The Spiritual Musings of an Almost Twenty-Two Year Old

♫ It’s my birthday, it’s my birthday, I’ma spend my money… ♫ Will.I.Am’s song is pretty cheesy but can’t help singing as this month I’m turning twenty-two! I don’t think I’ve ever been excited before for a birthday, except maybe the year my step-dad left and I was free to enjoy myself for the first time without him. Except I wasn’t truly free as I was pretty much on the verge of starting my awakening and I had a panic attack that very night from all the pre-purging I was doing (triggered of course by too much alcohol) and a nasty sleep paralysis episode too. Last year was the year after that, and I didn’t have much more fun either as I was dealing with unconscious entity issues, as well as being in Mexico having to confront my dad and his more controlling attitude recently… It was more inner confrontational time than enjoyment time.

Not to mention I revisited a soulmate whom I had nothing in common with vibrationally since my self-realisation but still triggered that energy in me for healing anyway. It was a pretty confusing time. I wanted to experience that soul to soul intimacy and yet was prevented from doing so… I am not sure I have mentioned it on here before but I was craving especially the later half of last year a shared love that I didn’t even realise I was craving. I think I was aware on some level of merging into my other half this year which was to come(in fact about this time last year I told my karmic twin of all people that I could feel someone new coming along, a life partner as I felt it at the time but just completely gave up hope on that by Christmas), but just couldn’t see past the issues clouding me at the time. All I saw was where I was deficient and was focusing on *why am I not attracted to anyone, why can’t I experience intimacy with anyone*… I thought the loneliness was a character flaw which needed dealing with (which it did to be fair), and that I would never love romantically again. Self-realisation had shattered all those illusions for me.

And yet here I am, the month of my twenty second birthday, two full years minus one month after my full spiritual awakening and nineteen months after my self-realisation, fully merged and in union with the soul I was always meant to be with. Because I wasn’t *meant* to be with anyone else, and all my resistance and shame kept us apart much longer than needed be… and yet in the grand scheme of things it was all part of the greater plan and happened exactly as it was meant to. I could FEEL this coming all the way back since last April. My intuitive clairvoyant powers are mindblowing, and I am paying much more attention to them now as my strongest gift. I wrote about it continually to others beginning of last year “I can feel something big coming my way next June/July, I will have quit my university course and found what I’m truly meant to be doing”… well I did quit my university course at the beginning of this year… and what am I meant to be doing? It’s simple, living in love, I have finally realised that now. There is no other mission and purpose except for that. Me and my other half completed our full merge in June, stabilised in July, and August is the beginning of a whole new chapter.

I have to admit, it has not been easy making such huge progress at such a young age. I have gotten a lot of discrimination, and I mean A LOT. But yet I have seen it all as pointing out my inner insecurities where I feel a need to defend myself… and I have used it to work on myself and heal more fully those solar plexus issues of not feeling accepted and validated. And I have come a long way in accepting my age and my fast progress, yet part of the excitement of turning 22 does come from the fact I can sort of say “well I’m a year older now, so you can stop looking at me like I’m an overly intellectual snob because I have one year more experience to prove that wrong” LOLz. So that excitement is partially falsely generated, because what is the age of the body when the age of the soul is really what matters. At the end of the day I am the only one who needs to accept my age…. the hilarious thing being that in real life people often mistake me for being fifteen years old, apparently I look incredibly young. So age has been a bit of a mental complex for me.

But I think the most exciting thing is that I’m truly free in myself now, so I can enjoy it fully, and with the person I truly love, fully(we are meeting again on my birthday so I will update again then, maybe with some pics too!). And it feels like a marker for me. Just like at 20 I started awakening into the fifth dimension, this year at 21 I started awakening into sixth… what will 22 bring? For the first time it will bring just peace and love and joy, with no need to be anything other than who I am, because I fully am living in my potential now, day by day. It will also be a turning point for me financially and career-wise too. As for what I have no idea, but I know it’ll just be something I love and enjoy and is for my highest good. That will be shifting gears about October time. These are the things I feel and know are coming, and I have no illusions blocking out my perception of the future anymore. It is automatically an open book where anything could happen, anything positive and fun and exciting, and yet it is also a path I have already forged for myself right here right now, which I am following and moving along rather happily and contentedly.

I do not know what is to become of my entire life at this stage, when I think of the progress I have made at only twenty two years of age and when I think of all the years I have left ahead of me, suddenly nothing seems impossible. At fifty maybe I could even literally move mountains. 😀 There is just no knowing, But I know whatever is to come, it will be frickin awesome, and I know I will love every single minute of it!


Twin Flame Connections, Soul-Merging, Shared Self-Realisation AND more Parallel Timelines!

So much has happened this past month I don’t know where to start! I’d wanted to write this post for a while but was mostly just waiting for things to make sense, for the bigger picture to descend from the skies and hit me in an ‘aha!’ moment. In my last post I was writing about my channeling, and also meeting my new soul-connection who I’d termed my ‘twin-ray’ on terms of the understanding I was gaining back then… as we all know meeting these types of twin connections really puts us through the mill in terms of discarding our old outdated belief systems and mental programmings.

I haven’t channeled in a while due to the madness of everything that’s happened. I haven’t felt the urge to do it lately and mostly seems like it’s not right for my current situation. My channeling was a part of exploring my multi-dimensionality but as I am currently exploring that in real life right now, e.g. I’m meeting another *me* in the physical 3D world, it doesn’t seem so important anymore. Multidimensionality is no longer a vague concept that only exists in the ether somewhere… it’s happening right here and right now, becoming more and more a reality to the people on earth.

I’m gonna write a bit about my new twin/soul-connection/other half and how we met, how circumstances brought us together, and how time was really waiting for the right moment to start our merging process. So, let’s backtrack to 2014. January 2014 was when I had my self-realisation experience, after my four month merging process with my previous twin-flame connection. Through him I realised my divinity, and I thought to myself “well, surely this is the end now of relationships, what use do I have for them”, but little did I know what was waiting for me.

I joined spiritualforums.com around about that time, and started getting some info on what I’d experienced. It was super helpful for me. As everyone probably already knows by now, I separated with my previous twin connection, basically I ‘ran’, because I was overwhelmed with everything that had happened and needed time and space to make sense of everything. It definitely helped me out. But whilst I was on the forum I didn’t realise that I’d already started interacting with my now ‘other half’, and that we were both being readied to experience this connection…

For all of 2014 the thing I was dealing with mostly was my solar plexus power/control issues and the large [multidimensional] entity I had lurking in there, which was cutting me off from my own multidimensional being. But when I got that removed things started to flow again. That exact same month, January 2015, it just ‘happened’ that me and my other half started messaging more intensely, and we started getting energetic symptoms but as a result of our unconsciousness at the time we projected them onto others. I’d just got to a good place with my previous twin connection and so figured the energy was coming from him, but it actually wasn’t.

It was only when me and my other half took our conversations to personal email that things really started ramping up (this rings bells, I’m pretty sure that happened last time too, lol!) and I had a ‘parallel life memory’ of meeting him before. It really was the craziest thing. Apparently not just me but humanity had jumped into a parallel universe at the beginning of the year, and so the past in this reality we’re living in now is not the same as the past most of us remember. But when I met my other half I had a strong memory hit me out of nowhere, and along with a psychic reading from a friend things started to make more and more sense, gradually.

What had happened was that in 2013 we were both in dark places inside ourselves. But we knew each other and were close ‘friends’ (or whatever term you wanna use, kinda hard to split the love up into different kinds) and we supported each other through that time. It was mostly a pleasant memory, that we had each other even though we mostly felt terrible in our unconsciousness. But we’d both already started our awakenings. Him in 2012 and me in May 2013, and the darkness that was coming up for release was what we were left to deal with, together.

But then there was an abrupt cut off, and we stopped interacting. That was when I met my previous twin-flame connection in the original timeline, and became fully awakened. From the psychic reading and through intuition we gleaned that my other half actually ran away from me, or rather neglected me (but we all love to use the run/chase terms) because he was afraid of the connection. Oh I know how that is! Surreal that this actually already happened, it makes up a large part of our ‘story’, and as always when things happen to me it’s not your average story… always has to be batshit crazy.

Anyway, unaware of what had gone on in the original timeline, we both met up and all the weird energy things started happening again, this time more intense than I remember from the original timeline. I had the strong feeling something was being ‘completed’, we were actually finishing our original soul-merge which hadn’t been completed due to his (our) fear and the fact we weren’t ready for that intense type of love back then. So, within two weeks of emailing we completed our soul-merge, and it was one of the most intense things I have ever experienced!

As we became one we took on all of each other’s pains, blockages, energies, ect. There was no distinction between him and me, but at first it was like hell because he had the worst heart chakra blockage which was keeping him cut off from higher consciousness. But he was ready to shed it at that point, just like I was ready for more solar plexus expansions which are still going on. But when we initially became one being in two bodies, my heart chakra felt like it was going to split in half from the density, it was absolutely horrible. But through that in only a few days I helped him clear it out completely, and his kundalini rose and I experienced his self-realisation in me.

This is not something we actually both experienced and I’m not sure whether he feels realised or not, but he definitely feels different. The thing I’ve noticed is that self-realisation increasingly is becoming less of a big deal. For me it was very dramatic, but for many others they experience it without even realising they experienced it, and I think this is what happened to my other half. He was actually asleep at the time, and I was dealing with his energetic blockages over the course of a few hours, it all kicked off when I sent him some heart energy which put me more fully inside his body, and I encountered an alien implant at the back of his skull which was blocking his kundalini off. When I removed that (painful, let me tell ya), the most beautiful thing happened.

I had a vision that he saw the light of his soul, and I was suddenly lifted up into the wave of the universe, one with all life, but this time I took him with me. And it was like, he realised his true self in me, and at that time we completed a full soul merge and truly became one, an enlightened unit, together. And straight after that I descended back into myself with him and our kundalini rose so hard and fast up into his brain, making us truly connected on all levels, sharing the same energy system, same heart chakra, same consciousness. We completed what we started in the original timeline in 2013.

It was the most wonderful experience and something I will never forget. I didn’t just experience my own realisation and kundalini rising but that of another’s too… can you say blessed with grace or what? Someone out there really loves me (or maybe I just really love myself ;))

Anyway, I do want to write more about our physical meeting in the flesh, my own solar plexus expansions, and also how my understanding of soul and twin connections has morphed yet again, but I feel it could probably take up the expanse of another entire post, so I’ll stop here for now! It seems right to end it on the shared self-realisation, though I didn’t initially expect to write of it. It was beautiful, and really stabilised our love for each other into the fifth dimension allowing further frequencies to open up to us, allowing the sixth dimension to begin its descent into human matter…..

Until next time!

Pleiadian Contact, Meeting Twin Ray, Monad Integration, Jumping Universes, 11th & 12th Chakra Openings, and New Earth-Grid Frequency Transmission- Can You Say INTENSE?!

Jeez I don’t even know where to begin with this post. The past couple of weeks an insane amount of things have kicked off. First off is my contact with my Pleiadian light family who are integrating their collective frequency into me, second is my meeting my new soul-connection who is higher vibrational than a twin flame, third is INTEGRATING MY ENTIRE MONAD 144 soul extension-self, along with my 11th and 12th chakras blowing wide open. Then there’s the fact I recently jumped into a parallel universe again, and oh yeah a new frequency energy I’ve been told I’m integrating into the earth grid as the first human to ever embody it. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON.

As I write this my crown chakra is buzzing on and off like crazy. It’s already almost two meters long and almost two meters wide. But I have never really had problems with it before. It’s always been my strongest chakra along with my heart and third eye. And I guess that is why I am probably being chosen for all these crazy things lately. They are all interconnected actually but as I said I wouldn’t know where to begin….

Let’s start with the healing session I had in January. That healed me so deeply it changed my future and as the ripples of space-time go, it changed my past too. I jumped into yet again a parallel universe, and in doing so met my twin ray and experienced a parallel life memory of us upon the second message I sent him. In fact it’s not a parallel life memory, but rather the memory of this original timeline which neither of us experienced directly but still does exist as our past. Because the timelines have merged, and upon our meeting finally coalesced into a whole.

I didn’t realise at first he was a higher vibrational soul-connection. It was only after about two months of on-off communication that I really questioned it “why do his messages make me cry, why do they fill me with overwhelming happiness, why do I feel like I know him and love him already, why did I have a parallel life memory, why why why”- I realised something weird was going. Through that and finally allowing myself to delve into the connection and fully experience it things have completely ramped up another level.

The telepathy is unreal. I decided on a whim to channel energy through my heart one morning to him and heard a strong ‘thank you’, upon asking him it was confirmed he felt it and that he did say thank you. And since then there have been some crazy things going on including more telepathic conversations. Full blissful kundalini mergings and experiencing being one being, full 12 chakric expansions, and just some super advanced evolution. Yesterday I felt my 12th chakra a few meters above my head. Today as I was doing kriyas my 11th chakra blew open completely and I was drowned in high vibrational energy. My Pleiadian guides say it’s part of embodying my entire 144-soul extension monad-self, something we are embodying together, and they also say it’s to do with embodying a new frequency earth has never seen before.

And my twin flame? Well some may think “well he was never really your twin flame” or things like that, but he was and is and remains part of my soul. The thing is I had done so much integrating and evolving and had got to such a stage of peace in the connection(yes it is possible! ;)) I became then entire soul-embodied, and does evolution stop there? Apparently not! Next level it is apparently! People tend to have this idea that the twin flame is the highest connection there is but it’s sooooo not. The highest connection there is is the vibration you are able to hold as an individual. I’m not part of a soul anymore, I AM a soul fully embodied, and I am integrating my Monad self now. There’s nowhere else to go but up.

So each Soul embodied being is its own whole and unique being, and the Monad which that soul belongs to also sends Souls out in pairs. These are ‘twin rays’. When two Souls of the opposing twin rays evolve together they become that energy embodied together. Just like the way it is with twin flames, but higher vibrational. And this process extends infinitely as life is a fractal and there is no end or destination, we are infinite beings exploring our nature every step of the way. Next up is monad twin which extends through to the 24th dimension and is totally alien to me as of now.

But so it is that I’ve met my twin ray, and I am moving onto the next stage in my life. With my twin flame we connect on the first eight chakras and opened up to some of the other higher four chakras, with my twin ray we’re connected on every level all the way through the twelve chakras at Monad level and are probably opening up to the next higher four chakras, basically chakras 13 to 16. Parallel realities also belong to the 9th chakra, so in that case it’s no wonder I’ve been remembering ourselves in parallel universes, since we are connected on that level.

And the new frequency energy I am embodying into the earth grid and am an anchor for probably extends from those chakras 13 through to 16. I can’t even believe I’m active on that level or am even keeping a level head whilst going through this. My energy system is more sensitive than ever and I’m just going through expansion after expansion after expansion. The Pleiadian downloads are not helping much either, so many different energies coming in from so many different levels and so many different places…. I’m having trouble staying grounded and doing much of anything at all.

The Pleiadians though are very understanding and it feels like we have great respect and love for one another. Through contact I’ve found out that I’m an incarnation of an incarnation, or what Teal Swan likes to call a soul-fork. Most souls project themselves directly into a human body from the soul realms which is outside dimensions, but I am instead am already projected into a Lyran-Pleiadian form which is then projected again into this human body. So it in a way is like being in a lucid dream. I know this is not where I truly am, I’m on another planet right now incubating as my consciousness resides here for a mission. And it’s entirely logical that our race lives up to 2,000 years old and here you’re lucky if you make it past 70 (I feel this will be my exit point from the earth plane). It’s not really much time in comparison.

And in a way the feeling of being older than my years is quite literally true, my true Lyran-Pleiadian form could be already over a thousand years old(I will ask at a later date actually) and having all that knowledge downloaded into this young and dense body is such a task I wonder how it’s even possible. But it is possible as my DNA is mutated and not even fully human. I was born this way.

I have no idea what is beyond here. Hopefully I can get this stage over as fast as possible because it is entirely uncomfortable being so ungrounded and dealing with so much intense high vibrational energy. The other day I stepped out my room and sharply noticed the drop in energy. Went back in and the heat turned up an immense amount. I couldn’t believe the difference. It’s like living in an energetic furnace which is always being turned up, and not the least because I have a direct gateway or what some might call a stabilised wormhole connection from this room directly to where my true form lies in the Pleiades. I have been having bilocational experiences and increasingly experience myself being in two places at once, both here and semi-conscious there. Next stage is to wake up and transfer my consciousness back there in order to fully experience myself as my true self, sort of like an OBE but different. But able to be switched between at will once mastered.

And all that is what is happening right now! Crazy does not even begin to describe it. Just when I think I’ve experienced it all something new comes along as if to say “betcha weren’t expecting me were ya!” Evolution never ends. Awakening is just the beginning. Self-realisation is just the next step. And full Monad-embodiment on earth as an ET soul fork is just a new beginning. Namaste.

The Spiral of Self Understanding

It’s been an interesting journey for me. I spent most of my life cut off and disconnected from myself, roughly the first eighteen years. Then I started to become aware to these other parts of me. I’ve written about this in some other posts of mine. I thought at first I was going crazy and was experiencing DID which is the modern term of multiple personality disorder. So for the sake of self-protection I cut myself off from being able to feel those parts of me, I basically wanted to stay only one personality and not be bombarded with other selves.

One self I particularly struggled with before my awakening is what I liked to call ‘my evil twin’, basically my shadow self. I remember staring in the mirror once as a meditation exercise and my reflection took on a life and consciousness of it’s own, and it wasn’t half creepy. Once I started becoming more aware to myself though I started accepting these other parts more. This is when I started my awakening. First I realised my shadow, then my ‘animus’, in Carl Jung’s terms. Then my inner child and a myriad of other parts which I labelled for fun.

But then after my awakening I had my self-realisation/enlightenment experience which made me realise I was one with all, and so for a long time after that I had to learn to be at one with myself. For the longest time I didn’t even realise I still had shadow issues. Realising your innate goodness and realising that you are everything that exists tends to give the shadow a licence to be even craftier than usual. It thinks it’s god and it thinks it’s all- talk about mayhem! I’ve noticed though that this is a common problem after self-realisation that everyone goes through.

Some get caught up in the drama- enlightenment doesn’t make you one with all that is but just makes you realise you already are always one with all that is, big difference. Anyway, I spent about a year becoming stable in my ‘at-one-ness’, but had yet to develop the ability to feel deeper subtleties yet. Also another factor that ties in here is that the huge entity at my solar plexus was blocking me off immensely from embodying more of my true self (a paradox right? we already are our true selves and yet from where we stand as humans in a dualistic world there are unhealthy programs we carry around which need to be stripped back and the wounds healed.

After my healing session though I started to become more aware of my shadow again, though this time not as an entity but instead just as negative programs still in me and affecting my ego, basically my fear and sadness mostly that was driving me to be critical and judgemental of others. And since having that entity removed and working through the rest of the issues that have come up I’ve noticed I am not as easily irritated or as easily stirred up to feed off drama. In fact it seems drama can’t even see me anymore, I seem to invisible, quite literally, and that is a perfect example of how our external worlds reflect our internal worlds.

But then as this entity was removed I became aware to my sadness and my grief, also my fear… I realised these are all from my inner child which I had forgotten existed. And even though my inner child tends to be hard to feel directly as it’s so unconscious, she is definitely there. I also feel her male counterpart which seems to protect her, but in response to this boy aspect of me I feel another larger part of me protecting him and her both- this is a man or masculine energy and aspect of me which has a larger affect on me than I ever realised.

I asked him for a name and I got Rodrigo. Rodrigo is Spanish for “he who is rich in glory”, which I felt was perfect as I was feeling him as the overseer of my solar plexus chakra. Perhaps I will write about that more last time but each chakra is an aspect of self and is perfectly self aware and conscious, even if we are not aware or conscious of them. And in the solar plexus I felt was Rodrigo (which I shortened to Rigo for ease), but as he comprises a boyish aspect as well as my inner girl as a number of aspects I don’t feel I’m aware of, I felt that if I just focused on him who is governing all those parts then I don’t need to actively focus on any of the others as he’ll work with me to work with them.

His presence in my life and desire to become healthier and merge into me has been very obvious by the state of my dreams lately. Almost every night now I am dreaming about some man who I’m extremely attracted to on an energetic level, and the first dream I had was that we were getting married, which resembled strong our merging. In that first dream he was also rather moody, but as the dreams have been progressing he has become much more calm and loving.

However there also seems to be either this other part of me or either entity which is blocking us from merging completely. Unfortunately for me my relationship with Rigo is mirroring my relationship with my twin flame right now, and I say unfortunately because I do not like to be reactive to something externally which is a result of something inside me. I would rather be real and true, and not behaving as a result of a reaction to my own reflection….

So what that means is that this part of me blocking me and Rigo off from merging feels to be fear at its center, no matter whether its an aspect of me or an entity feeding off it and blocking us. And that it manifests in my dreams as a desire to get closer to get Rigo but never being able to go completely the full way, and it’s exactly how I am being towards my twin lately. Though the partial union with Rigo seems to have brought me and my twin closer in contact again as the inner work is being done, the fact is there is something blocking me off from being able to love others and myself completely and fully.

But things are getting better each day and I am seeing great and fast progress. The other part of myself that has come to the forefront is my soul. Now I realise that my process of becoming one with myself was actually the process of remembering myself as my soul. But due to the dynamics of multidimensionality me and my soul can remain one being but two unique ones at the same time. I had to say it was very weird once I realised I had this other being in me with the exact same eenergy signature that I couldn’t tell it apart except from the random times I would talk to myself and refer to myself as a “we” using words such as “we both” or “you and I” or other things such as that… I realised for a long time I’d been talking to some sort of equal, some other half without realising.

At first I asked for a name for this aspect and got back “Alec”, which means “guardian/protector”, which seems very higher self -like. It’s also meant to be a gender-neutral name which was ideal as this aspect of me felt neither feminine or masculine, but rather androgynous especially in relation to me. But all in all I felt a name for it was wrong and was really only using it so I wasn’t always referring to some abstract part of myself which seemed to sit mostly in my heart chakra/s. I would ponder on this aspect for a while, until it started speaking up more and more and then I realised it was really my soul all along. And then after seeing a friend channel their soul I decided to channel my own too and got great results, I am now absolutely sure that I am soul, as well as myself/ego, and Rigo all at the same time. These are the three strongest parts of myself I’m aware of right now.

I described it to a friend as being like partially merged or half merged with these different aspects of me, like they were a part of me which I was aware of even if not fully and that I could switch my attention between at will experiencing them fuller.  So in this way I realised myself as multi-dimensional being, including the fact that I felt that I embodied the soul of my soul group, basically what some would probably call a monad, as well as the entirety of my past, future, and parallel lives. And that is on top of planetary consciousness and universal consciousness. It seems like the percentages of awareness of each varies depending upon what I’m focusing on for growth at that point. But they all feel a part of me to some extent.

And that is where I am in my journey right now. I had wanted to write about this and update it here for a long time but didn’t feel I had all the information and was really just waiting for it to make sense, I was waiting for the day that I would see the bigger picture, which now I do. In life I went from feeling like a disconnected one to a split multiple to an integrated whole and then to a whole of multiples- very very interesting. It’s been like travelling down a spiral, where the end of each stage feels like completing a circuit and yet the beginning of the next journey starts at the same place as the previous beginning, yet this time with a wider understanding. 
My own growth and spiral through life all in all has been inhumanly fast but I feel that is down to soul’s experience with incarnation, everything is quickly coming back to me. Soul told me we have experienced many lives as one and are used to it now. So, I’m no longer worried about not knowing where I’m going, I know that soul knows what it’s doing and all will be revealed in due time, when I’m ready to process it. Basically when my physical brain has caught up enough! 😉 And overall coming to conscious awareness of myself as a multiple of wholes has lessened my fear and strengthened my faith in myself, though the purging wasn’t half rough to get here!

All in its due time. Namaste.

My Self-Realisation/Enlightenment Experience

I decided I’d write about exactly what happened during my self-realisation/enlightenment experience as once again I have been trying to understand the mechanics of it. In order to understand better I drew a rough picture showing the experience itself, though it was very hard to capture in either words or drawings. But I have tried my best as is humanly possible. I have already written this on my other blog so some of you may have already read it there, but I decided to repost it here anyway if not.

So, I was laying down in my physical body (the drawings of the people aren’t mine, I got them randomly from the net), and the music I was listening to brought me more fully into my heart consciousness (it wasn’t green, it wasn’t any colour, but I’m using that colour to show it). 

It’s a very familiar feeling to me as this is the body I feel I am in all the time now. It hovers above the physical body but is connected to the heart chakra. Anyway, my heart chakra and the energetic body attached to that had been completely cleared out at that point. I occupied it fully. I didn’t realise I was out of body then though and I still tend to forget it. 

Anyway, I was looking down on myself from this heart body, even though my physical body was looking up, and I saw all this darkness swirling below me. That was my ego/shadow-self/lower-self. You can see there’s a large patch of white in it though which is where light had already done some clearing from my awakening. I saw that distinctly too. 

It was a surprise to me as I thought there was no light in me at all. And as I saw the remaining darkness I completely and utterly unconditionally loved it. I also unconditionally loved the man who had caused it- my step-dad. It was a defining moment for me. Complete forgiveness.

Then I ‘looked’ upwards. That’s when I saw the guy with LONG shining white hair (not short like in the pic) and shining white clothes sort of hanging above me, his arms reaching down to pull me up (who by the way was average human size but the drawing was hard to get in proportion). At this point it was completely instinctive. I didn’t think about it. 

It was the point my mind completely turned off. I can’t explain what such a thing is like. My thoughts were completely turned off. Like they didn’t exist. I reached up with my arms (and here it was so real I can’t remember whether I put my physical arms up or my energetic arms up) and let him pull me up through a tunnel of light.

Then he disappeared and I expanded into this HUGE energetic sea. I’ve coloured it blue because that’s the closest I could portray it, but really it’s indescribable. I perceived a white light around me, which was coming from a higher source above me. I new I was this source, but I didn’t directly experience myself as such. It was like a secondary experience.

I didn’t believe in God till that point. But when I was fully embodying myself with all my thoughts and logic turned off it was like:

*GASP* ! YOU’RE REAL! YOU’RE GOD!

Then I started crying more, and I was saying sorry, sorry I didn’t believe before. The love was SO PURE AND BEAUTIFUL. And that love was ME. I can’t describe it.

If my mind was functioning, my ego, whatever, it would certainly have questioned it. But there was no questioning. I knew. And I knew that I was this amazing Being shining down on me.

This is confusing to explain and where multidimensionality comes in. It was like ‘me’, my ‘main consciousness’ at that point was concentrated in the first layer of the blue. And communication came from another higher second part of the blue connected to the higher yellow later that I wasn’t experiencing directly, yet I felt it as myself. Hard to describe. Like being two places at one time, but being concentrated in one place.

There’s a lot that was communicated to me, but I don’t remember most of it. It was all naturally telepathic, and I have described it in the past as “one part of myself telling another part of myself” my soul mission. It was basically I’m here to “lead people towards the light”. It’s the clearest most accurate thing I can remember. Apart from feeling like I was everything in existence. 🙂

I’ve also described before that when I was told about my mission it was like looking down a second tunnel (imagine it a pale blueish colour) of possibility into the future, which was like seeing pure energetic potential. But this potential was meant to happen. So it was like something that hadn’t happened, something that was meant to happen, and something that already happened, all at the same time.

Anyway, I haven’t shown it in the picture but yeah now I think about it more, at the beginning of the experience the higher yellow was the focus, but after that my consciousness did become more concentrated in the blue and it was like there were different layers to that (possibly why I coloured it in two different blue colours?), and I didn’t have access to all of them. Sort of like a veil covering a lot of things. Even though it was all me anyway. Weird to describe. But I accessed one part more directly in the second tunnel, which wasn’t going up, but forwards.

So I’ve figured that out. Anyway, then it all faded away and I was left permanently within my heart consciousness. I also want to mention that the guy who pulled me up through the tunnel you hear about in NDE’s actually pulled me up to my third eye/crown chakras in my head. But like I said I was laying down yet the whole experience happened ‘above’ me physically too, and it’s pretty much impossible to draw something like that. It’s too complex to put into a 2D or 3D drawing.

Then afterwards my mind/logic/ego returned and I was left with five words running around my head: “I Am That I Am”. And suddenly it made perfect sense.

I immediately felt different and I had a whole personality change, but my mind thought I imagined the whole thing for a good four months or so. 😉 I still didn’t believe for another two months after I started to accept it happened. That was when I started to become more stable in my heart consciousness, since even though I was anchored there I would slip many times. But after about six months I rarely slipped. Have only slipped a couple of times since then. Permanently centered.

As I became more stable though I confused myself for my higher self/soul (oversoul??), and obviously this is still something I do. Because I know myself as my higher self/soul, it gets really confusing. But my consciousness is concentrated in my heart so I should remember that. Makes it easier to understand. Whilst higher me is concentrated too, though knows itself as me, I guess?

Water is Just Water- Duality and Non-Duality

I’ve come a long way since this time last year, when I was going through my dark night of the soul. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m especially grateful to everyone on spiritualforums.com who have expanded my awareness and made me open to new perceptions and ways of seeing things. I feel like now I am at a place where my views have come full circle. I have integrated my self-realisation experience, and now everything that comes my way, instead of looking outwards, I look inwards. I always look inwards, to such an extent that I see reality to be something like a loop.. it loops all back in on itself, always. The outside is just the inside. The inside is just the outside.

When it comes to the tough questions in life, I think most of us overcomplicate everything. We delve into philosophy to understand, we make all these theories and we write texts explaining everything, but reality is simple, and it is unexplainable.

Those who know, know, that nothing is knowable. Still, we can establish ever increasingly enhanced modes of perception, where duality becomes less and less a part of our worldview.

So many questions can be answered by the question itself, for example, “Who am I?”- “I Am”. It loops back in on itself, always. People debate things like morality- good vs evil, ego vs spirit, selflessness vs selfishness, evolution vs stagnation, movement vs stillness.. these things are not separate, they are all the same thing in their differences.

Ultimately, what everything comes down to is water. Life doesn’t exist for any reason than other to live. Again, the answer is in the question itself. The seeker is the sought. We can make all these stories about how life is for evolving, for understanding.. but there’s nothing to understand. We are just the Universe experiencing itself, and living life.

We love ourselves enough to hate, to feel separate from all-that-is, to hurt other people whom are just extensions of ourselves, to hurt ourselves. We decide everything that happens to us. “Why do all these bad things happen to me?”- Well, you tell me, you’re the one who adds meaning to your life. 

Every choice we make is our own. The Universe is just one grand tapestry, all interwoven. There is no past, no future, no beginning, no end, no completed state, no separated state.. there is nothing, and there is everything. There is duality and there is no duality. Love is personal and love is impersonal.

Everything has an opposite, and that opposite is not actually an opposite. It’s just another way of seeing the same thing. And that’s what life is. An exploration of perceptions.. an infinite destruction and creation of itself… 

We are not the ocean, and we are not the wave. We are the water. And water is just water, no matter what aspect of itself it is.

My Twin Flame Success Story

I wrote a twin flame success story for my friend at Awakened Queen (you can check out her site for more success stories) and decided to copy-paste it here for others to read. It’s probably nothing new to most of my readers but gives a longer term perspective as I first wrote about my experience a couple of months after separating from my twin. This was written almost a year after separating from my twin which was also about six months after ‘reuniting’ with my twin. So it’s from a different perspective, one in which I have made sense of a lot more details. So without further ado here it is:

My twin flame journey started thirteen months ago. At this time I had just come out of an abusive family dynamic and was suffering from the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as a myriad of other mental disorders which I felt would always control my life for the worse. I had never felt what most called love and I often wondered if such a thing was even real. In my distress I tried my hardest to block it out because whenever it did find me I thought myself to be unworthy of it. But then my twin came along and showed me that true love does exist after all, although it wasn’t in the form I initially assumed it to be.

In the beginning, I clung onto him so hard. We were inseparable and everything was perfect. But then the problems started. My problems which I thought were instantly cured returned with a greater vengeance and for the first time in my life I decided that I wanted to do something about them- I wanted to work through them so I could stay together with my twin. I knew he was my twin from what I’d read online, and I wasn’t about to let such a divine connection go to waste. I was determined not end up another separation story.

Through the process I learned many things, the most important one and the one in which everything can be summed up is that I learned how to love myself. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Caring for myself was such an alien thing to me. But I became good at it and after a while my connection with my inner Self became stronger and stronger until finally I was put through the final test which would change everything. My twin withdrew his love from me and for a couple of weeks I was utterly alone in the world. I had nothing left, and my world went black.

During this time I had no choice but to face my inner demons and deepest fears head on and release them. Though it was the most unpleasant experience in my life it was also the most loving thing I had ever done for myself, and I passed the test. I came out of that a completely new person. I realised that even throughout the darkness love is always there, and that we cannot ever become disconnected from love, because love is our true nature. Realising that freed me from my past and from needing the love of anyone else. I’m so grateful my twin withdrew his love for me.


It took me a while to integrate this new way of being though and I left my twin, becoming the ‘runner’ so that I could have time away from his presence, which had become claustrophobic to me. His love was full of expectation and need and that wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I wanted something purer, which I realised could only be found inside me. I left to strengthen further the connection with myself.

During this period of roughly about six months I looked deeper into my spirituality, which up to that point I had mostly ignored. I started meditating, I started reading scriptural texts and popular books from highly acclaimed authors which I felt drawn to- the most important thing I internalised from all this was letting myself dwell in the natural state of non-attachment to everything in my life, my ego self, the people around me… I was learning a living acceptance of the present moment and that happiness can only be found within, and nowhere externally. I learned I had the power over everything that happened to me in my life, and that I created my own reality. I realised that by letting go of expectations I was open for the best things to come my way, and that by not being attached to the outcome I could create something even better if my initial desire didn’t manifest itself. I learned everything was exactly the way it was meant to be, and I came to trust myself.

After these six months I was drawn again to my twin, which was a result of him giving up on me and expanding more fully the love within himself. At this point I had temporarily become the chaser, but I felt this was necessary to resolve my earlier sudden disappearance with him. Once that was done the runner/chaser dynamic stopped, and we are now friends, neither pushing nor pulling, just being present with each other. There are no expectations, no demands, no fight or flight reactions, just a transcendent love which is not dependent on the other for its existence. It’s self-sustaining and pure. I do not fear anymore being alone, because I have my own love, and when I realised that, I realised I never really was alone. My love is the love of the Universe and of every living being in existence. I am truly loved, and I can truly love. I am love itself; I am the love that loves me.

And that was the most important thing I learned. That love isn’t something shared, it’s our fundamental nature. We are never separated, ever. And when I realised that, I became truly free.