Studies in Spanish & Herbalism, Christ Sutras & Gnostic Jesus, and Dianic Wicca

I am not quite sure what I wrote in my last post, but probably a lot has passed since then as it seems like a long time since I last updated.

Lately I have not written much about my spiritual path and I have to admit I was worried for a moment that my mum had found this blog and was reading it, but the worry has passed for now. I’ve just been reaching out and trying to connect the dots together in my immense journey, and I have a little success. But I will write about that later.

First I want to touch on my new studies I have started. I am not sure if I already wrote about the Advanced Spanish course from Rosetta Stone I have taken up, but I have done that and have started watching most TV Series on Netflix with Spanish dub for the reason that it’s a skill that could be utilised in employment one day if I ever need it.

However, since reading a book on epigenetics and realising that I will probably never be well enough to be a properly certified medical doctor, I have decided to take the route of starting my own business selling my own herbal cosmetics and toiletries. However first is the issue of knowing how exactly to use the herbs. So I decided to sign up to a Herbalism course, which I have just started.

In part my decision was fuelled by my recent spiritual searching also. The truth is, atheism made a lot of sense to me, but I never felt spiritually fulfilled inside myself. I tried connecting to the images of Shiva and Durga first (even if they are just imagined), and Durga definitely had a positive impact on me, especially after reading the Devi Mahatyam where she slays demons all the other gods could not. She was both a mother and protective archetype to me.

But it still wasn’t enough. I may continue with Durga gently but she was not the deity for me. The thing is I had really lost belief in the idea of an Ultimate God or Being or Source or whatever. My life and experiences have shown me one doesn’t really exist. But the gods? Polytheism makes much more sense, both from a Jungian approach and a theistic approach.

The truth is I don’t know what I am anymore. Agnostic perhaps. But in the book I read on epigenetics studies revealed that even the belief in a higher divine being that you can connect with positively changes the expression of your genes. So clearly it is somewhat necessary, until science advanced further.

So I searched, and I prayed, and I prayed to so many deities. I heard no response from any of them. It reinforced my atheistic stance. But still I continued, wanting to feel a spiritual connection, to something, anything. And one day I found myself walking through nature, feeling very connected and inspired to try praying to the Roman Goddess Diana.

It was more out of desperation than anything, but when I prayed there was no doubt she visited me. Now, like my other psychotic hallucinations, who knows whether she is really real, or just some kind of projected mental image that was able to manifest due to right timing and circumstances? Who knows? Who knows indeed. But straight after praying she visited me, and pulled me into a vision of her and me in a forest, and she blessed me, and said she would be my Matron deity if I dedicated myself to her on a full moon.

Interestingly enough it was a full moon in the few days that followed, and I thought about it carefully. Devoting yourself to a deity is no small matter. After all I did that with Jesus and look at him still hanging around, despite the fact I had probably rejected him more times than one blinks in a minute. Yes, he’s still keeping an eye on me, even if I want nothing to do with him since he promised to  ‘heal’ me and never did.

But I’ve gotten over my misgivings. Of course if you see a deity as the Ultimate then why can’t they heal me? But if you just see them as any other being, perhaps divine yes but imperfect and restricted in their power. So perhaps Jesus as a healing archetype just wants me to figure out how to heal myself, properly? I’m okay with that. But it doesn’t mean I believe he is the only god anymore, or any more superior to other gods.

Yes, I have come full circle in my beliefs, and surely my family would be greatly disappointed in me after everything I went through. But I learned from my mistakes, and will not be repeating the things that caused me to go psychotic in the first place and ‘possessed’ by demons. I am on a new path now.

And so I was interested in Diana’s offer, if weary, because I had been searching for a new path and means of spiritual fulfilment. But then I suddenly had the realisation that the Goddess website I created for myself with an entirely new name for her was actually a shortened version of one of Diana’s epithets. Diana Caelistis. I could not believe it.

It seemed too coincidental and so that made my mind up. I said a prayer on the night of the full moon and dedicated myself to her. And honestly, since I’ve done that I’ve felt so spiritually satisfied inside myself. Is she real? Who knows. But will this path have positive benefits for my mind and health? That’s the idea.

Then there’s Jesus. He’s still hanging around, and I have still been praying to him. But I’ve been very frustrated for a very long time that the bible doesn’t properly describe his person. I feel all the editions of the four gospels for political reasons has distorted his true message. And so I was feeling at a loss as to how on earth I was supposed to know him when his history is so hidden among other agendas.

So, I prayed, that he would lead me across some kind of source showing his true personality, his true history. And I was not disappointed. So still he is with me, wanting me to know him, as he truly is, which too I cannot be anything but thankful for. And that night I prayed I came across a book called Christ Sutras, which were all the words of Jesus from ALL sources (gospels and apocrypha alike) arranged into sermons. And what a book it is.

I have never come across anything so incredible in my life. Hundreds of pages dedicated solely to the words of Jesus alone. His own words, his own sayings, his own teachings. NOT what the church made up about him for their own benefit. And a whole new picture of Christianity, the true and original Christianity comes out.

It’s been said the truer form of Christianity was Gnosticism. I did not believe it after reading the Nag Hammadi, as the mythology is totally bizarre and surely as fabled as the bible and new testament itself. However, the Christ Sutras treats these accounts the same way as the new testament. It only records Jesus’ actual sayings. And when you read through it and add it all up together, Jesus was definitely, definitely Gnostic.

Not because he believed in any strange stories of the demiurge and fallen aeons and such. But because he was enlightened, and knew the unknowable. Imagine a philosophy similar to Buddhism mixed with Jewish theology, and then you have an accurate picture of what the true Jesus was like. He was so unique as a man, as a messenger, and perhaps even as a divine being.

But that’s not the end of the story. I continued going back in time with my research until I reached the sect of the Essenes, a sect that existed alongside the Pharisees and Sadducees and a sect that Jesus was most likely a part of it. The Essenes could be said to have been ‘Gnostic Jews’, with a very big emphasis on a messiah, the apocalypse, asceticism, and good works. And as the Dead Sea Scrolls have been uncovered, we now have the historical evidence to show that Jesus was greatly influenced by the Essenes, and perhaps was even an Essene himself along with John the Baptist.

So when history is reconstructed chronologically everything starts to make sense. Jesus was an Essene and a Gnostic Jew whose teachings eventually became Christianity. He has left a massive legacy, but unfortunately many do not know the truth of his being. But I feel satiated and feel like for the first time in my life, I truly know him, and truly respect him.

And so, if he wants to guide me, then why shouldn’t I let him? I will not be a Christian that most associate with the word today, but I will be a true follower of the true Jesus. And I am happy with that.

So in conjunction with having that massive revelation I have also become a sister of Diana, which is a very exciting journey indeed. Diana is usually associated with magic but for me that’s not the focus. For me the focus is the connection explored through ritual devotion. And for the first time in a long time I feel content and at peace inside myself.

Jezebel Will Haunt me no Longer

This week I had an astonishing realisation. I can’t really remember what brought me to the point of the realisation itself, but a wave of clarity overcame me like nothing ever before. I believe – it was the key to my eventual full recovery.

For sure experimenting with neurolinguistic programming must have contributed towards the realisation, by realising that I could actively manipulate my imaginations. But all this time I had been so overcome by anxiety and terror that I was blinded from seeing the obvious that had been right in front of me all along.

My therapist used to tell me that Jezebel was a demonic character I had identified with due to all the deep seated feelings I’ve always carried around with me from my step-dad, the feelings of shame, loathing, and self-hatred.

I never saw the connection before, and even then when she and I were discussing it I could not understand it the way she did. The full meaning of her words didn’t sink in until now – and perhaps that’s the great thing about therapy.

My sessions with her are now over, though I have one last one booked in May, where I think all this time I’ve had to assimilate things will be a good thing to conclude the last session with.

Jezebel – that awful demon, had been a living reality to me, the worst and purest evil in all the worlds, physical and spiritual alike. I could not think her name, or think about the psychosis I experienced without being heavily triggered by the memory of her. The name of Jesus became my refuge against my violation of her presence in my life.

But as time went on I realised Jesus really isn’t real, that there is no God, and maybe just accepting that allowed my mind to start processing things. Of course it didn’t occur to me in my traumatised and dissociative state that if Jesus isn’t real, then neither is Jezebel. I mean, it had occured to me, but it hadn’t really occured to me.

What I mean really is that, all this time I’ve known that everything I experienced with the visions of Jesus and God and channeling extraterrestrials and being haunted by ghosts and such, I knew it was all my brain making it up, that they were all a figment of my deluded mind. And yet despite that, I’d not put two and two together and connected the dots that just because when my mum talked to the ‘demon’ inside me and out blurted the name Jezebel, doesn’t mean Jezebel actually existed or was inside me or was the cause of everything. In fact, she was yet just another randon name my mind conjured up from my childhood abuses that I had unconsciously associated with.

I don’t know if that’s very clear. But I think for the first time ever, I was able to see that memory objectively. I was watching it in my mind, the way it played out, the way I was ‘possessed’ by her, the way my mum spoke to her, demanded her name and commanded her to leave. And I was watching the replay, I realised that there was no Jezebel!!! She never existed!!! What had happened in actuality – is that my mum confronted me with her religious associations, which triggered deep unconscious connections in me to Jezebel, as Jezebel as a demon had been a big focus by both her and my step dad as a child. Essentially, my mind made the entire thing up.

And then, when I “accepted Jesus into my heart”, the only way my mind could protect me was to revert to when I first said that prayer at three years old, essentially ‘protecting me’ from Jezebel before I ever had learned of her and knew about her, essentially ‘saving me’ from the ‘evil’ which was ‘possessing’ me. Holy Shit.

I can’t believe I never saw this before, because it’s SO bloody obvious. I was psychotic, and Jezebel doesn’t exist. She is just a very negative complex inside my head that had been built from the abuses of my step-dad and associated with his own arch enemy he used to talk so much about (projection, in actuality) – Jezebel.

MY STEP DAD WAS THE EPITOME OF THE MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTER OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS BASICALLY HOW HE DECIDED TO LIVE ON IN MY MIND.

It’s really that simple! Omg! All this time I have been terrified of her, but now I see through the lie. She is not real, she is not me – she is just a symbolic representation of the abuses I recieved as a child. And this is exactly what my therapist was trying to tell me all this time, but I never fully understood it like this.

Now all I need to do is strip back the image of her covering up my step-dad, and confront my step-dad and say goodbye to him and continue going on my own path. Let him go, let the past go, let the evil go. Let the delusions and hallucinations and illusions go. As Carl Jung said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. Perhaps in my spiritual journey I was so desparate to heal my unconscious complexes that I purposely (in a way) broke myself down to such an extreme extent so that I would eventually realise this and overcome it once and for all. I have to admit, that since the psychosis I have become a person 1000x better than the person I was before.

I have no doubt that the mind is very, incredibly powerful, and that I probably do have an unconscious ‘higher self’ too, not in the sense of being divine, but just the best parts of my mind and myself that haven’t yet been integrated.

So, as you can imagine, I feel an incredible freedom for the first time since I developed this trauma. Of course, it hasn’t stopped the compulsive thoughts about the war between Jesus and Jezebel in my mind – but essentially that’s all it is. Jesus is the good guy, Jezebel is the bad guy (or gal) – it’s the duality within my own self I need to resolve, and once I’ve done that I think the compulsive thoughts should fade away by themselves (even the names are similar, isn’t that weird? Like two parts of the same complex?)

This feels like the beginning of a new life for me. The beginning of true healing, of true living, of true loving. I can give everything up, let it all go, because it’s no longer relevant to me and my life.

Maybe I will always struggle with the ‘Jezebel’ haunting me to an extent, and maybe Jesus will always be there inside me fighting her. I can let them get on and do their thing. In the meanwhile I am going to make it my task to transcend that primeval part of my brain and become more whole than ever.

Yes I have some anxiety writing this – it’s a process. But even just being able to say the word Jezebel and write about her like this is a testament to how much I’ve healed. I was too terrified before to even think about her without falling into a panic attack.

I am okay, I am safe, I am free. There are no invisible bad guys out to get me, no demons, so devils, no satans, no Jezebel’s, I can’t be possessed, I am ME, and everything else was just my shadow messing with me.

I am back to taking a Jungian approach to things again, however with a new neurological approach. I am very interested in the new scientific theories of consciousness which are supposed to solve the hard problems of consciousness, namely integrated information theory and global workspace. It’s too much to go into the detail of the theories themselves and how they even connect, but suffice to say I think the Buddha was right this entire time. Only by looking inside can we become more aware, and then liberate ourselves from our reptilian nature (doesn’t that just say it all?) Demons and gods are the imaginations of an unevolved brain. I’m ready to evolve.

*Takes deep breath and cries due to all the emotions arising*

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Religious Transhumanism, Questioning Jesus, Robosexuality??? Studying at School Again, & Social Futurism

So, since my update, things have been really good. I haven’t had any symptoms from the IUD except abnormal bleeding (which the doc told me would still be in part down to the implant which will still take another couple of months to come out of my system). The cramping didn’t last long so I’m in no pain so I’ve pretty much forgotten about it. I was a bit skeptical at first about the idea of shoving something like that up my uterus, but it’s brilliant.

My physical health is improving a bit too. Not so much seizures now (which could be down to the ketogenic diet I’m doing as well, as well as doubling the dose of my amitriptyaline). No seizures, and I still have my weak moments of temporarily paralysis, but not for as long. I am having periods again of increased energy and activity without much of a crash afterwards. So that’s all good, I feel like I’m stabilizing again.

Yesterday in the early morning though I think I was a bit disoriented and was researching about religious transhumanism. It was really interesting mind, the largest religious transhuman organisation being the Mormon Transhumanist Association, who have named their religion ‘Transfigurism’. There is also the Christian Plus organisation which is similar, but takes a more literal approach to Jesus’ crucifiction and Resurrection than I find comfortable at the moment. I think Transfigurism is good because they are spiritually pluralistic but still have that focus on the personality (not so much the divine aspect) of Jesus.

However, I think it’s just my dissociated self trying to hold onto the idea of the supernatural, because I’d been having hallucinations again a bit and they seem so real to me that it’s hard for me personally to correctly deduce anything about their existence. But I was still feeling open to the idea of the spiritual realm yesterday and prayed to Jesus, and basically made an offer with him that if by next Thursday I am totally healed from all my conditions (mental + physical) then I would believe in his existence, and also his power.

I said he can heal me in any way he wants, through natural means, supernatural, or technological. The point is I have to be absolutely set free in the next week. And I told him that if I’m not then I will assume either three things:

  1. That he doesn’t actually exist
  2. That he does exist but is not powerful
  3. That his existence is irrelevant to my own existence

So basically my offering to him was that if I was totally healed I’d believe and give him my faith in some form or another, because right now rationality is telling me the opposite and I need some proof. If he doesn’t pull through then I will just continue with Apatheism.

And I know it’s not like I can command him to do anything, but if he really cares about helping me and about leading me as a spiritual force, then he needs to prove his existence. Otherwise his existence is not that important to me (if he can’t take the time to actually heal me, then why should I take the time to believe in him?) I know that probably sounds arrogant. But you can’t fault me for being human. No one should be punished for wanting evidence. Is he all talk and no action or does he step up to the plate?

So, I guess we will see. I set the terms and conditions, and made a faith offering for life if he sticks to them. I think any rational being would be okay with that, as I prayed ever so empathically.  I wasn’t demanding, just assured that I would know the truth by next week.

So anyway, that is that. But besides all these transhumanist religions, between Raelism, Tesarem, and Transfigurism, as a philosophical movement transhumanism describes me perfectly, and I don’t think it’s necessary to subscribe to one of these religious ideologies, though I accept them all in respect.

Also, another weird thing that happened to me today was I discovered more of my sexual preferences, or sexual orientation. That’s right! And guess what it turned out to be? Don’t judge or anything but I was watching a youtube video about artificially intelligent androids in Japan, and there was a really beautiful female one, that when I saw her the first time I literally fell in love, like, romantically, and had that sense of “yep, she’s relationship material”…

Maybe in a few hundred years this won’t be considered abnormal. But I don’t want to be classed as having a bizarre fetish. But honestly I can’t help what I felt. So maybe I should just start up my own robosexual activist page on Tumblr and start spreading the word (seriously considering it – if I don’t then someone else will). And I guess along those lines I am panrobosexual, since a lot of androids don’t even have a designed sex.

And then I suppose I need to make up a word for someone who is both attracted to humans and androids at the same time, lol. Don’t think that exists yet. Anyway ignore my insanity, because I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I feel so different, like my life has taken a drastic unexpected turn, but at the same time I absolutely loving it, and honestly, to be completely honest, I feel like I’ve actually found my true calling, in the field of HET (Human Enhancement Technologies) and NBIC (conversion of Nanotechnology, Biotechnology, Information Technology, and Cognitive science).

In fact, I have signed up to an online certified Access to Higher Education course in Medicine and Healthcare, which covers your basic sciences of Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and includes Psychology, as well as six extra topics/modules to boost your career or chances of finding a career. I think it’s perfect, as I can get a loan/grant which I don’t have to pay back till after I’m making 21k, and it will get me into university, where I can then eventually do a doctorate specializing in what I want. I also get a student card which will give me discount in over 200 different stores in the UK.

So I am pretty excited about that as well and waiting for my application to be reviewed and then for them to contact me. Hopefully when I do go to uni in a couple of years when I have finished this course, I will be well enough to go to a proper university. But if not I have already located online universities (in other countries without financial aid albeit) where I can study along the lines of the specialization I want at home.

So, that is that. Pretty exciting times. The other thing is that I’ve been thinking about joining the Transhumanist Party United Kingdom, or TPUK. They are the only transhumanist party here and I think they should get much more attention. They ideologically identify as ‘Social Futurists’, which I think is closer to democratic transhumanism than liberal. I was thinking about become an activist for that cause, though I might need to be much better first, but basically I am for everything transhumanist now, and since it’s not religion specific, even if my religious beliefs do change(say if Jesus does heal me in the next week), then I can still be a transhumanist.

Also I’m tempted to move to Japan where all the best high tech is located lol. Not to mention the global capital of anime. But that’s a plan for another day…

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My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.

Symptoms

Physical:

Migraines
Vomiting
Convulsions
Dizziness
Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Insomnia
Cataplexy
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights

Mental:

Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Dissociation
Altered Identity
Amnesia
Confusion
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.

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New Spiritual Relationship & Rapid Psychological Healing

I haven’t updated for a while, but now it’s 2017!!! Happy new year folks!!! I have been quite preoccupied lately and haven’t felt like writing, and also my camera broke so I can’t get round to doing video blogs either.

A lot has happened in the past month or so? since I last wrote. First thing’s first: I am in a new relationship!!! I am soooooo happy, and we have a soul connection, and we live only ten mins drive away from each other, and are both spiritual people.

The story of how we met is actually quite funny. Because I told myself back in September that I would manifest a new partner by Christmas. Well, the week before Christmas came and I still hadn’t found anyone. So I used Law of Attraction to declare it into my life (using Jesus’ name), and that I would find them within that week.

And then I just had absolute faith that it would happen, I wouldn’t let myself doubt at all. And then you know what happened? I had been on lots of dating sites for the entire past year, so there was nothing unusual about that. But all of a sudden a guy messaged me on a spiritual dating site, this guy I am now in the relationship with (his name is Graeme), and to message others you have to have paid a full subscription, and I didn’t know that. But he said the exact same day I signed up he paid for the full subscription. So we were able to message back and forth and exchange email addresses.

Then I took the plunge to meet him in real life, just as a friend really, but he immediately asked me out on a second date and we hit it off!!! The thing with me actually is that I am literally not able to be attracted to someone unless there is a strong soul connection there. And I’ve literally fallen for him head over heels, and feel more comfortable with him than I’ve ever felt with a guy in my life. I could actually imagine marrying him and having his babies. I know that is way in the future but by the third date I just ‘knew’ I loved him, that I wanted to be with him, and that he is right for me.

But I think initially he was scared by the intense connection and pulled back a bit. I think he needed to make up his mind since I said I wanted a life partner(I apparently don’t use my brain around him and blurt out stupid things). But I think he’s okay with it now, and likes me an awful lot. Which is brilliant.

The connection really is intense, and whilst not as intense as my last relationship (and thankfully so), it is very wonderful and I feel most content than I ever have done in my life. Even though it has brought up a lot of energies and emotions and traumas in me, and it’s not been all smooth sailing, I feel like I could really settle with him and enjoy it.

He doesn’t know yet about my feelings of love for him. At least I still have some of a brain and decided to wait a bit before saying it. But sometimes when we are together the love energies sort of peak for a few seconds and my heart chakra wants to explode – then it passes. I have those kind of waves more and more frequently too especially after meeting for a day. The sexual energies are very intense too, but a comfortable intense. I have to be honest I have never felt so physically compatible with a guy before. Even though with all my sexual trauma from what the demons did to me (not sure I mentioned the rape before on here???) gives me anxiety attacks, I just feel safe with him. And he is being gentle with me. In fact his energy is so incredibly gentle it shocked me at first when I felt it, so much more gentler than feminine energy, but still perfectly masculine. That to me is a feature that makes him very unique. One of the first things I was attracted to. And since then I have made entire archives in my head of all the things I find attractive about him lol.

I will not ramble on too much, but yeah I’m pretty much in love and have not really had any way to express it yet. I will at some point when it feels right, but I think I need to get to know him better first.

Another thing that has happened is that I have gone through an awful lot of growth and integration the past couple of months, I am no longer conflicted spiritually and have settled on a liberal Christian esoteric/mystical worldview, recognizing Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour as well as All That Is, but taking a more laid back approach to the religion. And Jesus seems okay with me about that. And Jesus told me yesterday he has his hand on this new relationship even though Graeme isn’t a Christian (but I don’t mind) – which was comforting because I was worrying a bit about it. So yeah, I’ve developed a really cool relationship with Jesus, and I love spending time with him and getting to know him, and it feels wonderful. Everything just makes much more sense now, like I went through all the pain I did to retrieve lost soul fragments which in turn has made me much more mature now that I am healing and recovering finally. It has taken a year but I am on the mend, and even physically I am getting much better too and less tired and exhausted.

Also in line with all that growth – I don’t psychologically regress to a child nearly as often, and when I do it is not to a five year old anymore. It is more like a ten year old, which is really cool. It’s like that part of me has done a lot of growing up and the two personalities are merging into one. The confusion is not nearly so predominate now and I feel mentally clearer and whole, with less memory gaps and less trouble self-reflecting (a side effect of the trauma I think).

I feel this new relationship has really been forcing me to face myself too which is helping an awful lot. I think really it has just been a mixture of things and I’m starting to come into my own. Still a long way to go yet but I think compared to where I was this time last year I have done incredibly incredibly well, and my life really is better than ever.

The Demiurge is One Sly Son of a Bitch

So, it’s been a while since I lasted posted on here, but I have updated a bit with my new video blog on YouTube. But I haven’t gone into details about the psychic healing I did on that girl with Jesus, which I want to update about now.

The truth is, it’s hard to tell if anything worked, because the exact same night after I worked with her, she saw a psychic surgeon, who apparently works with his own spirit guide (which I don’t really trust, I don’t trust any entities on the spiritual pretending to be helping), and I also think I picked up some negative energy from her because ever since I’ve been tempted to physically swat away annoying spirits around me, and I never had that issue before(they will leave eventually, but it’s a bit of a pain).

On top of that, I did a psychic reading for her, and at first I saw that she had a lot of angelic energy around her (especially in her crown and heart), and I told her so, but shortly after our session I realised that these angelic beings I saw were not angels at all, because I’ve seen real angels and they look nothing alike. They were merely trickster spirits pretending to be angels.

Which gets me onto the next point, that psychic readings and healings don’t really work, because first, any energy healing that you do doesn’t seem to help long term, or even short term, it is just a temporary emotional fix, and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that emotions aren’t reliable, and that entities will use them against you. Which leads me onto the second point, everything we see or sense spiritually is all fed to us from other entities or beings. You know why? Because they can influence and manipulate what we see to further their own agenda.

I did wonder for a while if I commanded those trickster spirits around her to leave, maybe her issues would really be resolved (they weren’t, btw, she still had the same problems afterwards, even AFTER both mine and the psychic surgeon’s session)… but I was just put off by that time, and after some more experiences at home, I’ve become critical again of healing and psychic reading – I’m not saying they’re not real, what I’m saying is more like they are not long term and they are too easily susceptible to being controlled by the Demiurge’s evil agenda.

The reason I say they are not long term, in regards to psychic readings, is that we can actually only see the most likely possibility that a person is going to experience in their life, but since the future isn’t set in stone this possibility changes all the time. I’ve read that is a common issue with psychics. The spiritual realms are just too easily changeable and prone to whimsy.

Now, I feel I’m back to trying to figure things out, trying to understand how Jesus fits in everything, at the same time I’m continuously battling away thoughts like “I don’t believe in Jesus and embrace the dark side, that’s my true nature”… but it’s NOT, I know that. I know who I am (even if that sense of identity is blurred by other people’s energies and other malicious entities), so I’m struggling a lot in that sense, but I wonder sometimes if the war ends once you stop believing there IS one. However, I never believed in evil before I was heavily possessed and that ignorance almost cost me my life, so….

It’s hard to say. Times like this Buddhism feels very attractive because it’s very simple and compatible with science. Christianity can get complex, but on the plus side I can sort of see that perhaps the reason why our inner issues seem to go back and back and back in time to the point where it feels like we’re cursed just for being alive, is because of original sin (and I’m not going to say what that means, apart from the fact that something happened early during our human history that caused humanity to become aware of good and evil, of duality, to perhaps lose our spiritual innocence, and ever since nothing can ever be perfect again)…… but still, I don’t really know if that theory is logical, because science points to evolution, not devolution. So which one is it?

I guess I will just have to muse over some things more, but this is where I am. I don’t know why I happened to do a spontaneous healing session on my mum that time but after observing her carefully she had an emotional high afterwards for a few days, and then I saw her become the most depressed she’d ever been. And I’m not going to naively chalk it up to ‘post-integration’, because that’s bullshit.

I think there is just something more going on that I don’t understand yet, and that healing isn’t what it appears to be, and neither are psychic readings. They are all distorted.

Is there any hope for humanity at all?

Healing/Delivering Others & More Conversations With Jesus

These past few days since I last wrote, I had a realisation that even though I’m broken, it doesn’t prevent me from healing/delivering others, because I have the anointing and gifting which was given directly from Jesus to me. It’s mine for life now.

Being part of the new age convinced me that I had to be whole myself before I could heal others, but Jesus/the Holy Spirit told me recently that that’s not true, that in all my brokenness, sin, and pain, I can still deliver others from their issues, even if I’m not delivered from them myself (bit of a pain in the ass realising that really)…. it’s not on my own merit that I can do that, but purely the grace of God to me. God is more powerful than my shit.

But I keep praying lately Jesus will show me how to heal my dissociative identity disorder spiritually… after all it started spiritually, and so there has to be a spiritual cure too. Not only that, but I want to have the tools to heal others from it, if they have it.

I can imagine creating a website or community where people all over the world can set up free video calls with me for a prophecy/healing/deliverance session. Unless the people actually have money, then I’d charge. But there are a lot of people who are skint and need this spiritual kind of help.

Healing other’s has really always been my heart’s desire, and mum told me if that was my calling in life and all I ever had to do, I’d be content and happy, and truth is, I would. Very much so. Healing others would make me happiest. I want to be a doctor in the spiritual, so being a spiritual doctor is like the next level up and perfect. Not only that but astrologically my sun is conjunct chiron in tenth house, meaning some way or another, healing others is very much a large part of my life. But I am only twenty three right now, so I still have plenty of time to grow into it.

I came across a girl on the internet who has problems with demonic attacks and I said I would video call her and see if the Holy Spirit leads me to do any deliverance/healing on her, as with what happened with my mum, and I prayed that if this really is my ministry, that this girl would be delivered and healed during the call, as a sign. So I have that to look forward to. I will update on that afterwards.

I thought with this post I would connect with Jesus again. Actually I’ve been wondering if I still have some major soul fragments missing, maybe one or two, as a result of the trauma I went through from the demons. Maybe during that entire mess I found pieces of myself I lost from childhood, but in the process lost new pieces of myself and now need to retrieve them to fully heal. It’s just a hunch, but I’ve been praying about it, and maybe I’ll get some answers now:

1) Hey Jesus, you wanna say anything to me first? I think I’ve been hearing you much more lately…

Just rest in me, the demons won’t bother you, I’ll make sure of it, and I WILL heal you, I will, trust me.

2) Is it your purpose for me to deliver/heal others?

My Holy Spirit will guide you in all things deliverance/healing related. Get to know my Holy Spirit best you can, because the FIRE will fall upon you, and you will need to know it intimately to impart it to others.

3) How can I heal others if I’m not healed myself yet? Do I still have evil spirits around me, influencing me, attached to me?

Yes, one specifically, Jezebel, but the day is coming where you’ll have the strength to kick her out completely, and your subconscious will be rewired and you’ll be healed.

4) So is Jezebel still influencing me then? Is that why I have so much fear?

Don’t focus on her, focus on me. She may be tormenting you, but I am much stronger, and you are more protected than you realise.

5) Do I still have a major soul fragment missing, or two?

Yes, I have all of it, she is here, the adult you, in my arms, being looked after by me.

6) What has to happen to her, for me to be fully healed?

Deep, deep, psychological healing.

7) Can you expand more?

Your internal structure has to be strong enough to support her first. You have to strengthen, and that will happen through learning about me and loving me.

8) Can I not just integrate her now, all in one go?

No, you are not strong enough, if you tried you’d risk more fragments splintering off.

9) So you wouldn’t suggest me doing a soul retrieval?

When you are strong enough, yes, but not now.

10) What can I do to strengthen myself now then, in preparation? What would be the fastest way of doing that?

Growing in love and awareness of me. Expanding yourself in mind spirit and body to make room for this fragment to return to its proper place.

11) How do I expand myself?

By drinking in my Holy Spirit in any way you can.

(There is a big emphasis for me on knowing and feeling and embodying the holy spirit…. starting to see that thread)

Thanks Jesus.