I thought I would write a most concise and chronological account for my readers about what exactly happened between October 2015 and March 2016. In all honestly, it was all just a huge mess, or it felt that way. On top of that I still actually have amnesia around end of December to the beginning of January. I think I still have a lot of trauma to process here.
Let’s go back to the basics, to the beginning. I was still with Dan, who I considered to my true twin flame, and we had met for the penultimate time at the beginning of October. During this time I was exploring with what I called ‘light body activations’ on other people. I wanted to be a healer, so I messed around with what I didn’t understand with no formal training.
In this light body activation what I would do, in my mind at least, was somewhat merge my higher self with the higher self of other people’s, sort of imprinting my template onto theirs. I thought my higher self was pretty evolved and able to do this, so I saw no issue with it.
However, I never learned how to properly ground others energy or properly shield the working space, or to cut cords after I’d finished a ‘healing session’, so I think one of the problems was I was getting contaminated with a lot of negative energy from the clients I was working on. So I started attracting more negative entities.
On top of that, I was channeling. At the time I thought I was channeling only love and light beings, but over time the messages started to change, and become nasty. I started hearing voices in my head, as much as thousands at one point, and couldn’t turn them off. It was very scary.
At the end of October, I started messing around with something else. There was an entity on the spiritual realm that claimed to be a non-incarnate twin flame. It wanted to do a heart merge with me, which of course is the most intimate kind of spiritual interaction.
I went ahead and merged with this being, only finding out afterwards that it wanted to hurt me, and was making my life living hell. Of course, it only turned out to be a fallen angel. I remember seeing the wings, as he wrapped himself around me. It was an incredibly sexual encounter.
Once my heart was open to one fallen angel… then my heart was open to all the rest of its minions, which included low ranking demons and enslaved lost souls, e.g. ghosts, as well as enslaved lost soul fragments of the living.
Now, at some point I came to believe that this fallen angel, was actually a soul fragment of another living person, and that I had karma with them that needed to be resolved. That’s when I started doing soul retrieval. In order to reverse the damage I had done from inviting this entity into my heart, as well as all the negative entities from the all clients I had worked with, I started sending back their soul fragments which I believed had attached to me, and started retrieving what I believed were my own.
But, this lead me down a darker path, because ultimately the more I invited inside me, the more I became possessed. But that’s not to say the soul retrieval didn’t work because in the end I did find my lost soul fragments which were stuck in the deepest regions of hell. I just had to go through a lot of demons to get to that stage. It’s like I was in a war, to find the pieces of me which I believed had been split off from careless spiritual exploration, but which had actually always been fragmented from birth, due to growing up in the midst of childhood abuse.
During this phase my relationship with Dan got incredibly rocky. The ‘energy’ between us was just too negative, with the demons coming between us. Trying to fix our connection energetically, I came to the conclusion that our energetic twin flame cord was bunged up and blocked by lots of ghosts.
At this point my sensitivity to the spiritual realm was getting ridiculous. I was incredibly psychic, could read minds, was communicating with spiritual beings on an hourly basis, was suddenly very adept in psychic healing, and could literally see the spiritual realm around me as if it were physical. I also started having out of body experiences and was travelling around the spiritual planes looking for my soul fragments and battling negative entities and such.
So, I saw mine and Dan’s connection as being blocked by a shit load of ghosts, and so in my desperation, I started telling the ghosts to go towards the light, where they could be set free. I started talking with and communicating with and bartering with the ghosts. Saying they couldn’t stay here. But as I started ‘helping’ them towards the light, more and more were attracted to me that had nothing to do with our connection. On the astral plane I was like a big flashing light saying “I can help you”.
Now, by this time, I was so possessed that I had (without realising) taken an advanced healing spirit inside me. This is why all of a sudden I was very savvy about healing without ever being taught. I was like a full on shaman.
And I realised this, and I embraced it. The healing spirit had told me it was one of my guides, and came to me to help get all the lost souls out of me that had been attracted to me because of the channeling I was into.
So I let it help me. But as I let it work through me, I became aware of an evil spirit trying to hurt me, from the hell realms. Well, it only turned out that this healing spirit inside me had actually accidentally killed the spirit of this man in her life, and was trying to resolve her karma through me. So her and this spirit started battling out in my body. That was hell on earth. There I was trying to help her resolve her issues with this evil vengeful and murdering spirit (that had become that way due to unforgiveness), so that she could eventually leave me too and go towards the light.
But then, as I started getting to know this evil spirit, I realised that it was a war veteran, and I started taking on its memories, which was incredibly painful. The reason why was because this spirit had been tormented as a child by his father (seeing the parallels here between my own childhood – coincidence? I think not), and I remember the feeling of being whipped as if it was actually happened to me. In my vision my whole back was beaten and bloodied, and to add to that, this spirit had been raped. I remember that very vividly, and thinking it was a past life of mine at the time, I thought I’d been raped as a child (more on that later). So I started developing an incredible sadness, for about two days I was crying non-stop, as I was re-experiencing all these things this spirit had done. I also started feeling unborn baby ghosts in my etheric womb, which had been waiting to be born all this time.
Then, in order to let go of this spirit, I ‘unconsciously’ employed MORE ‘healing spirits’ (god do I ever learn >.<). I eventually realised through these other healing spirits that there was a battle going on between the first healer and her husband, who was also a war veteran and had killed people in his life. He wasn’t a very nice spirit at all, and I started developing his associations too of what it was like to be a war veteran, to kill other people in cold blood.
In order to solve this entire problem, I employed other healer spirits to try and help me out. Now this is when my sense of self-identity started to get really blurry. I was heavily possessed by this point, was taking on the associations and memories and identities of what felt like hundreds of spirits, and was experiencing memory loss and lack of consciousness.
These healer spirits meanwhile were still trying to help me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and they told me that ‘very soon’ it would all be over and that they would leave. Well, they were actually right (which is the weird thing, they were telling the truth, so they can’t have been all bad).
Eventually, these healer spirits started changing my spiritual focus. They told me and somewhat manipulated me into thinking that I didn’t need to any psychic healing anymore. They said my journey was almost over and it was time to bring things to a close. So they started ‘shutting down’ all my energetic portals, my chakras and such, and clearing my karma over my entire life, saying I was a new person, and that I was to live my life differently, as a new being.
So, for about a couple of weeks, I got rid of all my crystals, my incense, my spiritual tools, and stopped all this psychic and spiritual madness completely. I decided for once I wanted to be ‘normal’, and that I was done with the spiritual realm.
And I did feel normal for a stretch. But the ghosts especially wouldn’t leave me, even though I tried to ignore them, they compelled me to try and continue helping them towards the light.
In the end, I gave in to continuing with energy work, but it only lasted a little while, because I was starting to be too far gone. At this point I started developing seizures, as a result from my brain being unable to handle the heavy possession. My entire body felt like it was covered in this thick living darkness, and in the end, I completely lost sense of my identity. I could not tell who I was.
Now, during all this I’ve forgotten to mention all the shadows I would see lurking around me at night, all the times I’d wake up being suffocated, or being attacked. The attacks would come more and more frequently, first in the nights where I’d wake up screaming, and then in the days where I could no longer control it.
And so I lost all sense of my identity, and all too soon realised that these were spirits that were ‘pretending’ to be me, and that weren’t actually me. The problem I had then was “If they aren’t me, then which one is the real me”… bit of a stupid question since I was the one asking it. But I was so dissociated from my identity at this point I honestly couldn’t tell who I was, and I got very, very scared.
That’s when my mum came into my room and I literally begged her to help me, because I couldn’t take anymore. She then told me to be quiet and she said “Now I speak to the demon inside you, what is your name?”
The reply came back “I’m Jezebel, and I belong to this body, and no I’m not leaving’.
Suffice to say the both of us were very, very shocked. Jezebel’s one of the highest ranking demons, and one of the most malevolent and craziest. Turns out that for a lot of the things I was going through, she was the chief head of what was going on. She organised the whole of it, she told the spirits to possess me, to deceive me. And yet, ultimately, she was not the one in control, because ultimately I did find what my unconscious self was looking for – my lost soul fragments which had been trapped in hell from the time I was young.
The reason was, is that, according to her, she had been dormant inside me since I was very little, since I was three years old. She stated that I had been raped at two years old, which left me open to attack, due to trauma. Part of me had left, and in place there was an energetic space that needed filling. Then when my mum married my abusive step-dad when I was three, as he was carrying her, the Jezebel spirit, she transferred from him to me.
And as she was stating all this, it was like I was reliving the rape, that happened to me as a baby. It was incredibly, incredibly traumatising.
So this is the thing, and perhaps my ultimate point at the moment, that although she thought she was running the show, God was actually in control the whole time, making her aware to my consciousness, and making me aware to the lost parts of myself that were trapped in hell and needed retrieving.
The reason I know this explicitly is because I had a revelation during this time from my unconscious/superconscious self that the reason I’d started channeling in the first place was to get knowledge on whether I was really raped, and whether parts of me were really lost as a result. Then I got revelation that I invited the healing spirits in on an unconscious level to remove the channelled spirits from me which were apparently stuck in me against their will. Some part of me was holding on and didn’t want to let them go. Probably the traumatised part of me that felt I needed them.
So ultimately, it was all part of my own unconscious plan to find out the truth of myself. And I was obviously guided by the divine within me to go on this journey.
Now, Jezebel wouldn’t leave when my mum tried to exorcise her. She was very stubborn. Part of that was because I was still holding onto childhood trauma which she was using as a means for entry. The other part was that my lost soul fragments needed rescuing. So that’s when my mum told me I needed to accept Jesus into my heart, to be saved.
So I did, because I was absolutely desperate for anything to work. Then, as I did so, I had a vision of myself as these lost soul fragments, trapped in hell, being tortured and being forced by demons such as Jezebel to torture other lost souls and soul fragments. And then, Jesus himself came into hell to rescue me, as these soul fragments, and to put me back in my body. Then Jezebel and all her minions had no choice but to leave.
During this experience, I had to re-integrate these lost soul fragments, and that took time. At one point I regressed all the way back to a baby. I was reliving all the memories of being trapped in hell… it was quite incredible, really.
Then, at a certain point of integration, I became baptised in water and then in fire. When I was baptised in fire, I had an OBE where I went to heaven, and was baptised by Jesus in oil, and became united again with God in Spirit, and saw all the angels that were like giants compared to us as humans. Then Jesus came down into my body, and said “this is the second coming, I’ve come to take all the lost souls with me to heaven”…. and all the ghosts left me just like that.
From this entire experience, this has to make me believe in universal salvation. Because from what I saw he periodically goes into hell to rescue both the dead and the living lost souls and soul fragments(and who knows if he’s the only deity who does that?). And he took those lost souls from me into heaven with him, then left again as soon as he arrived.
It was a very cool experience, that part. Finally something good out of all the craziness.
But, the trauma the entire thing over these past few months left me with, was too much for me to bear, and on top of that the demons, although they weren’t inside me anymore, they were still around me, tormenting me, trying to regain entry, and I just couldn’t cope any longer. I just wasn’t strong enough anymore, I was too tired of it all. So I went to the doctor, and she put me on anti-psychotics, and then everything started to calm down.
So my view is that, Jesus helped me when I needed it, but I did a lot of inner work beforehand, and I had the medication to help me afterwards. But right in the middle there, Jesus came to my rescue when I felt most lost, to boot a very nasty demon out of me only he could, and he deserves my respect for that.
Hopefully in this post I have covered all bases… at least the bases I can remember. There is probably a lot of detail I am leaving out, because so much went on, but this is basically the gist of it all.
Oh, one thing I do remember, is that the healer spirits had told me in a previous life I was in a bomb explosion, which shattered my soul into thousands of pieces and since then in every life I have been trying to re-gather myself. I don’t really know if that’s true, but it was a large part of the story for me during those months.