Jezebel Will Haunt me no Longer

This week I had an astonishing realisation. I can’t really remember what brought me to the point of the realisation itself, but a wave of clarity overcame me like nothing ever before. I believe – it was the key to my eventual full recovery.

For sure experimenting with neurolinguistic programming must have contributed towards the realisation, by realising that I could actively manipulate my imaginations. But all this time I had been so overcome by anxiety and terror that I was blinded from seeing the obvious that had been right in front of me all along.

My therapist used to tell me that Jezebel was a demonic character I had identified with due to all the deep seated feelings I’ve always carried around with me from my step-dad, the feelings of shame, loathing, and self-hatred.

I never saw the connection before, and even then when she and I were discussing it I could not understand it the way she did. The full meaning of her words didn’t sink in until now – and perhaps that’s the great thing about therapy.

My sessions with her are now over, though I have one last one booked in May, where I think all this time I’ve had to assimilate things will be a good thing to conclude the last session with.

Jezebel – that awful demon, had been a living reality to me, the worst and purest evil in all the worlds, physical and spiritual alike. I could not think her name, or think about the psychosis I experienced without being heavily triggered by the memory of her. The name of Jesus became my refuge against my violation of her presence in my life.

But as time went on I realised Jesus really isn’t real, that there is no God, and maybe just accepting that allowed my mind to start processing things. Of course it didn’t occur to me in my traumatised and dissociative state that if Jesus isn’t real, then neither is Jezebel. I mean, it had occured to me, but it hadn’t really occured to me.

What I mean really is that, all this time I’ve known that everything I experienced with the visions of Jesus and God and channeling extraterrestrials and being haunted by ghosts and such, I knew it was all my brain making it up, that they were all a figment of my deluded mind. And yet despite that, I’d not put two and two together and connected the dots that just because when my mum talked to the ‘demon’ inside me and out blurted the name Jezebel, doesn’t mean Jezebel actually existed or was inside me or was the cause of everything. In fact, she was yet just another randon name my mind conjured up from my childhood abuses that I had unconsciously associated with.

I don’t know if that’s very clear. But I think for the first time ever, I was able to see that memory objectively. I was watching it in my mind, the way it played out, the way I was ‘possessed’ by her, the way my mum spoke to her, demanded her name and commanded her to leave. And I was watching the replay, I realised that there was no Jezebel!!! She never existed!!! What had happened in actuality – is that my mum confronted me with her religious associations, which triggered deep unconscious connections in me to Jezebel, as Jezebel as a demon had been a big focus by both her and my step dad as a child. Essentially, my mind made the entire thing up.

And then, when I “accepted Jesus into my heart”, the only way my mind could protect me was to revert to when I first said that prayer at three years old, essentially ‘protecting me’ from Jezebel before I ever had learned of her and knew about her, essentially ‘saving me’ from the ‘evil’ which was ‘possessing’ me. Holy Shit.

I can’t believe I never saw this before, because it’s SO bloody obvious. I was psychotic, and Jezebel doesn’t exist. She is just a very negative complex inside my head that had been built from the abuses of my step-dad and associated with his own arch enemy he used to talk so much about (projection, in actuality) – Jezebel.

MY STEP DAD WAS THE EPITOME OF THE MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTER OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS BASICALLY HOW HE DECIDED TO LIVE ON IN MY MIND.

It’s really that simple! Omg! All this time I have been terrified of her, but now I see through the lie. She is not real, she is not me – she is just a symbolic representation of the abuses I recieved as a child. And this is exactly what my therapist was trying to tell me all this time, but I never fully understood it like this.

Now all I need to do is strip back the image of her covering up my step-dad, and confront my step-dad and say goodbye to him and continue going on my own path. Let him go, let the past go, let the evil go. Let the delusions and hallucinations and illusions go. As Carl Jung said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. Perhaps in my spiritual journey I was so desparate to heal my unconscious complexes that I purposely (in a way) broke myself down to such an extreme extent so that I would eventually realise this and overcome it once and for all. I have to admit, that since the psychosis I have become a person 1000x better than the person I was before.

I have no doubt that the mind is very, incredibly powerful, and that I probably do have an unconscious ‘higher self’ too, not in the sense of being divine, but just the best parts of my mind and myself that haven’t yet been integrated.

So, as you can imagine, I feel an incredible freedom for the first time since I developed this trauma. Of course, it hasn’t stopped the compulsive thoughts about the war between Jesus and Jezebel in my mind – but essentially that’s all it is. Jesus is the good guy, Jezebel is the bad guy (or gal) – it’s the duality within my own self I need to resolve, and once I’ve done that I think the compulsive thoughts should fade away by themselves (even the names are similar, isn’t that weird? Like two parts of the same complex?)

This feels like the beginning of a new life for me. The beginning of true healing, of true living, of true loving. I can give everything up, let it all go, because it’s no longer relevant to me and my life.

Maybe I will always struggle with the ‘Jezebel’ haunting me to an extent, and maybe Jesus will always be there inside me fighting her. I can let them get on and do their thing. In the meanwhile I am going to make it my task to transcend that primeval part of my brain and become more whole than ever.

Yes I have some anxiety writing this – it’s a process. But even just being able to say the word Jezebel and write about her like this is a testament to how much I’ve healed. I was too terrified before to even think about her without falling into a panic attack.

I am okay, I am safe, I am free. There are no invisible bad guys out to get me, no demons, so devils, no satans, no Jezebel’s, I can’t be possessed, I am ME, and everything else was just my shadow messing with me.

I am back to taking a Jungian approach to things again, however with a new neurological approach. I am very interested in the new scientific theories of consciousness which are supposed to solve the hard problems of consciousness, namely integrated information theory and global workspace. It’s too much to go into the detail of the theories themselves and how they even connect, but suffice to say I think the Buddha was right this entire time. Only by looking inside can we become more aware, and then liberate ourselves from our reptilian nature (doesn’t that just say it all?) Demons and gods are the imaginations of an unevolved brain. I’m ready to evolve.

*Takes deep breath and cries due to all the emotions arising*

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Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.

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My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.

Symptoms

Physical:

Migraines
Vomiting
Convulsions
Dizziness
Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Insomnia
Cataplexy
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights

Mental:

Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Dissociation
Altered Identity
Amnesia
Confusion
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.

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New Spiritual Relationship & Rapid Psychological Healing

I haven’t updated for a while, but now it’s 2017!!! Happy new year folks!!! I have been quite preoccupied lately and haven’t felt like writing, and also my camera broke so I can’t get round to doing video blogs either.

A lot has happened in the past month or so? since I last wrote. First thing’s first: I am in a new relationship!!! I am soooooo happy, and we have a soul connection, and we live only ten mins drive away from each other, and are both spiritual people.

The story of how we met is actually quite funny. Because I told myself back in September that I would manifest a new partner by Christmas. Well, the week before Christmas came and I still hadn’t found anyone. So I used Law of Attraction to declare it into my life (using Jesus’ name), and that I would find them within that week.

And then I just had absolute faith that it would happen, I wouldn’t let myself doubt at all. And then you know what happened? I had been on lots of dating sites for the entire past year, so there was nothing unusual about that. But all of a sudden a guy messaged me on a spiritual dating site, this guy I am now in the relationship with (his name is Graeme), and to message others you have to have paid a full subscription, and I didn’t know that. But he said the exact same day I signed up he paid for the full subscription. So we were able to message back and forth and exchange email addresses.

Then I took the plunge to meet him in real life, just as a friend really, but he immediately asked me out on a second date and we hit it off!!! The thing with me actually is that I am literally not able to be attracted to someone unless there is a strong soul connection there. And I’ve literally fallen for him head over heels, and feel more comfortable with him than I’ve ever felt with a guy in my life. I could actually imagine marrying him and having his babies. I know that is way in the future but by the third date I just ‘knew’ I loved him, that I wanted to be with him, and that he is right for me.

But I think initially he was scared by the intense connection and pulled back a bit. I think he needed to make up his mind since I said I wanted a life partner(I apparently don’t use my brain around him and blurt out stupid things). But I think he’s okay with it now, and likes me an awful lot. Which is brilliant.

The connection really is intense, and whilst not as intense as my last relationship (and thankfully so), it is very wonderful and I feel most content than I ever have done in my life. Even though it has brought up a lot of energies and emotions and traumas in me, and it’s not been all smooth sailing, I feel like I could really settle with him and enjoy it.

He doesn’t know yet about my feelings of love for him. At least I still have some of a brain and decided to wait a bit before saying it. But sometimes when we are together the love energies sort of peak for a few seconds and my heart chakra wants to explode – then it passes. I have those kind of waves more and more frequently too especially after meeting for a day. The sexual energies are very intense too, but a comfortable intense. I have to be honest I have never felt so physically compatible with a guy before. Even though with all my sexual trauma from what the demons did to me (not sure I mentioned the rape before on here???) gives me anxiety attacks, I just feel safe with him. And he is being gentle with me. In fact his energy is so incredibly gentle it shocked me at first when I felt it, so much more gentler than feminine energy, but still perfectly masculine. That to me is a feature that makes him very unique. One of the first things I was attracted to. And since then I have made entire archives in my head of all the things I find attractive about him lol.

I will not ramble on too much, but yeah I’m pretty much in love and have not really had any way to express it yet. I will at some point when it feels right, but I think I need to get to know him better first.

Another thing that has happened is that I have gone through an awful lot of growth and integration the past couple of months, I am no longer conflicted spiritually and have settled on a liberal Christian esoteric/mystical worldview, recognizing Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour as well as All That Is, but taking a more laid back approach to the religion. And Jesus seems okay with me about that. And Jesus told me yesterday he has his hand on this new relationship even though Graeme isn’t a Christian (but I don’t mind) – which was comforting because I was worrying a bit about it. So yeah, I’ve developed a really cool relationship with Jesus, and I love spending time with him and getting to know him, and it feels wonderful. Everything just makes much more sense now, like I went through all the pain I did to retrieve lost soul fragments which in turn has made me much more mature now that I am healing and recovering finally. It has taken a year but I am on the mend, and even physically I am getting much better too and less tired and exhausted.

Also in line with all that growth – I don’t psychologically regress to a child nearly as often, and when I do it is not to a five year old anymore. It is more like a ten year old, which is really cool. It’s like that part of me has done a lot of growing up and the two personalities are merging into one. The confusion is not nearly so predominate now and I feel mentally clearer and whole, with less memory gaps and less trouble self-reflecting (a side effect of the trauma I think).

I feel this new relationship has really been forcing me to face myself too which is helping an awful lot. I think really it has just been a mixture of things and I’m starting to come into my own. Still a long way to go yet but I think compared to where I was this time last year I have done incredibly incredibly well, and my life really is better than ever.

The Demiurge is One Sly Son of a Bitch

So, it’s been a while since I lasted posted on here, but I have updated a bit with my new video blog on YouTube. But I haven’t gone into details about the psychic healing I did on that girl with Jesus, which I want to update about now.

The truth is, it’s hard to tell if anything worked, because the exact same night after I worked with her, she saw a psychic surgeon, who apparently works with his own spirit guide (which I don’t really trust, I don’t trust any entities on the spiritual pretending to be helping), and I also think I picked up some negative energy from her because ever since I’ve been tempted to physically swat away annoying spirits around me, and I never had that issue before(they will leave eventually, but it’s a bit of a pain).

On top of that, I did a psychic reading for her, and at first I saw that she had a lot of angelic energy around her (especially in her crown and heart), and I told her so, but shortly after our session I realised that these angelic beings I saw were not angels at all, because I’ve seen real angels and they look nothing alike. They were merely trickster spirits pretending to be angels.

Which gets me onto the next point, that psychic readings and healings don’t really work, because first, any energy healing that you do doesn’t seem to help long term, or even short term, it is just a temporary emotional fix, and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that emotions aren’t reliable, and that entities will use them against you. Which leads me onto the second point, everything we see or sense spiritually is all fed to us from other entities or beings. You know why? Because they can influence and manipulate what we see to further their own agenda.

I did wonder for a while if I commanded those trickster spirits around her to leave, maybe her issues would really be resolved (they weren’t, btw, she still had the same problems afterwards, even AFTER both mine and the psychic surgeon’s session)… but I was just put off by that time, and after some more experiences at home, I’ve become critical again of healing and psychic reading – I’m not saying they’re not real, what I’m saying is more like they are not long term and they are too easily susceptible to being controlled by the Demiurge’s evil agenda.

The reason I say they are not long term, in regards to psychic readings, is that we can actually only see the most likely possibility that a person is going to experience in their life, but since the future isn’t set in stone this possibility changes all the time. I’ve read that is a common issue with psychics. The spiritual realms are just too easily changeable and prone to whimsy.

Now, I feel I’m back to trying to figure things out, trying to understand how Jesus fits in everything, at the same time I’m continuously battling away thoughts like “I don’t believe in Jesus and embrace the dark side, that’s my true nature”… but it’s NOT, I know that. I know who I am (even if that sense of identity is blurred by other people’s energies and other malicious entities), so I’m struggling a lot in that sense, but I wonder sometimes if the war ends once you stop believing there IS one. However, I never believed in evil before I was heavily possessed and that ignorance almost cost me my life, so….

It’s hard to say. Times like this Buddhism feels very attractive because it’s very simple and compatible with science. Christianity can get complex, but on the plus side I can sort of see that perhaps the reason why our inner issues seem to go back and back and back in time to the point where it feels like we’re cursed just for being alive, is because of original sin (and I’m not going to say what that means, apart from the fact that something happened early during our human history that caused humanity to become aware of good and evil, of duality, to perhaps lose our spiritual innocence, and ever since nothing can ever be perfect again)…… but still, I don’t really know if that theory is logical, because science points to evolution, not devolution. So which one is it?

I guess I will just have to muse over some things more, but this is where I am. I don’t know why I happened to do a spontaneous healing session on my mum that time but after observing her carefully she had an emotional high afterwards for a few days, and then I saw her become the most depressed she’d ever been. And I’m not going to naively chalk it up to ‘post-integration’, because that’s bullshit.

I think there is just something more going on that I don’t understand yet, and that healing isn’t what it appears to be, and neither are psychic readings. They are all distorted.

Is there any hope for humanity at all?

Deliverance & Healing With Jesus Christ

This week has been absolutely C-R-A-Z-Y.

I tell you all why, because the first half of it, my panic attacks were returning at full strength, and I was feeling so sick spiritually. And then the second half I was feeling so well I ended up spontaneously delivering my mum from an evil spirit and did a spiritual healing on her from all the new age techniques I’ve learned over the years – plus with the power of the Holy Spirit. What even!!!!!

During the deliverance I was SO badass, like shouting at this spirit to leave, that it had no authority, and such, and then after the entire thing happened, I was terrified again and wallowing in my terrific fears of being possessed. This was after I just did an exorcism!!!

I think Jesus has a sense of humour because I am INCREDIBLY messed up, my aura is in tatters, my soul is broken and fragmented, I have dissociative identity disorder, I am like a full on sinner and swear like all the time (a new development, actually), I feel unworthy of love, of Jesus, feel separated from God almost all the time, and feel generally lost and confused. Not to mention the depression, and hey, I haven’t even read the bible in months!!! Yeah, Jesus has got a sense of humour alright.

But, I think it’s part of my life mission, because I did a guided meditation with Archangel Michael who showed me my future as if I was watching a movie, that I’d go to India and bring the Holy Spirit there through doing exorcisms. What even!!! I didn’t make that up, it was the most vivid vision I’ve EVER had.

I have to admit that I started feeling much better though once I started doing the guided meditations on youtube, as well as self-hypnosis videos. I don’t always go along with it, feeling guided by the Holy Spirit (or my higher self) to go in a different direction, but the videos give me direction and guidance. A framework to work with, to speak.

I prefer doing the guided meditations with the Archangels, with Jesus and Mary, and there are plenty of more traditional Christian ones I haven’t done yet. Theologically I’d say I probably fall within liberal/progressive, I do feel that Jesus literally died to reunite everyone to God (as a Universalist), and that he had to die for that to happen. I can’t explain my reasoning because I don’t understand this from a conservative stance but rather a hermetic place. It’s weird that in the end it was Hermeticism and NeoPlatonism that brought me closer to Christ.

Anyway, I feel that doing the guided meditations has been developing my abilities more, and I don’t really plan to use a lot of it on others, but if God really wants me to become an exorcist/healer then that’s fine, but the Holy Spirit has its own way of doing things. The Holy Spirit uses what I learn and know naturally of course, but there is also the traditional “I cast you out in Jesus’ name”, which works wonders. Maybe it won’t help repair your aura, but it will get rid of evil spirits, and a lot of people need that kind of help.

Clearing my aura and soul is just for my own benefit really. After today I cut all healing cords as a result of habit, even though Christians don’t usually do that, but I’ve decided to do it just in case as a point of caution. I failed to cut cords before and that’s what messed me up. You can take on other’s stuff unconsciously, especially if it’s your own family and close friends.

So yeah, I guess my mission is healing others with a mix of traditional and new age healing techniques, because that’s what happened today.

And on that note, I did a self-hypnosis healing meditation the other day which had me imagine myself in all ages (which was ideal since I have dissociative identity disorder), and for the first time ever, I saw my higher self!!!! I didn’t expect to see my higher self there, but she was this ancient and timeless being, INCREDIBLY wise, I couldn’t believe it, I wasn’t sure these days if a higher self really existed, but there in that moment I couldn’t deny it.

Also, my higher self looked like an alien, lol, not really sure if that’s true and I’m from another planet, but I plan on doing a higher self meditation at some point. But I do feel all this healing is actually working, because my dissociative identity disorder has been getting so much better these past few days!

A Revelation of the Cosmic Christ

I have had an incredible time since the last time I posted! It’s like things have all just clicked into place for me, and I suddenly see and understand everything I was struggling to before.

The revelation happened last night as I was at The Glory School – a Neo-Charismatic Christian School training you in interacting with the supernatural. The past few weeks I’ve gone I’ve struggled to pay attention because I was trying to block out my spiritual abilities. But I’ve gradually opened up to them again through having conversations with Jesus and Mary, and by doing remote viewing, and psychic reading, and such.

All that stuff is very easy for , and I figure as long as I connect to the good stuff I shouldn’t bump into anything untoward. And so far, I haven’t. Though I’ve viewed some dark entities, and they spot me, but I just shut them out. It’s as easy as that.

Lately, I’ve also been paying a greater attention to my psychic defence. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ over me because I know first hand just how powerful it is. I do a visualisation imagining it flowing around me and through me. I do this for about five minutes two-three times a day. Paying attention to my aura shows me just how horrible it looks right now – so many negative energies, and I found a ghost in my sacral chakra, but I commanded it out in the name of Jesus.

Really I am just mixing a bit of new age into a fundamental Christian outlook. I finally feel at peace with it, because here comes the amazing revelation I had last night. I was sat in glory school, and all of a sudden I had this vision of Christ filling up the whole universe, and then the bible verses about him sustaining the whole of creation and that all things are made in him, and it suddenly clicked – Jesus is Christ Consciousness!!! Jesus is the unique human incarnation of the Logos, which is the Son of God, the First Born of the Father and the Creator of all things.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

What was this light? It wasn’t the sun because that was made on day four. Most Christians assume it was Jesus Christ, and they are right, the Light is the first thing to come into existence as an emanation of the Unknowable One. Think Hermeticism again. And then as a result of Light emanating from The One (aka the Father or Nous), duality was created, darkness was formed, and nature appeared from darkness, refer again to Genesis 1:2.

Everything just made perfect sense in that moment! But Jesus was always Christ, not just a self-realised enlightened man. He is literally the first emanation of God. He is what more liberal mystical Christians these days call ‘The Cosmic Christ’, both a person, and a force, an energy that pervades everything, and through looking for unity in the Universe, I was really just trying to find the Logos, which is Christ. And as I realised this, I realised that all along I already knew Jesus! And that I did already love him.

I was leaning towards hard polytheism but after this major revelation I’d say I can’t be anything now other than Panentheistic. This is amazing!! Jesus really spoke to me. And since I believe he’s much more loving than fundamentalists tend to make out, I get the feeling he doesn’t mind me mixing a bit of Esoteric practice in. Today I bought some Frankincense and Myrrh incense to burn, to clear the space energetically and to invoke the Holy Spirit, and it was a really beautiful experience. Me and my mum were together and our angels appeared at the smell and started hugging us. 🙂

Also, I decided to start channeling the ‘Christ Light’ energy through me, for healing, and did a self-attunement to it, with Jesus’ permission, and want to work much more on my chakras and energy now(which the Chios Energy Healing technique, I should mention). And light is only one of five Christian modalities I want to work with. Light is equivalent to Aether, then there is Oil which burns up and is equal to Fire, then there’s Breath which is Air, Living Water which is obviously water, and Salt (holy salt, ‘salt of the earth’), which is Earth. They all coincide with the five elements!!! How cool is that. So I could make my own Elemental summoning ritual. And have the actual elements present during the ritual! I really want to focus on this kind of thing so I’ll get energetically stronger and nothing can mess with me again. At Glory School I decided to take a quick peek at my Pastor’s aura and it was so protected that there was no chance of me breaking through and seeing her. In fact there was nothing negative around her at all. It was incredible! Just perfect and pure.

I think really I’m just in an integration stage. Putting all the pieces together, and developing my own practice, in a way that lets me be creative, but also honours my Christian community. Hopefully one day I can use my healing and psychic abilities to help others, once I finally am strong enough!