary. I prepared myself to strike as it leaned in closer, but weirdly the closer it got the less afraid I felt.
Finally its face was level with mine and I looked into its eyes. At first I saw nothing but the deepest black, but the further in I looked, the clearer they got, until I could see into the shadow’s soul. It was pure innocence. All my fears dissipated. I told it that it was really a nice person, but no one could see that past the dark vibe it gave off. It agreed with me and added that it felt misunderstood and lonely for that exact reason. And that was when I realized I was talking to myself. It affirmed what I was thinking and went on to tell me that he was a part of me whose existence I had long since ignored. It then told me to quieten my mind and relay what I could hear. I couldn’t hear anything though.
Next thing I knew I was standing above my own body, knife in hand, stabbing myself over and over again. I then felt other more distant shadowy presences by me. The other shadow I had been talking to came and told me that it would protect me. It told me not to worry. My awareness returned to my body then, and the shadow grabbed a hold of my hand and merged into me. As it was doing this, my awareness fell back into the depths of my mind. I found myself in a void. I heard a voice call out to me from the depths of my mind and I replied. I had a conversation with the voice, although it was fairly lengthy and I don’t remember much of what we were talking about. I remember arguing a bit.
At one point I found myself standing inside the Colosseum. It was empty and it looked as if it hadn’t been maintained in over a millennium. The walls were crumbling and the color was faded from them. And then the voice I had been speaking to told me that this was its home. It was trapped in here without choice, left to decay within the walls. Then all a sudden I found myself in the ground, under a large tree. There were roots all around me forming a type of prison. I was trapped within them. The voice then said that the part of the tree above ground represented my consciousness, and the part below ground, represented my subconscious and the part of me that was currently talking to me. It was an ironic analogy showing how my subconscious is the foundation of my very being, and yet I keep it locked up there against its own will.
I returned to the void and carried on talking with the voice. After a while I told it that it seemed too nice. I told it that I wanted to see the darker parts of my mind. After asking this, a trapdoor opened up below me and I fell through it and into the heavens. I was floating in midair, looking up at tall colorful houses on a midsummers day. I felt confused. All of a sudden I was transported to the inside of one of the houses. I found myself in a kitchen, leaning against a cabinet top. I looked down and saw a brown Labrador wagging its tail happily at something. I followed its gaze and saw a man cooking a cake. Then all of a sudden the man grabbed the wooden rolling pin it had been using and started beating the dog over the head with it. He carried this act out until the dog was dead. Whilst all this was happening I stood there in a mixture of horror and fascination at what I was seeing.
Then all of a sudden I found myself upstairs in one of the bedrooms. I stood in front of a cupboard that I felt was so full of darkness it was practically leaking. In front of the cupboard was a white barrier that was supposed to keep the doors shut and the darkness in, but it wasn’t strong enough and the doors flew open before me. I stepped back quickly and an obnoxious woman came tumbling out. She smiled cruelly and pushed me across the room, teasing horribly all the while that I was worthless. I fell back against the wall and she trapped me there, wondering aloud at what awful things she would want to do to me just for the sake of her amusement. I suddenly remembered that it was my mind and that I had the right to be in control, and I told her so. I then grabbed a hold of her and flipped us around so I was the one trapping her against the wall, but I was shaking with fear. She submitted fairly easily but carried on smirking knowing full well that I wasn’t strong enough to resist her if she absolutely wanted to hurt me.
At that point I heard my family’s car pull into the drive way in real life and realized that I had to return to consciousness. Still with that obnoxious smirk on her face she pointed out that it looked like I had to go back. Shakily I agreed and told her I would be back at some point to settle things. I then let myself slowly back up to consciousness.
Let’s just say my reaction after coming out of that trance was, ‘what the fuck’.