This is a topic that has been pretty much the center of my life these past few months. Not to say I haven’t had anxiety attacks in the past during my journey, but this time it has completely taken over me. The demonic attacks I had made me absolutely terrified of everything. Now, who’s to say that that fear wasn’t already unconscious waiting to be released, which caused the demons to attach to me in the first place(In fact, who’s to even say they were demons at all and not just some unconscious mental construct?)? Who knows, but after a few months of wailing at the top of my lungs 22/7 (I got an average of about two hours per sleep this entire time, which was just plain awful) and having a non-stop panic attack, I went to the doctor and begged for some medication to take it all away.
My doctor gave me some anti-depressants for the anxiety and for obsessive compulsive disorder, and some anti-psychotics for both the identity confusion and the scary visions I was seeing. She also gave me a sedative to help me sleep at night(though I noticed it stayed in my bloodstream for 24/7 anyway calming me even further), and gradually as the medications started building up in my system my anxiety started to abate, and now I’m pleased to say the panic attacks have completely stopped.
However, I have this really annoying compulsive habit that sometimes drives my core self to the brink. Or rather, my regressed state child personality(I literally turn into a little kid of about five years) has an annoying habit that drives me crazy, lol. Basically, this is a really confusing thing for me, I’ll call regressed state – personality 1, and core self – personality 2, so basically, the confusing thing is my two main personalities have different religious beliefs. Personality 1 is Christian, through and through. It’s a very emotional thing for personality 1. Now, I can’t say when this personality became Christian, either as a kid, or when my soul fractured at Christmas due to the trauma of the demonic attacks, and then invited Jesus in. But personality 1 is about as Christian as you can get.
Personality 2, however, God, it’s a real mess, because personality 2 understands the most complex of universal paradoxes, is very wise, very evolved and self-aware, and sees God in the Universe, as All That Is, and identifies as a part of the whole, or the whole individualised as a part. Maybe some reading this may remember how I used to be – it’s basically that version of ‘me’, personality 2, my core self, that is watching behind the scenes as personality 2 takes over and does her Christian thing.
But back to the main point. Personality 1 has this very annoying habit of calling on Jesus every other second whenever she feels scared – and I mean, ok, Personality 2 thinks that’s alright, if you feel the need to call on a deity, that’s fine. But every other second??? It’s frickin’ compulsive. And it doesn’t even do anything! I don’t see Jesus anywhere, if I am honest.
Now, I know I should be easier on personality 1, but sometimes, it gets real hard, with the confusion, and the pain, and the fear that I can’t control…. I’ve started doing meditation to try and tackle this compulsive habit, but I’m not like I used to be. I have a split identity, and I can’t sink into the silence in the center of my being the way I used to be able to. Honestly, everything inside my head is a mess. But my therapy is helping me with some other techniques to calm myself down when I get nervous.
For example, when I get particularly nervous, I will put my hand on my chest (which my therapist said imitates the feeling of a hug), I will talk to my inner child soothingly, and try to focus just on my breath to bring my attention back to the present moment, instead of being caught up in ‘what ifs’ of the future.
This week when I see my therapist I’m going to ask her if she can do regression therapy with me, or recommend me to someone who can. Lately I’ve been feeling like a part of me is majorly steeped in shadow, and blocked off, and preventing the integration of these two soul parts (or personalities). The great thing is my therapist is actually a licenced psycho-spiritual therapist, which helps a ton for me. My mum is good to me but I find her Christianity a bit of a hindrance sometimes when personality 2 is active. To her all things are solved by “seeking Jesus”… I tell you what, if all my problems were really solved with Jesus then I would’ve considered myself a solid convert. But they weren’t, and honestly, I wonder sometimes if he’s not just as deceptive as some other beings in the spiritual realms. All part of what the Gnostics call the ‘Demi-urge’.
In fact, lately I am just wondering if there is even a God at all. I guess that gets to the crux of my problem. And whatever the answer is, there is my identity.