My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.

Symptoms

Physical:

Migraines
Vomiting
Convulsions
Dizziness
Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Insomnia
Cataplexy
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights

Mental:

Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Dissociation
Altered Identity
Amnesia
Confusion
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.

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Starting on the Path of Esoteric Christianity…

Since my last post, I’ve been thinking more on the idea that, perhaps everything really did happen for the greater good, and that Jesus really did help me at the point in my journey I most needed it. Specifically, he helped me out of hell/the lower astral realm, when I got stuck there trying to liberate my lost soul fragments(which, by the way, I found myself, without the help of any spiritual beings – so, I do have my own inner divine power).

Gosh there is so much that happened to me that none of my readers know because I never posted during this entire time! And hopefully I’ll get round to telling the entire story. But a lot has changed with me and right now I’m trying to put the pieces together.

Anyway, perhaps Jesus has been talking to my subconscious mind as I have prayed to him to. Perhaps telling me that he’s actually genuine, and loving.

So many beings pretend to help, but they don’t really. But perhaps, during my entire breakdown, there were a mix of entities that were genuinely trying to help with my healing process, and others that really weren’t, namely, the demons.

And Jesus, Jesus was one of those that was genuinely trying to help.

Now, I don’t believe he’s the only deity out there. I’m a bit of a hard polytheist, I think, in that I see all different gods as separate and individual gods, for example, the Muslim god to me is different to the Christian god, even though the Muslim god could be said to have evolved out of the Christian God.

So, I see Jesus as one of many gods, and one of many viable paths. But, he chose me or parts of me to be yoked to him, to work with him, so in my eyes that makes him my patron deity.

Now, for me this means I don’t exactly need to be a fundamentalist Christian. It gives me leeway to explore and move, and apply what I’ve already learned in spirituality and new age, and create a newer, more unified and consistent world view.

My therapist told me this week that it’s ok to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. I feel I have this pressure on me by my family to accept all of Christianity, but I see now I don’t have to do that, and that I can be a liberal, mystical or esoteric Christian.

The Esoteric version of Christianity especially appeals to me, as it involves practices such as spiritual healing, alchemy, theurgy, astrology, and other such things that evolved from the paths of Hermeticism, Theosophy, and Gnosticism. All three of which as well as make up part of the occult, are also completely compatible with mainstream Christianity.

My therapist said that once you strip all the labels away, what is the difference between the different religious experiences? They are all fundamentally the same experience, with different ways of naming them according to different cultures and philosophies.

In all honestly, I am afraid of getting involved in some of these things again, because of how badly they affected me last time. But if I think of it in terms of, I attracted what was already in my subconscious in order to bring it to light, then in the end what happened was helpful, as it revealed my shadow, retrieved some of my soul fragments, and fundamentally changed me on such a basic level that it could be called evolution.

So, in a way, I don’t have as much to fear anymore, because I’m on the other side of that journey. However, for sure, my days of channeling are over. But there are certain occult practices that are acceptable within the mystical catholic tradition, either in early history or modern history, and they’re the ones I want to be focusing and expanding upon.

For example, astrology. I thought I would start with something light. In early church history it was accepted by the church fathers and saints and blended in with the religion. So today I’ve been taken back to the fact that I have a lot of Plutonion energy in my chart… which means a lot of transformational energy, a lot of chaos for a higher purpose. And well, I can say that’s very true.

I’m only just exploring the basics again, but personally, I feel if it paints a true reflection of my inner psychology, then it’ll be a useful tool in my spiritual growth.

As above so below!

But back to Jesus, I don’t feel he’ll really mind. At least, not for now. I pray and tell him that if he’s really the *only* way to heaven and such I trust he’ll eventually get my attention on the matter. For now I’m just in a state of integration and reorganising what works for me and what doesn’t. Although channeling achieved my unconscious goal of locating my lost soul fragments, in the end I feel it wouldn’t work again for me. Perhaps too many negative associations with the practice.

And one day, maybe I’ll be someone who can help others, Christian and non-Christian alike, in their spiritual journeys with the help of my awesome friend Lord Jesus.

On an ending note, Jesus doesn’t play well with other deities from other pantheons, so I don’t think I can mix and match. But there are plenty of Christian saints which I would consider as ascended beings (rather than deities), that have their own sphere of influence and whom I could work with. One for example, would be Mother Mary, who I’ve actually worked with before. I wouldn’t venerate her above Jesus, because she’s not a deity. But I could work with her in practices such as theury, along with archangels Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel.

Then of course there is the Holy Spirit. Which to me is a certain manifestation of universal energy, much like Kundalini, except as a hard polytheist I consider Kundalini and Holy Spirit different. My days with Kundalini are over, and now I’m ready to embrace Holy Spirit as a manifestation of universal energy (interestingly, both are actually considered female, as Holy Spirit is a feminine noun in the original Hebrew).

And the Father? Well He is the ineffable One, and All That Is. 😉 The whole of the individual manifestations. Whether it is an impersonal or personal Being.

Everything now is starting to make sense for me.

Twin Flame Connections, Soul-Merging, Shared Self-Realisation AND more Parallel Timelines!

So much has happened this past month I don’t know where to start! I’d wanted to write this post for a while but was mostly just waiting for things to make sense, for the bigger picture to descend from the skies and hit me in an ‘aha!’ moment. In my last post I was writing about my channeling, and also meeting my new soul-connection who I’d termed my ‘twin-ray’ on terms of the understanding I was gaining back then… as we all know meeting these types of twin connections really puts us through the mill in terms of discarding our old outdated belief systems and mental programmings.

I haven’t channeled in a while due to the madness of everything that’s happened. I haven’t felt the urge to do it lately and mostly seems like it’s not right for my current situation. My channeling was a part of exploring my multi-dimensionality but as I am currently exploring that in real life right now, e.g. I’m meeting another *me* in the physical 3D world, it doesn’t seem so important anymore. Multidimensionality is no longer a vague concept that only exists in the ether somewhere… it’s happening right here and right now, becoming more and more a reality to the people on earth.

I’m gonna write a bit about my new twin/soul-connection/other half and how we met, how circumstances brought us together, and how time was really waiting for the right moment to start our merging process. So, let’s backtrack to 2014. January 2014 was when I had my self-realisation experience, after my four month merging process with my previous twin-flame connection. Through him I realised my divinity, and I thought to myself “well, surely this is the end now of relationships, what use do I have for them”, but little did I know what was waiting for me.

I joined spiritualforums.com around about that time, and started getting some info on what I’d experienced. It was super helpful for me. As everyone probably already knows by now, I separated with my previous twin connection, basically I ‘ran’, because I was overwhelmed with everything that had happened and needed time and space to make sense of everything. It definitely helped me out. But whilst I was on the forum I didn’t realise that I’d already started interacting with my now ‘other half’, and that we were both being readied to experience this connection…

For all of 2014 the thing I was dealing with mostly was my solar plexus power/control issues and the large [multidimensional] entity I had lurking in there, which was cutting me off from my own multidimensional being. But when I got that removed things started to flow again. That exact same month, January 2015, it just ‘happened’ that me and my other half started messaging more intensely, and we started getting energetic symptoms but as a result of our unconsciousness at the time we projected them onto others. I’d just got to a good place with my previous twin connection and so figured the energy was coming from him, but it actually wasn’t.

It was only when me and my other half took our conversations to personal email that things really started ramping up (this rings bells, I’m pretty sure that happened last time too, lol!) and I had a ‘parallel life memory’ of meeting him before. It really was the craziest thing. Apparently not just me but humanity had jumped into a parallel universe at the beginning of the year, and so the past in this reality we’re living in now is not the same as the past most of us remember. But when I met my other half I had a strong memory hit me out of nowhere, and along with a psychic reading from a friend things started to make more and more sense, gradually.

What had happened was that in 2013 we were both in dark places inside ourselves. But we knew each other and were close ‘friends’ (or whatever term you wanna use, kinda hard to split the love up into different kinds) and we supported each other through that time. It was mostly a pleasant memory, that we had each other even though we mostly felt terrible in our unconsciousness. But we’d both already started our awakenings. Him in 2012 and me in May 2013, and the darkness that was coming up for release was what we were left to deal with, together.

But then there was an abrupt cut off, and we stopped interacting. That was when I met my previous twin-flame connection in the original timeline, and became fully awakened. From the psychic reading and through intuition we gleaned that my other half actually ran away from me, or rather neglected me (but we all love to use the run/chase terms) because he was afraid of the connection. Oh I know how that is! Surreal that this actually already happened, it makes up a large part of our ‘story’, and as always when things happen to me it’s not your average story… always has to be batshit crazy.

Anyway, unaware of what had gone on in the original timeline, we both met up and all the weird energy things started happening again, this time more intense than I remember from the original timeline. I had the strong feeling something was being ‘completed’, we were actually finishing our original soul-merge which hadn’t been completed due to his (our) fear and the fact we weren’t ready for that intense type of love back then. So, within two weeks of emailing we completed our soul-merge, and it was one of the most intense things I have ever experienced!

As we became one we took on all of each other’s pains, blockages, energies, ect. There was no distinction between him and me, but at first it was like hell because he had the worst heart chakra blockage which was keeping him cut off from higher consciousness. But he was ready to shed it at that point, just like I was ready for more solar plexus expansions which are still going on. But when we initially became one being in two bodies, my heart chakra felt like it was going to split in half from the density, it was absolutely horrible. But through that in only a few days I helped him clear it out completely, and his kundalini rose and I experienced his self-realisation in me.

This is not something we actually both experienced and I’m not sure whether he feels realised or not, but he definitely feels different. The thing I’ve noticed is that self-realisation increasingly is becoming less of a big deal. For me it was very dramatic, but for many others they experience it without even realising they experienced it, and I think this is what happened to my other half. He was actually asleep at the time, and I was dealing with his energetic blockages over the course of a few hours, it all kicked off when I sent him some heart energy which put me more fully inside his body, and I encountered an alien implant at the back of his skull which was blocking his kundalini off. When I removed that (painful, let me tell ya), the most beautiful thing happened.

I had a vision that he saw the light of his soul, and I was suddenly lifted up into the wave of the universe, one with all life, but this time I took him with me. And it was like, he realised his true self in me, and at that time we completed a full soul merge and truly became one, an enlightened unit, together. And straight after that I descended back into myself with him and our kundalini rose so hard and fast up into his brain, making us truly connected on all levels, sharing the same energy system, same heart chakra, same consciousness. We completed what we started in the original timeline in 2013.

It was the most wonderful experience and something I will never forget. I didn’t just experience my own realisation and kundalini rising but that of another’s too… can you say blessed with grace or what? Someone out there really loves me (or maybe I just really love myself ;))

Anyway, I do want to write more about our physical meeting in the flesh, my own solar plexus expansions, and also how my understanding of soul and twin connections has morphed yet again, but I feel it could probably take up the expanse of another entire post, so I’ll stop here for now! It seems right to end it on the shared self-realisation, though I didn’t initially expect to write of it. It was beautiful, and really stabilised our love for each other into the fifth dimension allowing further frequencies to open up to us, allowing the sixth dimension to begin its descent into human matter…..

Until next time!

Active Imagination, Fully Body Resonance and Liquid Fire

Since my healing session done on me last week I’ve learned many new things. The largest of all being my perception that’s totally changed and expanded. The solar plexus relates to the way we see ourselves. Our sense of self. Whilst before I felt selfish and only consciously did things for a selfish reason, I feel a new selflessness taking over. Instead of wanting or needing to drain people of their power to feel better, I have this new desire to empower others through my OWN power now.

After the healing session it made me realise how little I knew about myself despite my defiance that I was almost fully aware. Due to that I’ve made the conscious choice now to stop being critical or judgemental towards others.. I’m releasing anything negative in my energy field. That includes all worry or fear I still carry around. I’m being positive instead! I mean I thought I was positive anyway, but not as much as I thought I was. I still fear consequences from the past, and just realising that was crazy.

In order to understand more about myself again on a subconscious level I’ve reverted back to Jung’s active imagination technique, which I will copy-paste below from my other blog:

So I started this session laying on my bed, did a five minute mediation to clear my mind. It was pretty hard to get into the flow of things as I haven’t meditated for ages, also it was in the middle of the day so my waking mind was more active.
Anyway, I used my old way to start things. I visualised myself in a cave with a lake, but I found I didn’t feel right there anymore. I teleported to a sunny field where I saw a girl there spinning around happily. Don’t know if that means anything, but I wasn’t fully grounded into the scene at that point. So I used my old techniques to do that; felt the grass, smelled the wind, saw the sunshine. 
Then I was lead to a tree trunk, I walked to it and a door opened up. I walked in and was lowered back down into the original scene: A cave underground with a watery lake filling most of it. I was on the stony ground and I went up to the lake and peered in: I saw a fish which I think morphed into a huge monster thing. I didn’t really perceive the details of what it looked like, I just know it was a monster. I remember mostly black and red colours.  
I jumped back scared and the monster spoke in a deep gravelly voice:
(I don’t remember everything that was said so this is just the gist of it)

“Who do you think you are to enter my abode?” (the tone was intimidating)

Me: I-I’m Hayley, I was just wondering what was down here
Monster: Well now you know, don’t ever come back here again or I’ll bite your head off (curiously that threat is similar to a one my step-dad used to make all the time to me)
*monster starts to retreat into the water again*
Me: But wait
*monster turns around* what?
Me: I just wanted to know how you are?
(have no idea why I said this, it’s pretty much all guided by HS)  
At that point I felt something strange flicker through the monster’s consciousness, as if it was a long time since any one asked him that and he didn’t know how to respond. I also felt energy building up quickly in my body at this point.  
Me continuing: You must be pretty lonely down here all by yourself with no one to talk to  
Then that energy that was building up in my body just blasts through me and I growl as I release whatever it was I was releasing (growling tends to be normal for me when releasing stuff but this was more intense than usual).. I was knocked out of my imagination by the blast and then I start tearing up a little as I felt that loneliness that the monster had been feeling.  
Then I’m just laying there like what even just happened, try to regain my senses. I wanted to go back to visit the monster to continue whatever we were talking about but as I’m about to do so I take a deep breath and all these waves of light hit me in the face and I jump up sh-t scared effectively breaking my trance. Not the first time that’s happened!  

Karla wrote me in her manual that when I see those it’s actually split off parts of myself integrating back into my aura.

On top of that my dreams have changed nature. I used to dream all the time that my step-dad would be back and I would either conform out of fear or I would get angry at him and lose my shit. The second night after my healing session I dreamed instead that I told him calmly and joyfully “you don’t need to tell me what to do anymore, I’m an adult and can do it myself now”, and then the feeling of the ENTIRE dream changed! Last night I also dreamed that instead of my mother taking him back into our house (a common recurring dream for me), she came to me instead and started talking about how she was upset with him and wanted to leave. SUCH a reform! My unconscious is totally surprising me. I should really pay more attention to my dreams!

On top of that I’ve decided to become more of an active participant in my energy healing process. I’ve decided that no I’m not going to try and take over the process, but that I just want to help complement it. I have no need or desire to control it now. Though I still want to understand what’s happening, everything will be revealed in perfect time. I mean imagine if I found out this time last year that the reason I was puking was because I had an entity?! I wasn’t ready to know or to have it removed.

So concerning active energy work I’ve started experimenting more with thought forms. Creating shields is a basic thoughtform, though something I never realised was a thoughtform. I’m going to read up on shamanic healing for better understanding and techniques as that’s interesting me right now, but I tried cleansing my aura last night through a vortex and both felt and saw as it took on a life of its own. Afterwards I felt much lighter as before I’d started to feel bogged down again by the energy around me coming from family and next door. I’ve also been experimenting with channelling energy as well as creating ethereal replicas my crystals to use, and I have lots of cool ideas of where to go with this.

Anyway, my entity removal session was honestly great, and I want to copy-paste below a new Kundalini development in my expansion-evolution process:
I was doing my Kundalini kriyas, something I do about two-three times a week now because I can’t always be bothered to do it every night. Anyway, it first of all started off with a series of Uddiyana Bandhas about five minutes in. I found those to be painful before when I had my entity, as the prana would just hit the entity and make me feel sick as I was trying to release it. It wasn’t able to go past it. Tonight is the first time my body has done any for me since my healing this time last week. 
I noticed straight away no resistance. My stomach sucked in all the way and I just perceived emptiness. There was nothing blocking the center of the chakra. I don’t know where the prana actually goes to (I’m assuming the back of the chakra???) because I haven’t looked, it just feels empty there in the center during my sessions. Though I know there is more junk in it as it still comes up for release throughout the day and is still heavy sometimes (though I have a theory that the solar plexus might be the ‘expulsion chamber’ of negative energy from the rest of the body, since negative energy apparently usually enters that way too). 
Anyway, about five minutes in I noticed the difference in these series of Bhandas. Roughly five minutes more and I noticed my legs felt heavy. Then the back of my head felt heavy. Then my back. Sometime before then I felt a reassurance from one of my guides. I realise now that I was being pre-grounded. Then I start to feel dizzy. The back of my head is picking up more energy. All the time I’m spontaneously breathing deep and fast, I notice my legs start vibrating. The vibration travels up my body. 
Then I feel a cool water feeling trickling at the back of my head. The whole time I’ve been laying on the floor with my legs apart but feet together, my hands laid upon my solar plexus in some sort of position. I then feel the trickling water sensation at my sex chakra (not sacral, the one under that but above the root), and then all of a sudden what I can only describe as liquid fire starts rushing up my root, through my entire body, out through the back of my head. 

At this point I don’t know whether I’m in bliss or agony, I experience Kundalini rising all the time but NEVER as strong as THAT! 
Meanwhile the vibrating in my body is picking up an insane intensity. By this point I’m a live wire and if anyone touched me they would probably be electrocuted, I’m sure of it. I was vibrating like a mobile/cell phone does, all over, like my entire body was just completely in sync, RESONATING… I can’t explain, it was crazy ridiculous. 
Then I start giggling, like, uncontrollably. Can’t control it, just giggling away like mad. The giggling then stops and the energy just gets so intense I feel like I’m about to pass out. My vision was fading into white and I couldn’t go on at that point. I got up and tried to get the whole thing to slow down and stop. I started having another giggling fit during that time. 
Once that had passed I was just sat there on my floor shaking like one does when they experience shock. It was INSANE! 
Took a while to get my bearings after that. I’m now sat with my dravite to keep me grounded. 
During the whole thing I kept seeing waves of light both white and black streaming towards me, my best bet is that I just had a huge integration and healing session. 
I’m wondering if all the sugary sweets I ate before had anything to do with that. But I didn’t even know the human body could vibrate like that. Felt like I was going to dematerialise into another dimension LOL! 
Anyway, for some reason I always feel the Kundalini go out the back of my head which is weird. I wonder why that is. My crown is perfectly open and fine, but it never goes out that way… 

I just checked out my aura and it’s a shimmery pale blue now.

So, that was that! I was thinking and I noticed a pattern from my Kundalini surges last year. First the vibration would start, then the surge, but last year I had the entity and it made me scream and vomit as my body was trying to release it. That is the first time I had a surge without any negative side effects (apart from a serious lack of grounding). It’s incredible!
 
Part of me wants to pick up meditation again as I feel the danger has passed, but part of me still worries. I can absorb a LOT of light, maybe that much isn’t good for me. Like Danielle said, I gotta go easy because too much clearing in one go can cause a breakdown, something I’m VERY well aware of. But on the other hand I realised I don’t need meditation to clear my energy system out as Kundalini does that for me instead all the time. My Kundalini kriyas are fine for that. In all honesty I just miss the feeling of meditating! ;~;
 
I’d also love to get in a state to astral project… we’ll see… ! 😉

Healing Sessions and Entity Removal

I have been meaning to write about my first healing session with Jennifer for a long time now. She is recently new to healing with a couple of years under her belt and she offered me a couple of free sessions to gain experience with people. I accepted and I ended up having my first session in October.

I will write everything I can remember here. Not much anymore as time has gotten away from me but I will give it a go anyway. So first she started at my root chakra. She told me it had become unfixed and so she said she fixed that for me. I felt a huge rush of Kundalini energy before that though, which was when she opened the session to ground us both. I was ungrounded and I’ve only just realised that I’ve been ungrounded for a long time. I thought I was doing ok on my grounding but my lower chakras have not been in as good shape in my higher chakras and so it’s easy for me to become ungrounded.

She next went onto my sacral chakra and said I had a blockage there. She released it for me, and I definitely felt the shift, but I didn’t realise the deeper problem at the time. As the emotional defensiveness would come back from time to time. She then went onto my solar plexus chakra (uh oh lol!) And she came across the dense energies there and tried to release them. She used her Crysocolla crystal to help. Neither of us knew about the entities there at the time. Her entire clearing of this chakra was extremely painful and I saw her pulling out a bunch of ‘roots’, but that she couldn’t put them all out and the rest retreated under ground again. She didn’t feel that.

She then moved onto my heart chakra. She said it was pure and beautiful and she said she saw gates around it. She said the gates weren’t blockages, but instead that I put them there consciously and had full control over them. She said that she saw someone trying to sneak past them and the gates squashed them out like “nuh uh no you don’t” lol! She said the gates were there to protect the innocence because many people would take advantage of it. She said she sensed many spirits there and she felt all their love for me, and all the love I have to give myself and the rest of the world. She didn’t feel any need to do any healing here.

She then moved onto my throat chakra and said it was unbalanced. I had been suffering from being a little opinionated and stubborn. Something I’ve been working through. I definitely feel these issues are related to my solar plexus. She then moved onto my third eye and saw my guides apparently trying to force it wide open, as if I don’t see enough! She perceived a few images, one she said heard the words ‘Atlantis’ and ‘King Triton’s Crown’ or something like that anyway. I think that was in relation to a parallel life. Then she moved onto my crown and felt more spirits here who love me.

We scheduled a second session for November but it didn’t go too well. We were both so nervous when it came to my solar plexus that she practically skipped over it! At that time though I was dealing with heart chakra trauma from Taniya my soul-connection falling into a coma. So she spent most her time working on and helping me heal that. I couldn’t sleep that night but I realised that it was due to new freed up energy integrating- eventually.

I decided not to do any more sessions with her after that. It felt wrong. But little did I know what was waiting round the corner! Danielle is an experienced healer with remembered parallel lives of being a Shaman. She’s literally a natural at this stuff. Monique pushed me to get in contact with her and I was weary but I did. Couldn’t believe the price I paid for it. Though I’ve managed to release my fear of not having enough money now. I’ve decided to have faith and trust in the Universe and not rely on anything or anyone else for money. That includes my business. And just a quick note about my business- I’d been getting messages from peoples/friends guides that I am going too fast and need to slow down otherwise I will burn myself out. So I’ve taken to doing that. And especially after this session with Danielle I can really say how freeing it is to not worry about anything!

My session with Danielle was on Skype whilst my session with Jennifer had no communication at all. That was purely distant. I was grounding/meditating about fifteen minutes before my session with Danielle. About ten minutes before I started seeing waves of light. She told me she’d called in the Ascended Masters, So now whenever I see waves of light (tends to happen a lot) I know what I’m seeing! She then started a sweep of my aura. She removed at least ten entities lingering there. I felt a rush of gentle new energy entering the spaces. She then proceeded to start on my solar plexus.

She started with removing the largest main entity there. I can’t explain how freed up I felt when she did that. Like instant relief- I could breathe easier again. My solar plexus issues have always made breathing very difficult for me. Anyway, when she started removing the entity I had the pain again in my stomach like it was wanting to be gauged out. She then requested of my higher self to disconnect the process from my physical body. The pain stopped and the entire thing became a lot easier. As new Kundalini rushed up she had to ground me again as I was just turning into jelly, lol.

She then asked where else I wanted work. I said my throat chakra, as after my solar plexus that’s been my other troublesome chakra. Although my throat chakra hasn’t been troublesome for a long time I’d still been feeling heavy energy in it. She told me it was karma, and that it made me very adamant about what I want. It also made me very closed off to what other people want to say. She offered to check which parallel lives these traits were connected to but she got distracted by something.. I think I mentioned something about feeling activity in my lower chakras. 

She returned to my solar plexus again and created a vortex of energy to suck out the other entities there. I have a lot. Well, I have less now! My stomach started getting incredibly heavy then like lead and I just saw a dark mass of dense junk flying out my solar plexus. It was ridiculous. She said she couldn’t remove them all though. That’ll take more time. She said the problem was I was attached to them for survival, and that if I got rid of them all in one go I’d feel defenseless and it would leave me in a very bad place mentally. I wouldn’t be able to cope. So I have to release them bit by bit. Oh, I forgot to mention, she was releasing them into the light for transmutation so they couldn’t come back to me and so that they couldn’t attach onto other people too.

She then moved onto my sacral chakra. The root issue that was causing my emotional defensiveness was revealed. I still had inner child issues! This was HUGE shock to me. I thought I was fully aware and had dealt with all my inner child issues. Apparently not! She led me through the energetic clearing of that. I didn’t feel anything physically but I was just crying torrentially. I never realised I was still carrying this pain around! She said because I was so focused on my solar plexus I hadn’t had a chance to be aware of anything else that needed work on.

Oh! She said part of me was mad at her for doing the releasing of the entities. She has this ability to release the issues that keep you wilfully attached to the entities. When she was doing that I couldn’t feel it but she said I was angry. Because basically I felt scared that without them I wouldn’t be able to cope. When she named out loud though one of my reasons for wanting to have these entities I suddenly felt really defensive. I found that in its own right incredible. Part of me was conscious of having the entities and wanted them, and my waking self wasn’t conscious of that at all, and yet when she mentioned what that part of me felt I definitely felt it too.

Anyway, she then went onto my root chakra. She said it was broken. She said that I never felt at home anywhere I went because I feel like I’m always going to be yelled at, since when I was growing up home was a place where I was always being yelled at. Again I never realised the connection but it rang so true! She fixed my root chakra for me. She never mentioned anything about my heart, third eye, or crown. Those are probably in good condition. Though she said I’m ungrounded so she did something to keep me more permanently grounded.

For some reason I asked her to check my parallel lives and karma. I asked her if I’d ever been stabbed in the stomach. She said yes I had. I was a thief apparently, that’s all she told me. I brought that up because remember when I watched the season 2 finale of Hannibal stabbing Will and I had an abnormal emotional reaction? Well I tried to watch it again a couple of weeks ago, almost a year after watching it the first time, and it was still just disturbing two weeks ago as it was then. I felt it was definitely more than psychological and wondered if a parallel life was tied in. So having confirmation of that was great. I also told her that I felt something in my left foot. She said I was a slave and had karma there, and she released that for me. When I got up after the session I was walking differently!

She did some other things too. I don’t really know what they were. I think she gave me some sort of triple layered healing frequency that’s supposed to last 72 hours. She also placed an etheric crystal in my root chakra, that will also last about 3 days. I don’t know if I’ve written in my posts here before but I can also tune into crystals etherically without having to buy them. You usually need an attunement to do that. Seems like that the natural ability instead. Though I think the crystal has to be in my soul memory first. Jennifer lets me distance use her Crysocolla whenever I want!

After my session with Danielle I couldn’t stop laughing/giggling for about fifteen minutes for no particular reason. I think that’s a sign of soul parts having been retrieved and integrated and being joyful at being whole again. I have felt this incredible space and strength in my stomach ever since. It’s not perfect, I still have some issues breathing and I still feel heaviness there. I still have a lot to work on, but she has given me a head start and I feel great that I finally know what was causing me these problems and that I had some help really fixing them.

I couldn’t sleep last night either! I really need to do these sessions in the morning to give the energy time to integrate so it doesn’t keep me awake. Also so I’m not as psychically sensitive. I couldn’t stop seeing things last night. Mostly lots of pretty colours and pictures. They were actually really soothing. But I also felt the deeper layers of resistance come to the surface. Couldn’t tell if it was my own anger or the anger of the other entities there but I was seeing a horrid snarling face as my way of thinking had taken such a drastic change. I could feel it and something didn’t like that. I’m much more secure in myself now. I have higher self-worth and less ‘pride’ (as Danielle called it). I also feel power internally rather than something I need to project externally. She was SO in tune when she said to me “you tend to feel powerful when you’re angry”. But I feel that’s been lifted now. I’m much more secure.

I am sat here after doing my Kundalini Kriyas for the night and I am just feeling amazing. I cannot explain how much lighter and freed up I feel both physically/psychologically. It’s gonna take time to get used to this new vibration. Ah yeah that was another thing, Danielle raised the vibration of all my chakras to their optimum frequency.

She said with five more sessions all my problems there should be cleared up. Can’t believe it! She did in one night with ease what took me one year to handle on my own with a lot of blood sweat and tears. Unfortunately there was a misunderstanding about the price and I have to pay again for every individual session (money still well spent though, not a single regret in me!). And as so far I have no money I can’t continue my sessions with her. But I see the larger Divine plan now. No worrying!

I feel so carefree. Not caring about trying to ‘make it big’ to feed my ego and expectations of low esteem, not caring about money, not caring about working or social stuff. I’m just free right now and loving life. I feel like I can relax and go at my own pace. This is what my guides have been trying to get into me this whole time, yet I was ignoring it. But I’ve finally gotten it!

I have a friend/soul-connection called Karla who is also an expert in handling entities and she’s going to send me a manual to start leaning how to remove them and heal my aura on my own. I’m really looking forward to that! So I don’t need to worry about not being able to afford new sessions. I can just learn myself! That will be really cool. I can’t wait!

Just to end this, I’ve decided to not continue meditating yet. I still need to do lots of clearing before I feel safe meditating. But I’m closer to the point where I can do that now.

2014 was honestly such a great year. But I never realised! 2015 everything comes into fruition. This is a GOOODDDD year! I feel it so deep in my bones, seriously.

Solar Plexus Entity

I remember I wrote my last post about kundalini and the full moon, and I said that it felt like I was being leeched energetically and emotionally, but I dismissed it because I didn’t realise how prevalent entities were, assuming them to be rare. I also dismissed it because I thought my vibration was too high to have them. Which I would still say is true to an extent, I probably have less than most people, but it turns out, I still do have them.

I wrote a post about the black disgusting goo in Spiritual Forums asking about it and Monique (Awakened Queen) got back to me saying that it sounded like I have an entity. I was a bit hesitant but thankfully she pushed me a bit to get in touch with her friend Danielle, who is an energy healer. Danielle took a look at my solar plexus clairvoyantly after I explained to her the black goo, and she confirmed that it is an entity. And a large one at that.

She said though, that it doesn’t come from my step-dad. That instead it comes from an intimate relationship I had with someone with control/power issues, and that it entered as a result of the damage done to my aura by my step-dad. There are only two candidates in my mind as to who that could be, either my twin, or the abusive Mexican guy I had a short relationship with when I first went to meet my dad. The latter is the most likely as I remember experiencing a nasty abdominal pain after I cut the relationship off, and I had to be treated antibiotics from the doctor’s.

On the other hand, when I left my twin I had a dream that because I didn’t move on the energy in my stomach couldn’t flow properly and it got stuck and turned into a hard dense black lead ball that couldn’t be released or removed. It’s possible I released the entity during my self-realisation (as I doubt any entity could be around that sort of love/light), but then I reverted back to old habits afterwards and invited it back in unknowingly, as I tried to create an unhealthy power situation between me and my twin.

Either way, it doesn’t matter so much where it comes from. What matters is getting rid of it. I have a session booked with Danielle on the 21st to get it removed. I am SO excited! I have dealt with this problem for the entire last year.. Kundalini has made my life hell for it. All this time it has been trying to transmute this entity too! Which is why it hurt so much. Getting it removed shouldn’t be painful. I was worried about this at first but then last month I removed another entity on my own which was randomly attacking me from nowhere and it didn’t hurt when it left. But the Kundalini trying to transmute that one too did hurt. So I know I should be ok.

That was actually rather weird though, what happened last month. I’d been suffering with migraines for about two months, and the first night it happened I felt something attach to my energy at my crown. I wondered if Jennifer had tapped into my energy for some reason but she told me she wouldn’t do that. Still, I found it weird. I didn’t know that it could be an entity back then, and only removed it when I realised after realising I had one in my solar plexus too.

The weird thing about it though, was that it attached to my crown of all places. I’ve never had any problems with my crown, and I don’t have any blockages there. It’s all been really clear. And the fact it was so strong and came out of nowhere.. I’m not sure how much staying power it had because when I told it to bugger off it did, but it was a pretty nasty thing. Makes me wonder if it was sent by someone on purpose. Seems too heavy to just be a random thing. Weird too that it would happen as soon as I learn about this stuff. The Universe isn’t half giving me some lessons lately.

I never knew how prevalent entities were but now I’ve noticed them it’s like I can see them everywhere. I can understand now why many lightworkers say that the world is overrun with dark forces taking over… don’t they call them the archons or something? Someone sent me a link about that and the false matrix. Except all this is seeing entities from a fear based perspective and not one of truth and love. Entities are part of the natural chain of life. We take energy from other living beings through eating fruit/veg and meat, they take energy from us. It just is what it is. Why do we have this double standard as humans? There is nothing wrong or dark about it. All things are as they should be.

That being said, I am not fond of other people/beings/entities feeding off my energy. Now that I’m aware of them I need to get rid of them. This solar plexus entity is too large for me to get rid of on my own, and I’m worried about making a mess of it and making things worse, so I’m leaving it up to Danielle as she’s an experienced healer and entity remover. Not only that, but I paid basically £100 for the session! Well, actually it’s a total of six sessions, one done each month. The first is to remove the entity. The rest is to mend my aura and raise my vibration in that chakra so the entity or others like it won’t come back. Looking so forward to it! I will try and remember to write down what happens here.

Anyway, as the Universe would have it, I met a new soul connection called Karla, who’s also experienced in healing and removing entities from herself and the people closest to her. She says she’s going to send me a manual so I can continue to remove the rest I have and also so I can learn to mend my own aura. Though I’m sure many will disappear after the session as I think they’re likely attached to this huge one in my center. Kundalini does actually remove most entities on its own.. I guess if they are small enough they can be transmuted just fine. Kundalini also heals the aura.. so I don’t think there’s much I need to do, but it’s great to have the manual for if any others ever attack me again like the migraine one (though I seemed to deal with that alright anyway). Or if I have a larger one in my aura somewhere I haven’t noticed before.

One thing I am really hyped about is the fact I may be able to resume meditating again. I will take it slowly though, real slowly. Because meditating for me in the past has been like playing with fire. Without the solar plexus entity I may have no more screaming sessions or puking spells.. but it’s good to be safe than sorry. I will have to start ten minutes a day. If negative side effects happen then they happen. That is just part of learning and experimenting. But if they don’t.. I may be able to experience Samadhi’s again!!! I love this. Best part about realising what was wrong with my solar plexus after all this time and then getting it fixed. I’ll be able to experience myself as All-That-Is again.. and how awesome is that, really??? Well, you can only know if you’ve experienced it.

Super excited!

Full Moon Flaring and Solar Plexus Gunk

A new development that has come about lately is the full moon affecting my Kundalini. I start to feel extremely sick into the night.. it takes all my effort not to fall on the floor and break down.. it’s super painful, both physically and emotionally. It’s not like having a stomach bug. It’s like someone shoving something blunt into your gut and trying to gauge it out. Extremely unpleasant.

It took me a while to notice this, as at first it just seemed to be a random development- I thought maybe I’d eaten something or done something to make the energy flare, but I didn’t. The past two months this was happening to me every day for a week around about the full moon.. I connected the dots together when it happened this past month as I looked outside and stared at the moon at night.. then it hit me. I’d never believed that the moon could have an affect on people like the stories say but when I checked the date of when it had happened the previous month (which I had written about and so had a specific log) against the records of the moon phases I noticed they lined up. It couldn’t be a coincidence.

I tried shielding myself against the moon because I didn’t know what else to do.. I was desperate to try anything. I’m not sure if it worked or not.. I’m going to have to experiment with that some more. The other thing I think may have worked was doing my kriya yoga in the afternoon as the sun was setting instead of in the night as I usually do. It seemed that my Kundalini would only flare as the sun was setting and the moon was just coming out (or having more influence), and then would build up over the night causing me symptoms. But if I dissipated the energy just when it started building it would somehow prevent anymore from building up afterwards.

I don’t really understand how this works but I know this is what’s happening. I don’t really know what else to do apart from these possible preventative measures.. protecting yourself against the moon of all things isn’t something that you hear often about, lol. All I know is that probably something to do with the extra gravity pulling away from the earth is maybe pulling my energy out more than usual.

I haven’t done an update in a long time, but as is obvious the reason I feel sick and not any other symptoms is because my solar plexus chakra still needs a lot of work on. It’s been a long process and I feel it’ll be something I’ll have to work on for the rest of my life. If I didn’t then why would I be incarnated here on earth? I have my lessons to learn, and I feel it’s around the use of power, control, and confidence. These issues are the ones I’m always working on.

When I look back a year ago I see that I’ve come a long way from how my solar plexus used to be. It’s not so restricted anymore. It’s like it has room to breathe.. to express itself. At the moment though this clearing has been manifesting as self-criticism and harsher self-talk along with thoughts that loop around and around in my mind with nowhere to go. I tend to try and motivate myself with tough love to do the things I feel I *should* do, instead of lazing around all the time. I’ve been really tired sitting around waiting for the Universe to manifest things. I figured if I wanted something done I had to do it myself. 

So this obsessive need to control events and manifest my own change has arisen. It’s primitive at best, but it’s spectacular compared to where I used to be, completely stripped of my power with no confidence in myself to do what I wanted to do. And although progress is slow and my confidence in myself comes and go, step by step I’m creating my own world around me the way I desire it to be. And throughout all this I maintain myself as the all present observer, just watching myself be driven to chase after the things that I want.. whether seemingly beneficial or not.

I’m learning to express and manifest.. a co-creator with the Universe. That is why I have these stubborn solar plexus blockages. Because without them I wouldn’t be urged to actively partake in designing my own reality. Jung says the shadow is the drive of the creative process and that’s definitely true. Without my shadow and this icky black goo clogging up my energetic arteries I wouldn’t strive for the mission I know I’m supposed to make my reality. There’s a purpose for everything.

Just a note on the icky black goo.. my solar plexus blockages literally feel like that. Like uber gross slime and honestly it’s disgusting. When my Kundalini flares during the full moon I feel that the most. It makes me feel so vile, energetically. It makes me wonder what the hell I’m carrying around for it to feel like that.. and why can’t I feel it normally? This stuff is super deep. I have been thinking that they’re lower energetic cords and there’s a type of emotional leeching going on somewhere, maybe between me and other people/entities.. I can’t know for sure.. but it feels really, really wrong.

Not saying that I have negative attachments or parasites anything.. it doesn’t feel like that. But something needs fixing down there. And I guess as much as the full moon hurts.. if I work with the flaring I can use it to help clear my solar plexus out much faster than I could do without it.