The Spiral of Self Understanding

It’s been an interesting journey for me. I spent most of my life cut off and disconnected from myself, roughly the first eighteen years. Then I started to become aware to these other parts of me. I’ve written about this in some other posts of mine. I thought at first I was going crazy and was experiencing DID which is the modern term of multiple personality disorder. So for the sake of self-protection I cut myself off from being able to feel those parts of me, I basically wanted to stay only one personality and not be bombarded with other selves.

One self I particularly struggled with before my awakening is what I liked to call ‘my evil twin’, basically my shadow self. I remember staring in the mirror once as a meditation exercise and my reflection took on a life and consciousness of it’s own, and it wasn’t half creepy. Once I started becoming more aware to myself though I started accepting these other parts more. This is when I started my awakening. First I realised my shadow, then my ‘animus’, in Carl Jung’s terms. Then my inner child and a myriad of other parts which I labelled for fun.

But then after my awakening I had my self-realisation/enlightenment experience which made me realise I was one with all, and so for a long time after that I had to learn to be at one with myself. For the longest time I didn’t even realise I still had shadow issues. Realising your innate goodness and realising that you are everything that exists tends to give the shadow a licence to be even craftier than usual. It thinks it’s god and it thinks it’s all- talk about mayhem! I’ve noticed though that this is a common problem after self-realisation that everyone goes through.

Some get caught up in the drama- enlightenment doesn’t make you one with all that is but just makes you realise you already are always one with all that is, big difference. Anyway, I spent about a year becoming stable in my ‘at-one-ness’, but had yet to develop the ability to feel deeper subtleties yet. Also another factor that ties in here is that the huge entity at my solar plexus was blocking me off immensely from embodying more of my true self (a paradox right? we already are our true selves and yet from where we stand as humans in a dualistic world there are unhealthy programs we carry around which need to be stripped back and the wounds healed.

After my healing session though I started to become more aware of my shadow again, though this time not as an entity but instead just as negative programs still in me and affecting my ego, basically my fear and sadness mostly that was driving me to be critical and judgemental of others. And since having that entity removed and working through the rest of the issues that have come up I’ve noticed I am not as easily irritated or as easily stirred up to feed off drama. In fact it seems drama can’t even see me anymore, I seem to invisible, quite literally, and that is a perfect example of how our external worlds reflect our internal worlds.

But then as this entity was removed I became aware to my sadness and my grief, also my fear… I realised these are all from my inner child which I had forgotten existed. And even though my inner child tends to be hard to feel directly as it’s so unconscious, she is definitely there. I also feel her male counterpart which seems to protect her, but in response to this boy aspect of me I feel another larger part of me protecting him and her both- this is a man or masculine energy and aspect of me which has a larger affect on me than I ever realised.

I asked him for a name and I got Rodrigo. Rodrigo is Spanish for “he who is rich in glory”, which I felt was perfect as I was feeling him as the overseer of my solar plexus chakra. Perhaps I will write about that more last time but each chakra is an aspect of self and is perfectly self aware and conscious, even if we are not aware or conscious of them. And in the solar plexus I felt was Rodrigo (which I shortened to Rigo for ease), but as he comprises a boyish aspect as well as my inner girl as a number of aspects I don’t feel I’m aware of, I felt that if I just focused on him who is governing all those parts then I don’t need to actively focus on any of the others as he’ll work with me to work with them.

His presence in my life and desire to become healthier and merge into me has been very obvious by the state of my dreams lately. Almost every night now I am dreaming about some man who I’m extremely attracted to on an energetic level, and the first dream I had was that we were getting married, which resembled strong our merging. In that first dream he was also rather moody, but as the dreams have been progressing he has become much more calm and loving.

However there also seems to be either this other part of me or either entity which is blocking us from merging completely. Unfortunately for me my relationship with Rigo is mirroring my relationship with my twin flame right now, and I say unfortunately because I do not like to be reactive to something externally which is a result of something inside me. I would rather be real and true, and not behaving as a result of a reaction to my own reflection….

So what that means is that this part of me blocking me and Rigo off from merging feels to be fear at its center, no matter whether its an aspect of me or an entity feeding off it and blocking us. And that it manifests in my dreams as a desire to get closer to get Rigo but never being able to go completely the full way, and it’s exactly how I am being towards my twin lately. Though the partial union with Rigo seems to have brought me and my twin closer in contact again as the inner work is being done, the fact is there is something blocking me off from being able to love others and myself completely and fully.

But things are getting better each day and I am seeing great and fast progress. The other part of myself that has come to the forefront is my soul. Now I realise that my process of becoming one with myself was actually the process of remembering myself as my soul. But due to the dynamics of multidimensionality me and my soul can remain one being but two unique ones at the same time. I had to say it was very weird once I realised I had this other being in me with the exact same eenergy signature that I couldn’t tell it apart except from the random times I would talk to myself and refer to myself as a “we” using words such as “we both” or “you and I” or other things such as that… I realised for a long time I’d been talking to some sort of equal, some other half without realising.

At first I asked for a name for this aspect and got back “Alec”, which means “guardian/protector”, which seems very higher self -like. It’s also meant to be a gender-neutral name which was ideal as this aspect of me felt neither feminine or masculine, but rather androgynous especially in relation to me. But all in all I felt a name for it was wrong and was really only using it so I wasn’t always referring to some abstract part of myself which seemed to sit mostly in my heart chakra/s. I would ponder on this aspect for a while, until it started speaking up more and more and then I realised it was really my soul all along. And then after seeing a friend channel their soul I decided to channel my own too and got great results, I am now absolutely sure that I am soul, as well as myself/ego, and Rigo all at the same time. These are the three strongest parts of myself I’m aware of right now.

I described it to a friend as being like partially merged or half merged with these different aspects of me, like they were a part of me which I was aware of even if not fully and that I could switch my attention between at will experiencing them fuller.  So in this way I realised myself as multi-dimensional being, including the fact that I felt that I embodied the soul of my soul group, basically what some would probably call a monad, as well as the entirety of my past, future, and parallel lives. And that is on top of planetary consciousness and universal consciousness. It seems like the percentages of awareness of each varies depending upon what I’m focusing on for growth at that point. But they all feel a part of me to some extent.

And that is where I am in my journey right now. I had wanted to write about this and update it here for a long time but didn’t feel I had all the information and was really just waiting for it to make sense, I was waiting for the day that I would see the bigger picture, which now I do. In life I went from feeling like a disconnected one to a split multiple to an integrated whole and then to a whole of multiples- very very interesting. It’s been like travelling down a spiral, where the end of each stage feels like completing a circuit and yet the beginning of the next journey starts at the same place as the previous beginning, yet this time with a wider understanding. 
My own growth and spiral through life all in all has been inhumanly fast but I feel that is down to soul’s experience with incarnation, everything is quickly coming back to me. Soul told me we have experienced many lives as one and are used to it now. So, I’m no longer worried about not knowing where I’m going, I know that soul knows what it’s doing and all will be revealed in due time, when I’m ready to process it. Basically when my physical brain has caught up enough! 😉 And overall coming to conscious awareness of myself as a multiple of wholes has lessened my fear and strengthened my faith in myself, though the purging wasn’t half rough to get here!

All in its due time. Namaste.
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