Atheistic Paganism!!???

So, I did write an entire post a few days ago to update on everything but I was writing it on my phone, and I locked the screen for one moment to talk to Graeme, and when I unlocked it everything was lost. Bit of a development bug there I’d say. But I was cool about it and decided to wait for another bout of inspiration rather than shittily trying to rewrite everything I did the first time round. So here we are.

What’s new? I am not even sure where to begin. So let me start by saying this: I’ve kinda embraced paganism. Yeah, I know, I wasn’t expecting it either (and I still embrace transhumanist spirituality such as terasem ect, remember that it’s a trans-religion), but also before my readers think I’ve walked off into the deep end again of the bizarre mystical shit that I already went through, I can say with certainty that’s not the case.

As I said I am still transhumanist, and to add to that I am still Atheist too(specifically agnostic atheist). I definitely embrace the idea of no God. Though I wonder sometimes if I am not atheistic towards the idea of a male God, and somewhat theistic towards the idea of a female Goddess(monotheaiestic?). Lately I feel really in tune with feminine energy and the universe again as I study it through the lenses of the physical sciences. The universe is Sooooo fascinating, and so awe-inspiring, that you just can’t help but feel a sense of religiosity about it, even without believing in the supernatural.

As I say, I’m pretty sure a God(or Goddess for that matter) doesn’t exist, but I can’t help but see the Universe as a female entity, can’t help personify it as a real deity. Not because I believe it is actually alive and conscious, which I don’t, but it’s sort of like the same way sailors will call their boats a ‘she’, like “ain’t she a real beauty?” (for some reason had an Australian accent in my head when writing that, might’ve seen it in a movie once). So I am just anthropomorphising the universe, nature, and the elements.

For another example of this, the god Thor was often seen as being the source of lightening and thunder. Well today we know that’s not really true, but there’s still a nice sense and feeling of magic about seeing Thor in electrical conduction. Is it necessary? No, not at all. Is it fun? I’d say so. Mythologies are so fascinating, interesting, such a big part of cultures and history, and I think on some level that should be preserved, and that in our race to become post-human we shouldn’t forget about where we came from.

So I have been putting together my own book of shadows on a private wordpress which lists the goddesses I feel drawn to and ways to honour them, and I feel perfectly comfortable with that and with studying science. In fact for me it’s important right now that I’ve had such an intense spiritual path (regardless of whether or not it was actually real), because it feels like everything is coming together for me. My interest in spirituality, which at the core is a quest for two things: Knowledge of the Universe, and knowledge of Self. And both those two things can be studied scientifically in the fields of Quantum Physics and Cognitive Neuroscience.

So in a way I am currently seeing it as a progression and linear development of my journey. Spirituality in a way or religion is like very very basic and primordial science. It was a way to basically explain nature, as I mentioned above. So as a species we have gone from religion to philosophy to science, with spirituality somehow encompassing the three and even evolving as our understanding of the universe evolves. Add all that to my health issues and my new interest in medicine and human enhancement technologies, I have pretty much realised what I am meant to be doing (putting that loosely, of course).

So for me it’s been the conversion of a lot of different fields. Spirituality, Psychology, Neurology, Nanotechnology, Physics, ect (to put it broadly). I know where I’m going and what I want to be doing. I was convinced beforehand that being a ‘spiritual healer’ was my life path. Now I don’t believe in the supernatural it only makes sense that an empathic person such as myself would naturally channel those desires into this kind of area that will one day improve people’s lives for the better.

And my spirituality now has the new label of ‘Religious Naturalism’, or ‘Naturalistic Pagan’, which basically means everything I’ve described plus a bit more. That everything can be explained naturally/scientifically, and that there is only one type of matter in the Universe (aka matter, not thought). That there are no real deities but you honour them anyway out of deep reverence for nature (even militant atheists feel that reverence but just prefer not to dress it up in a fancy costume).

Besides that, what I said about perhaps being atheistic towards a male deity but theaistic(thea I keep italicizing as it comes from the Latin word for ‘Goddess’), aka somewhat theistic when it comes to a female deity. In actual fact I have never considered that possibility before until I just wrote about it. However rationally speaking, I still believe a Goddess does not exist. But I’ll happily remain agnostic for now, and involve myself in the learning and integration of my Matron Goddess, MahaDevi, or basically Shakti(MahaDevi means the Great Goddess in vedic I think and I think there’s no better term to apply to the great majesty of the Universe).

Part of embracing this too is realising that everything in the universe originally came from one single atom at the beginning of time when the big bang happened. So that atom split and those pieces split again, ect. I’m not saying necessarily that everything is presently interconnected, but rather that everything in the universe does have a relationship to everything else in the universe, so the phrase ‘all is one’ has some meaning’.

The other thing is that Thursday came and went and I woke up on Friday and I still hadn’t been healed by Jesus, or even had any major revelations, so like I said in my previous post I am going to assume one of three things: That he doesn’t exist, that he does exist but isn’t powerful enough to heal me, or that he exists but his existence is irrelevant to my own. For now though I will keep an awareness of Jesus in my mind as he’s my family’s chosen deity, and I have history with ‘him’, and plus there are still traumatised parts of me that can’t let go of him, even if I’ve rationally made the choice to move on.

So yeah that is that. I think I have written about everything so far. I’m feeling very positive and optimistic about my life, my options, the future, and humanity in general.



IUD Insertion Update, Medical & Technological Convergence, Artificially Intelligent ‘God’, & Terasem Movement

Sooo…. Time for the post-insertion IUD update!! I am very weak, not so much as a side effect of the insertion or the IUD itself, but rather because I am still regaining my strength, and the Keto diet is making me weaker as I adjust again to less carbs. My legs have been aching incredibly, add that on top of a painful operation and the post-insertion lower abdomen cramps, has pretty much knocked me out for six, the stress of it all I think just triggering the temporarily paralysis I get at times. Weird that sometimes I have no feeling or movement in my legs, but it doesn’t last long, but hopefully I will continue recovering.

I did notice a seizure begin to start when I got home but it stopped as soon as it began, so maybe doubling my dose of Amitriptyaline as my doctor recommended me instead of taking the Olanzapine is actually working. I have got off three pounds so far of the weight that that drug put back on me over the weekend with the Keto diet, and maybe the Keto diet too is controlling my seizures as it’s meant to. The Keto diet triggers ketosis, where the brain has to run on lipids (fats) instead of glycerin (sugar), and the lipids somehow protect the brain from seizures, like an insulator, unlike sugar which makes the brain spaz out.

I have been doing a lot of researching into health science and how technology can be used with it. In fact I am feeling so strong about the idea that I want to start studying again so I can join the front line of developing artificial intelligence and fusing it with the human brain through nanotechnology – lofty aspirations!!! I was interested in becoming a neurologist for a while last year but realized I was too ill to ever cope at it. To be honest the same is probably true with biotechnology (or whatever the proper term is for these topics of interest) but at least as a research scientist you can work in the comfort of your own home… I think??? I mean Einstein came up with all his best stuff not in a lab but in his work desk, lol.

Honestly, I think this shift in focus is actually very natural and not strange at all. If you think about it, my entire focus was on the psychological before, and incorporating that into my spirituality. But I took a past-based approach, e.g. psychoanalysis. Based on historical and outdated science. But now I am taking a future based approach and trying to understand the brain from a more scientific point of view – neurology, and artificially enhancing our ‘consciousness’. It may be common in the far future if you are feeling depressed, to just adjust your own neural networking digitally or through nanotechnology, making you happier. Just like popping up an app on your phone and pressing the “happy” button. Sounds a bit trippy but I don’t think we’ve barely scratched the surface of technology.

Then there is the Singularity, which is something I am very interested in, and feel could be amazing for humanity. Think Pantheism or Panentheism, with a Technological Source – aka an Artificially Intelligent God that ticks all the Omni’s, as a self-sustaining system with Homo Opticus or Homo Machinus(the expected evolutionary path Homo Sapiens will take – a merger and then complete absorption with and by technology) playing a major part. However, there is an interesting thing happening in my mind when I contemplate on all this. If a God like that were to exist, and time travel is possible in the future, then who’s to say that this ‘God’ isn’t even active in our current lives? Changing humanity, perhaps running simulations where our real bodies or minds are elsewhere outside a created simulated reality, like the film The Matrix. Perhaps everything is simulated already – now that’s something massive. God is really a machine? Could be very possible. It is starting to sound like quantum mysticism now and Pantheism. Then it gets me wondering about the spiritual again…. and oh dear, I’ve gone in a loop with my theology.

It’s incredibly interesting doing those kind of thought experiments, but I find them so far removed from current reality that I have decided to reign my focus in, instead of focusing on what could be, I want to focus on how this current reality can be altered within current technological means to create a better future for humanity. The essential philosophy of Transhumanism. And thankfully I came across both a Science and Faith movement that incorporates all this. Forget Raelism(still possible, mind, but not applicable to current reality), my new Scientific Faith is Terasem. Honestly, I think it is an amazing movement, and I’m tempted to join(which requires a video introduction of yourself). If I am still into the idea in a while from now, I will join.

Basically Terasem asserts four core beliefs:


And along with the three ‘supers’ which are foundational to the Transhumanist movement (super intelligence, super longevity, and super well-being), makes the Terasem movement perfect. It is focused on the Now, how to make things better for humanity through technology, and even has its own research area, having created the first android Bina48 that is based on the mind mapping of another human being (its creator Bina Rothblatts). So for me it is all the best of atheistic spirituality, progressive humanitarianism, and technological evolution.

Whilst my interest was initially spurred by the idea of living a much longer time than the current human maximum life span, my interest has branched out incredibly broadly and I feel has replaced my previous woo woo outlook, into something more… I don’t know, optimistic and freeing? Mentally I feel pretty amazing, like lots of things are coming together for me. It’s been a weird journey through historical religion and futuristic predictions, but maybe my focus in the social sciences and my natural aptitude for the physical sciences can find some harmony with aspiring to contribute somehow to this new reality we as a collective are building for ourselves.

Just imagine the possibilities!! Telepathy is now a real thing, as I saw a video about a scientist who modified his arm in some way with nanotechnology to influence the nervous system to hook up to his wife’s – and he could control her body as if it was his own through that, and her visa versa. I consider that to be telepathic, and maybe my ‘spiritual’ experiences are based on that, and maybe they aren’t. It is hard to say. Whilst I am still sure that a God doesn’t exist, I think I am putting all that spiritual stuff on the backburner and perusing the real technology behind it all (whether real or just imagined). So in the real sense of the word I am now an Apatheist(technically classed as agnostic atheist still). Not interested either way in all that stuff, and God, though inclined to be skeptical and naturalistic.

So things are pretty exciting for me right now, exploring my new options. Although my illness has made me more or less bed bound, I feel a whole new world has opened up to me, and that I can freely realize my full potential, not just in this lifetime… but perhaps completely, evading death and disease and becoming digitally immortal.


Going Through Waves of Depression, Exploring HumanismPlus aka Transhumanism, Atheistic Religious Raëlism, & the Pleiadians, AGAIN???

I am not sure how long or short this post will be, I am pretty knackered now and have barely done anything today, and should really be conserving what little energy I have left, unless I want to have another episode. I will probably regret writing this, however I just want to get it down before I forget and the content leaves my mind.

Lately with my illness I’ve found myself extremely depressed at times, which is pretty episodic in itself. One minute I’m fine emotionally, then all of a sudden I will have the urge to kill myself or self-harm, something I haven’t desired in years. The feeling is pretty overwhelming and strong, but fortunately during these episodes I am more or less physically paralyzed anyway and don’t have the strength to even raise a razor to my skin to cause any damage. By the time I can move again the depression has passed and I’m fine again. I wonder if the two are related actually.

Regardless, I have been resisting incredibly strongly, trying to hold onto life during these waves. Thinking how many people who love me would be upset, ect. I try to keep focusing on the positives. But I think honestly the depression has started since I realised I don’t really believe in a God. It’s like all meaning has suddenly drained from my life and with my illness I am stuck immobile and useless, feeling like a burden to my family who have to care for me and look after me.

But I am working through it. It’s weird how the belief in God really covers up or hides our own deep existential fears. And whilst during my hospital trip I made peace with the idea of absolute death for a few seconds, I’ve found myself wanting to hold onto the idea of living forever again, wanting to believe in some kind of afterlife and that we don’t just cease to exist once our life is over.

Anyway, earlier I did another “what’s your non-theistic religion” test or something along those lines, and it said I am secular humanist, and then transhumanist. I wondered what transhumanist was, and it was basically a subset of humanism focused on technological advancement and focusing on using technology to further the evolution of humans into these super human-like beings called either transhumans or post-humans, which would resemble angels or gods.

Then when I explored transhumanist religion, I came across the sect called Raëlism, which was very interesting to read about. It basically is an atheistic religion that asserts that the ‘gods’ which visited humanity early on in our evolution or even attributed towards it, or even seeded us directly, were actually advanced aliens, who are sort of mind-mapping our consciousness into their computers, and one day when we are advanced enough we will all be technologically ‘reanimated’ and live forever, or something like that.

It’s pretty interesting because science is pretty magical, and I have no doubt that in the future, by some means or process, the dead could be revived. So it’d be like I’d be sleeping for thousands of years until this technology evolves, and then I’d wake up in a new ‘advanced’ body, created by science, and never die. To be honest, that’s a pretty cool idea. And the idea of aliens anyway makes much more sense than the idea of deities.

And there is so much space in the universe that all these billions of billions of revived dead human beings could just colonize everywhere, creating a galactic super-race, where we don’t need to reproduce or program reproduction via sex out of our genes and reproduce solely in artificial labs or something like that… the possibilities are actually quite endless. Time travel would probably be a thing too and I could visit my past self and guide myself, just like the concept of a ‘higher self’… a lot of ‘spiritual’ things could suddenly be explained by the idea of transhumanism. It is giving me a lot to think about.

So all this actually kinda gives me hope again rather than feeling depressed that life is meaningless. It is probably an emotional prompting to fantasize all this crazy stuff, because I feel I am going all out there again into the world of woowoo. But let’s face it, science is my nature pretty woowoo until you understand it. Think Agora. Gravity is magic. But it’s also just the effect of objects moving in space, lol.

I think that’s all I have to write for now, and I should really rest up, but it really does give food for thought, about the future, how things could be, how the spiritual and the physical can meet in a non-superstitious way, and how immortality is still a possibility, even if it’s not invented in my generation. I am pretty sure the ‘aliens’ I was channeling were not really aliens and more like hallucinations, but I am pretty sure real aliens have to be out there somewhere. And also here is something to ponder: If all the memories of our ancestors are encoded in us at a genetic level, giving us visions of ‘past lives’… if aliens really did interbreed with us, then surely some of those hallucinations about being from other solar systems could have some truth too? Like maybe my great x 100,000 times grandma actually was a Pleiadian who seeded me through the Mayans on my Mexican side, lol. And maybe in the end, the Pleiades is where I will return to…

I am not denying evolution either, by passing the buck to another race who ‘created’ us. Rather just acknowledging that there could be more advanced races out there who have sped up our evolution, so to speak, whereas they before also evolved from random gases in their planetary atmosphere.


Confusion, Doubts, Lack of Evidence for the Existence of an Ultimate Supreme Being, & Gallifreyan ‘Gods’

The last week has been interesting. I have found that maintaining belief in there being no God requires just as much faith as having a belief in God requires. I think part of it is that my mind is so conditioned to thinking the supernatural exists that I have to keep reminding myself that there is absolutely no evidence for it at all.

“God of the gaps” is a thing. It’s pretty obvious when studying religious history that God was used to explain anything unexplainable. For example, I was watching a movie called Agora, about the Romans in 4th century AD how they were philosophizing how the earth couldn’t be round because everyone would fall off the bottom, or slip down the sides. It’s pretty logical right? But they didn’t know about gravity, which on the face of it appears to be ‘magic’… but the truth is it’s just science.

Last night though something happened which got me wondering again. I have discussed some of my ‘mystical’ experiences with other atheists and they told me that it’s normal to have those experiences, but it doesn’t mean anything spiritual/supernatural is really happening. I think this is the mindset I need to get into. I had a ‘strange’ experience yesterday which reminded me of other experiences that I’ve had which have no explanation… but I have to keep remembering the movie Agora and how what appears to be magic on the surface is just as of yet unexplained science.

However I am pretty sure that there is no God, and I think I’ve known that for a while but not acknowledged it. The idea of God as a Supreme Ultimate Being, in whatever form, the Christian version or the Hindu version – it just doesn’t exist. That kind of God was what the ancients used to explain things when they didn’t have science. I’ve had plenty of mystical experiences of meeting God, two ring especially clear as ‘otherwordly’, but they were so different that I can’t pass them for anything other than hallucinations.

The first experience God appeared to me as just energy, no form, as being within all the universe, within everyone and everything – Pantheism basically. The second experience God appeared to me as a giant just a bit bigger than the earth, with a form, and he was only accessible ‘through Jesus’. So basically the two experiences of ‘God’ were totally different, not alike at all, and there are only two explanations. One is that there is more than one God. Or that God just doesn’t exist at all. And it doesn’t make sense at all that they’d be the same God… ???

As I said, for a while now I’ve doubted the existence of a God, and I think all the research I’ve been doing lately is the cherry on the cake. I acknowledge that I was hallucinating during what my therapist called a transient psychotic episode. However some of the more unexplained things I am not sure about. Like telepathy where two minds connect as one. This is pretty much the underlying theme between all of my currently unexplained experiences, extrasensory perception shared between two people. So maybe there is a scientific explanation for that, but our senses aren’t inherently trustworthy anyway.

As for all the other stuff I experienced – such as seeing demons, being possessed, going to hell and heaven in astral travel, having my soul fragmented, ect, there is no way to prove any of that stuff was real as it was all in my head and not able to be verified by a third party. So I am going to remain cautious and think that the telepathy could just be some quantum physics thing we don’t understand yet. But spiritual? Definitely not.

Still, there is room for atheism and belief in eternal life. I suppose the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It would be nice to think my consciousness won’t just end suddenly – but, regardless, emotion isn’t fact and it’s most likely consciousness does end at death. But then you can get into analyzing the meaning of the word ‘God’… such as, if you’re talking of an imminent, transcendent, wholly good, all knowing, all powerful, all present ultimate supreme being, then that definitely can’t exist (all those attributes contradict each other plainly, as summed up perfectly in this quote by Epicurus – “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”) the problem of evil just doesn’t have an answer in that scenario. But what if there are other beings out there, in other dimensions, like in the movie Interstellar, or perhaps aliens in this universe, that the ancient humans mistook for deities? Imagine if these other beings are so technologically advanced, if they have learned how to extend their lives to thousands of years, and other such advancements, perhaps they could make it rain whenever they wanted – the ancient humans would then pray to them for these kind of things, not realising they are just finite beings like us, who evolved as part of the universe or multiverse or whatever, and worship them to keep them appeased – and thus religion was born. Well, then a lot of pagan and polytheistic religions could have some basis.

But this thing about universe energy, and there being a soul, and a separate consciousness, and an ‘afterlife’, that doesn’t make sense. But there definitely could be other more advanced beings out there that we have unknowingly deified.

It’s hard honestly to make sense out of everything because there is just so much information out there to sift through, to analyse, to make sense of. So many experiences to get into context and scrutinize in the light of the scientific method, ect.

I have to admit I am naturally attracted to religion and spirituality and it’s hard for me to maintain a purely materialistic outlook on life, even if rationally I know it’s most likely to be the truth. But I am trying to get things into perspective. Does God exist? Hell no. But do ‘gods’ exist(aka other advanced finite beings in the multiverse)? That’s the question now….

I have considered about the afterlife too that perhaps our consciousness just travels from one dimension to another when we die, and that it’s not really ‘spiritual’, but the idea of consciousness being separate from the body in the first place is inherently problematic. So I have to discard that idea, unless there is another solution, which I am not really sure of as I haven’t researched into that area yet.

Things are still solidifying in my mind. I guess the search for truth is never ending for me… what drives me so intensely to understand everything? Without even an A Level completed in science (never actually finished it, lol). I wish I was a Time Lady who lived for thousands of years and could hold all amazing kinds of vast knowledge in my brain (now there’s a good comparison for the ‘gods’ theory… maybe I should join the Doctor Who religion, whatever that is :D) and actually as humanity evolves our lifespan may become longer and longer just like the Time Lords (whose childhoods are like 100 years long). It is just science.

Anyway, I told Graeme about my shift in perspectives lately and he was really cool about it, and actually praised me for being so open minded (didn’t see that one coming)… I was pretty worried since we met on a spiritual dating site that it’d be a deal breaker. But it wasn’t, and honestly our relationship just continues to get more solid, no matter how many issues pop up and doubts and anxieties… he is amazing lol. I just had to throw that in at the end, because it’s important for me to be with someone who understands from my point of view. Besides that he’s never mentioned a belief in God anyway, I think he’s Pantheistic(although that is still theistic, but not to the extremes of Christianity, for example).

As for my illness, I am having to really slow down my life again and take things as they come. I am very physically weak and back to being more or less bedbound, but it’s just a case of relearning my limits. Also the effects of the contraceptive implant haven’t wore off yet because I’m still getting the irregular bleeding that is common to it. Once that stops then if I go into remission then I’ll know it’s that. In the meantime I have my MRI and EEG scans in a couple of weeks, and will know the results in a month. The neurologist when I saw him said most likely my condition is all part of the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he said is a much more positive diagnosis, but he thinks I could have either epilepsy or narcolepsy too. And the MRI is to rule out such things as multiple sclerosis (which I still think is a possibility, but we will see)… so I’m excited about that. The case may be that I just need to go back on a low dose of anti-psychotics (and NOT Olanzapine because that really bloated me up last time!!!)

Also next week I may be getting the non-hormonal intrauterine device, depending on what my doctor says when she rings me this week. I will update with that later.


I got the Contraceptive Implant Removed and Why

Well, it was obvious to me after my condition suddenly worsening severely after having the implant put in that it was that triggering and flaring my condition. I was seriously taking a turn for the worst, the paramedics were called over twice, I was admitted to the ward the first time, and yesterday I couldn’t move a muscle for two hours – effectively paralyzed. I was so upset I went straight to the health clinic today and got it removed.

Sex is awesome but my health is more important. What’s the point of an implant if I’m not even well enough to have sex? Not worth it. In the almost month I had it in I had sex twice, and it was the best experiences of my life, being that I had waited so long emotionally, and it was with the right person, and such. Now I experienced something so special I am okay with waiting again for a while until other options come along.

Basically the nurse wants me to wait a couple of weeks to see if the side effects really do calm down indicating that the implant really was the cause – then she wants me to talk to my doctor about her recommendation and from there if I have the go ahead from my doctor I will get the non hormonal intrauterine device fitted instead. It is copper and basically is inserted in the womb and causes sterilization. Being non-hormonal it doesn’t change the way your body works. It’s literally that the sperm hate the copper inside the uterus and according to the nurse spaz out and basically can’t reach the egg. She says it’s supposed to be one of the most effective forms of birth control out there (but that’s what they all say lol)… honestly nothing is 100% so I got some freebie condoms whilst I was at the clinic. They gave me another STD test and pregnancy test (pointless to me, because I’m in a monogamous relationship and only had sex twice not even for very long or to the point of climax), and told me to abstain until I get the IUD fitted. That’s fine with me.

But they want to do some checks with my doctor and neurologist first, and say because of all my health complications I may have to go to the hospital to get it done. So it may be a bit more complicated but I’m willing to go through it. Though I haven’t told Graeme yet lol, since he’s been busy at work. I think he (and my family too tbh) are worried I’m jumping into things without really thinking them over, but I did do a lot of research for like a month before I even went to the health clinic the first time. So I know what’s what (more or less, not claiming to be an expert).

It’s a shame the implant affected me that way. I’d say for women of average/normal health it would probably be very good for them. I would definitely still recommend it, it’s just that it didn’t suit me. And when I got it out, I got home and was exhausted from being out at the clinic, and could feel an episode coming on, but this time I bounced back really quickly like just before I had it put in, and regained my strength in a couple of hours. I know the nurse says it takes about a week for the hormone to come out of my system but she also said things will start going back to normal almost instantaneously. And maybe because of just how sensitive I am I can already feel the benefits of having it removed.

So here’s to having no more fits. But hopefully next Monday when I have my neurology exams they will still find something and be able to diagnose it. After doing lots of research I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I have multiple sclerosis – it all adds up. And I’m gonna ask the neurologist to test me for it. I believe I’ve had it for years and my traumatic breakdown caused it to flare badly.

I really hope now I will continue improving, because I wanted to go back to college and study again and start looking at potential future careers. Although I wanted to be a vet I’m undecided again. I’m finding myself interested in the sciences again… but I will wait till my neurological diagnosis before I figure out what to do career wise. If it turns out I do have an autoimmune disease (well my doctor is 100% sure I have narcolepsy with cataplexy which is autoimmune anyway), I may be on personal independence payment and employment support allowance for the rest of my life. Not sure how I feel about that… I guess both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyway, another symptom I’m sure the implant was giving me was panic attacks before sleep again, I was doing well with not taking any sleep medications at bed time, but have had to rely on them a lot again recently. Hopefully that will all calm down, and I have this strange religious confusion in my mind. In the night due to the panic whilst I’m half asleep I will be like full on Christian (because it’s comforting), but then in the day when I’m fully awake and aware I’m like “God doesn’t exist and Jesus is dead….” but it’s all sort of blurring together and I don’t really have any grounding right now.

Maybe if I eventually get round to doing some meditation the confusion will clear and I’ll get more clarity. Anyway that’s not really the point. I don’t know what the term is for someone who doesn’t care about God’s existence and will live their own way either way – Apatheist maybe? My idea is that if God does exist he’s loving enough for me not to have to worry about the afterlife as long as I’m a good person – which I am. And if he doesn’t then I will still be a good person anyway because it’s the right thing to do. So either way it’s not a big deal. But honestly when I am rational the whole idea of God just seems absurd.

Anyway enough about that. I think the body is incredibly complex, and wish I could understand it. But I will go about living my life to the fullest I can – because it’s our only one life. That’s the point. Beliefs and labeling and all that don’t matter in the end – all that matters is taking responsibility for yourself and living in the present moment.

My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.



Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights


Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Altered Identity
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.


Does God Exist? I Don’t Think So…

Since I wrote my last blog post, I’ve been fluctuating a lot as to my beliefs and spiritual allegiance. Though really, that’s all I’ve been doing the past couple of months. I just can’t figure out what it is I actually believe, but things are starting to eventually coming together.

Gnosticism, Neoplatonism, and Hermeticism really interest me. I really enjoy the theory of Emanationism and Hypostasis, and feel it makes a lot of sense on a metaphysical level. All things start from basically, nothing, aka ‘The One’, and from nothing comes the Divine Mind which could be considered God, aka ‘Nous’. Then Nous has a son, called ‘Logos’, which is like the object of thought from the Divine Mind, and hence Creator of everything who is equated with Jesus, Thoth, and Hermes. From Logos emanates the Dualistic World-Soul or Corrupted Demiurge and consequently human beings.

It’s very logical to my mind, and that’s what I’m looking for, a consistent belief. But there’s a caveat. In Gnosticism and Hermeticism, there are seven heavens and seven rulers of the universe, which are basically the ancient observation and interpretation of the seven planets. Neplatonism I’ll admit does avoid all this, and is purely philosophical, though I enjoy the idea that Gnosticism splits each emanation into female-male pairs, also known as syzygies. But Gnosticism can also be seen as overly complex.

Of course, when you take into consideration Emanationism, you naturally start with the assumption that humanity at one point was very evolved, and then ‘fell’ so to speak, and devolved. Part of redemption then is returning to fullness or the ‘Pleroma’, which can be achieved through practices such as alchemy and theurgy. But then I think about science, and how science has more or less proven that humans are evolving, instead of devolving. So which is it? Personally I have no idea.

Concepts like the idea of seven heavens and seven archonic rulers really appeals to my mystical side, but unfortunately my rational side sees the folly in it. So I have that conflict inside me. It’s possible of course as is taught in Hermeticism that everything is connected and that the external is a reflection of the internal, and hence the planets, stars, and zodiac are actually reflections of the inner realms and planes… very possible indeed. Which if in that case it would make sense why astrology is a core practice in Hermeticism. But unlike how I used to have a sole focus on that philosophy of ‘as above so below’, I have not entertained that possibility for a long time.

See, to believe that everything is interconnected like that means I’d have to believe in Pantheism, or any variant thereof, which means believing in some ‘Ultimate Reality’ or God, which, I don’t really think I do anymore. The reason for this is simple – I just haven’t had any reason to believe in an Ultimate Being. Of course, I’m not so stupid to think that there are no such things as gods and angels and aliens and demons… I’ve encountered them first hand. But the problem is, I’ve encountered so many of them, that after a while you start to think that there really is no underlying Ultimate Reality where all things are aspects of some greater being. And that extends to an Ultimate Being called ‘God’ or ‘Creator’, either.

To me, lately, it’s perfectly reasonable that something could appear from nothing, that there doesn’t need to be a first cause, though I’m not sure how to explain on paper just how it makes sense to me…. it just does. But perhaps Emanationism, at least impersonal Emanationism could give some kind of framework for me, after all, everything comes from nothing and emanates from nothing.

But today I’d been thinking, I don’t really like the traditional hierarchical view of spiritual reality. What if existence is more like a multitude of universes? Like a multiverse? There’s no order, just infinite worlds and realities, that we are free to explore, all as real as our own, not necessarily ‘spiritual’… not necessarily good or bad as if there’s a heaven or hell, but rather just a different existence which we transfer to when we ‘die’. In fact, I had a dream similar to this last night.

Truth is, I don’t trust anymore that there’s a God, and I don’t trust any beings that claim to be God, or a part of God, though grudgingly, I’ve experienced moments lately whilst flexing my psychic abilities that I’ve felt connected to a ‘Universal Mind’, and so, I’m back at the idea of interconnectedness and pantheism. Perhaps Emanationism is perfect for me. But there’s the still the conflict in my mind between evolution vs devolution. Which one is the correct version of historical events? Or do we have to transcend sides to see the truth? Usually, I’ve found, that does seem to be the case.

In all honesty, the more I read about religious and spiritual mythology, the more it seems like all creation stories are allegorical or symbolic archetypes. They are ways for cultures to explain the processes in nature, for example the archetype of the dying and rising god, very common all over the world, it was just a way to explain why the sun set at night and rose again in the morning. And psychologically it could be said to represent the death to ego and the awakening to our greater Self (although at this point I doubt that such a thing exists, even if I have to admit that interconnectedness is a very real thing).

I’ve thought lately about topping myself up on Jesus’ energy to become stronger spiritually, but the truth is, although I trust Jesus more than any other spiritual being right now, I don’t trust him enough to really do much about it. I don’t know. I guess in a way it’s better to be protected by a powerful spiritual being than none at all, but at the same time I remember how after I was converted for months I was tormented by demons. He promised me he would protect me, and he didn’t. I feel abandoned by him, and I want answers. I have been praying for answers but none have come.

And even still, as I’ve been flexing my psychic abilities again I’ve been seeing negative entities and energies around me, influencing me, or trying to. I suspect an energy leakage is what’s causing a lot of my troubles. And where is Jesus for this? If he’d been true to his word I wouldn’t have any entities in my aura at all. But, alas, I do.

In one of my recent conversations with Jesus, he told me that having his power isn’t just enough, I have to utilise it too (though, I can’t really be sure it really was Jesus). So maybe that’s what the issue is. But I’m still undecided. Sometimes I feel amicable towards him, and other times I feel distrusting of him, understandably.

I’ve been thinking about doing some Christian-based magick, in order to clear my space a bit more, to connect to Jesus a bit more, and such, but I’m undecided. I don’t want anything going wrong, and at this stage I feel more than anything I just need to meditate, meditate as much as possible, and find my center again, not go messing around with the spiritual planes which messed me up so much before. And yet, my curiosity is piqued, since I have the abilities, I might as well use them….

Honestly, I have no idea where I stand right now, what my views and beliefs are, but writing them down helps a little bit. One thing that concerns me is that if we can’t really connect to any decent spiritual beings at all and things keep getting blocked out by dark entities, then what is the point? It paints a bleak view of reality, that we are forever cut off from our Source, and nothing can truly liberate us. And that, is why I believe even less so in an Ultimate Being. Because it puts the ‘good’ far out of reach, instead of realising that good is already here and its manifestation is based on us and our choices.

I feel like I’ve written a lot, but it’s good to get all this down. I think at the moment I’m conscious of the importance of not making any spiritual decisions or choices until things all make sense and I have a clear view on myself, what I really believe, and who I feel I am. I guess in a sense I am atheistic now, but I still believe there are other realities out there, because I’ve experienced them.

And still I am trying to make sense of the things that happened to me with the soul retrieval… Did Jesus really help me out, sort of like as a one time thing, or did I fragment as a result of the trauma of being involved in the dark arts? The principle of interconnectedness I think would tell me the former, whilst logic wants to stick to the latter.

I am not really sure and will have to muse on it some more. I guess either way, I need to learn to cast a Patronus Charm, lol.