Initially I rejected the want to read any material due to feeling like nothing would really tell me anything I didn’t already know, deep down, but in actuality this book has brought previously unconscious information and angles of looking at things to the surface. My spiritual awakening itself was sort of like a download of a plethora of information which was too big to be contained consciously, and so it needs much time to be integrated and realized slowly. But this book is helping substantially.
I knew from the moment I became awakened that I need to learn to let ‘letting go’ become my natural state, but I didn’t realize to what extent, until lately. Although the process itself was happening naturally fine enough without too much conscious input from me, bringing it more to awareness has helped immensely. I used to spend a lot of time labelling myself with sub-personalities and ‘aspects’ of me, and whilst knowledge of these things is helpful at times, I find I need it less and less. Instead, what I actually need to just to remember to stay present.
Being present is the answer to everything. I don’t quite understand at this point quite how I used my mental processes alone to initiate my spiritual awakening.. I always took the complex route to things, circling around and gradually getting closer, instead of just going directly to the source. Of course I knew no difference back then. But I do now. The route I am taking now is just watching the mind as it tries to attach itself to something, watch myself try to identify with it, and then watch the identification slip away, unable to grasp onto anything. I could just not try to identify with anything in the first place. But I believe this would be counter-productive. Trying to stop a thought never works, and is not the point. The point is to be the all present observer. Observe EVERYTHING. That is my goal. Observe my anxiety as it comes up into my body and tries to take claim. Stay with the unease and the restlessness. It is difficult sometimes, I admit. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that things never stay the same. It will eventually pass on.
A new thing that has come up for me recently is the feeling of inherent meaningless in everything I do, now that the mind can’t seem to permanently attach itself to anything. It is a feeling of worthlessness at its core. Of course behind that feeling is a knowing of unbounded freedom. But the mind cannot see that. It is attached somewhat to boredom. As long as try to deny the boredom, I will continue to feel constrained by an apparent meaningless and worthlessness of everything I do that isn’t related to my ‘mission’ here on earth. It is only recently that I have begun to realize boredom as just another attachment. Presence knows no such thing.
It’s odd because I feel no desire to learn or categorize anything an more. The mind still tries, but it tends to fail. Which leaves it frustrated. In fact this entire post is just frustration because the mind tries to hold on but it can’t and really none of this can be explained. Only experienced. That’s the only thing that means anything anymore, even though everything means nothing and nothing means everything..
I shall leave this post in a flurry of randomness.
Keep it simple sweetie.