My Autoimmune Disease, Hallucinatory Worlds, and Exploring Secular Humanism

Omg!!! I just scrolled down all my posts I’ve ever written on this blog and feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster through woo woo land and never been living in reality at all, wtf!!! Honestly I am seeing things so differently these days. I did a ‘whats your irreligion’ test, and I first got objectivist, and then secular humanist. I think they sum me up pretty well.

If there was a God I am pretty sure that he is not actively involved in our life and so his existence doesn’t matter anyway – that would fall under deism which is still secular humanism. I really resonate with secular humanism, it just feels like me (and I’m not saying that from a woo woo point of view but just emotional, lol)

I feel like I’m having to re-evaluate my entire life, entire belief system, entire world view, all my values, morals, and everything. It’s crazy. Everything is up for analysis and scrutiny now. To be honest I feel the value of life much more keenly since embracing atheism. It just seems much more magical to make this life count. There is no afterlife or reincarnation – that’s silly. I want to make NOW count, and so in a way I guess I am feeling a lot in common with modern (non-religious) buddhism.

But at the same time I can still appreciate religion and the good things it does for people. When my mum asked me to pray at the table today, I still did, because it’s our way of life, and I respect that, but also I prayed just in case Jesus really is out there listening. I still do. I say “if you’re real then bring me back… otherwise I will take it you aren’t”… well so far no revelations. I was thinking about how all my ‘visions’ in life have been contradictory and to be honest I think I’ve been ill for a really really long time and it’s been undetected until now.

I’m convinced I have an autoimmune disease (on top of the PTSD which is likely the environment factor that triggered it in the first place)… so that’s why I’m seeing the neurologist on Monday. I have written down all my weird symptoms I’ve had over the last three years for the neurologist to look at and to be honest it’s crazy how much has been wrong with me and I was totally unaware that I’ve actually had a serious disease going on.

Symptoms

Physical:

Migraines
Vomiting
Convulsions
Dizziness
Chronic Fatigue
Muscle Weakness
Uncoordinated Movement
Myoclonic twitching
Insomnia
Cataplexy
Erratic Breathing
Heavy Chest
Talking in a Strange Accent
Seeing Flashing Lights

Mental:

Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress
Transient Psychosis
Hallucinations (Auditory/Visual/Tactile)
Dissociation
Altered Identity
Amnesia
Confusion
Night Terrors

Like seriously, how the fuck am I not even dead yet?!?!?! And how did I even pass all this off as spiritualised shit? I feel seriously, seriously blind. I obviously have some kind of serious neurological problem on top of the PTSD (likely co-morbid with it), and I honestly can’t wait for my exams.

I trust science, and I wish I had much sooner. I wish I’d gotten psychotherapy much sooner. Maaannn I went way off the rails with all this energy, consciousness, kundalini, multidimensional, channeling, twin flames crap. New age is just bullshit. And not even because I think it’s demonic or whatever(on that note, check the picture I posted at the end of this, doesn’t that sound exactly like what the brain could perceive as ‘demonic attack’???), but I’m sure it’s some kind of sensory fault from our primitive brains.

Basically what can I say? I feel like the blinders have come off, I’m seeing things objectively for the first time, realise my entire world view has been tainted by escapist tendencies due to trauma, and really feel the truth of atheism (not that that really means anything… lol), but at the same time I do have to gradually change my habits and rethink a lot of things, a lot of my approaches to life.

Somehow though I just feel my own self worth much more realising that this is my only life and that the moral responsibility lies with me. Like, there’s no one or nothing divine or some deity judging me, no karma, no sin, nothing, and I don’t feel like I don’t weigh up, but actually feel like a really good, kind, friendly, and normal (if sick) person.

And the thought comes to mind “well maybe I just have to go through the atheist stage to learn a few things” but honestly that sounds like spiritual-babble to me now. That’s something the old me would’ve said. I don’t think life is about learning, I don’t think there’s a point or meaning in life. I think we just exist as a result of evolutionary forces and consciousness is not even separate from the body like I tended to think. It makes much more sense that the body produces consciousness.

I haven’t been on spiritual forums for a while and I had a quick browse but nothing there really seems interesting to me anymore. If anything my psychotic break had the positive effect of making me realise there was something seriously wrong with me, and that I needed to take medical action, and that there are much more scientific reasons to my experiences than random woo woo.

And that’s not to say either that “oh it was meant to be then”… there’s no more fate, no more divine plan, no more underlying goal. It all falls apart, life is based on the consequences of random choices – sometimes they are good consequences, other times bad. But either way,there is no point to anything. And far from it being a depressing thought, it’s actually incredibly freeing to strip back these delusions I’ve carried for so long.

And look, I’m not saying there is no God, because we don’t know for sure. So I guess I am a weak atheist, because there’s just no evidence for one after all I have experienced… my conclusion is my brain is sick, and also very biologically complex and as a result can create entire hallucinatory worlds. I’m actually very glad my doctor did not section me off, but then I didn’t tell her half of what happened to me and she is still mostly in the dark about it. But I will definitely be telling the neurologist. I want to get to the bottom of this, and that’s not gonna happen through self-therapy because that’s what I tried to do before and look where it ended me up. I have to trust the system, trust the doctors, trust science knows what it’s doing.

Weird that I am back at atheism again. But I have been thinking again about meditating just so I have something in common with Graeme, and also because scientifically it does help calm the brain down. I just wonder right now if I should since when I tried last it made my condition flare up (and to be honest looking back that’s all it’s ever done – weird!)… so maybe I’ll wait until I get diagnosed first.

Guided meditations used to calm me down, so I wonder if I could carry that over in a non-religious way. There has to be stuff out there. I’d love to join a Unitarian Universalist church, for a sense of community, and Graeme said he’s love to go with me. You can enjoy the beauty in life without believing in the supernatural. And that’s what I want.

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