Understanding

Do you trust me?
I’m not the most consistent of people I know
but then maybe that’s what you crave for, someone who can make you feel again
maybe a little alive, maybe a little insane
because insane is how you make me

I guess I didn’t realize that I was carving out my own heart though
when I stuck that knife into you and left
and now I feel nothing but my own torture and malice
feel it as yours as you free yourself from these chains

One retreat was enough.. two more on top of another is scaring me
although I thought I was scared plenty enough before
falling into shared darkness is terrifying..
so my inner light leads the way.. fixing the wrong that my retreat brought crashing down around me
I’ll face what I must.. I guess it’s overdue anyway

Truth is, the wrong is right, and the right is wrong
that’s what you make me see
I am who I am and I am who I’m meant to be
maybe you see.. maybe you agree.. maybe you’re just plain fed up of me.. ha. Maybe.

So many conflicting realities.. so I just sit here, letting you absorb everything as I absorb you
despite this link.. despite knowing everything you feel
I still want to taste it on your lips.. what is it that you feel?
a million miles apart and though I can’t give up playing dead
some days now I wish to be in your heart.. the way I once was
but honestly interaction frightens me, so I dwell with the energy as I resolve this thing inside of me
pretending to be distant and angry.. when really I just care so secretly

Maybe this is truth, maybe this is falsity.. maybe I’m just seeing another shadow of me..
maybe you’re just that other half of me
I don’t know
is it really that important?
all I know is that I now feel everything I made you feel
all I know is that I have random pangs of jealousy when I see you in my mind with another girl?
because that’s hilarious, all things considered… anyway..

I’m sorry for the way I deny you everything.. maybe it’s for the best
maybe you’ll love hell ten times over just for the promise of another taste
I can appreciate it, but I can’t believe in it.. do you love me or do you idolize me?
I ask the same of my feelings for you every day

So I can’t promise
and I can’t dream
I can only be present eternally
a lone angel apart from a beautiful demon
light separated from darkness
just out of reach

Know my actions aren’t me.. neither my feelings
only the love I am at the very deepest core of me.. it identifies me, it guides me
only the love that entwines our souls as I reach out for this.. whatever it is that I feel

But I know reaching and striving is ultimately fatal
and that is why I can’t miss something I see as separate
even if I do wish that my former ignorance was reality
even if your thoughts run circles in my brain constantly
even if I seek solace in their ferocity

So maybe you should go.. or maybe you should stay
trust me and my inner light.. my love.. or trust your own feelings.. maybe both are the same
but I’ll feel the sadness of your absence either way..
always here and always not
we’re lost.. never apart.. never one
Is this the way it’s meant to be?

Fate has an amusing sense of irony.

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