I have just reread my last post a few times over, and I came to a new insight. At first I wasn’t sure about it, but it makes sense, when you consider that hatred towards some other perceived external object is merely a reflection and psychological projection of what is really the truth.
First I stated that I hate demons, then I stated that I want them to die. Isn’t the answer here obvious? The truth is, deep down, what this really means is that I hate myself and I want to die.
That is a pretty big realisation. But truth is, I’m not surprised by it at all. Why not? Because whenever I get very afraid, especially in social situations, the first thought that always comes to mind is “I hate myself”.
Now, how does this tie into the desire to inflict pain on myself? For some reason, I feel that I deserve this anger to be directed at myself. Maybe, perhaps, because I feel I am not good enough? That does, though, seem like an intellectual response.
My first thought though was “shame”, which really ties into that. It’s no secret that my step-dad was incredibly abusive to me, and he projected his own self-hatred onto me in the form of anger. It’s not far out to assume that I internalised that, and now I have a part of myself that is just like him.
At the same time, as I write this, I sense that a part of myself is greatly and deeply in distress. Perhaps, it is the child part of me (previously named personality 1). I see personality 1 on an axis pole, being bubbly when externally manifested, but deep inside on the other end of the axis pole hurting deeply, which is preventing balancing of the personality and hence preventing either personality 1 growing up, or from it being reabsorbed into personality 2 (my core self, also what psychologists call the ‘Host’).
So I can identify these two parts of me now. Very fascinating how this interplay works. There’s a part of me that’s angry, and a part of me that is emotionally wounded. In all honesty, I don’t know how I know all this, because I am not feeling it, rather ‘sensing’ it. I’ve always been pretty intuitive, though.
I think my therapist would be proud of me, and I think I will tell her my conclusions of these musings during our session.
Of course, I still have a looooongg way to go. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Now, back to the masochism. There is a part of me that wants the pain. I feel like that part of myself feels like it deserves it, and again, going back to shame, it feels like it deserves the beating because it feels like it’s not good enough, and never will be good enough.
Perhaps when I talk soothingly to myself when nervous, rather than saying “everything’s ok”, I should say “I am worthy of love”. Because ultimately, a part of me obviously doesn’t feel worthy of love, and that likely comes from the deep wound of rejection. Both rejection from my step-dad, and from what I called my ‘twin flame’ (from here on out called my ‘ex’).
But, I still feel like I need to find out why this part of me doesn’t feel worthy of love, why it doesn’t feel good enough. I am not sure on that. Again, I may need to do more musing.
On the other hand, how would I reintegrate these two separate parts of my personality? The angry part, and the sad part? Obviously the repression of my self-hatred and shame is what is causing the fear. The Rabbit Hole goes very deep, after all….
Perhaps, in order to solve this issue, I need to figure out the causal progression of internal events. So, rather than see these states as ‘parts’ or personality ‘fragments’, rather see them as a liner order of emotions and thoughts, which starts somewhere at a ‘root cause’, and develops from there, becoming more complex until you can no longer determine what the original feeling was. In my case, it’s clear so far that the shame is the root cause of the fear. Though what is the root cause of the shame I don’t know yet (internally speaking, not the external cause of my step-dad).
So, the progression of emotions could so far go like this:
Shame -> Anger -> Fear.
The common theme stringing these three emotions together is that between each one a wall of repression and rejection is apparent, and hence blockage and distortion of the succeeding emotion.