Diagnosis of Potential Myalgic Encaphalomyletis and Emotionally Dealing With It

So, I had my doctor’s appointment. I asked my doctor about my Vitamin B deficiency and she said that whilst left untreated I could develop anemia, I’m not really deficient enough to be this exhausted and fatigued all the time. In fact she doesn’t think taking the supplements will create a huge difference in how I feel, and thinks that the root cause is something entirely different.

My doctor told me that she originally thought the extreme tiredness was a side effect of the complex post traumatic stress I was under, but now that I am almost pretty much back to normal psychologically she has started looking into other potential causes. She says she still thinks I could either have narcolepsy, but she also asked me if I had considered Myalgic Encaphalomyletis aka ME. I had but not pondered on it much more. But she is referring me to an ME clinic nearby to do more tests on me.

My doctor is amazing honestly but the thought of living with this disease for the rest of my life has really been getting me down. And I know that even if I do have a remission it won’t be forever. So yes I will have good days but I will also be disabled for most of my life. It’s absolutely horrible realising that I will never have a normal life and never get to do what I want, will never have enough energy to go to university, to be a scientist, to even have children. Just looking after my dog is hard work enough. When I got her I was in remission and thought I was getting better. Now I can’t even take her out for walks. It’s awful. I’d been wondering if I made a mistake getting her, but she’s my baby now and can’t imagine life without her.

Anyway, so I’ve just been feeling really emotional lately about all this. I have to admit that sometimes suicidal thoughts flash in front of me at times as I wonder what the point in being alive is, if my entire life is just going to be extremely sub-standard. To be honest I’ve found myself weighing up the pros and cons of offing myself versus just staying alive and barely getting by. But I’m really too much of a coward to do anything about it. I just fantasize sometimes, but usually when I feel really bad I struggle with thoughts of self-harming again. I’ve been four years clean so I try to let that keep me going. Besides it would just be awful if my boyfriend saw any scars and I’d just end up feeling worse, so it’s not worth it.

I am trying to stay unaffected but it’s such a battle when every day you’re fighting with your own body to work properly. And to be honest I blame my mum’s ex-husband the full way. That doesn’t mean I don’t forgive him, because it’s been so long now and I want his mental illness to be cured just as much as I want my own condition to be cured. But it’s a jarring realisation that one person fucked up your life for good. Maybe genetically I am wired to experience post traumatic stress, and wired for stress to trigger ME in me, but at the same time if my mum’s ex husband had not treated me so awfully, I would not have been triggered in the first place and struggling for the rest of my life like this.

I also sometimes think of my ex and whilst I don’t really blame him, since my step-dad caused the main damage, I still do blame him at the same time. If I hadn’t have met him… but it doesn’t matter. I was already on the wrong path. It was all my own fault for becoming psychotic in the first place. It was just his rejection of me that made everything spiral a whole lot worse. I guess I was already depressed and didn’t realise it. Maybe I was always just a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Now I’m just trying to pick up the remaining pieces but too exhausted to have a chance of putting myself back together again.

The worst thing too is people not really realising how sick you are. What I have is essentially an invisible illness so all they see on the outside is that I look fine. I really wished I’d seen a doctor months before it was too late, maybe I would’ve prevented this disease being triggered inside me. But I was deluded and thought I was ‘healing’ myself through spiritual techniques. In fact I now firmly believe that I was messing with my own nervous system through the power of belief/thought without having a clue what I was doing and just unlocked hell on my mind and body.

Well, it was a lesson learned, but unfortunately I will be living with the consequences for the rest of my life, and again I still can’t help but feel resentful towards my mum’s ex-husband. But on a positive note, she is getting married again this year to a really nice man who deserves her, and I am starting to see him as my step-dad now in place of the horrible father figure I had all those years growing up. So that may be healing on the psychological side of things at least.

Another thing is that I was feeling really insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend after realising I may be like this always. It was a difficult conversation for me but I asked if he still sees a future with me despite my condition. It’s fair enough if he didn’t. But he said although he wasn’t thinking about the future he didn’t see why not, and that my illness wouldn’t have sway over him either way. So that set my mind at ease. At the same time I still feel really insecure about the whole idea. About being dependent for the rest of my life, of never having independence, of feeling like a burden to those who love me because they will always have to care for me. I guess again I just don’t see my own worth outside of the illness and let it define me in some way. But I have always been like that. Blame my childhood – growing up surrounded in a haze of pain makes it the norm to identify with the negative in life.

To be honest, I feel like I just need to find a purpose for living. I can’t study and no online college has gotten back to me which is probably just as well since these days I’m so exhausted that even part time study makes me sick. So put human enhancement technological studies on the back burner. I will likely never get to do that. Also since I am pretty much atheist there is no purpose anymore in spirituality for me, and I don’t want to keep clinging onto it as a habitual distraction. I don’t know. Maybe I need to think about it a bit more, but those things are ruled out for sure. So now what? Hopefully I will find something again to light the spark in me again and give me reason and hope to keep living.

Summer Feelz, Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder, Meditation, & Shiva

The sun is out, I’m drinking whiskey, some musky incense is burning and I have korean pop playing from my speakers, and I feel pretty amazing right now. This mood reminds me of a few years ago, except a few years ago I was the unhealthy version of myself blasting Asking Alexandria and getting so drunk I could barely feel my hands, just to stop feeling the trauma.

I have started taking Vitamin D as well, which perhaps is lifting my mood, since I’m so housebound I don’t really get outside much. Now that my blood has been taken I can start the supplements again. I’ve continued the Vitamin B and I am also taking adrenal tablets now which I hope will lift my fatigue. I am going to order some thyroid tablets too since hypothyroidism runs in the family, I’m hoping balancing my hormones will make me more energetic again. Already from just taking the adrenal tablets I’ve seen a huge difference, and today for the first time I was able to go out into town and walk around a bit without collapsing afterwards. I honestly feel so amazing.

So, what’s new? My EEG results are in. They are also normal. My neurologist concluded I have non-epileptic attack disorder, which when I researched seems to be triggered from trauma and intense stress. Not only that but having either depression, anxiety, or PTSD is common with NEAD, which of course I have Complex PTSD, so that all fits together nicely. And it also explains the fatigue which is a common symptom, among many of my other symptoms.

So epilepsy is officially ruled out since my MRI and EEG were normal. And it gives me something to work with now that I have NEAD. My neurologist is going to refer me to a neuropsychological specialist to work on the triggers that flare my NEAD.  I can’t wait because I’ll finally be getting the specialised treatment I need, rather than just having standard cognitive behavioural therapy. Although CBT did help me immensely, I didn’t like all the focus my therapist put on a psychological approach to my condition, whilst a neuropsychologist will place more emphasis on the biology and I guess is a more practical approach to what I’m going through, not just all mental.

So whilst NEAD can’t be treated with medication or anti-convulsants, I feel pleased that I finally have a diagnosis and can start to work with it. Apparently 50% of cases clear up anyway after diagnosis, since it is a psychological disorder. It’s like somehow knowing that you have it dissipates it. However I’m not sure that’s the case for me as I had a nightmare last night and woke up convulsing after a particularly intense emotional day with my boyfriend (all good emotions though). But maybe it will take time.

Also with the adrenals and thyroid medications I am starting I should start to ease up the stress my body feels under and give myself time to truly rest. I’m hoping that the results from the blood work will at lease support the idea that my thyroids and adrenals are a bit low. But we will see. I will keep taking them anyway. But my appointment with my GP is this week so I should know pretty soon what’s what. Then of course I need to discuss my neurologist’s diagnosis of NEAD over with my GP and see where we go from there. She likely won’t be surprised, considering that NEAD is common with PTSD, and PTSD is what she originally diagnosed me for. So hopefully my treatment can continue to progress nicely especially with the specialist therapy I’m going to be getting. The only downside is that I may have to wait a few months or up to a year until the specialist has a space open for me. But hopefully by then my adrenals/thyroid will be more up to speed and I can work from a better place.

So that is what’s going on with my health. Spiritual-wise I had a flashback a couple of days ago about how I used to really adore and connect with the principle of Shiva, even though I didn’t believe him to be a real being per se. I felt comfortable with Shiva and I always loved how he would always help the downtrodden and those in need. His compassion and mercy was a shining light to me, and I think considering the state I was in I was really drawn to that.

Thinking about it now I still find myself drawn to it, although whether I could ever resume that kind of practice I am not sure, but in looking for a new spiritual path maybe it would help me to go back a bit and see what worked for me and what didn’t. Channeling didn’t for sure, and neither did kundalini and all that stuff – although I accept now that they aren’t real and are probably all psychological phenomena – I am staying far away from them. I believe still that we have the ability as humans to influence our brains through thought, and that because of that and considering that I have NEAD as a result of PTSD, that maybe I should practice some low level atheistic magic again for that reason entirely. For example simple meditation as a starter to activate my parasympathetic nervous system and give my adrenals chance to calm down. Earlier I was feeling an aura coming on and I layed down on the grass and just meditated for ten minutes as the NEAD website suggested, and it totally grounded and centered me and I was instantly better! So I think I really need to get back into meditating again, but this time properly with an established practice and not just making it up as I go along thinking I am the bees knees, lol.

Again I don’t mean to do anything heavy, but just enough to lift me during the day time. And back to what I was saying about using what does work – I know that in the past my interest in Shiva did a lot of good for me, so I may start back there and see what that path has to offer me now.

Apart from that I don’t think I have much else to update. A shorter post than usual but I will update after my doctor’s appointment with what’s happening there.

Hormonal Imbalances, Optimistic Horizons, Futility in Religious Longing, Personality Development, & Sacred Sex

I feel like I want to update, even though I’m not sure what really. But one thing is that my MRI results came through and the neurologist said my brain is normal. However I’m still waiting for my EEG results and today I had blood drawn to test for my hormones such as adrenal and thyroid. Hypothyroidism actually runs in the family so I am going to bring that up with my doctor when I next see her and take it from there. I have been doing a temperature graph to measure my own adrenal/thyroid levels and originally it seemed like my thyroid could be the one at fault, but my adrenals might need a bit of boosting too. I’m going to take the chart to my doctor too and see what she says. Hopefully my blood work will confirm what’s going on with my temperature.

Okay, where am I health wise? I’ve had a burst of energy this week which is really nice, after being bed bound after picking up a particularly nasty cold which lasted a couple of weeks. But burst of energy for me means being able to walk around the house and clean up my room without collapsing from exhaustion or having a seizure. I have noticed that my seizures are in fact photosensitive and triggered by light, any light, even just the sun. Maybe that goes hand in hand with the migraines I’m known for having. Either way, my doctor is trying to figure this all out with me. Now my psychological regression is all gone and psychologically I feel absolutely fine, we are exploring other possible causes for what is going on rather than just assuming it is mental health related.

I was taking a Vitamin B supplement for a couple of weeks before my doctor told me to stop until I have my blood test so they can measure my base line levels. I started taking it because when I was in Mexico I had massive panic attacks and my dad took me to a doctor there and they gave me vitamin b shots in my bum, lol. It was strange but it totally cured my anxiety. However I didn’t stay on top of the injections which need to be done every couple of months. So anyway as I started taking the Vitamin B supplement a couple of weeks ago I noticed my anxiety disappearing again and feeling a strength and peace inside me that disappeared as I stopped taking them again and it slowly came out of my system in time for the blood test.

So maybe that is something that will be confirmed too, along with other related deficiencies which might give a greater picture of what is going on. About my dad and Mexico, whilst I’m on the topic, I haven’t seen him in years because of my condition, but I message him on whatsapp sometimes and he knows that I have a long term sickness. I always felt like I had been a bad daughter to him because my mental health had just been so bad and asked him in a message the other day if we could just start again once I’m better. He said he liked that idea. It made me a bit weepy but I think with father’s day coming up it just triggered something deep inside me. He may not ever be my father, but he’s my dad. He didn’t raise me and I consider myself fatherless – but I have his blood and he’s a decent enough person and I owe my existence to him. Even if it’s not the existence neither of us would prefer what with the mental health and seizures and chronic fatigue and such – I know I have a lot of potential – but I still live every day of my life incredibly positive and optimistic regardless. Don’t get me wrong, I have my down days, but something about dropping religious/spiritual beliefs has made me very sensitive to pain, very empathic to the human condition and very much driven to want to shine happiness to any person wherever I can. If the Divine does exist I’d like to think that at the end of it all, I would be accepted with open arms, because right in the core of me I’ve realised – I am good. I may have a shadowy side, I may have demons and I may have some skeletons I don’t want ever coming out of the closet for anyone to see – ultimately I am human and I see my own goodness and the goodness in everyone.

But, I believe more importantly how it is our job to create heaven on earth. It’s nothing to do with religion/spirituality, but it is each our own responsibility. And I am committed to that 100%. So call me a humanist – I embrace it. Humanity is just so beautiful and is worth fighting for. It’s worth fighting to be alive even when there is only pain all around and you don’t see a light out. Because eventually something will change, if you just hold on. I have been through more pain than anyone will ever know, and I’m still here. I think personally that makes me hella strong, even when physically I am weak.

My search for religion lately, well, it’s been confusing. I think really I’m trying to find some kind of subculture to really feel a part of. I want to feel included in something I’m passionate about. And my original passion for Goddess Monotheism whether I believed in it or not has really dwindled. I explored what I needed to with that and it’s over. Lol. Nature is amazing but I fail to see it anthropomorphised as much anymore. I read the Eddas from Norse mythology, and the folklore from medieval Welsh Celtism, and have explored so many different polytheistic avenues lately from Chinese folklore to Finnish Paganism – just to try and satisfy this deep craving inside me, but alas I find that the emptiness is not being filled. I don’t know specifically what it is I’m searching for, especially considering that religion/spirituality has no use for me anymore. Maybe it had just become a habit to be intensely spiritual and now without that I feel like I’ve lost grounding. It changes you completely as a person.

I’ve also flirted with the idea that I could have a religious form of obsessive compulsive disorder, especially considering the compulsive thoughts I get about Jezebel and Jesus all the damn time. And if I am having epileptic seizures then that can cause a religious disorder. There are so many possibilities. I’m not trying to stick a label on myself or think there is anything wrong. But I just think I feel a bit lost without that in my life. So I think maybe I just need to find another subculture to immerse myself in and enjoy and embrace the new me. I was going to study but honestly that is getting nowhere despite how many online distance courses I signed up for – it seems very much like a closed door. Despite that, I have been so fatigued lately that I’ve decided that it’s probably for the best as I don’t really have the energy to study right now, as much as I’d love to.

So really I’m just back at square one, wondering what the hell to do with my life. It’s just so hard when you are ill and can’t do anything, and can’t explore life and find your place, instead just confined to your house with not many stimulating things to pass the time. As weird as it sounds, considering I have always felt more at home within the walls of, well, my own home, I don’t think I’m naturally like that. I think naturally I am quite adventurous and enjoy socialising and travelling and all these things. It’s a shame though that the abuse destroyed that part of my personality and now I’m finally finding it again I’m prevented from being able to act it out due to being so ill. I just want to live life, be reckless, love hard, get lost in the natural beauty of earth, go to college and study for something I’m passionate about, and transform everything I touch for better. But I keep my eyes forward and know that one day without a doubt I will be able to do everything I want to do. I stand firm and resolute that somehow, someday, I will get healed, and I will have a fun and exciting life, the life I could never had before because I was so damaged.

In a way, being so ill has taught me how precious life is and how important it is not to take the simple things for granted, and it has taught me not to take everything so seriously and to lighten up. My boyfriend is pretty much a living joker and makes light out of everything. I need that in my life. Everything has been a struggle for survival of the fittest to me. I just need to remember how to laugh and have fun.

On that note, I had my checkup appointment with my family planning doctor yesterday and everything is fine with my IUD. No problems at all. Me and my boyfriend since have sex quite a few times (lost count now) and I’m not sure if the act of sex itself has changed something in me, or maybe it’s just a natural evolution of coming to know him more – or maybe both. But my emotions towards him have quite intensified and often I find myself crying halfway through totally overwhelmed both sensually and emotionally… I can’t really explain it. I just feel so much love I have some kind of emotional climax or something, and without painting it spiritual, I just feel like I’m blending into him and becoming one with him… and it’s such a sacred feeling. Now I know what love centered sex is like I would never have anything but. People may think it sounds a bit religious but for me I need that loving connection to totally surrender… and I just feel like I’m disappearing into him as I surrender over and over again, just allowing myself to be totally consumed by him.

Maybe my traumas are being touched on some level and I am actually healing. That would probably explain why after being at his sometimes I just feel so alive and strong and well, and not ill at all. But I don’t try to force any healing – I just let biology do its thing. I let oxytocin build and nurse my wounds. I learned from experience that trying to force ‘healing’ just ruins everything, lol. I have the sense that in ‘spiritual healing’ somehow the nervous system is being manipulated which can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. It definitely seems like the mind can influence the biology, but it doesn’t mean that we should all go about trying to become chinese ninjas (they train specifically for that). I think personally I will just wait until science unlocks all the mysteries. I’m a humanist and I’m a naturalist – everything is good and everything has an explanation.

Well, that is me so far. Mostly just rambling about my emotions. But I just felt like I needed to write. I realise I don’t nearly write as much interesting stuff as I used to back when I was firmly established in woo woo land, but it’s good to record my daily life and have some kind of memory to look back on, so that one day I can go “wow, look how far I’ve come”.

Medical Tests, Paleo Diet, Mythology, Studying, & Chronic Exhaustion

Time to update! I have had both my EEG and MRI scans, but no results are in yet. I also have a blood test booked for a couple of weeks to test all the important stuff. I’ve had plenty of blood tests done at the hospital during my A&E visits, but they only check for the life threatening stuff, so this time they’ll be checking through everything. They’ll check my vitamins and minerals and absorbency levels and hormones and check for autoimmune diseases such as celiac disease. So I’m pretty pleased about that. My mum said they should’ve checked for all that ages ago – she’s right, but then again, until I came off the anti-psychotics I wasn’t having any of these seizures and such.

As for my diet, I’ve eased up a bit and instead of going fully ketogenic under 25g of carbohydrates a day I’ve gone back to a healthy medium of between 50 to 100 grams. I couldn’t handle the ketogenic diet much longer, and have decided to go back to a diet resembling more that of paleo, which is still lower carb than most of the population, but not extremely low like ketogenic. I was on a diet similar to paleo before I went keto so I think I will be fine. I’ve lost a stone and a half (about 20lbs) since coming off the olanzapine and I am starting to feel happy with my body again, so hopefully by summer I’ll be comfortably back to a size 8 (already can just about fit into my size 8’s again!) and able to flaunt a really nice beach cozzie!

Lately my spiritual focus has not been so intense, but I’ve been really absorbed in a book series called a Shade of Vampire. I really love reading again, I missed it. At the moment I’m on book eight, and there are like fifty books in the entire series. I have no idea how someone can possibly write that much but I have to hand it to her.

Anyway, as for spiritual things, lately I’m back to feeling unsure about whether to draw from Germanic paganism, Celtic paganism, or Greek paganism. I’ve especially become interested in the Elves of Germanic paganism, I’m not really sure why. Maybe because I feel they are much more relatable than their Christian counterparts, e.g. angels.

My mind is going a lot of places recently and I’m not sure which direction to take, so I won’t elaborate here until things are more clear, but essentially I’m still atheistic and don’t believe in supernatural deities/beings/realms, ect, and am just enjoying fantasy for fantasy, rather than letting my psychosis turn it into something real inside my mind.

As for my distance course – really have no idea what’s happening with that. I concluded that the original company I signed up with to take a medicine and health access to higher education degree was just messing me around and so I signed up with another company. And I still have heard nothing back from them either! It’s so bizarre. Maybe it’s a closed door. It’s not for lack of trying though. But I am just thinking maybe once all the results from my tests are back and I get properly diagnosed as to what’s causing my tiredness and then hopefully treated I can just go back to my local college, which will be much better. I need something to stimulate my brain again, something to live for, a direction to move forward into.

Well apart from that not really sure what to update. Nothing special has happened lately. I was having a lot of flashbacks and memories of some of the things I went through regarding spiritual possession and stuff, but I find the more I try to work out the stuff I went through, the less sense it makes, and I think that’s natural because memories become warped by emotions. So there’s no way to really analyze what I went through without a subjective imprint distorting my view. So I just had to block all those out and stick to logic and rationality. I may enjoy pagan mythologies and the symbolic nature of it all, but I’m furthest away from theist than I’ve ever been.

Lately also I have been seeing my boyfriend a bit more. We only met once a week before but lately are trying to meet twice a week instead. It’s been nice seeing each other a bit more and I find myself more content in one way – being with him is amazing. At the same time I find myself sad and disappointed that I can’t really spend time with him the way I want to. We can’t go out and have a nice adventure, we can’t really do much more than cuddle and watch TV, because anything else just exhausts me. I feel so limited. I try not to let it get me down, but preferably I would love to go out properly with him.

But he is ever understanding and looks after me. I don’t think I will ever see myself as worthy of his love, but I accept that and I accept that he chose me for a reason, regardless. I just have to keep holding onto hope, and having trust in medical science, in the national health services, and in humanity in general. And I do.

Jezebel Will Haunt me no Longer

This week I had an astonishing realisation. I can’t really remember what brought me to the point of the realisation itself, but a wave of clarity overcame me like nothing ever before. I believe – it was the key to my eventual full recovery.

For sure experimenting with neurolinguistic programming must have contributed towards the realisation, by realising that I could actively manipulate my imaginations. But all this time I had been so overcome by anxiety and terror that I was blinded from seeing the obvious that had been right in front of me all along.

My therapist used to tell me that Jezebel was a demonic character I had identified with due to all the deep seated feelings I’ve always carried around with me from my step-dad, the feelings of shame, loathing, and self-hatred.

I never saw the connection before, and even then when she and I were discussing it I could not understand it the way she did. The full meaning of her words didn’t sink in until now – and perhaps that’s the great thing about therapy.

My sessions with her are now over, though I have one last one booked in May, where I think all this time I’ve had to assimilate things will be a good thing to conclude the last session with.

Jezebel – that awful demon, had been a living reality to me, the worst and purest evil in all the worlds, physical and spiritual alike. I could not think her name, or think about the psychosis I experienced without being heavily triggered by the memory of her. The name of Jesus became my refuge against my violation of her presence in my life.

But as time went on I realised Jesus really isn’t real, that there is no God, and maybe just accepting that allowed my mind to start processing things. Of course it didn’t occur to me in my traumatised and dissociative state that if Jesus isn’t real, then neither is Jezebel. I mean, it had occured to me, but it hadn’t really occured to me.

What I mean really is that, all this time I’ve known that everything I experienced with the visions of Jesus and God and channeling extraterrestrials and being haunted by ghosts and such, I knew it was all my brain making it up, that they were all a figment of my deluded mind. And yet despite that, I’d not put two and two together and connected the dots that just because when my mum talked to the ‘demon’ inside me and out blurted the name Jezebel, doesn’t mean Jezebel actually existed or was inside me or was the cause of everything. In fact, she was yet just another randon name my mind conjured up from my childhood abuses that I had unconsciously associated with.

I don’t know if that’s very clear. But I think for the first time ever, I was able to see that memory objectively. I was watching it in my mind, the way it played out, the way I was ‘possessed’ by her, the way my mum spoke to her, demanded her name and commanded her to leave. And I was watching the replay, I realised that there was no Jezebel!!! She never existed!!! What had happened in actuality – is that my mum confronted me with her religious associations, which triggered deep unconscious connections in me to Jezebel, as Jezebel as a demon had been a big focus by both her and my step dad as a child. Essentially, my mind made the entire thing up.

And then, when I “accepted Jesus into my heart”, the only way my mind could protect me was to revert to when I first said that prayer at three years old, essentially ‘protecting me’ from Jezebel before I ever had learned of her and knew about her, essentially ‘saving me’ from the ‘evil’ which was ‘possessing’ me. Holy Shit.

I can’t believe I never saw this before, because it’s SO bloody obvious. I was psychotic, and Jezebel doesn’t exist. She is just a very negative complex inside my head that had been built from the abuses of my step-dad and associated with his own arch enemy he used to talk so much about (projection, in actuality) – Jezebel.

MY STEP DAD WAS THE EPITOME OF THE MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTER OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS BASICALLY HOW HE DECIDED TO LIVE ON IN MY MIND.

It’s really that simple! Omg! All this time I have been terrified of her, but now I see through the lie. She is not real, she is not me – she is just a symbolic representation of the abuses I recieved as a child. And this is exactly what my therapist was trying to tell me all this time, but I never fully understood it like this.

Now all I need to do is strip back the image of her covering up my step-dad, and confront my step-dad and say goodbye to him and continue going on my own path. Let him go, let the past go, let the evil go. Let the delusions and hallucinations and illusions go. As Carl Jung said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. Perhaps in my spiritual journey I was so desparate to heal my unconscious complexes that I purposely (in a way) broke myself down to such an extreme extent so that I would eventually realise this and overcome it once and for all. I have to admit, that since the psychosis I have become a person 1000x better than the person I was before.

I have no doubt that the mind is very, incredibly powerful, and that I probably do have an unconscious ‘higher self’ too, not in the sense of being divine, but just the best parts of my mind and myself that haven’t yet been integrated.

So, as you can imagine, I feel an incredible freedom for the first time since I developed this trauma. Of course, it hasn’t stopped the compulsive thoughts about the war between Jesus and Jezebel in my mind – but essentially that’s all it is. Jesus is the good guy, Jezebel is the bad guy (or gal) – it’s the duality within my own self I need to resolve, and once I’ve done that I think the compulsive thoughts should fade away by themselves (even the names are similar, isn’t that weird? Like two parts of the same complex?)

This feels like the beginning of a new life for me. The beginning of true healing, of true living, of true loving. I can give everything up, let it all go, because it’s no longer relevant to me and my life.

Maybe I will always struggle with the ‘Jezebel’ haunting me to an extent, and maybe Jesus will always be there inside me fighting her. I can let them get on and do their thing. In the meanwhile I am going to make it my task to transcend that primeval part of my brain and become more whole than ever.

Yes I have some anxiety writing this – it’s a process. But even just being able to say the word Jezebel and write about her like this is a testament to how much I’ve healed. I was too terrified before to even think about her without falling into a panic attack.

I am okay, I am safe, I am free. There are no invisible bad guys out to get me, no demons, so devils, no satans, no Jezebel’s, I can’t be possessed, I am ME, and everything else was just my shadow messing with me.

I am back to taking a Jungian approach to things again, however with a new neurological approach. I am very interested in the new scientific theories of consciousness which are supposed to solve the hard problems of consciousness, namely integrated information theory and global workspace. It’s too much to go into the detail of the theories themselves and how they even connect, but suffice to say I think the Buddha was right this entire time. Only by looking inside can we become more aware, and then liberate ourselves from our reptilian nature (doesn’t that just say it all?) Demons and gods are the imaginations of an unevolved brain. I’m ready to evolve.

*Takes deep breath and cries due to all the emotions arising*

duality_of_life_by_ravendarke

Brains Scans, Website, Computer Upgrade, Boyfriend Love, & NLP

Ok, quick update (mean it this time, I don’t have much time) – I had my MRI, it was nerve wracking but glad it’s over. Have an EEG booked for next Wednesday too. Gonna make an appointment with my doctor to discuss the results, which I’m anxiously awaiting.

My computer has been down for about the past week, which sucks. It was all okay then all of a sudden would keep shutting down. I formatted it three times and all kinds of stuff, was at my wits end, but then did a memtest86+ and turns out my RAM was corrupted. So I replaced it and everything is running smoothly now (upgraded it too, from 8gb to 16gb for one hundred pounds, cheap as chips).

So hopefully I can continue with my blog and website. I am having a lot of fun on my website, regardless of whether I am unsure whether I believe it or not, but the great thing it is so vague that you can believe what you want and still be into Goddess worship, as long as Goddess is the focus of course.

Easter has just come and gone, and the course I signed up to is messing me around, basically the customer service sucks so I’m going to look elsewhere for an online access to higher education course. My mum said maybe it’s a closed door and that maybe I should approach my dreams from a different angle. So I’ve been thinking about rather than approaching human enhancement technologies from a biological angle, to approach it from a quantum physics angle instead. The field of quantum physics is still pretty much full of guessing and no solid theories yet. So contributing towards that would make me feel happy, considering that after the study of consciousness, the study of the universe is my favourite topic.

Right, I’ve got to go. One last thing. I went back on spiritual forums for a bit thinking my ex had gotten over me, and I’d moved on completely, so, it was bizarre when I accidentally came across a post which seems to have been aimed towards me on some level? So anyway I guess I will just ignore that forum again. Like I said before not really interested in that forum that much these days anyway. My understanding of the world is more naturalistic than mystical these days.

My boyfriend is pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me. I know I had a psychotic breakdown but that’s all in the past and honestly my boyfriend brings out the full potential in me and makes me the best I can be. It’s what I’ve needed all this time, someone secure, confident, strong, but compassionate, sensitive, and spiritual too. I never even knew what I was missing before I met him. My life is just completely taken the best turn, have completely taken the best turn, changed for the best. I can’t believe the progress I have made with self-improvement all thanks to him. I am studying again, and I am more active instead of lazy (as much as I can be despite my mobility issues anyway), I am more confident in myself, I have a purpose and goal in life. It’s amazing, and it’s all thanks to him. I feel I am so lucky.

After Note: Oh yeah I want to add that I’ve been meditating a bit again, and it’s helping a bit. Also I’ve gotten a bit into NLP too because of my boyfriend and it’s really helping with my anxiety more than ERP (the little I’ve tried it so far anyway)…. Finally I can put my imagination to good and proper use. More on that in a later post.

ERP, Meditation, My Religious Ancestry, & Karezza Lovemaking

So, I thought I’d do a quick update. A few things are on my mind. This probably won’t be an excessively long post as I’m writing from my phone, however, knowing me I can ramble about nothing forever so don’t be surprised if it does turn out to be mega long as per usual.

Okay, so, what’s new? Well, I tried doing exposure and response prevention for my compulsive thoughts. Maybe I tried it too fast and when I was tired too, rather than starting off lightly and when I was feeling at my strongest. However, I think the point remains that it’s not right for me and that I won’t continue to consider it as a potential solution.

What happened is that I had a full blown psychotic and hallucinatory episode, for about five minutes. Not really sure that actually counts as psychosis, but that’s all I can explain it as. I was absolutely terrified, I was uncontrollably gnawing on my own skin, scratching myself, convulsing, and seeing hundreds of demons coming towards me to possess me. At that point I was so overwhelmed by stimuli that I did a major shut down and stopped the exposure and response prevention.

Anything that triggers that IMO is not worth it. Because I’m trying to create new healthier neural connections, not strengthen the diseased ones witch made me unwell in the first place. I think also such a radical practice is probably not endorsed by psychologists, as they tend to take more of a cognitive behavioral view these days, which during my therapy helped loads.

Unfortunately though my therapy ended, though my doctor is trying to get me back on the system again, but it may be a while before that happens. In the meanwhile I need to fins a way to manage the anxiety (and the crazy). So I’m actually going to be brave and try meditation again. But rather than just jump straight into focused meditation with no object (what I always excelled at), I’m going to start light with guided meditations, because they always worked in the past. Then I will gradually intensify my approach until I feel I can’t go any deeper without risking a breakdown. So basically I just need to know my limits and work with them.

Really the thing I have to do is to stop responding with the compulsive thoughts. But it’s easier said than done. I have had times where I’ve actually excelled at that, as my uncle told me to do it early last year. But in practice the waves come and go and during the hard waves it can be nearly impossible to meditate without the psychotic episodes bubbling back up to the surface.

However, I do have my MRI next Wednesday, so hopefully that will give some insight into my brain and why it’s so messed up.

Another thing I wanted to mention is how lately I’m researching my religious ancestry. I am half British and half Mexican with some Spanish and Irish mixes in. That makes my religious ancestry Christian, Celt, and Aztec. I think that’s pretty fascinating. Me and Graeme were talking about the archetypes and the shadow and collective shadow and I kinda had the though that the archetypes and symbolisms and mystical experiences of Christianity will never leave me, for the reason it’s imprinted in my very genes. So why resist that? I will never get away from it.

On the other hand, I am very drawn to my Celtic ancestry, and currently as a result Celtic NeoPaganism. I am reading a book about the Celtic peoples, their history, mythologies, beliefs, ect. It’s very fascinating. I have never felt so connected to my own history before like this, and the more I explore it the more it feels home to me more so than the Christianity.

As for the Aztecs, what little I have read about them makes them a bit undesirable, what with all the human sacrifice and bloodthirsty gods. Still, maybe I don’t really know enough, so I will keep my mind open. I know I’ve often felt connected to the Mayans, which I think may be in my Mexican side way back somewhere too. All I know is that the Aztecs migrated from somewhere else into Mexico and mingled with the Mayans(don’t quote me for it though, I have a bad memory).

Spirituality I guess I’m doing a lot of exploring at the moment. I like the magical emotion that you feel when connected to a spiritual/religious tradition, especially when it’s the right one for you as a person. Even though I still don’t think the gods are real and what not, I am still agnostic, and as for my Goddess movement I made a website for, I still feel connected to the divine feminine and my hope is that eventually once I choose a proper spiritual path I can integrate everything all together in the unique blend that makes me “me”.

I guess really I am a bit of a contradiction. On another note it’s weird to note that I still experience a lot if heavy chest pain, which is only eased when I press my hand or say my teddy against it for comfort (my therapist taught me that). My doctor said it’s anxiety, which maybe that’s all it is and the answer is just that simple. But it’s a bit unnerving to think I’ve been healing so well emotionally from PTSD, yet my body doesn’t seem to agree. But maybe there is a secondary cause for that such as the suspected epilepsy.

Okay last thing, this week I made a breakthrough in my relationship with Graeme. I never realized I’d been holding up some psychological barriers that I’d carried over from my last relationship, but since Graeme and I have been having sex it’s started to add a whole new dimension to love I never even thought was possible. It wasn’t an instant thing but rather over time as we’ve been love making a really deep connection has been forming, and at least on my end I felt wonderfully completely and totally surrendered to his heart, to our love, and to some otherworldly sense of ‘union’. I felt like I was one body with him, I felt so close to him physically and emotionally the whole time I was with him. I don’t know whether to call it ‘spiritual’ but I will use that anyway, even if there’s a biological reason.

So I just had this incredibly emotional and spiritual experience with him this week, like we were one soul, and it was so beautiful I ended up crying a bit a couple of times. It’s like I was in cloud nine, in such a wonderful place. Lovemaking with him actually has always been like that, regenerating and healing to all levels of my being, but this was totally otherworldly, and I finally knew how he felt towards me a while ago when he expressed similar feelings. I guess I took a while to catch on, maybe because of my extra baggage, but this connection between us feels absolutely wonderful.

I wonder actually if the reason our lovemaking has been like this is because we’ve both taken on some tantric-like ideas(namely ‘karezza’) about not orgasming and going slow and making it more of an emotional experience than a primal lust filled experience. We both seem to enjoy the slow mindful approach much more, as it’s like meditating and focusing fully on each other. It’s very ‘spiritual’, and scientifically is supposed to raise oxytocin levels (the bonding hormone) through the roof. So maybe that is what’s going on. I have never before been so less interested in orgasming. The great benefit too about it is that you never get exhausted or tired after that post orgasmic dip. It never happens. You can have sex multiple times a day as a wonderful bonding experience, spiritual experience, and pleasurable experience, and it’s actually really increased my libido tenfold. I feel like a totally different person, yet in such an amazing way.

I know all that is a bit personal to write about, but some people may be interested and want to know how others are getting on with it. Honestly although Graeme was my first going all the way to home run, most the men I’ve talked about with it before seem totally uninterested with not orgasming. So it’s just wonderful that my boyfriend takes the same approach, and sometimes there is an orgasm, and often there isn’t. It’s not the focus, it’s just a side by product. So I think this approach to sex, as well as the act itself has really allowed me to experience feelings I never have before, a depth I never thought was even possible. And I am incredibly excited to keep exploring this path with him and getting to know his soul so intimately, as if we were one soul.

I dont think I’ve ever been more in love than I felt with him these past couple of days. I totally surrendered on all levels, and opened my heart fully to him.