Time to update! I have had both my EEG and MRI scans, but no results are in yet. I also have a blood test booked for a couple of weeks to test all the important stuff. I’ve had plenty of blood tests done at the hospital during my A&E visits, but they only check for the life threatening stuff, so this time they’ll be checking through everything. They’ll check my vitamins and minerals and absorbency levels and hormones and check for autoimmune diseases such as celiac disease. So I’m pretty pleased about that. My mum said they should’ve checked for all that ages ago – she’s right, but then again, until I came off the anti-psychotics I wasn’t having any of these seizures and such.
As for my diet, I’ve eased up a bit and instead of going fully ketogenic under 25g of carbohydrates a day I’ve gone back to a healthy medium of between 50 to 100 grams. I couldn’t handle the ketogenic diet much longer, and have decided to go back to a diet resembling more that of paleo, which is still lower carb than most of the population, but not extremely low like ketogenic. I was on a diet similar to paleo before I went keto so I think I will be fine. I’ve lost a stone and a half (about 20lbs) since coming off the olanzapine and I am starting to feel happy with my body again, so hopefully by summer I’ll be comfortably back to a size 8 (already can just about fit into my size 8’s again!) and able to flaunt a really nice beach cozzie!
Lately my spiritual focus has not been so intense, but I’ve been really absorbed in a book series called a Shade of Vampire. I really love reading again, I missed it. At the moment I’m on book eight, and there are like fifty books in the entire series. I have no idea how someone can possibly write that much but I have to hand it to her.
Anyway, as for spiritual things, lately I’m back to feeling unsure about whether to draw from Germanic paganism, Celtic paganism, or Greek paganism. I’ve especially become interested in the Elves of Germanic paganism, I’m not really sure why. Maybe because I feel they are much more relatable than their Christian counterparts, e.g. angels.
My mind is going a lot of places recently and I’m not sure which direction to take, so I won’t elaborate here until things are more clear, but essentially I’m still atheistic and don’t believe in supernatural deities/beings/realms, ect, and am just enjoying fantasy for fantasy, rather than letting my psychosis turn it into something real inside my mind.
As for my distance course – really have no idea what’s happening with that. I concluded that the original company I signed up with to take a medicine and health access to higher education degree was just messing me around and so I signed up with another company. And I still have heard nothing back from them either! It’s so bizarre. Maybe it’s a closed door. It’s not for lack of trying though. But I am just thinking maybe once all the results from my tests are back and I get properly diagnosed as to what’s causing my tiredness and then hopefully treated I can just go back to my local college, which will be much better. I need something to stimulate my brain again, something to live for, a direction to move forward into.
Well apart from that not really sure what to update. Nothing special has happened lately. I was having a lot of flashbacks and memories of some of the things I went through regarding spiritual possession and stuff, but I find the more I try to work out the stuff I went through, the less sense it makes, and I think that’s natural because memories become warped by emotions. So there’s no way to really analyze what I went through without a subjective imprint distorting my view. So I just had to block all those out and stick to logic and rationality. I may enjoy pagan mythologies and the symbolic nature of it all, but I’m furthest away from theist than I’ve ever been.
Lately also I have been seeing my boyfriend a bit more. We only met once a week before but lately are trying to meet twice a week instead. It’s been nice seeing each other a bit more and I find myself more content in one way – being with him is amazing. At the same time I find myself sad and disappointed that I can’t really spend time with him the way I want to. We can’t go out and have a nice adventure, we can’t really do much more than cuddle and watch TV, because anything else just exhausts me. I feel so limited. I try not to let it get me down, but preferably I would love to go out properly with him.
But he is ever understanding and looks after me. I don’t think I will ever see myself as worthy of his love, but I accept that and I accept that he chose me for a reason, regardless. I just have to keep holding onto hope, and having trust in medical science, in the national health services, and in humanity in general. And I do.