Water is Just Water- Duality and Non-Duality

I’ve come a long way since this time last year, when I was going through my dark night of the soul. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m especially grateful to everyone on spiritualforums.com who have expanded my awareness and made me open to new perceptions and ways of seeing things. I feel like now I am at a place where my views have come full circle. I have integrated my self-realisation experience, and now everything that comes my way, instead of looking outwards, I look inwards. I always look inwards, to such an extent that I see reality to be something like a loop.. it loops all back in on itself, always. The outside is just the inside. The inside is just the outside.

When it comes to the tough questions in life, I think most of us overcomplicate everything. We delve into philosophy to understand, we make all these theories and we write texts explaining everything, but reality is simple, and it is unexplainable.

Those who know, know, that nothing is knowable. Still, we can establish ever increasingly enhanced modes of perception, where duality becomes less and less a part of our worldview.

So many questions can be answered by the question itself, for example, “Who am I?”- “I Am”. It loops back in on itself, always. People debate things like morality- good vs evil, ego vs spirit, selflessness vs selfishness, evolution vs stagnation, movement vs stillness.. these things are not separate, they are all the same thing in their differences.

Ultimately, what everything comes down to is water. Life doesn’t exist for any reason than other to live. Again, the answer is in the question itself. The seeker is the sought. We can make all these stories about how life is for evolving, for understanding.. but there’s nothing to understand. We are just the Universe experiencing itself, and living life.

We love ourselves enough to hate, to feel separate from all-that-is, to hurt other people whom are just extensions of ourselves, to hurt ourselves. We decide everything that happens to us. “Why do all these bad things happen to me?”- Well, you tell me, you’re the one who adds meaning to your life. 

Every choice we make is our own. The Universe is just one grand tapestry, all interwoven. There is no past, no future, no beginning, no end, no completed state, no separated state.. there is nothing, and there is everything. There is duality and there is no duality. Love is personal and love is impersonal.

Everything has an opposite, and that opposite is not actually an opposite. It’s just another way of seeing the same thing. And that’s what life is. An exploration of perceptions.. an infinite destruction and creation of itself… 

We are not the ocean, and we are not the wave. We are the water. And water is just water, no matter what aspect of itself it is.

Out of Darkness and into the Light: Childhood Abuse, Twin Flames, and Spiritual and Kundalini Awakenings.

I have had the craziest past year. Well, I’ve had the craziest life to be perfectly honest, but I felt compelled to share the experiences I’ve had in the past year. The last few months especially. Not many people will probably understand what I’m about to write, and this includes closest friends and family (if family ever come across this). But I felt like I needed to raise a bit of awareness, not only for them as to how much I’ve changed as a person, but also to give anyone who read this hope that life is not as bleak as it all seems. Miracles can happen, if you want it bad enough. Seek and ye shall find.

I shall start at the beginning. This time last year I was living in the midst of emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, and even physical abuse. I had been living in it for the last sixteen years, since the day my mother married my step-dad. Ever since that fateful day, the person who I was gradually deteriorated until I felt like there was almost nothing left. I grew up depressed, neurotic, suicidal. I had no idea who I was, all I knew is that this man in my life that I was expected to call ‘daddy’ all of a sudden was someone I did not want to be around at all. I didn’t perfectly understand why until last year, when his abusive nature came to light, finally, after a long and hard subconscious search for the truth.

We managed to get him to move out, but then suddenly I found my world turned upside down. I was lost. After the initial feel good exhilaration that came with the freedom I had always sought for, I spiralled head first back into the darkness. Death became my best friend. Thoughts of suicide gradually turned into thoughts of murder. Over the period of a few months, I had started to become the person I hated the most. I had no other sense of identity. I vehemently rejected my perceived weaknesses and replaced them for what I believed would make me ‘better’. I rejected love, light, happiness, health, and eventually even fun, for hate, darkness, and evil. ‘Fun’ eventually became an obsessiveness with being in control. In control of myself, other people, and life in general. During that state I believe I was perfectly capable of murder. I became my worse enemy, because it was the thing I related to ‘being strong’. If you don’t want to be put down again then be the one to put others down first. It was simple.

By the time my 20th birthday came about, what was left of ‘me’, the genuine, real me, was completely dead and gone. I had chipped away at myself in the name of self protection, until there was nothing left but a shell clinging on desperately for meaning. Leading up to this time and also for a few months before my step-dad moved out, I was somewhat romantically involved with someone online, a soulmate, who towards the end opened the doors towards a glimpse of my real self, of true divine love. I didn’t know what was happening at the time though, and things spiralled down from there as I engaged in a battle with myself through said soulmate. We cut contact and I swore never to love again from that moment on. I only got worse from there, until my birthday came and went, and I met someone new online.

Suddenly everything I new to be true was turned upside down once again. My fortresses of hate were barraged through with that same divine love I had experienced that one time before. And I was powerless to stop it. Wave after wave after wave of divine love, channelled through this one person. It was incredible, and definitely not human. During this time I accidentally came across the term ‘twin flames’, and since then I have adopted that term for it, as there was nothing else that could really describe it, despite my slight disagreements with the theory itself. Twin flames are basically considered two halves of one soul, and when they reunite they act as a catalyst towards spiritual growth. As lovely as this all sounds, it really, really wasn’t. It was absolutely terrifying. I found out I could actually love! Who knew that?! I had a taste of God.

Even more terrifying, however, was when the high faded. Human ego consciousness returned. Problems arose. And I was dragged head first back into the deepest pits of my own personal hell at the speed of light, also completely against my own will. Initially my consciousness had been temporarily expanded, but it basically only served to give me strength to face and release all the years of trauma that were trapped within me. And I held on through the skin of my teeth. I have to say at this point it was actually a whole lot worse than the actual abuse I went through previously. I was tested to my utmost limits. It wasn’t pretty. It affected every part of me, even my physical body. Eventually, after hitting absolute rock bottom, after meeting my demons head on for the first time ever, after staring into my deepest, darkest fears, after an entire week of crying and throwing up due to emotions alone(!) I decided that I didn’t want to be the person I used to be ever again. I wanted to love myself. I was tired of living a lie, a lie I didn’t even know I’d been living. You could almost consider this a New Years resolution that I came up with during the Christmas period. Lovely time for having such a traumatic experience.

I decided to take some time out at the beginning of the new year, and I tried my hand at meditating. I felt drawn to the spiritual again, after a year of trying to block it out of awareness completely. Within a week of starting I had two awakening experiences and had to stop for fear of psychosis. The first experience was my full spiritual awakening. It came completely at random. I hadn’t planned for it and I knew nothing about such experiences at the time. I just wanted to practice a bit of mindfulness. I put on some random meditation music I found on YouTube and then I accidentally met God, I kid not. This is something that I can’t really explain properly. All I can say, is that for roughly about half an hour, I not only felt love, but I became identified with love. I WAS love. And love was everything. And everything was God. And it was as if I was looking down on myself, as myself, but as God, and I saw my step-dad in me, and all his darkness, and all my darkness, and then I just loved it, and I loved him, and I loved myself, and I felt myself loved, by myself. And I forgave him, and I forgave myself, and that day I let go of everything. I became a different person.

It changed me so profoundly, that ‘I’ am not me any more. I am nothing. And yet I am everything. All the time I was searching for identity, I was merely closing myself off more. The only way to truly find identity is to let go. Identify with nothing. Just be. Let energy flow through me rather than close it off. Let myself feel.. For the first time I found I wanted to feel. For the first time I felt truly alive. For the first time I loved myself naturally, without effort. Hate for myself and hate for others all but completely disappeared. And for the first time ever I felt like I was more on the side of light than on the side of dark. Except for the fact that light and dark are completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. What I felt was transparent. What I felt was complete, within myself. And I found that I could be content even through pain, because the source of suffering had been transmuted into Light, and continues to be so.

Over the coming weeks I noticed that my alcohol addiction had completely disappeared. There was no explanation for it. When I did drink, a hazy, numb, heaviness settled over me. The clarity I seemed to have permanently gained disappeared and it made me feel a sort of groggy, grossness. There was suddenly no longer anything pleasant about drinking. I noticed more and more that I would feel like this when eating certain unhealthy foods, and when I dropped back into depressive episodes, and even when listening to certain rock and heavy metal music that I used to love. I honestly don’t know how I lived like that for so long. It was so incredibly unhealthy, and yet I could never feel it. I just drank myself further and further away into oblivion. Killed myself over and over again. Willingly let myself be chained to a drill that had no other purpose but to dig oneself further and further underground.

The second experience I had whilst meditating that week was a full kundalini awakening. I also didn’t know anything about it until after it happened. This is the one that has made me cautious of meditating again for fear of psychosis. In comparison to others my awakening was fairly simple, probably because I had already released so many energetic blockages previously. But simple didn’t make it any less terrifying. After ten minutes of feeling like I was floating, I felt an energy at the base of my spine. Or to put it more simply – I felt turned on, and for some reason I felt prompted to concentrate on that feeling, until it exploded and shot up my spine all the way up to my head, leaving me nothing but a writhing mess for roughly about a minute. 

I don’t know what being electrocuted feels like, but I could definitely compare it to that. It was absolutely terrifying. And yet simultaneously it felt absolutely amazing. Meditating again a few times after that brought up wave after wave of more controllable energy, but I still couldn’t control it enough. Eventually waves of energy started shooting through me whilst I wasn’t even meditating, and I had to stop completely after reading the warnings online. It’s another process of refining the emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies, and if done too much at one time can cause a breakdown, and even death. So now I only meditate far and few between.

By this point the online relationship I was having that instigated all these changes in me had changed so much due to my complete shift in awareness that I felt like being together would no longer serve either of us beneficially any more. It was time to move on. Not only that, but the intensity of it all still hadn’t let up, and I felt like the whole thing overall was so traumatic that I just needed to get away and have time to stabilise. I know now that my spiritual progress will be a lot slower than it was before, but at this point in time that’s the best thing for me. I need to go it alone, and work through my remaining issues, before becoming self-actualized and doing what I was put here on this earth to do. Besides growing through love that is 🙂 

I don’t know whether I will ever talk to supposed twin flame again. I don’t plan to. But they do say that they do eventually reunite, whether in this life or the next [since I wrote this post we have reunited and become friends]. All I know is that for someone to cause a change as great in me as this, they truly have to be important at a soul level, and if we ever do reunite, then it will be when the time’s right. And to anyone who saw this entire drama unfold from the outside, as abusive as it always seemed, abusive it never was. It was just me meeting my real, true self, and learning to love and accept it. And it has truly and completely changed me for the better.

And now, I shall live the rest of my life being the best me there ever was and ever will be. I shall love and laugh and cry and rage, and ultimately, be alive! Life has never felt so bright.

I’m no longer that depressed homicidal person in love with darkness, pain, and death. I’m transformed. Somehow. It’s truly a miracle. If there is a God out there then he is looking after me, I can say that for the first time in my life with conviction.


Life After Solipsism

My thoughts have been turned to the afterlife a lot lately. It’s not something I purposely mean to ruminate over. Rather, it’s something I find myself thinking about in my spare time. Now, I don’t believe in any version of life after death, and I am completely open to the fact that there may be no life after death, no matter how much I may personally want to believe that there is. Either outcome sits well for me. In the meantime, however, my mind has nothing better to do than to come up with some eccentric theories to questions such as “Is there an afterlife?” and “What is the nature of reality?”.

This article started from a simple question. A simple question of “what if?”
What if the afterlife isn’t as great a place as it’s made out to be? The most commonly held view of the afterlife is that once we die we will go to a better place. But what if we don’t go to a better place? What if the afterlife is pure misery? What if we were only partially sent here by our ‘higher selves’ in order to escape the hellishness of ‘reality’? 

This got my mind whirring. I was immediately reminded of this Matrix quote: 

Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? 

Most people can attest to the fact that life feels like a dream. So, what if life is a dream? What if we take this concept and add it to the previous concept? What are we left with? 

We end up with the theory that life is but a dream. A dream that is but a fraction of reality. A dream that is a refuge from the harsh truth of reality. A place our minds are sent to to escape, to find solitude and peace. And every time we die we are reborn, awoken again into the real world. Awoken into hell. Reincarnation would be nothing more than falling back to sleep once more to escape into a sweet semi-conscious oblivion.  

I doubt suicide would continue to be a problem if we knew reality to be as harsh as this. 

This has to make one think about the absurd notion of Solipsism. Solipsism holds the view that one’s own mind is the only thing that is known and can be proven to be known. Therefore the Solipsist believes he is the only one in existence, and that reality is just an unconscious process of his imagination. For those who haven’t heard this philosophy before then it probably seems utterly ridiculous. And yet, the theory I proposed above would actually make Solipsism a viable possibility. Isn’t that just a weird thought? 

What would that make reality? What is ‘reality’? Is reality truly what you make it?

Rescue Me…

This is what I wanted. To not feel again. So why now do I feel so frustrated?
I’m screaming, my fists are pounding the walls that make up the self-imposed container of my mind.
I will be glad if I never feel anything again. And yet the past calls out to me, reminding me of what used to be. Was it all just an illusion, in the end nothing but a dream? I don’t want it to be.
And still I’m here, crying out for you to save me, but I’m afraid dear, that this time it’s too late to rescue me.


I’ve been feeling a little disoriented lately.
I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what’s the point in anything.
I go through life not feeling a thing, on automatic, dead inside.
Yet I want to do something to change the world.
In the words of Light Yagami, this world is rotten.
Yet one person alone cannot change anything.
And even if I could change anything, what would be the point in that, really?
Everything’s just so pointless.
I have no money, no real aspirations, no life.
And everything just seems so pointless.
Most people live for their town, or their country, or sometimes for the world.
But when you have a mind like mine,
A mind that can see the whole of space and time in their minds eye,
A mind that sees God as subjective,
A mind that’s amoral and apathetic,
Then how can you begin to even justify our existence?
It’s all just so pointless.
I want something to die for, and the only thing that’s worth dying for is change.
But in the end even change corrupts.
I can’t even find a job, how can I change the world?
I can’t even talk to people without wanting to die.
So how could I want to die for them?
Why do I care so much, when I care so little?
Should I just join a terrorist organization, blow up London?
Start World War Three?
I can’t even find the strength to escape my room,
Escape these fantasies.
Day in day out. Always the same.

The Meaning of Life

So I was chatting to my best friend earlier, and this is part of a discussion we were having about religion, and the concept of God. Everything that’s written below is what I wrote. I basically had an epiphany and figured out the meaning of life.

Christianity is completely based on fear. They spend all their time talking about love, whilst in the back of their minds they’re telling people that without God they’re going to hell. It’s hypocritical at its best. The Christian God also doesn’t correspond to the laws of physics. I was watching this video last night about how scientists have finally figured out how something can come from nothing. Because the universe has a cosmological constant of zero. It actually has zero energy. In other words, “We live in a universe dominated by nothing”. The universe, or the zero energy that underlies everything, always has existed and always will exist. And the universe exists as it is stuck between the possibility of nothing and the possibility of everything. It’s a confusing concept to understand, but whether or not you believe that there is an all pervading consciousness, science is beginning to understand “God”.. and that’s certainly not the God of the Christian bible.

You know what I think? I think that Jesus, (if he even existed, since there are no legitimate records), I think that he was just an average simple Jew who taught the philosophy of love and people started idolizing him and thought he was God. The first part of the old testament itself was written two thousand years after it supposedly happened. Of COURSE it’s not going to be correct! It’s just mumbo jumbo. Second of all, the new testament was written two hundred years after Jesus died, by Paul and some other guy, who were the ones responsible for making Christianity a cult and spreading it across the whole world like a plague in the first place. It’s all just a bunch of lies. I don’t think it was deliberate. I just think religions are like Chinese whispers, passing on each others mythology and changing it ever so slightly over time until it’s unrecognizable.
As for morality and the afterlife, I believe that an afterlife probably exists, but I kind of have different views on it to probably almost everyone else. The universe is 70% dark energy and 30% dark matter. The matter we see is barely 5% of the total mass (or non-mass, if you consider how it has zero energy) of the universe. My body is made up of 70% water and 95% space. That space, is what I like to call the quantum void. (Not sure if that’s the proper name for it or not). But basically in this space, is the zero energy that pervades the universe. In it everything and anything can happen. Even the impossible. Now considering how quantum mechanics states that everything is interconnected, and considering how human consciousness is just an extension of the energy that is found in the quantum field, I believe that when we die, our ‘energy’ if you like, returns to the quantum void.
Now, whether or not we’re still actually conscious after we die, I’m not sure yet. If we’re not then we’ll probably be reincarnated. After all, “energy can either be created not destroyed”. But if we DO remain conscious (as many people who have died and come back to life can attest to, so it’s a strong possibility), then I believe the saying “as above, so below”. Meaning that if we were bad people on earth, then the ‘realm’ we go to after we die will be bad too. It will be a hell of our own making. HOWEVER, I don’t believe that hell is actually a bad place. A) It can be like a place where we learn from our mistakes and move on to a better place, or B) people who thrive off that kind of horror may actually like it and will not want to move on.
At the end of the day, this system is (in my opinion) completely logical, and doesn’t rely on some ‘God’ to judge whether or not you go to a happy place or a sad place when you die. You’re the person who judges that. And what’s more, what’s a happy place for one person may be a sad place for another person. It’s ALL subjective. The entire freaking universe is completely subjective! God is just something our ancestors came up with to explain how the sun stayed in the sky, and then later to explain why we, as such small and insignificant beings, exist in such an ENORMOUS universe. But science is proving more and more that there doesn’t need to be a reason. It just is.
Actually I was just rereading what I wrote (earlier) about limitations: I believe that there needs to be limitation in the first place in order to appreciate, and even understand the whole concept (of freedom) in the first place. To limit is to define. We are limited by things like language, our bodies, and thus we are defined. Now this is more philosophical, but what if the universe is evolving with us on an interdependent level? That the universe actually limited itself in human form in order to understand itself better? We are all parts of ‘God’, trying to understand why it exists? And we’re evolving together as one entity? Because complete chaos couldn’t be understood. But once it’s limited, it’s defined, and it can be understood. Perhaps if there’s a meaning to life, that would be it? I think all the religious people are gonna hate me.
This is license for me to do whatever the fuck I want and not even be worried about anything ever again? Religions are all based on fear, when in reality LIFE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THAT. IT’S EXPLORING FREEDOM THROUGH LIMITATION. Well I guess that’s what most religions do anyway.. but the meaning of life is.. dun dUN DUN: LIFE! Wow. I just logically reasoned why the meaning of life is to live.
So now when people say what’s the meaning of life, I can just say, the meaning of life is to live. And they’ll be like, it can’t be that simple? Religious people have everything so backwards it hurts.
Or maybe they really are right and I’m just insane.

I spend my days looking through pages trying to find a way to get away from me…

I know I’m going through psychological trauma right now, but I can’t even bring myself to admit the fact. I just ignore it hoping it’ll go away, just like I ignore everything else. Meanwhile I watch my life wash away down the drain and try not to give a damn.

Every time mum brings up stuff that happened in the past – I just brush it off or walk away. I’m incapable of talking about anything. Sometimes I get flashbacks and I have to close my eyes and try to regain my mental bearing by shoving the memory back into the mental cupboard. I frequently dream about situations relating to the trauma, and every morning I wake up automatically trying to forget about it. 

In fact I barely sleep anymore. I’m afraid of sleeping too much, because past experience has taught me that the less I sleep the less I’ll remember my dreams. This is due to sleep repartitioning: REM (the stage of sleep responsible for dreaming) is the most important part of sleep, and so the less you sleep, the more your body repartitions it to the beginning of your sleep, meaning you wake after deep dreamless sleep unable to remember anything. Not only that but I hate waking up past a certain time, because it makes me feel vulnerable due to past experiences. 
I’ve also become completely disconnected from my emotions. The only thing I can truly feel is anger. It consumes me and feels so good, because I’m incapable of connecting to anything else. Not even reading depressing fanfiction or fangirling over hot fictional characters keeps me emotionally connected anymore. I watch gruesome things instead and fantasize about killing people in a myriad of different ways. Just something, ANYTHING, to make me feel alive. It should be disturbing but it’s not. I’m even detached from that.
Part of my brain worries about some of my behaviors, yet the larger part can’t be asked to give a fuck. I’m pretty much an alcoholic now. I feel like all I ever do these days is drink alcohol, just to escape from my thoughts, from my head, to not care about anything. Self-harm has also come into play a whole lot more lately. I have so many scars I’ve lost track of them all. My arms, my hips, my thighs. I’ve given up feeling bad about it, because the pain makes me feel alive, it makes me feel real, and the resulting calm afterwards – it’s almost like being on marijuana. 
I’m an addict. And I’m so glad I have no way in which to buy drugs, because that would surely be the end of me. I have something like ten co-morbid personality disorders, and I really don’t know who the fuck I am. I’m just drifting endlessly..
I’m so depressed and yet I’m even detached from that. I’ve lost my passion for everything, including music. I just can’t feel anything anymore. When I was experiencing the trauma I couldn’t stop crying, and yet ever since I’ve been out of it, I’ve had eyes as dry as ice. Nothing can make me cry anymore. Things that should make me sad just have no affect, and instead I do the only other thing I’m capable of – I just laugh the sadness off in a disturbing, hysterical, and ironic way. 
I feel like I’m becoming a sadistic fuck. I just want to feel something. I just want to connect. No one understands what I’m going through. Why would they? They haven’t experienced what I have, plus I barely talk about it, because I can’t. And why would they care anyway? To them I’m just over-dramatizing everything, attention seeking, being a weird freak. 
Mum knows some of what I’m going through, even though I never let her talk about it. We have no money for help or anything, and I just feel so alone, having to deal with all this on my own. It’s so exhausting. I keep trying to push it all away, delay the inevitable mental breakdown, but the more time goes on, the more I feel myself cracking, breaking at the seams. I’m water steadily boiling to overflow point. And god knows what will happen when the inevitable explosion happens.