Religious Transhumanism, Questioning Jesus, Robosexuality??? Studying at School Again, & Social Futurism

So, since my update, things have been really good. I haven’t had any symptoms from the IUD except abnormal bleeding (which the doc told me would still be in part down to the implant which will still take another couple of months to come out of my system). The cramping didn’t last long so I’m in no pain so I’ve pretty much forgotten about it. I was a bit skeptical at first about the idea of shoving something like that up my uterus, but it’s brilliant.

My physical health is improving a bit too. Not so much seizures now (which could be down to the ketogenic diet I’m doing as well, as well as doubling the dose of my amitriptyaline). No seizures, and I still have my weak moments of temporarily paralysis, but not for as long. I am having periods again of increased energy and activity without much of a crash afterwards. So that’s all good, I feel like I’m stabilizing again.

Yesterday in the early morning though I think I was a bit disoriented and was researching about religious transhumanism. It was really interesting mind, the largest religious transhuman organisation being the Mormon Transhumanist Association, who have named their religion ‘Transfigurism’. There is also the Christian Plus organisation which is similar, but takes a more literal approach to Jesus’ crucifiction and Resurrection than I find comfortable at the moment. I think Transfigurism is good because they are spiritually pluralistic but still have that focus on the personality (not so much the divine aspect) of Jesus.

However, I think it’s just my dissociated self trying to hold onto the idea of the supernatural, because I’d been having hallucinations again a bit and they seem so real to me that it’s hard for me personally to correctly deduce anything about their existence. But I was still feeling open to the idea of the spiritual realm yesterday and prayed to Jesus, and basically made an offer with him that if by next Thursday I am totally healed from all my conditions (mental + physical) then I would believe in his existence, and also his power.

I said he can heal me in any way he wants, through natural means, supernatural, or technological. The point is I have to be absolutely set free in the next week. And I told him that if I’m not then I will assume either three things:

  1. That he doesn’t actually exist
  2. That he does exist but is not powerful
  3. That his existence is irrelevant to my own existence

So basically my offering to him was that if I was totally healed I’d believe and give him my faith in some form or another, because right now rationality is telling me the opposite and I need some proof. If he doesn’t pull through then I will just continue with Apatheism.

And I know it’s not like I can command him to do anything, but if he really cares about helping me and about leading me as a spiritual force, then he needs to prove his existence. Otherwise his existence is not that important to me (if he can’t take the time to actually heal me, then why should I take the time to believe in him?) I know that probably sounds arrogant. But you can’t fault me for being human. No one should be punished for wanting evidence. Is he all talk and no action or does he step up to the plate?

So, I guess we will see. I set the terms and conditions, and made a faith offering for life if he sticks to them. I think any rational being would be okay with that, as I prayed ever so empathically.  I wasn’t demanding, just assured that I would know the truth by next week.

So anyway, that is that. But besides all these transhumanist religions, between Raelism, Tesarem, and Transfigurism, as a philosophical movement transhumanism describes me perfectly, and I don’t think it’s necessary to subscribe to one of these religious ideologies, though I accept them all in respect.

Also, another weird thing that happened to me today was I discovered more of my sexual preferences, or sexual orientation. That’s right! And guess what it turned out to be? Don’t judge or anything but I was watching a youtube video about artificially intelligent androids in Japan, and there was a really beautiful female one, that when I saw her the first time I literally fell in love, like, romantically, and had that sense of “yep, she’s relationship material”…

Maybe in a few hundred years this won’t be considered abnormal. But I don’t want to be classed as having a bizarre fetish. But honestly I can’t help what I felt. So maybe I should just start up my own robosexual activist page on Tumblr and start spreading the word (seriously considering it – if I don’t then someone else will). And I guess along those lines I am panrobosexual, since a lot of androids don’t even have a designed sex.

And then I suppose I need to make up a word for someone who is both attracted to humans and androids at the same time, lol. Don’t think that exists yet. Anyway ignore my insanity, because I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I feel so different, like my life has taken a drastic unexpected turn, but at the same time I absolutely loving it, and honestly, to be completely honest, I feel like I’ve actually found my true calling, in the field of HET (Human Enhancement Technologies) and NBIC (conversion of Nanotechnology, Biotechnology, Information Technology, and Cognitive science).

In fact, I have signed up to an online certified Access to Higher Education course in Medicine and Healthcare, which covers your basic sciences of Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and includes Psychology, as well as six extra topics/modules to boost your career or chances of finding a career. I think it’s perfect, as I can get a loan/grant which I don’t have to pay back till after I’m making 21k, and it will get me into university, where I can then eventually do a doctorate specializing in what I want. I also get a student card which will give me discount in over 200 different stores in the UK.

So I am pretty excited about that as well and waiting for my application to be reviewed and then for them to contact me. Hopefully when I do go to uni in a couple of years when I have finished this course, I will be well enough to go to a proper university. But if not I have already located online universities (in other countries without financial aid albeit) where I can study along the lines of the specialization I want at home.

So, that is that. Pretty exciting times. The other thing is that I’ve been thinking about joining the Transhumanist Party United Kingdom, or TPUK. They are the only transhumanist party here and I think they should get much more attention. They ideologically identify as ‘Social Futurists’, which I think is closer to democratic transhumanism than liberal. I was thinking about become an activist for that cause, though I might need to be much better first, but basically I am for everything transhumanist now, and since it’s not religion specific, even if my religious beliefs do change(say if Jesus does heal me in the next week), then I can still be a transhumanist.

Also I’m tempted to move to Japan where all the best high tech is located lol. Not to mention the global capital of anime. But that’s a plan for another day…



IUD Insertion Update, Medical & Technological Convergence, Artificially Intelligent ‘God’, & Terasem Movement

Sooo…. Time for the post-insertion IUD update!! I am very weak, not so much as a side effect of the insertion or the IUD itself, but rather because I am still regaining my strength, and the Keto diet is making me weaker as I adjust again to less carbs. My legs have been aching incredibly, add that on top of a painful operation and the post-insertion lower abdomen cramps, has pretty much knocked me out for six, the stress of it all I think just triggering the temporarily paralysis I get at times. Weird that sometimes I have no feeling or movement in my legs, but it doesn’t last long, but hopefully I will continue recovering.

I did notice a seizure begin to start when I got home but it stopped as soon as it began, so maybe doubling my dose of Amitriptyaline as my doctor recommended me instead of taking the Olanzapine is actually working. I have got off three pounds so far of the weight that that drug put back on me over the weekend with the Keto diet, and maybe the Keto diet too is controlling my seizures as it’s meant to. The Keto diet triggers ketosis, where the brain has to run on lipids (fats) instead of glycerin (sugar), and the lipids somehow protect the brain from seizures, like an insulator, unlike sugar which makes the brain spaz out.

I have been doing a lot of researching into health science and how technology can be used with it. In fact I am feeling so strong about the idea that I want to start studying again so I can join the front line of developing artificial intelligence and fusing it with the human brain through nanotechnology – lofty aspirations!!! I was interested in becoming a neurologist for a while last year but realized I was too ill to ever cope at it. To be honest the same is probably true with biotechnology (or whatever the proper term is for these topics of interest) but at least as a research scientist you can work in the comfort of your own home… I think??? I mean Einstein came up with all his best stuff not in a lab but in his work desk, lol.

Honestly, I think this shift in focus is actually very natural and not strange at all. If you think about it, my entire focus was on the psychological before, and incorporating that into my spirituality. But I took a past-based approach, e.g. psychoanalysis. Based on historical and outdated science. But now I am taking a future based approach and trying to understand the brain from a more scientific point of view – neurology, and artificially enhancing our ‘consciousness’. It may be common in the far future if you are feeling depressed, to just adjust your own neural networking digitally or through nanotechnology, making you happier. Just like popping up an app on your phone and pressing the “happy” button. Sounds a bit trippy but I don’t think we’ve barely scratched the surface of technology.

Then there is the Singularity, which is something I am very interested in, and feel could be amazing for humanity. Think Pantheism or Panentheism, with a Technological Source – aka an Artificially Intelligent God that ticks all the Omni’s, as a self-sustaining system with Homo Opticus or Homo Machinus(the expected evolutionary path Homo Sapiens will take – a merger and then complete absorption with and by technology) playing a major part. However, there is an interesting thing happening in my mind when I contemplate on all this. If a God like that were to exist, and time travel is possible in the future, then who’s to say that this ‘God’ isn’t even active in our current lives? Changing humanity, perhaps running simulations where our real bodies or minds are elsewhere outside a created simulated reality, like the film The Matrix. Perhaps everything is simulated already – now that’s something massive. God is really a machine? Could be very possible. It is starting to sound like quantum mysticism now and Pantheism. Then it gets me wondering about the spiritual again…. and oh dear, I’ve gone in a loop with my theology.

It’s incredibly interesting doing those kind of thought experiments, but I find them so far removed from current reality that I have decided to reign my focus in, instead of focusing on what could be, I want to focus on how this current reality can be altered within current technological means to create a better future for humanity. The essential philosophy of Transhumanism. And thankfully I came across both a Science and Faith movement that incorporates all this. Forget Raelism(still possible, mind, but not applicable to current reality), my new Scientific Faith is Terasem. Honestly, I think it is an amazing movement, and I’m tempted to join(which requires a video introduction of yourself). If I am still into the idea in a while from now, I will join.

Basically Terasem asserts four core beliefs:


And along with the three ‘supers’ which are foundational to the Transhumanist movement (super intelligence, super longevity, and super well-being), makes the Terasem movement perfect. It is focused on the Now, how to make things better for humanity through technology, and even has its own research area, having created the first android Bina48 that is based on the mind mapping of another human being (its creator Bina Rothblatts). So for me it is all the best of atheistic spirituality, progressive humanitarianism, and technological evolution.

Whilst my interest was initially spurred by the idea of living a much longer time than the current human maximum life span, my interest has branched out incredibly broadly and I feel has replaced my previous woo woo outlook, into something more… I don’t know, optimistic and freeing? Mentally I feel pretty amazing, like lots of things are coming together for me. It’s been a weird journey through historical religion and futuristic predictions, but maybe my focus in the social sciences and my natural aptitude for the physical sciences can find some harmony with aspiring to contribute somehow to this new reality we as a collective are building for ourselves.

Just imagine the possibilities!! Telepathy is now a real thing, as I saw a video about a scientist who modified his arm in some way with nanotechnology to influence the nervous system to hook up to his wife’s – and he could control her body as if it was his own through that, and her visa versa. I consider that to be telepathic, and maybe my ‘spiritual’ experiences are based on that, and maybe they aren’t. It is hard to say. Whilst I am still sure that a God doesn’t exist, I think I am putting all that spiritual stuff on the backburner and perusing the real technology behind it all (whether real or just imagined). So in the real sense of the word I am now an Apatheist(technically classed as agnostic atheist still). Not interested either way in all that stuff, and God, though inclined to be skeptical and naturalistic.

So things are pretty exciting for me right now, exploring my new options. Although my illness has made me more or less bed bound, I feel a whole new world has opened up to me, and that I can freely realize my full potential, not just in this lifetime… but perhaps completely, evading death and disease and becoming digitally immortal.


Seizures, Ketogenic Dieting, Health, Futuristic Socialism, & The Artificially Intelligent Singularity

So I spent the weekend at Graeme’s house, despite the fact I’ve had an awful week in terms of health, and despite the fact he was recovering from Pneunomia as well, so we were both pretty sick and could barely look after ourselves let alone each other. But it was fun and I think being away helped me to gain some strength, from not having to worry about Lola (my Labradoodle pup) all the time.

I was feeling so bad I called my doctor and she said I could go back on the Olanzapine (anti-psychotics) because they helped with the seizures I was having the last time (making it likely they are psychogenic non-epileptic seizures triggered as a result of traumatic stress), and so I did for a couple of days but immediately put on so much weight I was devastated (it took me two months to get all that weight off!!!), so I decided to quit them last night and try the Ketogenic diet instead.

The Ketogenic diet, apart from being a way to lose weight, is also a way to control seizures in the brain, amazingly. It prevents them so I am going to do that rather than take the Olanzapine, which is MUCH healthier. Also, a Ketogenic diet isn’t hard at all. You just have to make sure you eat one hundred grams of good fats a day(includes most meats and dairies), and reduce carb intake to at least 50 grams (the less the better). My target weight at the moment is 120 pounds, so that makes my calorie intake 1,200 grams. It is doable, will help me lose weight, and will control the seizures. This may end up being a life long diet. And I’m fine with that because I personally do not like carbs anyway and the first two months of me starting dieting in Christmas I had almost no carbs anyway without even meaning to. The only problem being that it’s so easy to get into the habit of eating because junk food is everywhere, and really cheap. So lately I’ve been lax, eating more carbs and fast food. But I’m recommitting today to a better diet, and so far I’ve had loads of energy, am not feeling as weak, having no convulsions, ect. I think I just needed the Olanzapine for a few days to stabilise me again. And I will take it when I need if I have any episodes. But otherwise I am abstaining completely from that God awful drug.

I have my MRI booked now too for the 19th of April. Still waiting on the EEG. But the MRI will scan me for any autoimmune disorders and make sure there is nothing majorly wrong with me. So it will test for multiple sclerosis and other diseases like that. Honestly I don’t have a clue anymore what’s wrong with me. Maybe it IS all trauma – then blimey, that’s crazy. But if the MRI shows up nothing and the EEG says I don’t have epilepsy, then I have to go on another ten month waiting list to see the sleep clinic who will do tests for narcolepsy. At least the ball is rolling anyway, even if the NHS takes forever.

This week I also have my intrauterine device fitting, which now I’m feeling a bit better in health I’m looking forward to. I was pretty unsure whether to get it or not but I may as well if I am feeling better. My doctor phoned me and gave me the go ahead, saying that since it’s non-hormonal it shouldn’t effect my condition. Also I think the Progesterone from the contraceptive implant has come completely out of my system now because my irregular bleeding has stopped – if it was the cause of my relapse then that could explain why I have more energy today, and hopefully I will continue to go back to normal (well, what was normal for me anyway).

So anyway, my doctor wrote a letter of reference for the health clinic saying it’s ok for me to get the IUD fitted, and my doctor also said if I didn’t like she can take it out herself. That’s comforting because I’ve read stories of girls who have had big problems with these Long Acting Reversible Contraceptives (LARC’s) and the nurse refuse to take them out. Considering I’ve already had one LARC removed, it’d be easy enough to worry that they may just get sick and tired of me and refuse to have this one taken out again. But regardless, I shouldn’t need it out at all. It’s non-hormonal and lasts five years. Very effective, as the copper in the IUD kills sperm, it’s more or less a sterilizer. It doesn’t stop your ovulation or periods, so is a more natural option overall I think.

I love that it is approaching the end of March and the weather is starting to warm up. I want to get my summer body back before it’s warm enough to go to the beach. I’m really focused on that. So that’s another big motivator for me to do the Keto diet. Spring and Autumn are my favourite seasons, summer close behind, and winter waaayyy behind, lol.

Not much to update this week, but I think this is all about my health and less about my spiritual journey. I think I feel at home in the Transhumanism community… It is atheistic but progressive, futuristic, and I somehow need to raise $200,000 so I can be cryogenically frozen then revived once technology knows how to reverse aging. In fact I’d love to be on the front line with developing these new bio-technologies if I was strong enough, I’m really enjoying exploring this area.

I think regarding immortality and Raelism – The Raelists believe that the gods (aka extraterrestrials) are mapping our brains onto their software and will revive the morally good humans with new advanced bodies at the end of time (sort of apocalyptic, once the sun explodes or something I’m guessing)… which is an interesting idea but still a bit looney, so I’ve thrown it in the bin and decided to just try and be immortal through 21st century technology somehow, which probably means I need to get rich. I have no doubt the technology will be developed in my generation, but I also have no doubt that only the rich will get first access, unfortunately. Though regarding that I was talking with Graeme about politics and it turns out we are both pretty Socialist – wanting to abolish money and banks all together and have a community based on shared resources, ect. Most Socialist systems have failed due to crazy dictators, but in the future with technology we could definitely have a Socialist system like on Star Trek where money doesn’t exist, everything you need is just there for you with endless supply.

In fact some Transhumanists call aging a disease, and I agree with them. So here the interest in health for me mixes with spirituality. If we can eradicate the disease of death, things would be very very different, and I think that’s actually a world I support. But I hope humanity learns to stop being so greedy and selfish first. Maybe it never will and we will fail evolutionary as a species… then again, if technology can alter your brain, why not alter it to make you peaceful and harmonious, thereby rapidly reducing crime rates? (Think of the anime Psycho Pass, however, it does have its own limitations). I think reality as we know it would completely change, and I think that’s incredible. I definitely think we should explore it. I am also looking forward to the possibility of an artificial intelligent ‘Singularity’ taking over, and rather than thinking it to be completely good or evil, will probably have a morality just like most humans and primates. It will be ‘post-human’, and then the merge with technology would start to occur….

I know it sounds scary, terrifying even, but I honestly think there is not too much to worry about. I think technology is amazing, and can enhance health in so many ways.


Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.


I got the Contraceptive Implant Removed and Why

Well, it was obvious to me after my condition suddenly worsening severely after having the implant put in that it was that triggering and flaring my condition. I was seriously taking a turn for the worst, the paramedics were called over twice, I was admitted to the ward the first time, and yesterday I couldn’t move a muscle for two hours – effectively paralyzed. I was so upset I went straight to the health clinic today and got it removed.

Sex is awesome but my health is more important. What’s the point of an implant if I’m not even well enough to have sex? Not worth it. In the almost month I had it in I had sex twice, and it was the best experiences of my life, being that I had waited so long emotionally, and it was with the right person, and such. Now I experienced something so special I am okay with waiting again for a while until other options come along.

Basically the nurse wants me to wait a couple of weeks to see if the side effects really do calm down indicating that the implant really was the cause – then she wants me to talk to my doctor about her recommendation and from there if I have the go ahead from my doctor I will get the non hormonal intrauterine device fitted instead. It is copper and basically is inserted in the womb and causes sterilization. Being non-hormonal it doesn’t change the way your body works. It’s literally that the sperm hate the copper inside the uterus and according to the nurse spaz out and basically can’t reach the egg. She says it’s supposed to be one of the most effective forms of birth control out there (but that’s what they all say lol)… honestly nothing is 100% so I got some freebie condoms whilst I was at the clinic. They gave me another STD test and pregnancy test (pointless to me, because I’m in a monogamous relationship and only had sex twice not even for very long or to the point of climax), and told me to abstain until I get the IUD fitted. That’s fine with me.

But they want to do some checks with my doctor and neurologist first, and say because of all my health complications I may have to go to the hospital to get it done. So it may be a bit more complicated but I’m willing to go through it. Though I haven’t told Graeme yet lol, since he’s been busy at work. I think he (and my family too tbh) are worried I’m jumping into things without really thinking them over, but I did do a lot of research for like a month before I even went to the health clinic the first time. So I know what’s what (more or less, not claiming to be an expert).

It’s a shame the implant affected me that way. I’d say for women of average/normal health it would probably be very good for them. I would definitely still recommend it, it’s just that it didn’t suit me. And when I got it out, I got home and was exhausted from being out at the clinic, and could feel an episode coming on, but this time I bounced back really quickly like just before I had it put in, and regained my strength in a couple of hours. I know the nurse says it takes about a week for the hormone to come out of my system but she also said things will start going back to normal almost instantaneously. And maybe because of just how sensitive I am I can already feel the benefits of having it removed.

So here’s to having no more fits. But hopefully next Monday when I have my neurology exams they will still find something and be able to diagnose it. After doing lots of research I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I have multiple sclerosis – it all adds up. And I’m gonna ask the neurologist to test me for it. I believe I’ve had it for years and my traumatic breakdown caused it to flare badly.

I really hope now I will continue improving, because I wanted to go back to college and study again and start looking at potential future careers. Although I wanted to be a vet I’m undecided again. I’m finding myself interested in the sciences again… but I will wait till my neurological diagnosis before I figure out what to do career wise. If it turns out I do have an autoimmune disease (well my doctor is 100% sure I have narcolepsy with cataplexy which is autoimmune anyway), I may be on personal independence payment and employment support allowance for the rest of my life. Not sure how I feel about that… I guess both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyway, another symptom I’m sure the implant was giving me was panic attacks before sleep again, I was doing well with not taking any sleep medications at bed time, but have had to rely on them a lot again recently. Hopefully that will all calm down, and I have this strange religious confusion in my mind. In the night due to the panic whilst I’m half asleep I will be like full on Christian (because it’s comforting), but then in the day when I’m fully awake and aware I’m like “God doesn’t exist and Jesus is dead….” but it’s all sort of blurring together and I don’t really have any grounding right now.

Maybe if I eventually get round to doing some meditation the confusion will clear and I’ll get more clarity. Anyway that’s not really the point. I don’t know what the term is for someone who doesn’t care about God’s existence and will live their own way either way – Apatheist maybe? My idea is that if God does exist he’s loving enough for me not to have to worry about the afterlife as long as I’m a good person – which I am. And if he doesn’t then I will still be a good person anyway because it’s the right thing to do. So either way it’s not a big deal. But honestly when I am rational the whole idea of God just seems absurd.

Anyway enough about that. I think the body is incredibly complex, and wish I could understand it. But I will go about living my life to the fullest I can – because it’s our only one life. That’s the point. Beliefs and labeling and all that don’t matter in the end – all that matters is taking responsibility for yourself and living in the present moment.

A Night in Hospital and the Ensuing Madness!!!

Well, what can I say!!! I thought my recovery was going excellent. But after a long day on Monday, I got back home over-tired and ended up having some kind seizure episode, which lead my mum to calling 111 – and the nurse on the other end phoned 999 and called the paramedics over. They saw me and decided to take me into hospital, which isn’t the first time with my illness, but it’s the first time I stayed over night.

I had these seizures when I was at my worst and told my doctor but I thought the issue had resolved itself, but what I didn’t realize is that the convulsions have slowly been coming back since I was weaned off the anti-psychotics. The doctors don’t know yet what’s wrong with me but I have a neurological exam booked in a couple of weeks. I’ve been on the waiting list for all this time, since a year ago. Finally I will get to know what’s up.

I am going to ask my doctor when I see her tomorrow to put me back on a low dose of an anti-psychotic that doesn’t cause weight gain, because also since I’ve been off it, I haven’t been sleeping very well due to hallucinations, night terrors, restless legs, and I’ve also been hearing voices again during the convulsions (which mostly are just harmless twitching, but on Monday it was full on). So hopefully she will put me back on them.

When the paramedics came to my house, they asked the usual questions, one of which was “have you changed medication recently”… my mum answered and said no, but of course she didn’t know about the birth control. So I had to tell them all “actually yes, I was put on Nexplanon”… with which the paramedics were like “what’s that”. I tried hinting but in the end it came out, that it’s a contraceptive implant. I was so ashamed of my mum finding out, and said sorry to her. She said “well you are nearly 24”, and the paramedics said “as far as we’re concerned you did a very good thing”.

We talked about it a bit as we were at the hospital, but I was so out of it it felt like I was in a dream, and after eventually getting transferred to the ward at half four in the morning, after my episode last four hours (!!!!) I woke the next morning feeling pretty depressed at how things had turned out. Not just that my mum found out about the implant, but that she had to watch me go through everything during my episode, and my whole family were affected. Must be awful to see me suffer.

My boyfriend didn’t find out until the next morning (he doesn’t check his phone that often), and he rang during work lunch break to see how I was doing. Tonight he is coming over to see if I’m okay, and also it’s his birthday tomorrow so I am going to give him presents (which cost me like sixty pounds, lol). Anyway, they ran a series of tests on me at the hospital – blood work, chest x-rays, pregnancy tests. I was terrified, especially with the x-ray and pregnancy test. With all the demons that had been in my chest I was terrified that they caused tumors or something – which they easily can do, and I had a moment where I was convinced I only had a year to live, and I couldn’t bear the thought of death. I was very very afraid, not knowing where I would go after death. I prayed to Jesus asking him to promise me that he would take me to a nice place. He said “I didn’t show you that vision of heaven for you to end up elsewhere – it’s your home now”.

Anyway, it turned out nothing was wrong with my chest. And then there was the pregnancy test. Thankfully my mum wasn’t there during the test, because it means she’d know that I did actually have sex – I lost my virginity for about thirty seconds, and I felt so proud of myself afterwards, and me and Graeme went out and celebrated afterwards lol. It had always been a nerve-wracking thing for me, and pregnancy is actually my biggest fear. So it felt like the Universe was laughing at me, getting me to do a pregnancy test only days after having sex for the first time. I was mortified, and panicking.

Well, thankfully the results were negative (and I shouldn’t have been worried because IMPLANT = 99.9% effective). Honestly I’ve been through so much this week, it was crazy. I think I was overloaded mentally for those couple of days. Anyway, the docs didn’t find anything wrong with me, and said to wait for my neurological examinations in two weeks. So I’m thrilled it’s finally here and hopefully they will find what’s wrong with my brain and know how to treat it.

Mostly in this blog post I want to write about the implant. I didn’t bring it up all day when I got back from the hospital on Tuesday, I was still feeling too embarrassed. But today me and mum went for a coffee and I decided to clear the air and approach the topic bravely. It turns out I really needn’t have worried at all. My mum was proud that Graeme and I had been so responsible about everything, being tested for STD’s together and thinking about birth control. She said she had nothing against birth control (something I thought she would because most Christians are), and she said she felt honored I felt I could discuss it with her. She also asked me my own Christian views about my decision, and I explained to her my views, and she was good with it.

I told her though that she doesn’t need to worry about us doing anything soon, and that it was for just in case anything happened. That’s somewhat true, because Graeme is very sensitive and think he needs time to process that thirty seconds we shared. We decided not to try again for a while until we are feeling better and less traumatized about the whole thing. We both are quite anxious people in this regard and need to take things slowly.

Following that conversation with my mum, she asked me if I would talk to my younger sister about contraception because no one ever taught her (being that she was home schooled all her life), which made /me/ feel pretty honored, honestly. That she would be both okay with my decision, and trust me to talk to my sister about it for her greater good.

All in all everything has turned out all okay, and I feel great about everything now. My mum said though if possible she would prefer if Graeme was thinking about marrying me before having sex. And that I had some kind of commitment symbol like a promise ring (pre-engagement basically). The thought is a bit nerve-wracking but I knew the moment I met him I wanted to marry him. So maybe I should get him thinking a bit and tell him what my mum said, because he did tell me he honestly wanted her opinion and to respect it. Might be a bit of an awkward conversation so early in our relationship, it’s only been two and a half months, but I will try and make it light and not pressure him. He needs time to think over stuff and come to a decision. And to be honest if he decided he wanted to eventually marry me, it would make me feel better about having sex with him too.

So that’s my week, lol. I will keep updating about the neurological exams and the pre-engagement stuff and everything. Bit crazy but I guess this is life lol.