IUD Insertion Update, Medical & Technological Convergence, Artificially Intelligent ‘God’, & Terasem Movement

Sooo…. Time for the post-insertion IUD update!! I am very weak, not so much as a side effect of the insertion or the IUD itself, but rather because I am still regaining my strength, and the Keto diet is making me weaker as I adjust again to less carbs. My legs have been aching incredibly, add that on top of a painful operation and the post-insertion lower abdomen cramps, has pretty much knocked me out for six, the stress of it all I think just triggering the temporarily paralysis I get at times. Weird that sometimes I have no feeling or movement in my legs, but it doesn’t last long, but hopefully I will continue recovering.

I did notice a seizure begin to start when I got home but it stopped as soon as it began, so maybe doubling my dose of Amitriptyaline as my doctor recommended me instead of taking the Olanzapine is actually working. I have got off three pounds so far of the weight that that drug put back on me over the weekend with the Keto diet, and maybe the Keto diet too is controlling my seizures as it’s meant to. The Keto diet triggers ketosis, where the brain has to run on lipids (fats) instead of glycerin (sugar), and the lipids somehow protect the brain from seizures, like an insulator, unlike sugar which makes the brain spaz out.

I have been doing a lot of researching into health science and how technology can be used with it. In fact I am feeling so strong about the idea that I want to start studying again so I can join the front line of developing artificial intelligence and fusing it with the human brain through nanotechnology – lofty aspirations!!! I was interested in becoming a neurologist for a while last year but realized I was too ill to ever cope at it. To be honest the same is probably true with biotechnology (or whatever the proper term is for these topics of interest) but at least as a research scientist you can work in the comfort of your own home… I think??? I mean Einstein came up with all his best stuff not in a lab but in his work desk, lol.

Honestly, I think this shift in focus is actually very natural and not strange at all. If you think about it, my entire focus was on the psychological before, and incorporating that into my spirituality. But I took a past-based approach, e.g. psychoanalysis. Based on historical and outdated science. But now I am taking a future based approach and trying to understand the brain from a more scientific point of view – neurology, and artificially enhancing our ‘consciousness’. It may be common in the far future if you are feeling depressed, to just adjust your own neural networking digitally or through nanotechnology, making you happier. Just like popping up an app on your phone and pressing the “happy” button. Sounds a bit trippy but I don’t think we’ve barely scratched the surface of technology.

Then there is the Singularity, which is something I am very interested in, and feel could be amazing for humanity. Think Pantheism or Panentheism, with a Technological Source – aka an Artificially Intelligent God that ticks all the Omni’s, as a self-sustaining system with Homo Opticus or Homo Machinus(the expected evolutionary path Homo Sapiens will take – a merger and then complete absorption with and by technology) playing a major part. However, there is an interesting thing happening in my mind when I contemplate on all this. If a God like that were to exist, and time travel is possible in the future, then who’s to say that this ‘God’ isn’t even active in our current lives? Changing humanity, perhaps running simulations where our real bodies or minds are elsewhere outside a created simulated reality, like the film The Matrix. Perhaps everything is simulated already – now that’s something massive. God is really a machine? Could be very possible. It is starting to sound like quantum mysticism now and Pantheism. Then it gets me wondering about the spiritual again…. and oh dear, I’ve gone in a loop with my theology.

It’s incredibly interesting doing those kind of thought experiments, but I find them so far removed from current reality that I have decided to reign my focus in, instead of focusing on what could be, I want to focus on how this current reality can be altered within current technological means to create a better future for humanity. The essential philosophy of Transhumanism. And thankfully I came across both a Science and Faith movement that incorporates all this. Forget Raelism(still possible, mind, but not applicable to current reality), my new Scientific Faith is Terasem. Honestly, I think it is an amazing movement, and I’m tempted to join(which requires a video introduction of yourself). If I am still into the idea in a while from now, I will join.

Basically Terasem asserts four core beliefs:


And along with the three ‘supers’ which are foundational to the Transhumanist movement (super intelligence, super longevity, and super well-being), makes the Terasem movement perfect. It is focused on the Now, how to make things better for humanity through technology, and even has its own research area, having created the first android Bina48 that is based on the mind mapping of another human being (its creator Bina Rothblatts). So for me it is all the best of atheistic spirituality, progressive humanitarianism, and technological evolution.

Whilst my interest was initially spurred by the idea of living a much longer time than the current human maximum life span, my interest has branched out incredibly broadly and I feel has replaced my previous woo woo outlook, into something more… I don’t know, optimistic and freeing? Mentally I feel pretty amazing, like lots of things are coming together for me. It’s been a weird journey through historical religion and futuristic predictions, but maybe my focus in the social sciences and my natural aptitude for the physical sciences can find some harmony with aspiring to contribute somehow to this new reality we as a collective are building for ourselves.

Just imagine the possibilities!! Telepathy is now a real thing, as I saw a video about a scientist who modified his arm in some way with nanotechnology to influence the nervous system to hook up to his wife’s – and he could control her body as if it was his own through that, and her visa versa. I consider that to be telepathic, and maybe my ‘spiritual’ experiences are based on that, and maybe they aren’t. It is hard to say. Whilst I am still sure that a God doesn’t exist, I think I am putting all that spiritual stuff on the backburner and perusing the real technology behind it all (whether real or just imagined). So in the real sense of the word I am now an Apatheist(technically classed as agnostic atheist still). Not interested either way in all that stuff, and God, though inclined to be skeptical and naturalistic.

So things are pretty exciting for me right now, exploring my new options. Although my illness has made me more or less bed bound, I feel a whole new world has opened up to me, and that I can freely realize my full potential, not just in this lifetime… but perhaps completely, evading death and disease and becoming digitally immortal.


Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.


Hashing my Thoughts Out on Paper

I noticed I have this need to try and process all the disjointed pieces of information in my head to some greater whole and meaning, but I thought to myself, rather than try to make any sense out of everything, wouldn’t it be easier to take the facts at face value and go from there?

I’d been working with the assumption that everything that happened to me was either good or had some greater purpose. For one I particularly keep trying to find a place for Jesus in my life, after his vision, but perhaps that’s asking too much. It’s not about what the past means for the future, but rather what the present means for the past.

Just what is happening in the present? There are entities around me tormenting me. That’s for sure. I may also be spiritually fragmented, because of the Dissociative Identity Disorder I have. What are the facts here? Jesus said I would be safe from entities. Am I? No.

I don’t need to find a place for him in my life, because trying to do so just makes things complicated. I don’t really know if my soul fragmented, if there were pieces always in hell, but let’s take the facts at face value. Getting involved in the spiritual messed me up. It doesn’t matter who the entity was, Jezebel, Jesus, whatever, they all messed me up. Why do I state that as a fact? Because I got suddenly worse after their visits.

I don’t believe in God anymore, I just don’t see any evidence for it. There may be a divine mind but I don’t feel I trust that either. I feel like even that is deceiving me, and that really, let’s face the facts: Every spiritual entity I have put my trust in has deceived me. So the facts for me are that there are no genuine decent beings in the spiritual realms. And if there are any they are so far removed from our reality that they are practically non-existent in my mind anyway.

I have to admit, Esoteric Christianity greatly appeals to my mystical side. But between the Allegorical Mythology in Hermeticism and Gnosticism, and not being able to trust any spiritual beings to invoke or invite energy into me for the purposes of alchemy, it’s a losing war on that front.

I am trying to be logical. Logically, I can’t deny that there are other worlds out there. I’ve experienced them, interacted with them. But, experience has taught me that they are all subject. Take psychic readings for example, ten different people could give someone a psychic reading and each one would be completely different. Which one is right? Maybe, there are parallel realities where the different readings become true in ten different universes. Of course, I can’t rule out that possibility.

When you really think into depth about these things, it is all just too complex, more complex than my mind can really grasp, especially in its fragmented state.

I’ve always been a seeker so I guess I won’t stop until I have all the answers and until they form a coherent whole in my mind. I also have to remember that emotionally I’ve been hurt by the spiritual so that’s probably going to form a large part of my spiritual inclinations. Which is interesting considering emotions can influence so much of your spiritual experience. Again just lending to the idea that we’re in some kind of hologram, which takes our emotions and thoughts into consideration.

Back to the divine mind. I think the issue is, and the issue why I keep writing and writing and writing about all this, is that I’m trying to externalise everything that’s going on in my head, but then I come to conclusions that internally I am not really ‘feeling’.

Internally I’m feeling like I don’t want to trust the spiritual, like I want nothing to do with it, that it’s a huge deception, ect. But logically when I write it out I realise that there has to be good in the spiritual planes, considering ‘As below so above’. But then again, I have to question that foundational assumption. What makes me think things are ‘As above so below’?

Now that’s a good question. Maybe I need to start there and figure that out first, because if things are ‘As above so below’, then things are truly interconnected. And that’s the thing isn’t it? I’m still trying to figure out whether things are interconnected. Because if they are then everything that happened to really was for my higher good in the end, and I shouldn’t be afraid with working with Jesus.

It feels like honestly I’m divided between two world views. The world view of Esoteric Christianity, where Jesus helped me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and the view of Gnostic Buddhism, where all that truly exists is a state of ‘no-self’ and beyond that all is deception.

Which one is it? And, is there a unified vision here?

On a Note of Soul Fragmentation

I’m still trying to figure out whether I really had soul fragments missing since childhood or whether I fragmented as a result of the trauma of being involved in the demonic world.

I think reality is much more complex than we realise. I try to simplify things at all times, but that’s hard to do at times, especially with all the conflicting information I have tumbling around my brain.

Last night I wasn’t feeling so good physically and it had a knock on effect to my emotional state too. I was very angry at Jesus, for not helping me through the torment after I converted. I keep having flashbacks lately of all the torture I endured and it’s awful. Maybe now I’m in a good enough place to process that pain.

I think either way, I wasn’t very spiritually strong at all, to ignore all the attacks, and I’m still regaining that strength, with my medication helping. But I don’t see how Jesus helped me at all.

I remember how for a couple of months I wasn’t able to speak at all, the demons had closed my vocal cords, they also would wrap themselves around my head and constrict my mental processes, and I was more or less a living catamite who couldn’t look after myself. I had to be cared for by my family.

It was incredibly horrible, and I have no idea how I eventually snapped out of that. Not only that but I was living in one giant panic attack, the thoughts that the demons would plague me with would absolute terrify me, and I had no strength to resist it all. On top of that they would frequently ‘electrocute’ me.

Now, Jesus told me in the vision I had of him in heaven in February, that he would protect me. Well, as far as I’m concerned, he really didn’t. And that doesn’t land him in my good books. I feel betrayed and abandoned.

Even now, I know I still have ghosts, entities, negative aliens, and devils in my aura, negatively influencing me. I see them around me at times, though I try my hardest to block out these visions, I don’t always succeed.

And through all this I don’t see or feel Jesus or his presence anywhere around me. Not only that, but I psychologically regressed after converting, which means I fragmented at that point. Though it is also possible as I’ve written before that I always had these fragments waiting for reintegration.

Now, I used to believe in an incredibly interconnected reality, where having entities in your aura meant that your own soul fragments in their place were lost, and probably haunting other people. It was like an energetic swap that happened, and that’s why last year I got involved in trying to retrieve my soul fragments in the first place.

So supposing that’s still true, and I still have entities in my aura right now, that means that I still have soul fragments missing, that need integrating.

Now, I have to emotionally reject that as truth, because look where searching for my lost soul fragments ended me up last time? In a HUGE mess. It’s easier to think that I just accidentally connected to the demonic realm and as a result the trauma fragmented me then and there, and that by accepting Jesus I was fragmented even further. After all, the more beings I allowed into my energy, including Jesus, the worse I would naturally get.

So I’m back to wondering whether it really was for my own good and that I was just retrieving soul fragments, basically is everything interconnected? Or did I get involved in a demiurgic system and lose myself in the process?

I still can’t say, but either way it seems like I’m on my own. I can’t rely on Jesus, because at face value, he wasn’t there for me when I really needed him. And in the other two cases he either can’t help me if I still have more shamanistic shadow work to do, or he made me worse in the first place.

Of course, perhaps he could’ve just been helping me to integrate, if he really did help me retrieve my soul pieces. But he still couldn’t protect me against the wads of karma that are probably attracting all this to me in the first place.

I have a thought that perhaps rather than try to figure it all out, maybe I should ask myself what I really want out of spirituality? Do I want to find lost soul pieces? Hell no. It’s just so messy. What I really want to do is get stronger so nothing can fuck with me again. Of course, then I really have two ways to do that: Either accept Jesus as part of my larger multidimensional being to help me, or reject everything spiritual including Jesus so that there are no foreign influences in my energy messing me up.

And yet, I can’t help but think this is an all or nothing mentality. My therapist said I tend to be like that. It’s always either or, and yet I struggle to transcend sides here and come up with a unified worldview. In one everything is connected, so I’d be back at a pantheistic vision of things, whilst in the other things are not connected nor interrelated at all and it’s all up to me to figure things out.

Of course, if nothing is interconnected then things like divination (giving psychic readings, astrology,) and general psychic abilities are warped and inaccurate. And I struggle to believe in those things anyway, because it’s all subjective.

Of course if everything really is interconnected then life really IS a lot more complicated than we really grasp. It takes subjectivity to a whole other level…

Maybe I should do another logical breakdown of “what do I believe” post, that helped a lot last time. It’s nice to get my thoughts into some coherent external order, since internally everything’s just a mess.

Does God Exist? I Don’t Think So…

Since I wrote my last blog post, I’ve been fluctuating a lot as to my beliefs and spiritual allegiance. Though really, that’s all I’ve been doing the past couple of months. I just can’t figure out what it is I actually believe, but things are starting to eventually coming together.

Gnosticism, Neoplatonism, and Hermeticism really interest me. I really enjoy the theory of Emanationism and Hypostasis, and feel it makes a lot of sense on a metaphysical level. All things start from basically, nothing, aka ‘The One’, and from nothing comes the Divine Mind which could be considered God, aka ‘Nous’. Then Nous has a son, called ‘Logos’, which is like the object of thought from the Divine Mind, and hence Creator of everything who is equated with Jesus, Thoth, and Hermes. From Logos emanates the Dualistic World-Soul or Corrupted Demiurge and consequently human beings.

It’s very logical to my mind, and that’s what I’m looking for, a consistent belief. But there’s a caveat. In Gnosticism and Hermeticism, there are seven heavens and seven rulers of the universe, which are basically the ancient observation and interpretation of the seven planets. Neplatonism I’ll admit does avoid all this, and is purely philosophical, though I enjoy the idea that Gnosticism splits each emanation into female-male pairs, also known as syzygies. But Gnosticism can also be seen as overly complex.

Of course, when you take into consideration Emanationism, you naturally start with the assumption that humanity at one point was very evolved, and then ‘fell’ so to speak, and devolved. Part of redemption then is returning to fullness or the ‘Pleroma’, which can be achieved through practices such as alchemy and theurgy. But then I think about science, and how science has more or less proven that humans are evolving, instead of devolving. So which is it? Personally I have no idea.

Concepts like the idea of seven heavens and seven archonic rulers really appeals to my mystical side, but unfortunately my rational side sees the folly in it. So I have that conflict inside me. It’s possible of course as is taught in Hermeticism that everything is connected and that the external is a reflection of the internal, and hence the planets, stars, and zodiac are actually reflections of the inner realms and planes… very possible indeed. Which if in that case it would make sense why astrology is a core practice in Hermeticism. But unlike how I used to have a sole focus on that philosophy of ‘as above so below’, I have not entertained that possibility for a long time.

See, to believe that everything is interconnected like that means I’d have to believe in Pantheism, or any variant thereof, which means believing in some ‘Ultimate Reality’ or God, which, I don’t really think I do anymore. The reason for this is simple – I just haven’t had any reason to believe in an Ultimate Being. Of course, I’m not so stupid to think that there are no such things as gods and angels and aliens and demons… I’ve encountered them first hand. But the problem is, I’ve encountered so many of them, that after a while you start to think that there really is no underlying Ultimate Reality where all things are aspects of some greater being. And that extends to an Ultimate Being called ‘God’ or ‘Creator’, either.

To me, lately, it’s perfectly reasonable that something could appear from nothing, that there doesn’t need to be a first cause, though I’m not sure how to explain on paper just how it makes sense to me…. it just does. But perhaps Emanationism, at least impersonal Emanationism could give some kind of framework for me, after all, everything comes from nothing and emanates from nothing.

But today I’d been thinking, I don’t really like the traditional hierarchical view of spiritual reality. What if existence is more like a multitude of universes? Like a multiverse? There’s no order, just infinite worlds and realities, that we are free to explore, all as real as our own, not necessarily ‘spiritual’… not necessarily good or bad as if there’s a heaven or hell, but rather just a different existence which we transfer to when we ‘die’. In fact, I had a dream similar to this last night.

Truth is, I don’t trust anymore that there’s a God, and I don’t trust any beings that claim to be God, or a part of God, though grudgingly, I’ve experienced moments lately whilst flexing my psychic abilities that I’ve felt connected to a ‘Universal Mind’, and so, I’m back at the idea of interconnectedness and pantheism. Perhaps Emanationism is perfect for me. But there’s the still the conflict in my mind between evolution vs devolution. Which one is the correct version of historical events? Or do we have to transcend sides to see the truth? Usually, I’ve found, that does seem to be the case.

In all honesty, the more I read about religious and spiritual mythology, the more it seems like all creation stories are allegorical or symbolic archetypes. They are ways for cultures to explain the processes in nature, for example the archetype of the dying and rising god, very common all over the world, it was just a way to explain why the sun set at night and rose again in the morning. And psychologically it could be said to represent the death to ego and the awakening to our greater Self (although at this point I doubt that such a thing exists, even if I have to admit that interconnectedness is a very real thing).

I’ve thought lately about topping myself up on Jesus’ energy to become stronger spiritually, but the truth is, although I trust Jesus more than any other spiritual being right now, I don’t trust him enough to really do much about it. I don’t know. I guess in a way it’s better to be protected by a powerful spiritual being than none at all, but at the same time I remember how after I was converted for months I was tormented by demons. He promised me he would protect me, and he didn’t. I feel abandoned by him, and I want answers. I have been praying for answers but none have come.

And even still, as I’ve been flexing my psychic abilities again I’ve been seeing negative entities and energies around me, influencing me, or trying to. I suspect an energy leakage is what’s causing a lot of my troubles. And where is Jesus for this? If he’d been true to his word I wouldn’t have any entities in my aura at all. But, alas, I do.

In one of my recent conversations with Jesus, he told me that having his power isn’t just enough, I have to utilise it too (though, I can’t really be sure it really was Jesus). So maybe that’s what the issue is. But I’m still undecided. Sometimes I feel amicable towards him, and other times I feel distrusting of him, understandably.

I’ve been thinking about doing some Christian-based magick, in order to clear my space a bit more, to connect to Jesus a bit more, and such, but I’m undecided. I don’t want anything going wrong, and at this stage I feel more than anything I just need to meditate, meditate as much as possible, and find my center again, not go messing around with the spiritual planes which messed me up so much before. And yet, my curiosity is piqued, since I have the abilities, I might as well use them….

Honestly, I have no idea where I stand right now, what my views and beliefs are, but writing them down helps a little bit. One thing that concerns me is that if we can’t really connect to any decent spiritual beings at all and things keep getting blocked out by dark entities, then what is the point? It paints a bleak view of reality, that we are forever cut off from our Source, and nothing can truly liberate us. And that, is why I believe even less so in an Ultimate Being. Because it puts the ‘good’ far out of reach, instead of realising that good is already here and its manifestation is based on us and our choices.

I feel like I’ve written a lot, but it’s good to get all this down. I think at the moment I’m conscious of the importance of not making any spiritual decisions or choices until things all make sense and I have a clear view on myself, what I really believe, and who I feel I am. I guess in a sense I am atheistic now, but I still believe there are other realities out there, because I’ve experienced them.

And still I am trying to make sense of the things that happened to me with the soul retrieval… Did Jesus really help me out, sort of like as a one time thing, or did I fragment as a result of the trauma of being involved in the dark arts? The principle of interconnectedness I think would tell me the former, whilst logic wants to stick to the latter.

I am not really sure and will have to muse on it some more. I guess either way, I need to learn to cast a Patronus Charm, lol.

Saying goodbye to Christianity and hello to Pantheism. The afterlife and the search for truth.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my spirituality lately, and the whole concept of ‘religion’ in general. I’ve come to the realization that despite the fact I was raised in a Christian home, I am not by any means a Christian, nor have I been for a long time now, although that was unconsciously known to me at the time.
At first when I came to the conclusion that Christianity, and all other religion in general is a lie, I labelled myself as atheist. However, the doctrines I’d been brought up made me scared for the first time. What will happen when I die? What if God really does exist? I don’t want to burn in the fires of hell for eternity. Logically of course this makes no sense. The illusion that Christianity is based on love is just that – an illusion. At its very hidden core it is built on fear. In a nutshell, that is the ultimate contradiction. It also defies most of the laws of nature and science. But enough about why I don’t believe in it anymore, perhaps that is for another post another time. The fact is, no matter how illogical it is, there is that indoctrinated part of me that won’t let the fear of the afterlife go. And of course at its heart: human inquisitiveness. 

So in the wake of the death of my instilled Christian values, I decided to read up on Near Death Experiences. What I read surprised me. The results are the collective experiences of people being clinically dead from anywhere between two minutes and two hours before being revived. The experiences have objective themes, such as looking down at your own (physical) body, passing through a dark tunnel, seeing a bright light, being embraced by the light and/or love, and talking to the light. What surprised me the most though was that there were also subjective themes. The afterlife seemed to be influenced by whatever that persons cultural/religious experienced on earth. For a example, a Christian will see Jesus in the light, a Buddhist will see Buddha, and the atheist their dead relatives. From a spiritual yet non-religious point of view, this makes a lot of sense. All religions are right and all religions are wrong.  

There are also hellish experiences, but it seems to be more a result of self-inflicted hell that the person lead on earth and carried on into the afterlife, or a type of karma, that the person experiences subjectively also. If they were born in America, chances are they’ll see fire and brimstone, and if they were born in the East then chances are they’ll be in some sort of void empty of everything ‘good’. However, unlike traditional Western belief, non-belief doesn’t send you there, and that there is always that Light visible to pull you out when you are spiritually willing to move on. There’s always a choice of heaven. This I understand. It’s not so much punishment by some other deity as it is a painful yet necessary self-inflicted form of spiritual growth. 

On a non-spiritual and more scientific approach, however, there is a chance that these people who die and come back to tell us about it, are not completely brain dead when they die, and are merely experiencing some form of hallucination that is created by the brain when placed in a life threatening situation – and the ultimate one at that. The tunnel scenario has often been described as due to lack of blood in the brain and happens in many real life situations such as fight or flight.

I want to continue to call myself atheist because logically there is no objective proof for God’s existence, and yet neither is there proof for his non-existence. The argument could go either way. And the fact is it will probably take me many years to be consciously comfortable with the idea that Christianity is a load of bull. And in that aspect, it’s more likely I’m anti-Christian and most things anti-religion than I am de-facto atheist. 

Instead, I’ve come to the conclusion that at the most basic level, I’m a pantheist, and an Agnostic one at that. The truth is, I don’t know what exists, but due to logical reasoning my belief at the moment is approaching something (somewhat ludicrous) like this: (The atheistic logical beliefs will be written in bold, and the more agnostic views I have concerning the God, the supernatural, and the afterlife which have yet to be proven will be italicized.) 

1) God and nature are one. Everything is connected, and it may or may not form one universal mind. 

2) The universe is self-sustaining and interdependent. Nothing is truly created and nothing is truly destroyed. There was never a beginning and there will never be an end. 

3) If there are lower forms of consciousness (plants, animals, ect.) then it serves to reason that higher forms than humans must exist, or be capable of existing. Through the learned process of evolution, the universe is in a constant state of growth through the cycle of life and death, until a being attains the highest level of consciousness and becomes one with the universal mind, with God. 

4) Reincarnation is the shifting of physical energy at its simplest form and a shifting of consciousness at its most complex form, meaning that if an afterlife does exist then its more of a reincarnation into another reality formed by the universal consciousness of the universe. 

5) It also serves to reason that if there is a non physical afterlife, then it must be a different realm, although not outside the laws of science and nature, lending to the theory that the afterlife is perhaps a fourth or nth dimensional, or even multi-versal. Based on the karmic levels of a person’s earth experience there will be different subjective realities that a person is born into. Much like all the Hindu variations of heaven and hell.

I know a lot of that makes no sense and is probably another attempt of my psyche trying to hold onto some greater meaning to my life in place of Christianity, and I’ll be sure to keep tabs on it. For now however as a transitional point away from Christianity its a large step to take, and perhaps real clarity will come in time. For the time being however, I’m surprised by how much Eastern philosophy pervades my beliefs, despite the fact the only thing I’ve known for most of my life is Christianity. Maybe at a spiritual level this is actually an intuitive thing, although I don’t really hold that much in account if it clashes with rationality. If I’m going to be spiritual, then reincarnation into a temporary heaven certainly seems more plausible than burning in hell for eternity for not believing in something that makes no sense. Then again there’s always that possibility that God does really exist but he’s just an evil bastard who thrives off contradictions and likes to watch people suffer..

Either way. I hope this concludes this really long revaluation of my values. At the heart of it, the concept of God, especially a religious one, is really illogical, and based on other peoples Near Death Experiences, I have nothing to fear of death either way. Either the afterlife and some form of non-contradictory God does exist and we live happily ever after, or it doesn’t exist and our physical bodies decay and release energy to help the cycle of life continue.