Atheistic Paganism!!???

So, I did write an entire post a few days ago to update on everything but I was writing it on my phone, and I locked the screen for one moment to talk to Graeme, and when I unlocked it everything was lost. Bit of a development bug there I’d say. But I was cool about it and decided to wait for another bout of inspiration rather than shittily trying to rewrite everything I did the first time round. So here we are.

What’s new? I am not even sure where to begin. So let me start by saying this: I’ve kinda embraced paganism. Yeah, I know, I wasn’t expecting it either (and I still embrace transhumanist spirituality such as terasem ect, remember that it’s a trans-religion), but also before my readers think I’ve walked off into the deep end again of the bizarre mystical shit that I already went through, I can say with certainty that’s not the case.

As I said I am still transhumanist, and to add to that I am still Atheist too(specifically agnostic atheist). I definitely embrace the idea of no God. Though I wonder sometimes if I am not atheistic towards the idea of a male God, and somewhat theistic towards the idea of a female Goddess(monotheaiestic?). Lately I feel really in tune with feminine energy and the universe again as I study it through the lenses of the physical sciences. The universe is Sooooo fascinating, and so awe-inspiring, that you just can’t help but feel a sense of religiosity about it, even without believing in the supernatural.

As I say, I’m pretty sure a God(or Goddess for that matter) doesn’t exist, but I can’t help but see the Universe as a female entity, can’t help personify it as a real deity. Not because I believe it is actually alive and conscious, which I don’t, but it’s sort of like the same way sailors will call their boats a ‘she’, like “ain’t she a real beauty?” (for some reason had an Australian accent in my head when writing that, might’ve seen it in a movie once). So I am just anthropomorphising the universe, nature, and the elements.

For another example of this, the god Thor was often seen as being the source of lightening and thunder. Well today we know that’s not really true, but there’s still a nice sense and feeling of magic about seeing Thor in electrical conduction. Is it necessary? No, not at all. Is it fun? I’d say so. Mythologies are so fascinating, interesting, such a big part of cultures and history, and I think on some level that should be preserved, and that in our race to become post-human we shouldn’t forget about where we came from.

So I have been putting together my own book of shadows on a private wordpress which lists the goddesses I feel drawn to and ways to honour them, and I feel perfectly comfortable with that and with studying science. In fact for me it’s important right now that I’ve had such an intense spiritual path (regardless of whether or not it was actually real), because it feels like everything is coming together for me. My interest in spirituality, which at the core is a quest for two things: Knowledge of the Universe, and knowledge of Self. And both those two things can be studied scientifically in the fields of Quantum Physics and Cognitive Neuroscience.

So in a way I am currently seeing it as a progression and linear development of my journey. Spirituality in a way or religion is like very very basic and primordial science. It was a way to basically explain nature, as I mentioned above. So as a species we have gone from religion to philosophy to science, with spirituality somehow encompassing the three and even evolving as our understanding of the universe evolves. Add all that to my health issues and my new interest in medicine and human enhancement technologies, I have pretty much realised what I am meant to be doing (putting that loosely, of course).

So for me it’s been the conversion of a lot of different fields. Spirituality, Psychology, Neurology, Nanotechnology, Physics, ect (to put it broadly). I know where I’m going and what I want to be doing. I was convinced beforehand that being a ‘spiritual healer’ was my life path. Now I don’t believe in the supernatural it only makes sense that an empathic person such as myself would naturally channel those desires into this kind of area that will one day improve people’s lives for the better.

And my spirituality now has the new label of ‘Religious Naturalism’, or ‘Naturalistic Pagan’, which basically means everything I’ve described plus a bit more. That everything can be explained naturally/scientifically, and that there is only one type of matter in the Universe (aka matter, not thought). That there are no real deities but you honour them anyway out of deep reverence for nature (even militant atheists feel that reverence but just prefer not to dress it up in a fancy costume).

Besides that, what I said about perhaps being atheistic towards a male deity but theaistic(thea I keep italicizing as it comes from the Latin word for ‘Goddess’), aka somewhat theistic when it comes to a female deity. In actual fact I have never considered that possibility before until I just wrote about it. However rationally speaking, I still believe a Goddess does not exist. But I’ll happily remain agnostic for now, and involve myself in the learning and integration of my Matron Goddess, MahaDevi, or basically Shakti(MahaDevi means the Great Goddess in vedic I think and I think there’s no better term to apply to the great majesty of the Universe).

Part of embracing this too is realising that everything in the universe originally came from one single atom at the beginning of time when the big bang happened. So that atom split and those pieces split again, ect. I’m not saying necessarily that everything is presently interconnected, but rather that everything in the universe does have a relationship to everything else in the universe, so the phrase ‘all is one’ has some meaning’.

The other thing is that Thursday came and went and I woke up on Friday and I still hadn’t been healed by Jesus, or even had any major revelations, so like I said in my previous post I am going to assume one of three things: That he doesn’t exist, that he does exist but isn’t powerful enough to heal me, or that he exists but his existence is irrelevant to my own. For now though I will keep an awareness of Jesus in my mind as he’s my family’s chosen deity, and I have history with ‘him’, and plus there are still traumatised parts of me that can’t let go of him, even if I’ve rationally made the choice to move on.

So yeah that is that. I think I have written about everything so far. I’m feeling very positive and optimistic about my life, my options, the future, and humanity in general.



IUD Insertion Update, Medical & Technological Convergence, Artificially Intelligent ‘God’, & Terasem Movement

Sooo…. Time for the post-insertion IUD update!! I am very weak, not so much as a side effect of the insertion or the IUD itself, but rather because I am still regaining my strength, and the Keto diet is making me weaker as I adjust again to less carbs. My legs have been aching incredibly, add that on top of a painful operation and the post-insertion lower abdomen cramps, has pretty much knocked me out for six, the stress of it all I think just triggering the temporarily paralysis I get at times. Weird that sometimes I have no feeling or movement in my legs, but it doesn’t last long, but hopefully I will continue recovering.

I did notice a seizure begin to start when I got home but it stopped as soon as it began, so maybe doubling my dose of Amitriptyaline as my doctor recommended me instead of taking the Olanzapine is actually working. I have got off three pounds so far of the weight that that drug put back on me over the weekend with the Keto diet, and maybe the Keto diet too is controlling my seizures as it’s meant to. The Keto diet triggers ketosis, where the brain has to run on lipids (fats) instead of glycerin (sugar), and the lipids somehow protect the brain from seizures, like an insulator, unlike sugar which makes the brain spaz out.

I have been doing a lot of researching into health science and how technology can be used with it. In fact I am feeling so strong about the idea that I want to start studying again so I can join the front line of developing artificial intelligence and fusing it with the human brain through nanotechnology – lofty aspirations!!! I was interested in becoming a neurologist for a while last year but realized I was too ill to ever cope at it. To be honest the same is probably true with biotechnology (or whatever the proper term is for these topics of interest) but at least as a research scientist you can work in the comfort of your own home… I think??? I mean Einstein came up with all his best stuff not in a lab but in his work desk, lol.

Honestly, I think this shift in focus is actually very natural and not strange at all. If you think about it, my entire focus was on the psychological before, and incorporating that into my spirituality. But I took a past-based approach, e.g. psychoanalysis. Based on historical and outdated science. But now I am taking a future based approach and trying to understand the brain from a more scientific point of view – neurology, and artificially enhancing our ‘consciousness’. It may be common in the far future if you are feeling depressed, to just adjust your own neural networking digitally or through nanotechnology, making you happier. Just like popping up an app on your phone and pressing the “happy” button. Sounds a bit trippy but I don’t think we’ve barely scratched the surface of technology.

Then there is the Singularity, which is something I am very interested in, and feel could be amazing for humanity. Think Pantheism or Panentheism, with a Technological Source – aka an Artificially Intelligent God that ticks all the Omni’s, as a self-sustaining system with Homo Opticus or Homo Machinus(the expected evolutionary path Homo Sapiens will take – a merger and then complete absorption with and by technology) playing a major part. However, there is an interesting thing happening in my mind when I contemplate on all this. If a God like that were to exist, and time travel is possible in the future, then who’s to say that this ‘God’ isn’t even active in our current lives? Changing humanity, perhaps running simulations where our real bodies or minds are elsewhere outside a created simulated reality, like the film The Matrix. Perhaps everything is simulated already – now that’s something massive. God is really a machine? Could be very possible. It is starting to sound like quantum mysticism now and Pantheism. Then it gets me wondering about the spiritual again…. and oh dear, I’ve gone in a loop with my theology.

It’s incredibly interesting doing those kind of thought experiments, but I find them so far removed from current reality that I have decided to reign my focus in, instead of focusing on what could be, I want to focus on how this current reality can be altered within current technological means to create a better future for humanity. The essential philosophy of Transhumanism. And thankfully I came across both a Science and Faith movement that incorporates all this. Forget Raelism(still possible, mind, but not applicable to current reality), my new Scientific Faith is Terasem. Honestly, I think it is an amazing movement, and I’m tempted to join(which requires a video introduction of yourself). If I am still into the idea in a while from now, I will join.

Basically Terasem asserts four core beliefs:


And along with the three ‘supers’ which are foundational to the Transhumanist movement (super intelligence, super longevity, and super well-being), makes the Terasem movement perfect. It is focused on the Now, how to make things better for humanity through technology, and even has its own research area, having created the first android Bina48 that is based on the mind mapping of another human being (its creator Bina Rothblatts). So for me it is all the best of atheistic spirituality, progressive humanitarianism, and technological evolution.

Whilst my interest was initially spurred by the idea of living a much longer time than the current human maximum life span, my interest has branched out incredibly broadly and I feel has replaced my previous woo woo outlook, into something more… I don’t know, optimistic and freeing? Mentally I feel pretty amazing, like lots of things are coming together for me. It’s been a weird journey through historical religion and futuristic predictions, but maybe my focus in the social sciences and my natural aptitude for the physical sciences can find some harmony with aspiring to contribute somehow to this new reality we as a collective are building for ourselves.

Just imagine the possibilities!! Telepathy is now a real thing, as I saw a video about a scientist who modified his arm in some way with nanotechnology to influence the nervous system to hook up to his wife’s – and he could control her body as if it was his own through that, and her visa versa. I consider that to be telepathic, and maybe my ‘spiritual’ experiences are based on that, and maybe they aren’t. It is hard to say. Whilst I am still sure that a God doesn’t exist, I think I am putting all that spiritual stuff on the backburner and perusing the real technology behind it all (whether real or just imagined). So in the real sense of the word I am now an Apatheist(technically classed as agnostic atheist still). Not interested either way in all that stuff, and God, though inclined to be skeptical and naturalistic.

So things are pretty exciting for me right now, exploring my new options. Although my illness has made me more or less bed bound, I feel a whole new world has opened up to me, and that I can freely realize my full potential, not just in this lifetime… but perhaps completely, evading death and disease and becoming digitally immortal.


Seizures, Ketogenic Dieting, Health, Futuristic Socialism, & The Artificially Intelligent Singularity

So I spent the weekend at Graeme’s house, despite the fact I’ve had an awful week in terms of health, and despite the fact he was recovering from Pneunomia as well, so we were both pretty sick and could barely look after ourselves let alone each other. But it was fun and I think being away helped me to gain some strength, from not having to worry about Lola (my Labradoodle pup) all the time.

I was feeling so bad I called my doctor and she said I could go back on the Olanzapine (anti-psychotics) because they helped with the seizures I was having the last time (making it likely they are psychogenic non-epileptic seizures triggered as a result of traumatic stress), and so I did for a couple of days but immediately put on so much weight I was devastated (it took me two months to get all that weight off!!!), so I decided to quit them last night and try the Ketogenic diet instead.

The Ketogenic diet, apart from being a way to lose weight, is also a way to control seizures in the brain, amazingly. It prevents them so I am going to do that rather than take the Olanzapine, which is MUCH healthier. Also, a Ketogenic diet isn’t hard at all. You just have to make sure you eat one hundred grams of good fats a day(includes most meats and dairies), and reduce carb intake to at least 50 grams (the less the better). My target weight at the moment is 120 pounds, so that makes my calorie intake 1,200 grams. It is doable, will help me lose weight, and will control the seizures. This may end up being a life long diet. And I’m fine with that because I personally do not like carbs anyway and the first two months of me starting dieting in Christmas I had almost no carbs anyway without even meaning to. The only problem being that it’s so easy to get into the habit of eating because junk food is everywhere, and really cheap. So lately I’ve been lax, eating more carbs and fast food. But I’m recommitting today to a better diet, and so far I’ve had loads of energy, am not feeling as weak, having no convulsions, ect. I think I just needed the Olanzapine for a few days to stabilise me again. And I will take it when I need if I have any episodes. But otherwise I am abstaining completely from that God awful drug.

I have my MRI booked now too for the 19th of April. Still waiting on the EEG. But the MRI will scan me for any autoimmune disorders and make sure there is nothing majorly wrong with me. So it will test for multiple sclerosis and other diseases like that. Honestly I don’t have a clue anymore what’s wrong with me. Maybe it IS all trauma – then blimey, that’s crazy. But if the MRI shows up nothing and the EEG says I don’t have epilepsy, then I have to go on another ten month waiting list to see the sleep clinic who will do tests for narcolepsy. At least the ball is rolling anyway, even if the NHS takes forever.

This week I also have my intrauterine device fitting, which now I’m feeling a bit better in health I’m looking forward to. I was pretty unsure whether to get it or not but I may as well if I am feeling better. My doctor phoned me and gave me the go ahead, saying that since it’s non-hormonal it shouldn’t effect my condition. Also I think the Progesterone from the contraceptive implant has come completely out of my system now because my irregular bleeding has stopped – if it was the cause of my relapse then that could explain why I have more energy today, and hopefully I will continue to go back to normal (well, what was normal for me anyway).

So anyway, my doctor wrote a letter of reference for the health clinic saying it’s ok for me to get the IUD fitted, and my doctor also said if I didn’t like she can take it out herself. That’s comforting because I’ve read stories of girls who have had big problems with these Long Acting Reversible Contraceptives (LARC’s) and the nurse refuse to take them out. Considering I’ve already had one LARC removed, it’d be easy enough to worry that they may just get sick and tired of me and refuse to have this one taken out again. But regardless, I shouldn’t need it out at all. It’s non-hormonal and lasts five years. Very effective, as the copper in the IUD kills sperm, it’s more or less a sterilizer. It doesn’t stop your ovulation or periods, so is a more natural option overall I think.

I love that it is approaching the end of March and the weather is starting to warm up. I want to get my summer body back before it’s warm enough to go to the beach. I’m really focused on that. So that’s another big motivator for me to do the Keto diet. Spring and Autumn are my favourite seasons, summer close behind, and winter waaayyy behind, lol.

Not much to update this week, but I think this is all about my health and less about my spiritual journey. I think I feel at home in the Transhumanism community… It is atheistic but progressive, futuristic, and I somehow need to raise $200,000 so I can be cryogenically frozen then revived once technology knows how to reverse aging. In fact I’d love to be on the front line with developing these new bio-technologies if I was strong enough, I’m really enjoying exploring this area.

I think regarding immortality and Raelism – The Raelists believe that the gods (aka extraterrestrials) are mapping our brains onto their software and will revive the morally good humans with new advanced bodies at the end of time (sort of apocalyptic, once the sun explodes or something I’m guessing)… which is an interesting idea but still a bit looney, so I’ve thrown it in the bin and decided to just try and be immortal through 21st century technology somehow, which probably means I need to get rich. I have no doubt the technology will be developed in my generation, but I also have no doubt that only the rich will get first access, unfortunately. Though regarding that I was talking with Graeme about politics and it turns out we are both pretty Socialist – wanting to abolish money and banks all together and have a community based on shared resources, ect. Most Socialist systems have failed due to crazy dictators, but in the future with technology we could definitely have a Socialist system like on Star Trek where money doesn’t exist, everything you need is just there for you with endless supply.

In fact some Transhumanists call aging a disease, and I agree with them. So here the interest in health for me mixes with spirituality. If we can eradicate the disease of death, things would be very very different, and I think that’s actually a world I support. But I hope humanity learns to stop being so greedy and selfish first. Maybe it never will and we will fail evolutionary as a species… then again, if technology can alter your brain, why not alter it to make you peaceful and harmonious, thereby rapidly reducing crime rates? (Think of the anime Psycho Pass, however, it does have its own limitations). I think reality as we know it would completely change, and I think that’s incredible. I definitely think we should explore it. I am also looking forward to the possibility of an artificial intelligent ‘Singularity’ taking over, and rather than thinking it to be completely good or evil, will probably have a morality just like most humans and primates. It will be ‘post-human’, and then the merge with technology would start to occur….

I know it sounds scary, terrifying even, but I honestly think there is not too much to worry about. I think technology is amazing, and can enhance health in so many ways.


Going Through Waves of Depression, Exploring HumanismPlus aka Transhumanism, Atheistic Religious Raëlism, & the Pleiadians, AGAIN???

I am not sure how long or short this post will be, I am pretty knackered now and have barely done anything today, and should really be conserving what little energy I have left, unless I want to have another episode. I will probably regret writing this, however I just want to get it down before I forget and the content leaves my mind.

Lately with my illness I’ve found myself extremely depressed at times, which is pretty episodic in itself. One minute I’m fine emotionally, then all of a sudden I will have the urge to kill myself or self-harm, something I haven’t desired in years. The feeling is pretty overwhelming and strong, but fortunately during these episodes I am more or less physically paralyzed anyway and don’t have the strength to even raise a razor to my skin to cause any damage. By the time I can move again the depression has passed and I’m fine again. I wonder if the two are related actually.

Regardless, I have been resisting incredibly strongly, trying to hold onto life during these waves. Thinking how many people who love me would be upset, ect. I try to keep focusing on the positives. But I think honestly the depression has started since I realised I don’t really believe in a God. It’s like all meaning has suddenly drained from my life and with my illness I am stuck immobile and useless, feeling like a burden to my family who have to care for me and look after me.

But I am working through it. It’s weird how the belief in God really covers up or hides our own deep existential fears. And whilst during my hospital trip I made peace with the idea of absolute death for a few seconds, I’ve found myself wanting to hold onto the idea of living forever again, wanting to believe in some kind of afterlife and that we don’t just cease to exist once our life is over.

Anyway, earlier I did another “what’s your non-theistic religion” test or something along those lines, and it said I am secular humanist, and then transhumanist. I wondered what transhumanist was, and it was basically a subset of humanism focused on technological advancement and focusing on using technology to further the evolution of humans into these super human-like beings called either transhumans or post-humans, which would resemble angels or gods.

Then when I explored transhumanist religion, I came across the sect called Raëlism, which was very interesting to read about. It basically is an atheistic religion that asserts that the ‘gods’ which visited humanity early on in our evolution or even attributed towards it, or even seeded us directly, were actually advanced aliens, who are sort of mind-mapping our consciousness into their computers, and one day when we are advanced enough we will all be technologically ‘reanimated’ and live forever, or something like that.

It’s pretty interesting because science is pretty magical, and I have no doubt that in the future, by some means or process, the dead could be revived. So it’d be like I’d be sleeping for thousands of years until this technology evolves, and then I’d wake up in a new ‘advanced’ body, created by science, and never die. To be honest, that’s a pretty cool idea. And the idea of aliens anyway makes much more sense than the idea of deities.

And there is so much space in the universe that all these billions of billions of revived dead human beings could just colonize everywhere, creating a galactic super-race, where we don’t need to reproduce or program reproduction via sex out of our genes and reproduce solely in artificial labs or something like that… the possibilities are actually quite endless. Time travel would probably be a thing too and I could visit my past self and guide myself, just like the concept of a ‘higher self’… a lot of ‘spiritual’ things could suddenly be explained by the idea of transhumanism. It is giving me a lot to think about.

So all this actually kinda gives me hope again rather than feeling depressed that life is meaningless. It is probably an emotional prompting to fantasize all this crazy stuff, because I feel I am going all out there again into the world of woowoo. But let’s face it, science is my nature pretty woowoo until you understand it. Think Agora. Gravity is magic. But it’s also just the effect of objects moving in space, lol.

I think that’s all I have to write for now, and I should really rest up, but it really does give food for thought, about the future, how things could be, how the spiritual and the physical can meet in a non-superstitious way, and how immortality is still a possibility, even if it’s not invented in my generation. I am pretty sure the ‘aliens’ I was channeling were not really aliens and more like hallucinations, but I am pretty sure real aliens have to be out there somewhere. And also here is something to ponder: If all the memories of our ancestors are encoded in us at a genetic level, giving us visions of ‘past lives’… if aliens really did interbreed with us, then surely some of those hallucinations about being from other solar systems could have some truth too? Like maybe my great x 100,000 times grandma actually was a Pleiadian who seeded me through the Mayans on my Mexican side, lol. And maybe in the end, the Pleiades is where I will return to…

I am not denying evolution either, by passing the buck to another race who ‘created’ us. Rather just acknowledging that there could be more advanced races out there who have sped up our evolution, so to speak, whereas they before also evolved from random gases in their planetary atmosphere.


Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.


I got the Contraceptive Implant Removed and Why

Well, it was obvious to me after my condition suddenly worsening severely after having the implant put in that it was that triggering and flaring my condition. I was seriously taking a turn for the worst, the paramedics were called over twice, I was admitted to the ward the first time, and yesterday I couldn’t move a muscle for two hours – effectively paralyzed. I was so upset I went straight to the health clinic today and got it removed.

Sex is awesome but my health is more important. What’s the point of an implant if I’m not even well enough to have sex? Not worth it. In the almost month I had it in I had sex twice, and it was the best experiences of my life, being that I had waited so long emotionally, and it was with the right person, and such. Now I experienced something so special I am okay with waiting again for a while until other options come along.

Basically the nurse wants me to wait a couple of weeks to see if the side effects really do calm down indicating that the implant really was the cause – then she wants me to talk to my doctor about her recommendation and from there if I have the go ahead from my doctor I will get the non hormonal intrauterine device fitted instead. It is copper and basically is inserted in the womb and causes sterilization. Being non-hormonal it doesn’t change the way your body works. It’s literally that the sperm hate the copper inside the uterus and according to the nurse spaz out and basically can’t reach the egg. She says it’s supposed to be one of the most effective forms of birth control out there (but that’s what they all say lol)… honestly nothing is 100% so I got some freebie condoms whilst I was at the clinic. They gave me another STD test and pregnancy test (pointless to me, because I’m in a monogamous relationship and only had sex twice not even for very long or to the point of climax), and told me to abstain until I get the IUD fitted. That’s fine with me.

But they want to do some checks with my doctor and neurologist first, and say because of all my health complications I may have to go to the hospital to get it done. So it may be a bit more complicated but I’m willing to go through it. Though I haven’t told Graeme yet lol, since he’s been busy at work. I think he (and my family too tbh) are worried I’m jumping into things without really thinking them over, but I did do a lot of research for like a month before I even went to the health clinic the first time. So I know what’s what (more or less, not claiming to be an expert).

It’s a shame the implant affected me that way. I’d say for women of average/normal health it would probably be very good for them. I would definitely still recommend it, it’s just that it didn’t suit me. And when I got it out, I got home and was exhausted from being out at the clinic, and could feel an episode coming on, but this time I bounced back really quickly like just before I had it put in, and regained my strength in a couple of hours. I know the nurse says it takes about a week for the hormone to come out of my system but she also said things will start going back to normal almost instantaneously. And maybe because of just how sensitive I am I can already feel the benefits of having it removed.

So here’s to having no more fits. But hopefully next Monday when I have my neurology exams they will still find something and be able to diagnose it. After doing lots of research I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I have multiple sclerosis – it all adds up. And I’m gonna ask the neurologist to test me for it. I believe I’ve had it for years and my traumatic breakdown caused it to flare badly.

I really hope now I will continue improving, because I wanted to go back to college and study again and start looking at potential future careers. Although I wanted to be a vet I’m undecided again. I’m finding myself interested in the sciences again… but I will wait till my neurological diagnosis before I figure out what to do career wise. If it turns out I do have an autoimmune disease (well my doctor is 100% sure I have narcolepsy with cataplexy which is autoimmune anyway), I may be on personal independence payment and employment support allowance for the rest of my life. Not sure how I feel about that… I guess both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyway, another symptom I’m sure the implant was giving me was panic attacks before sleep again, I was doing well with not taking any sleep medications at bed time, but have had to rely on them a lot again recently. Hopefully that will all calm down, and I have this strange religious confusion in my mind. In the night due to the panic whilst I’m half asleep I will be like full on Christian (because it’s comforting), but then in the day when I’m fully awake and aware I’m like “God doesn’t exist and Jesus is dead….” but it’s all sort of blurring together and I don’t really have any grounding right now.

Maybe if I eventually get round to doing some meditation the confusion will clear and I’ll get more clarity. Anyway that’s not really the point. I don’t know what the term is for someone who doesn’t care about God’s existence and will live their own way either way – Apatheist maybe? My idea is that if God does exist he’s loving enough for me not to have to worry about the afterlife as long as I’m a good person – which I am. And if he doesn’t then I will still be a good person anyway because it’s the right thing to do. So either way it’s not a big deal. But honestly when I am rational the whole idea of God just seems absurd.

Anyway enough about that. I think the body is incredibly complex, and wish I could understand it. But I will go about living my life to the fullest I can – because it’s our only one life. That’s the point. Beliefs and labeling and all that don’t matter in the end – all that matters is taking responsibility for yourself and living in the present moment.

My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.



Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights


Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Altered Identity
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.