Rest in Peace

Today a soulmate died. Well, not technically, maybe there’s still hope, but I’ve been told there is none.

After two years of swapping consuming stories of darkness and pain, after all this time supporting each others hearts in our lowest times.. Taniya slipped into a critical coma about a week ago, if my timing is correct. I don’t know much about the circumstances surrounding this.. she never talked much about her physical problems. One minute she was breaking up with her boyfriend and the next she’s having brain surgery for some reason I’m completely unaware of…

Apparently it’s a given she’s going to die. I spent most the day in shock crying my eyes out. We never met in real life, but she was one of the closest persons in my life. I’m really grateful that before she slipped into unconsciousness she gave her sister the details of her account, and I’m even more grateful that her sister decided to reply to my messages, despite them not being so nice. I was angry thinking that maybe she’d deserted everyone.. but it turns out my first instinct was correct…

All this time I’d been repeating to myself over and over “I’d know if you were dead, you’d come and visit me, I know so, you can’t be dead, you can’t be dead, you’re too young”… yet all this time I never realised the obvious. I already knew the truth, and yet my mind was filtering it out for me because of the pain it would cause.

A couple of weeks ago I tried to telepathically contact her, but I felt nothing, which I found strange since I’m very good at getting in contact with people telepathically. But I thought nothing of this. Then this morning when I was thinking about her I felt her presence, like she was listening in on me. I dismissed it, thinking I was imagining things (as I usually still tend to do when it comes to spiritual things, lol), and then when I checked my messages about an hour later there was a message from her sister, telling me what had happened. I couldn’t believe it.

Since then I have felt her presence a few times. It feels like I only have to think of her and she’s here. Especially when I was sobbing with no concept of anything else but my loss… I felt her comforting me. I asked for her to visit me in a dream, as my ability to receive telepathic messages is not as good as my ability to send them. I know the message got through.

I felt sometimes like her presence was weak, but still super clear for me to sense. Apparently as she transitions I will feel her more and more frequently. This is a new feeling for me because I’ve never experienced the death of a loved one before. So many things were going through my mind… I started blaming myself for so many petty things.. it really is so easy to do that. But I gave myself some love and the blaming passed.

On one hand I want to pray for a miracle.. I want her to come back again. And I know if I prayed I would be heard and it could make all the difference and yet… I can’t bring myself to do it. Because I know she’ll be much happier when she’s finally crossed over to the other side. As she seems to be so far from what I’ve felt. She had such a tough life.. I can’t wish that on her again, no matter how much I love her and how much her family and everyone else loves her. I don’t want to subject her to any more pain.

Right now I’m pretty spaced out and just drifting mentally.. my heart chakra is going crazy and manifesting in things such as a super fast heartbeat and feelings of my chest being crushed. I feel lost, almost like a part of me is missing. I know it’s not, but I suppose death cuts attachments. So it’s likely what I’m feeling. There’s nothing tying us together in the physical realm anymore.

Really, I just hope that what happens is the best for her, and I have asked her sister to let me know if/when she is declared dead. Hopefully she’ll grant my request.

Well, I guess if I never see her online again then I’ll know, but for now it feels like she’s already dead..

R.I.P. Taniya. I love you forever and always.

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