ERP, Meditation, My Religious Ancestry, & Karezza Lovemaking

So, I thought I’d do a quick update. A few things are on my mind. This probably won’t be an excessively long post as I’m writing from my phone, however, knowing me I can ramble about nothing forever so don’t be surprised if it does turn out to be mega long as per usual.

Okay, so, what’s new? Well, I tried doing exposure and response prevention for my compulsive thoughts. Maybe I tried it too fast and when I was tired too, rather than starting off lightly and when I was feeling at my strongest. However, I think the point remains that it’s not right for me and that I won’t continue to consider it as a potential solution.

What happened is that I had a full blown psychotic and hallucinatory episode, for about five minutes. Not really sure that actually counts as psychosis, but that’s all I can explain it as. I was absolutely terrified, I was uncontrollably gnawing on my own skin, scratching myself, convulsing, and seeing hundreds of demons coming towards me to possess me. At that point I was so overwhelmed by stimuli that I did a major shut down and stopped the exposure and response prevention.

Anything that triggers that IMO is not worth it. Because I’m trying to create new healthier neural connections, not strengthen the diseased ones witch made me unwell in the first place. I think also such a radical practice is probably not endorsed by psychologists, as they tend to take more of a cognitive behavioral view these days, which during my therapy helped loads.

Unfortunately though my therapy ended, though my doctor is trying to get me back on the system again, but it may be a while before that happens. In the meanwhile I need to fins a way to manage the anxiety (and the crazy). So I’m actually going to be brave and try meditation again. But rather than just jump straight into focused meditation with no object (what I always excelled at), I’m going to start light with guided meditations, because they always worked in the past. Then I will gradually intensify my approach until I feel I can’t go any deeper without risking a breakdown. So basically I just need to know my limits and work with them.

Really the thing I have to do is to stop responding with the compulsive thoughts. But it’s easier said than done. I have had times where I’ve actually excelled at that, as my uncle told me to do it early last year. But in practice the waves come and go and during the hard waves it can be nearly impossible to meditate without the psychotic episodes bubbling back up to the surface.

However, I do have my MRI next Wednesday, so hopefully that will give some insight into my brain and why it’s so messed up.

Another thing I wanted to mention is how lately I’m researching my religious ancestry. I am half British and half Mexican with some Spanish and Irish mixes in. That makes my religious ancestry Christian, Celt, and Aztec. I think that’s pretty fascinating. Me and Graeme were talking about the archetypes and the shadow and collective shadow and I kinda had the though that the archetypes and symbolisms and mystical experiences of Christianity will never leave me, for the reason it’s imprinted in my very genes. So why resist that? I will never get away from it.

On the other hand, I am very drawn to my Celtic ancestry, and currently as a result Celtic NeoPaganism. I am reading a book about the Celtic peoples, their history, mythologies, beliefs, ect. It’s very fascinating. I have never felt so connected to my own history before like this, and the more I explore it the more it feels home to me more so than the Christianity.

As for the Aztecs, what little I have read about them makes them a bit undesirable, what with all the human sacrifice and bloodthirsty gods. Still, maybe I don’t really know enough, so I will keep my mind open. I know I’ve often felt connected to the Mayans, which I think may be in my Mexican side way back somewhere too. All I know is that the Aztecs migrated from somewhere else into Mexico and mingled with the Mayans(don’t quote me for it though, I have a bad memory).

Spirituality I guess I’m doing a lot of exploring at the moment. I like the magical emotion that you feel when connected to a spiritual/religious tradition, especially when it’s the right one for you as a person. Even though I still don’t think the gods are real and what not, I am still agnostic, and as for my Goddess movement I made a website for, I still feel connected to the divine feminine and my hope is that eventually once I choose a proper spiritual path I can integrate everything all together in the unique blend that makes me “me”.

I guess really I am a bit of a contradiction. On another note it’s weird to note that I still experience a lot if heavy chest pain, which is only eased when I press my hand or say my teddy against it for comfort (my therapist taught me that). My doctor said it’s anxiety, which maybe that’s all it is and the answer is just that simple. But it’s a bit unnerving to think I’ve been healing so well emotionally from PTSD, yet my body doesn’t seem to agree. But maybe there is a secondary cause for that such as the suspected epilepsy.

Okay last thing, this week I made a breakthrough in my relationship with Graeme. I never realized I’d been holding up some psychological barriers that I’d carried over from my last relationship, but since Graeme and I have been having sex it’s started to add a whole new dimension to love I never even thought was possible. It wasn’t an instant thing but rather over time as we’ve been love making a really deep connection has been forming, and at least on my end I felt wonderfully completely and totally surrendered to his heart, to our love, and to some otherworldly sense of ‘union’. I felt like I was one body with him, I felt so close to him physically and emotionally the whole time I was with him. I don’t know whether to call it ‘spiritual’ but I will use that anyway, even if there’s a biological reason.

So I just had this incredibly emotional and spiritual experience with him this week, like we were one soul, and it was so beautiful I ended up crying a bit a couple of times. It’s like I was in cloud nine, in such a wonderful place. Lovemaking with him actually has always been like that, regenerating and healing to all levels of my being, but this was totally otherworldly, and I finally knew how he felt towards me a while ago when he expressed similar feelings. I guess I took a while to catch on, maybe because of my extra baggage, but this connection between us feels absolutely wonderful.

I wonder actually if the reason our lovemaking has been like this is because we’ve both taken on some tantric-like ideas(namely ‘karezza’) about not orgasming and going slow and making it more of an emotional experience than a primal lust filled experience. We both seem to enjoy the slow mindful approach much more, as it’s like meditating and focusing fully on each other. It’s very ‘spiritual’, and scientifically is supposed to raise oxytocin levels (the bonding hormone) through the roof. So maybe that is what’s going on. I have never before been so less interested in orgasming. The great benefit too about it is that you never get exhausted or tired after that post orgasmic dip. It never happens. You can have sex multiple times a day as a wonderful bonding experience, spiritual experience, and pleasurable experience, and it’s actually really increased my libido tenfold. I feel like a totally different person, yet in such an amazing way.

I know all that is a bit personal to write about, but some people may be interested and want to know how others are getting on with it. Honestly although Graeme was my first going all the way to home run, most the men I’ve talked about with it before seem totally uninterested with not orgasming. So it’s just wonderful that my boyfriend takes the same approach, and sometimes there is an orgasm, and often there isn’t. It’s not the focus, it’s just a side by product. So I think this approach to sex, as well as the act itself has really allowed me to experience feelings I never have before, a depth I never thought was even possible. And I am incredibly excited to keep exploring this path with him and getting to know his soul so intimately, as if we were one soul.

I dont think I’ve ever been more in love than I felt with him these past couple of days. I totally surrendered on all levels, and opened my heart fully to him.

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