I feel like I want to update, even though I’m not sure what really. But one thing is that my MRI results came through and the neurologist said my brain is normal. However I’m still waiting for my EEG results and today I had blood drawn to test for my hormones such as adrenal and thyroid. Hypothyroidism actually runs in the family so I am going to bring that up with my doctor when I next see her and take it from there. I have been doing a temperature graph to measure my own adrenal/thyroid levels and originally it seemed like my thyroid could be the one at fault, but my adrenals might need a bit of boosting too. I’m going to take the chart to my doctor too and see what she says. Hopefully my blood work will confirm what’s going on with my temperature.
Okay, where am I health wise? I’ve had a burst of energy this week which is really nice, after being bed bound after picking up a particularly nasty cold which lasted a couple of weeks. But burst of energy for me means being able to walk around the house and clean up my room without collapsing from exhaustion or having a seizure. I have noticed that my seizures are in fact photosensitive and triggered by light, any light, even just the sun. Maybe that goes hand in hand with the migraines I’m known for having. Either way, my doctor is trying to figure this all out with me. Now my psychological regression is all gone and psychologically I feel absolutely fine, we are exploring other possible causes for what is going on rather than just assuming it is mental health related.
I was taking a Vitamin B supplement for a couple of weeks before my doctor told me to stop until I have my blood test so they can measure my base line levels. I started taking it because when I was in Mexico I had massive panic attacks and my dad took me to a doctor there and they gave me vitamin b shots in my bum, lol. It was strange but it totally cured my anxiety. However I didn’t stay on top of the injections which need to be done every couple of months. So anyway as I started taking the Vitamin B supplement a couple of weeks ago I noticed my anxiety disappearing again and feeling a strength and peace inside me that disappeared as I stopped taking them again and it slowly came out of my system in time for the blood test.
So maybe that is something that will be confirmed too, along with other related deficiencies which might give a greater picture of what is going on. About my dad and Mexico, whilst I’m on the topic, I haven’t seen him in years because of my condition, but I message him on whatsapp sometimes and he knows that I have a long term sickness. I always felt like I had been a bad daughter to him because my mental health had just been so bad and asked him in a message the other day if we could just start again once I’m better. He said he liked that idea. It made me a bit weepy but I think with father’s day coming up it just triggered something deep inside me. He may not ever be my father, but he’s my dad. He didn’t raise me and I consider myself fatherless – but I have his blood and he’s a decent enough person and I owe my existence to him. Even if it’s not the existence neither of us would prefer what with the mental health and seizures and chronic fatigue and such – I know I have a lot of potential – but I still live every day of my life incredibly positive and optimistic regardless. Don’t get me wrong, I have my down days, but something about dropping religious/spiritual beliefs has made me very sensitive to pain, very empathic to the human condition and very much driven to want to shine happiness to any person wherever I can. If the Divine does exist I’d like to think that at the end of it all, I would be accepted with open arms, because right in the core of me I’ve realised – I am good. I may have a shadowy side, I may have demons and I may have some skeletons I don’t want ever coming out of the closet for anyone to see – ultimately I am human and I see my own goodness and the goodness in everyone.
But, I believe more importantly how it is our job to create heaven on earth. It’s nothing to do with religion/spirituality, but it is each our own responsibility. And I am committed to that 100%. So call me a humanist – I embrace it. Humanity is just so beautiful and is worth fighting for. It’s worth fighting to be alive even when there is only pain all around and you don’t see a light out. Because eventually something will change, if you just hold on. I have been through more pain than anyone will ever know, and I’m still here. I think personally that makes me hella strong, even when physically I am weak.
My search for religion lately, well, it’s been confusing. I think really I’m trying to find some kind of subculture to really feel a part of. I want to feel included in something I’m passionate about. And my original passion for Goddess Monotheism whether I believed in it or not has really dwindled. I explored what I needed to with that and it’s over. Lol. Nature is amazing but I fail to see it anthropomorphised as much anymore. I read the Eddas from Norse mythology, and the folklore from medieval Welsh Celtism, and have explored so many different polytheistic avenues lately from Chinese folklore to Finnish Paganism – just to try and satisfy this deep craving inside me, but alas I find that the emptiness is not being filled. I don’t know specifically what it is I’m searching for, especially considering that religion/spirituality has no use for me anymore. Maybe it had just become a habit to be intensely spiritual and now without that I feel like I’ve lost grounding. It changes you completely as a person.
I’ve also flirted with the idea that I could have a religious form of obsessive compulsive disorder, especially considering the compulsive thoughts I get about Jezebel and Jesus all the damn time. And if I am having epileptic seizures then that can cause a religious disorder. There are so many possibilities. I’m not trying to stick a label on myself or think there is anything wrong. But I just think I feel a bit lost without that in my life. So I think maybe I just need to find another subculture to immerse myself in and enjoy and embrace the new me. I was going to study but honestly that is getting nowhere despite how many online distance courses I signed up for – it seems very much like a closed door. Despite that, I have been so fatigued lately that I’ve decided that it’s probably for the best as I don’t really have the energy to study right now, as much as I’d love to.
So really I’m just back at square one, wondering what the hell to do with my life. It’s just so hard when you are ill and can’t do anything, and can’t explore life and find your place, instead just confined to your house with not many stimulating things to pass the time. As weird as it sounds, considering I have always felt more at home within the walls of, well, my own home, I don’t think I’m naturally like that. I think naturally I am quite adventurous and enjoy socialising and travelling and all these things. It’s a shame though that the abuse destroyed that part of my personality and now I’m finally finding it again I’m prevented from being able to act it out due to being so ill. I just want to live life, be reckless, love hard, get lost in the natural beauty of earth, go to college and study for something I’m passionate about, and transform everything I touch for better. But I keep my eyes forward and know that one day without a doubt I will be able to do everything I want to do. I stand firm and resolute that somehow, someday, I will get healed, and I will have a fun and exciting life, the life I could never had before because I was so damaged.
In a way, being so ill has taught me how precious life is and how important it is not to take the simple things for granted, and it has taught me not to take everything so seriously and to lighten up. My boyfriend is pretty much a living joker and makes light out of everything. I need that in my life. Everything has been a struggle for survival of the fittest to me. I just need to remember how to laugh and have fun.
On that note, I had my checkup appointment with my family planning doctor yesterday and everything is fine with my IUD. No problems at all. Me and my boyfriend since have sex quite a few times (lost count now) and I’m not sure if the act of sex itself has changed something in me, or maybe it’s just a natural evolution of coming to know him more – or maybe both. But my emotions towards him have quite intensified and often I find myself crying halfway through totally overwhelmed both sensually and emotionally… I can’t really explain it. I just feel so much love I have some kind of emotional climax or something, and without painting it spiritual, I just feel like I’m blending into him and becoming one with him… and it’s such a sacred feeling. Now I know what love centered sex is like I would never have anything but. People may think it sounds a bit religious but for me I need that loving connection to totally surrender… and I just feel like I’m disappearing into him as I surrender over and over again, just allowing myself to be totally consumed by him.
Maybe my traumas are being touched on some level and I am actually healing. That would probably explain why after being at his sometimes I just feel so alive and strong and well, and not ill at all. But I don’t try to force any healing – I just let biology do its thing. I let oxytocin build and nurse my wounds. I learned from experience that trying to force ‘healing’ just ruins everything, lol. I have the sense that in ‘spiritual healing’ somehow the nervous system is being manipulated which can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. It definitely seems like the mind can influence the biology, but it doesn’t mean that we should all go about trying to become chinese ninjas (they train specifically for that). I think personally I will just wait until science unlocks all the mysteries. I’m a humanist and I’m a naturalist – everything is good and everything has an explanation.
Well, that is me so far. Mostly just rambling about my emotions. But I just felt like I needed to write. I realise I don’t nearly write as much interesting stuff as I used to back when I was firmly established in woo woo land, but it’s good to record my daily life and have some kind of memory to look back on, so that one day I can go “wow, look how far I’ve come”.