A Night in Hospital and the Ensuing Madness!!!

Well, what can I say!!! I thought my recovery was going excellent. But after a long day on Monday, I got back home over-tired and ended up having some kind seizure episode, which lead my mum to calling 111 – and the nurse on the other end phoned 999 and called the paramedics over. They saw me and decided to take me into hospital, which isn’t the first time with my illness, but it’s the first time I stayed over night.

I had these seizures when I was at my worst and told my doctor but I thought the issue had resolved itself, but what I didn’t realize is that the convulsions have slowly been coming back since I was weaned off the anti-psychotics. The doctors don’t know yet what’s wrong with me but I have a neurological exam booked in a couple of weeks. I’ve been on the waiting list for all this time, since a year ago. Finally I will get to know what’s up.

I am going to ask my doctor when I see her tomorrow to put me back on a low dose of an anti-psychotic that doesn’t cause weight gain, because also since I’ve been off it, I haven’t been sleeping very well due to hallucinations, night terrors, restless legs, and I’ve also been hearing voices again during the convulsions (which mostly are just harmless twitching, but on Monday it was full on). So hopefully she will put me back on them.

When the paramedics came to my house, they asked the usual questions, one of which was “have you changed medication recently”… my mum answered and said no, but of course she didn’t know about the birth control. So I had to tell them all “actually yes, I was put on Nexplanon”… with which the paramedics were like “what’s that”. I tried hinting but in the end it came out, that it’s a contraceptive implant. I was so ashamed of my mum finding out, and said sorry to her. She said “well you are nearly 24”, and the paramedics said “as far as we’re concerned you did a very good thing”.

We talked about it a bit as we were at the hospital, but I was so out of it it felt like I was in a dream, and after eventually getting transferred to the ward at half four in the morning, after my episode last four hours (!!!!) I woke the next morning feeling pretty depressed at how things had turned out. Not just that my mum found out about the implant, but that she had to watch me go through everything during my episode, and my whole family were affected. Must be awful to see me suffer.

My boyfriend didn’t find out until the next morning (he doesn’t check his phone that often), and he rang during work lunch break to see how I was doing. Tonight he is coming over to see if I’m okay, and also it’s his birthday tomorrow so I am going to give him presents (which cost me like sixty pounds, lol). Anyway, they ran a series of tests on me at the hospital – blood work, chest x-rays, pregnancy tests. I was terrified, especially with the x-ray and pregnancy test. With all the demons that had been in my chest I was terrified that they caused tumors or something – which they easily can do, and I had a moment where I was convinced I only had a year to live, and I couldn’t bear the thought of death. I was very very afraid, not knowing where I would go after death. I prayed to Jesus asking him to promise me that he would take me to a nice place. He said “I didn’t show you that vision of heaven for you to end up elsewhere – it’s your home now”.

Anyway, it turned out nothing was wrong with my chest. And then there was the pregnancy test. Thankfully my mum wasn’t there during the test, because it means she’d know that I did actually have sex – I lost my virginity for about thirty seconds, and I felt so proud of myself afterwards, and me and Graeme went out and celebrated afterwards lol. It had always been a nerve-wracking thing for me, and pregnancy is actually my biggest fear. So it felt like the Universe was laughing at me, getting me to do a pregnancy test only days after having sex for the first time. I was mortified, and panicking.

Well, thankfully the results were negative (and I shouldn’t have been worried because IMPLANT = 99.9% effective). Honestly I’ve been through so much this week, it was crazy. I think I was overloaded mentally for those couple of days. Anyway, the docs didn’t find anything wrong with me, and said to wait for my neurological examinations in two weeks. So I’m thrilled it’s finally here and hopefully they will find what’s wrong with my brain and know how to treat it.

Mostly in this blog post I want to write about the implant. I didn’t bring it up all day when I got back from the hospital on Tuesday, I was still feeling too embarrassed. But today me and mum went for a coffee and I decided to clear the air and approach the topic bravely. It turns out I really needn’t have worried at all. My mum was proud that Graeme and I had been so responsible about everything, being tested for STD’s together and thinking about birth control. She said she had nothing against birth control (something I thought she would because most Christians are), and she said she felt honored I felt I could discuss it with her. She also asked me my own Christian views about my decision, and I explained to her my views, and she was good with it.

I told her though that she doesn’t need to worry about us doing anything soon, and that it was for just in case anything happened. That’s somewhat true, because Graeme is very sensitive and think he needs time to process that thirty seconds we shared. We decided not to try again for a while until we are feeling better and less traumatized about the whole thing. We both are quite anxious people in this regard and need to take things slowly.

Following that conversation with my mum, she asked me if I would talk to my younger sister about contraception because no one ever taught her (being that she was home schooled all her life), which made /me/ feel pretty honored, honestly. That she would be both okay with my decision, and trust me to talk to my sister about it for her greater good.

All in all everything has turned out all okay, and I feel great about everything now. My mum said though if possible she would prefer if Graeme was thinking about marrying me before having sex. And that I had some kind of commitment symbol like a promise ring (pre-engagement basically). The thought is a bit nerve-wracking but I knew the moment I met him I wanted to marry him. So maybe I should get him thinking a bit and tell him what my mum said, because he did tell me he honestly wanted her opinion and to respect it. Might be a bit of an awkward conversation so early in our relationship, it’s only been two and a half months, but I will try and make it light and not pressure him. He needs time to think over stuff and come to a decision. And to be honest if he decided he wanted to eventually marry me, it would make me feel better about having sex with him too.

So that’s my week, lol. I will keep updating about the neurological exams and the pre-engagement stuff and everything. Bit crazy but I guess this is life lol.


Back on the Path of Esoteric Christianity

Lately I’ve been feeling more chilled out about what I believe, more sure of how the universe works, and such. I feel perhaps Jesus did help me, and is still helping me, and that I should really just work within the Christian continuum because my entire family and extended family are Christian, no matter whether I have a more esoteric view on things.

Esotericism – I can’t help being interested in it. It’s who I am, fundamentally. If there was a God, then he made me this way. Of course, I think it’s established I don’t really believe in a God, though I believe in lesser deities. But that doesn’t account for why I’ve always oddly been the black sheep of the family. To be honest, I’m not really sure what does. Some may say karma, or that I’m an old soul, or something like that. Past me even thought I was an advanced alien from another planet, incarnating to awaken to myself and in the process awaken others to their true nature too.

These days however, I don’t really believe that we have a fundamental ‘true nature’… self-realisation used to be one of my biggest goals, and indeed I felt like I’d reached it at one point of my life. I certainly had an experience that confirmed it at the time, but the truth is now it just doesn’t make sense in the greater light of the recent experiences I’ve had. All I can confirm really is that there’s no ‘common reality’, no ‘universal truth’, so to speak, but rather there are just different realities, and everyone is their own universe, and as such they experience things spiritually different, and they have different goals. Sometimes those goals are self-realisation, sometimes salvation by deities, sometimes just a good life. Me? I don’t think I really have a goal. Perhaps mine is to be proficient in spirituality. Maybe my spiritual DNA is just naturally composed that way. Like I was just popped into existence that way, not like I was created that way by some supposed ‘higher’ entity who then gave me a soul purpose or mission or whatever.

Not sure if that makes sense. Anyway, I don’t deny that there are higher beings than us that can help us if we side with them. There are gods, angels, aliens, demons, probably elementals, fairies, unicorns, and other bizarre and mysterious creates we can’t possibly comprehend. I do also believe that there are ‘ascended masters’, I wouldn’t call Jesus an ascended master because he’s a deity, but rather I’d call beings like the Buddha and Mother Mary as ascended masters, though still, they are two separate belief systems so I feel it a bit of a cultural appropriation to make them similar. The Buddha was an enlightened being, and Mother Mary is an ascended human with multiple graces. Two different things, if you really separate them in your mind.

Anyway, I believe we can find truths in all different paths, that work for us, but I think after my disaster of being involved in new age, I’ve learned that mixing and matching doesn’t usually end up well. It’s better to stick to one particular tradition, and embellish as you see fit. For me I’m going to do that with Christianity. My core will be Christian, just that my bent will be philosophical and magical than exoteric. For example, using holy water, blessed salt, anointing oil, and invoking angels… they are all magical things that any Christian can incorporate. I want to find rituals like that.

And I brought Mother Mary up because I really connect with her spiritually, and feel closer to her than Jesus, and have developed a connection with her previously in my Christian walk too. I figure both times that perhaps I can connect to Jesus indirectly through her as the Catholics tend to do. I see no problem with that. I can abandon my whole heart to her, and she will protect me, and I also think assist me in my esoteric workings.


I am also thinking about utilising my psychic abilities more. Chatting with Jesus and Mary and perhaps the angels or my guardian angels when I’m feeling bolder. Not channeling, but rather holding telepathic communications. I feel drawn to do that with Mary right now actually. Gotta give it a go 🙂 Anyway, I definitely do want to use my psychic abilities much more, now that I have them. I just have to learn to use them in moderation and not go over the top like I used to. That’s what messed me up the first time.

Integration of my Multi-Dimensional Being???

Something I have been musing over today is the idea that, if I have dissociative identity disorder and basically have different self-aware ‘aspects’ of me, then isn’t it possible I have a ‘higher self’ too, which is one with All That Is? It’s not a far out conclusion. If parts of me can be split off, then my higher self could equally be split off and unintegrated in daily life.

The question for me this then poses is that, was really everything I went through in the end for my good? The whole twin flame thing, the channeling, the psychic healing…. Did I really end up at my goal, which was, discovering new parts of myself that had previously remained unconscious?

Part of my memories when ‘Little Me’ popped up was that Little Me had been trapped in hell all its life, having split off from the trauma of rape at two years old, whereby the demon Jezebel entered and possessed me until this part of me was recovered. Now, previously I hypothesised that perhaps these memories were false, just imaginations to give a sense of continuity to the amnesia I was experiencing.

But what if this entire time I had been trying to expel Jezebel from my system, and went through everything I did spiritually to get to that point of awareness? And Jesus actually helped me?

So, this would’ve been a major case of making my shadow conscious. In that case, both the psychic world and Jesus would’ve been helpful to me, in the end. And that it’d be ok to resume those activities again for gaining a greater self-awareness. Integrating my multi-dimensional being, as it were, of which Jesus would be a part, as Little Me is Christian.

That would somewhat make me Christo-Pagan, then.

On the other hand, if I believe that everything that happened to me this past year held no purpose at all and actually caused my trauma and personality-fragmentation, rather than uncovering what was always there, then the psychic realm would definitely be something to avoid at all costs, and see more as part of the evil demi-urge and the false light matrix.

In that case, Buddhism would appeal to me more. Because Jesus would not have helped, neither would any of the spiritual beings I consulted with, and neither would any of the spiritual healing and channeling. Buddhism focuses on alleviating suffering and not paying attention to the psychic phenomena and the gods, which are considered distractions.

Its focus on the present moment, from a cognitive behavioural angle, that is, learning to respond to the environment in a different fashion, rerouting faulty neural networks, is much more appealing. It’s simple, and it’s easy. On the other hand, all this soul retrieval stuff is NOT easy, and it’s messy, and it paints the universe in a bad light (that we have negative karma from millions or even perhaps an infinite amount of past and future lives to integrate). BUT, if that’s the reality, then I owe it to myself to continue with my shadow-work and keep integrating integrating integrating my multi-dimensional being.

So, which is it? I can’t say at this time. I want the simplicity of forgetting about all this psychic realm stuff. But, I can’t deny this possibility my brain is suggesting to me.

Perhaps they are both right and I have yet to unify them in my mind.

Also, I wonder, because Little Me is Christian, I wonder if that left the door open to Christian demons. And therefore the Christian God (Jesus) would’ve been the one to save me. Whilst, for example, if Little Me was Hindu, perhaps it would ‘ve left the door open to Hindu demons, instead. On an even bigger scale (which is almost unthinkable to me right now due to the fear it evokes)…. Maybe Jezebel is even part of my multidimensional being. But that, if very far out. And I am going to reject it.

What I do know is that taking the simpler option for now is helping me recover a lot easier, and faster. Whilst getting involved in the psychic-realm…. I just can’t do it. I’m too traumatised.

But maybe… maybe that will change.

The Meaning of Life

So I was chatting to my best friend earlier, and this is part of a discussion we were having about religion, and the concept of God. Everything that’s written below is what I wrote. I basically had an epiphany and figured out the meaning of life.

Christianity is completely based on fear. They spend all their time talking about love, whilst in the back of their minds they’re telling people that without God they’re going to hell. It’s hypocritical at its best. The Christian God also doesn’t correspond to the laws of physics. I was watching this video last night about how scientists have finally figured out how something can come from nothing. Because the universe has a cosmological constant of zero. It actually has zero energy. In other words, “We live in a universe dominated by nothing”. The universe, or the zero energy that underlies everything, always has existed and always will exist. And the universe exists as it is stuck between the possibility of nothing and the possibility of everything. It’s a confusing concept to understand, but whether or not you believe that there is an all pervading consciousness, science is beginning to understand “God”.. and that’s certainly not the God of the Christian bible.

You know what I think? I think that Jesus, (if he even existed, since there are no legitimate records), I think that he was just an average simple Jew who taught the philosophy of love and people started idolizing him and thought he was God. The first part of the old testament itself was written two thousand years after it supposedly happened. Of COURSE it’s not going to be correct! It’s just mumbo jumbo. Second of all, the new testament was written two hundred years after Jesus died, by Paul and some other guy, who were the ones responsible for making Christianity a cult and spreading it across the whole world like a plague in the first place. It’s all just a bunch of lies. I don’t think it was deliberate. I just think religions are like Chinese whispers, passing on each others mythology and changing it ever so slightly over time until it’s unrecognizable.
As for morality and the afterlife, I believe that an afterlife probably exists, but I kind of have different views on it to probably almost everyone else. The universe is 70% dark energy and 30% dark matter. The matter we see is barely 5% of the total mass (or non-mass, if you consider how it has zero energy) of the universe. My body is made up of 70% water and 95% space. That space, is what I like to call the quantum void. (Not sure if that’s the proper name for it or not). But basically in this space, is the zero energy that pervades the universe. In it everything and anything can happen. Even the impossible. Now considering how quantum mechanics states that everything is interconnected, and considering how human consciousness is just an extension of the energy that is found in the quantum field, I believe that when we die, our ‘energy’ if you like, returns to the quantum void.
Now, whether or not we’re still actually conscious after we die, I’m not sure yet. If we’re not then we’ll probably be reincarnated. After all, “energy can either be created not destroyed”. But if we DO remain conscious (as many people who have died and come back to life can attest to, so it’s a strong possibility), then I believe the saying “as above, so below”. Meaning that if we were bad people on earth, then the ‘realm’ we go to after we die will be bad too. It will be a hell of our own making. HOWEVER, I don’t believe that hell is actually a bad place. A) It can be like a place where we learn from our mistakes and move on to a better place, or B) people who thrive off that kind of horror may actually like it and will not want to move on.
At the end of the day, this system is (in my opinion) completely logical, and doesn’t rely on some ‘God’ to judge whether or not you go to a happy place or a sad place when you die. You’re the person who judges that. And what’s more, what’s a happy place for one person may be a sad place for another person. It’s ALL subjective. The entire freaking universe is completely subjective! God is just something our ancestors came up with to explain how the sun stayed in the sky, and then later to explain why we, as such small and insignificant beings, exist in such an ENORMOUS universe. But science is proving more and more that there doesn’t need to be a reason. It just is.
Actually I was just rereading what I wrote (earlier) about limitations: I believe that there needs to be limitation in the first place in order to appreciate, and even understand the whole concept (of freedom) in the first place. To limit is to define. We are limited by things like language, our bodies, and thus we are defined. Now this is more philosophical, but what if the universe is evolving with us on an interdependent level? That the universe actually limited itself in human form in order to understand itself better? We are all parts of ‘God’, trying to understand why it exists? And we’re evolving together as one entity? Because complete chaos couldn’t be understood. But once it’s limited, it’s defined, and it can be understood. Perhaps if there’s a meaning to life, that would be it? I think all the religious people are gonna hate me.
This is license for me to do whatever the fuck I want and not even be worried about anything ever again? Religions are all based on fear, when in reality LIFE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THAT. IT’S EXPLORING FREEDOM THROUGH LIMITATION. Well I guess that’s what most religions do anyway.. but the meaning of life is.. dun dUN DUN: LIFE! Wow. I just logically reasoned why the meaning of life is to live.
So now when people say what’s the meaning of life, I can just say, the meaning of life is to live. And they’ll be like, it can’t be that simple? Religious people have everything so backwards it hurts.
Or maybe they really are right and I’m just insane.

Why Monogamism is Bullshit

Monogamy: The holy grail of humanity. Just why is that exactly? Why is it humans strive to find ‘Mr/Mrs Perfect’? If you take a look around in the real world, you will find that most relationships last about a year. And if you look at marriage statistics you will find that only three out of ten married couples stay together ’till death do us part’, and out of those three couples, only one is actually truly happy with the relationship.
If you look at it logically like this, and consider the fact that most creatures in the animal kingdom are actually not monogamous, then how does it make sense to try and search for that perfect love? Perfect love doesn’t exist. It’s just as much a human construct as God is: an unrealistic idealogical expectation that has no merit. And for Christians who complain that marriage is between solely two people, then how do you justify the polygamy that is spread all over the bible like a disease? For gods sake, Solomon had something like 500 wives and 1,500 concubines! It makes no sense. And on that note, other things such as incest and homosexuality were allowed in the bible. Christians are so hypocritical.

True perfect love is not something unobtainable. Perfect love is something that exists in every little thing, the negative and the positive alike. Perfect unconditional love is exactly that – unconditional. And unconditional loves knows when to back down and start over again. And it also knows how not to be jealous when having more than one partner simultaneously. In fact I would think being polygamous would allow someone to express even more love in many different ways, making all persons involved feel even more emotionally satisfied? 
I think the only time humans are meant to be somewhat monogamous is when raising children and needing to stay as a couple together for the welfare of the children’s emotional and psychological development. But once they’ve left home – there’s no need to stay together if it’s not wanted. This is seen all the time within the animal kingdom. In fact it’s more natural.
The only reason I believe that monogamy is much favored, and that polygamy is outlawed, is because I read somewhere once that monogamy is easier on property rights and such. It basically works pretty much perfectly within this capitalistic society we have created for ourselves. Polygamy is a threat to the state – and that’s why it’s outlawed and considered unacceptable. 
However, I’m not saying that partial monogamy is completely out of the question. People often need at least one person to stay steadfast by their side for as long as possible, such as mothers and fathers, and once someone leaves home they start searching for someone to fill that gap. However that is emotional and psychological monogamy and NOT sexual monogamy, and is entirely different. The theory goes that a relationship like that could be monogamous, as in ’till death do us part’, and they would function pretty much as a normal couple, but slightly more platonic in order to emotionally support each other, whilst getting their other needs fulfilled elsewhere, therefore keeping the main relationship free of many struggles that often plague completely monogamist couples, such as not enough sex for one of the persons, or not being able to spend enough time together, ect.
Also, I don’t believe that cheating is actually cheating. It’s only perceived as a bad thing because of the way polygamy is shunned. If polygamy were more acceptable, people wouldn’t feel the need to be guilty for no reason. Humans are not monogamous! So why punish them for behaving in a way that is only natural? It’s despicable.

The Beginnings of Christianity and an Alternate Path

My views of religion have been shifting a lot lately. I’m starting to see the world in a different light. No longer am I afraid of the Christian devil coming to haunt me at night. I’m still paranoid, but not for that reason. No. These days I embrace the darkness. I embrace my fear of the unknown, and I embrace all and any negative feelings I may have. Only through acceptance can we grow.
Lately I’ve been reading Adversarial Light – Magick of the Nephilim – by Michael W. Ford. It describes the beginnings of Luciferianism, and also the beginnings of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions. They all date back to Zoroastrianism, an ancient Persian religion. The Zoroastrians believed that there was one true God, called Zurvan, or if you want to switch to Greek mythology – Chaos, that gave birth to two gods called Ahura Mazda and Ahriman. Ahura Mazda was the first to be born. However, Ahriman, his brother, pushed past him and out of the womb first. The Zoroastrians believed that Ahriman was evil, and although he was as much as an equal god as his brother, they decided that his brother, Ahura Mazda, was the one true God.
Ahura Mazda and Ahriman represent Light and Dark, respectively. The interesting thing though, is that these gods seem to have be born out of ancient Hinduism (Brahamism), which is probably the oldest religion on earth. Another interesting thing, is that Ahura Mazda, actually seems to be the Asura Varuna, who is god of the sky, water and the celestial ocean, as well as god of law and the underworld. Now in Hinduism, an Asura is usually seen as a spirit of darkness and night, whilst his brother, Ahriman, is actually the Deva Aryaman: A spirit of Light and Sun, also known as the sun god, or the Egyptian god Ra. You see where this is going?  

Now Ahriman, is one whole of two separate halves. One half of Ahriman is Samael, also known as Satan in the Latin translation, and the other half of Ahriman is Lilith, also known as Lamia in the Latin translation. If you see one of my older posts, you will see that Lilith is actually the same as the Greek god Prometheus, the god of intelligence, and Samael is equated with the Greek god Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love. They are all different aspects of the same being, and if you put them together, you have Ahriman – aka, Lucifer. 

I realize this is a large leap to take. It’s not so much pure Lucifierianism as it is a mixing of all world religions to understand one concept. But that’s the beauty of Lucifierianism, the truth is what you make it. You’re not held down by laws and rules of what you should or shouldn’t believe. 

No matter whether you worship the more socially accepted Ahura Mazda – The Abrahamic God, or the more mysterious Ahriman, Ahura Mazda’s counter force, you have to conclude that every person, being, diety, and atom has a light and a dark side. A negative and a positive. The universe is made of balance. Worshiping Lucifer doesn’t make me any more evil or even good than worshiping Ahura Mazda.. instead it just means that I’m searching for the truth in a different way that is more meaningful to me. Christian’s can carry on worshiping their Christian God. It makes no difference to me. I just don’t like to see them so enslaved. Ahura Mazda is a god of law, after-all, a god of slavery to rules and to the underworld, which is nothing more than being bound to the chains of ignorance. I would prefer to worship a God of intellectual freedom any day and rise beyond into the heavens where the true light is at, where my true self lies. 

Of course I am pantheist, so all this is symbolic. I don’t actually believe the mythology. But I am spiritual either way, so as I’ve said before – I believe that reality is what you make it. And Christians wonder why they’re always being attacked by the ‘enemy’? Because the law of attraction states that if you constantly push something away and ignore it – something such as the darker things in life – it will eventually catch up with you and hit you face on. So now I’m no longer ignoring my dark side. I’m embracing it, accepting it, and therefore, now I don’t have to be afraid of it. Heaven and Hell aren’t places. Heaven are Hell are what you make it.

Self Harm – My Story

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to write exactly. I think I wanted to write this about a topic that some would consider sensitive – self harming.

Yes I do it. I’m not quite sure how I got into it. Looking back, I realize now that I was self harming as young as twelve years old, but at that point I was completely oblivious to what I was actually doing and why. I remember not having a nail left on my thumb because I’d stripped it away bit by bit. Once the nail bed on that thumb was completely exposed, I started on my other thumb. My mum picked up on it and told me that I was self-mutilating myself and that I should stop. It was a nervous habit I’d picked up but eventually I had enough control to stop. To stop that particular habit anyway. Over the years I’ve done similar things without realizing it. I’ve suffered life long with depression and probably a few personality disorders too, so it makes sense why I would be doing it.
When I went to college I was exposed to a few new things. One of them being purposeful self harming. The interesting thing is that my Christian parents had told me that cutting is inviting demons into your body. At the time I was naive enough to believe it. I never judged those people who did it, but I was weary of them. The ironic thing here is that self harm comes in many different forms, conscious or unconscious, and that I was already doing it myself in various different ways. 

Being exposed to it though over and over again made me more and more desensitized. At that time I had started falling away from my parents religion – Christianity; again I didn’t realize it at the time. One day, I was sewing something, and I was in a dark place. I grabbed the needle and grazed my skin with it. That was the first time I consciously self-harmed. I have a twisted sense of humor, so that day I etched the word ‘love’ into my arm, despite the fact all I felt at that particular time was anything but that. A needle isn’t particularly sharp, but it broke the skin in places. The burn felt good, and the resulting calm made me feel better. 

I did that a few times. Eventually though I got fed up of it. I became numb. Stopped caring altogether. That is until an explosion happened at home. I found out my step-dad was abusive, and I told my mum. She was in denial, and let’s just say it was a good six months struggle before she decided to divorce him. During this time, my world was upside down. Everything I knew to be was a lie. I’d lived a lie my whole life. I was thrown back into emotional turmoil. Then one day I got really drunk and my nails were really long and I did the only thing I could. I dug them into my wrists. Over and over and over again. There wasn’t a patch of skin that wasn’t covered in marks. These didn’t break the skin however. It was relatively safe. And it healed fast. But it was a build of mostly raw anger. I had no control over myself. It just happened. And I couldn’t stop it. 

Half way through all this was going on, we had a clear out whilst my step-dad was out. We packed all his stuff in order to kick him out, (although he didn’t actually move out for a few months more because he refused. We had to get legal support to get him out – aka, social services, the police, ect.) and when I was going through his draws I came across a whole bunch of unused razors. Now I don’t shave, I wax, so I’d never had need of a razor. Perhaps this was a good thing. Because that day, I quickly hid one of the razors in my pocket until we were done and I hid it elsewhere in my room. Two weeks later, and a mixture of low inhibitions due to alcohol abuse, morbid curiosity, and tumultuous emotions let me to retrieve the razor. I think I’ve regretted it ever since. 

Yet the twisted part of me loves it. I only cut once that day. I underestimated how sharp the razor was and cut a little too deep. It scared me and I put it away again. But that didn’t stop me wanting to do it again. By that point, everything had been leading up to this moment – my cutting addiction. So I researched where best to cut and where to avoid and how to stay safe even though I’d told myself that I wouldn’t do it ever again. But of course I was lying to myself. I did actually try to stop. But that feeling you get when you feel off and need grounding, or when you haven’t done it for a while, or whatever. I think only self harmers will understand this. It’s like your wrist practically vibrates with the need to be cut. It’s an addicting feeling in and of itself. It’s just screaming at you to be slit. And you’re there just staring at your wrist, every part of your mind in war with itself. Should I, shouldn’t I? But it would just feel so damn good- no, no. Don’t think about. But I just need to, I hate this feeling. Fuck it all, the only thing that will make this go away is to just get it over with. Rinse repeat. And that is how the downwards spiral into self harm starts. 

Truth be told though I don’t think I had any choice in the matter anyway. Looking back, everything had been leading up to this. It’s just one of those things. I realize it is a bad thing, but the other part of me, the twisted part of me, likes it- no, loves it. But it’s at odds with the way I’m starting to get scared. I don’t want to die – but like with any addiction, the more you do it the more you need to do it. The harder, longer, and deeper you need to cut. I mean, whilst I have that razor in my hand, sometimes it takes all my will not to plunge it in any deeper. I wrote all this because I recently relapsed two days ago, and it was the worse I’ve ever done. My whole arm is covered, and it actually makes me feel sick. I can’t bear to look at it – until of course I need that ‘fix’ and then looking at it makes me feel better. It’s almost like whilst the scars are still largely visible, every time you look at them, it sends you back, and you mentally commit the act, which is enough in itself. But once the scars have faded into those little silver marks that are barely visible – that’s when the urge to do it comes back. Until then, I’m safe, even though the addiction is more compelling whilst I’m healing. The healing process kinda symbolizes mental healing too in a way, if you forget about the addiction issues. 

So. Here I am. A victim of my own abuse. I guess it’s like I’m carrying on the cycle my step-dad left behind. The interesting thing is though – the longer he’s away, the more disconnected from reality I feel, and these days I cut for the opposite reasons. Just to feel something. Which in my opinion makes things ten times worse. I’m well aware I’m going through psychological trauma, due to many other symptoms. I think I’m relatively stable now not to need my anti-depressants anymore, as I’ve been off them two week now, but then again maybe they never worked in the first place. Depression due to chemical imbalance and depression due to childhood abuse are two completely different things, after all.  

One other thing I want to mention though before I go, is that there is that sick twisted part of me that likes the blood. I’m not gonna deny, I have a dark side. And I like to revel in it. I love to expose myself to dark things. I start to feel uncomfortable if I’m away from that side of me for too long. I’m not sure if that’s down to psychological conditioning, or what, but I’ve recently denounced Christianity and turned to Luciferianism. It’s an ideology that emphasizes that the dark and the light nature of a person should be allowed to be balanced, much like Taoism. The way this works, is to accept all the dark parts of yourself in order to be able to see the light and grow above and beyond it. Its foundation is in the dark nature of man, rather than religions like Christianity whose foundation lay in the light. I’m not sure whether this is going to affect me negatively, but so far, it’s teaching me not to be ashamed of things like self-harming that are perfectly natural (and scientifically proven to be natural also). And I think that that is the first step to acceptance. So we’ll see how it goes. I can’t say I’ll indefinitely stop, or that I actually want to stop, but that if I’m going to do it I would rather accept it and keep in control of it, rather than letting it control me. 

Also, having to wear long sleeved shirts in summer is a bitch. I should’ve thought that one through.