Let’s start at the beginning. I grew up without a father, and when I was two my mother met a man which she then married on my third birthday. Unknown to her, she’d married into abuse. I was a bubbly, happy, and somewhat uncontrollable child up to that point. However over the coming years that person who I was was suppressed to an extremity. I became quiet, withdrawn, and increasingly isolated to a degree to which no child should ever have to experience.
This problem was compounded by the fact that I was bullied in my school years, something I believe was a sad unconscious knock on effect due to the abuse I was receiving at home. When I moved to secondary school I decided that I wanted to have friends, but that was when my problems with split personalities started to emerge. My younger self that had been repressed almost to the point of no return had decided that it would use this chance to emerge. Of course my younger self was very friendly, so it only makes sense that that part of me would come out in order to try and make friends.
However the problem that I soon encountered, unknown to me at the time, was that that part of me was severely underdeveloped. I had no control over it whatsoever, and in a bid to try and regain the attention that it hadn’t adequately received over the last nine years, it took over me completely and became more or less a god to annoying and unbelievably impulsive attention seeker. I can’t really explain how bad it was, but let’s just say my hopes of gaining friends were completely shattered.
In my second year of secondary school I moved schools, and by this time that part of me had calmed down just enough to make some friends. It was still extremely impulsive though, and by this time my more violent tendencies were starting to take over. instead of being bullied, I was slowly turning into the bully. Only a natural thing really after being abused for so long. It needed an outlet, and unaware of what I was doing I started taking it out on other people by hurting them.
At this point, just before my thirteenth birthday, my parents decided enough was enough and they pulled me out of school completely. I became home-schooled. The next three years were probably the worst in my life. My step-dad you see never had a job, so I had to put up with him 24/7. Not only that but I was basically not allowed any friends. I basically spent those three years cooped up hiding in my room doing almost next to nothing, apart from studying, because I wasn’t really allowed to have many hobbies either. It was.. god awful.
During those four years I had time to reflect on my behaviour at school. Coming to terms with the wrongness of my actions, I started to repress that side of myself, as if my step-dad hadn’t repressed it enough already. Not really knowing what was going on, I convinced myself that in future I wouldn’t be so reckless and that I would be more civilized.
When I was fifteen I managed to somehow, finally, after five years, procure myself a guitar that I was allowed to play. This was the beginning of a new phase in my life, and by the time I was sixteen I was accepted onto a music course in college, after somehow having managed to convinced my step-dad to let me go. However, this started the second worst part of my life, which was completely god awful in a completely different way.
At first everything was okay, but as time went on, that repressed impulsive part of me started to rear its ugly head again. Not only that, but my depression hit an all time low. It was like an explosion of three years worth of trapped feelings due to dissociation from being completely isolated was attacking me from every corner. It was unbearable. My parents took me out of college again because of it and because of step-dad’s need to control me, and the summer before my seventeenth birthday was so bad I started planning my own suicide.
Unable to deal with the feelings as I was, I eventually became dissociated again, until a year later I joined a church and the impulsivity came back. So I isolated myself again out of habit and so on and so on. The next three years until my step-dad was forced to leave was a continuation of the impulsive-dissociated cycle that had pervaded my entire life since his arrival.
Roughly about this time last year, when he left, I started to realize that I had a problem with my psyche being ‘split’. In a bid to sort it out, I did the only thing I knew how to do, and over time completely repressed and eradicated absolutely everything split off that kept trying to force its way up. In doing this, a new part part of me formed, presumably for the repressed aspects to find an outlet in a less impulsive way. This was the beginning of my ‘sociopathic’ phase.
The underdeveloped, impulsive, and violent part of me was basically still in control, but it had found a new way to control me, by making me think that I was controlling it instead. As long as I didn’t get too impulsive then it was free to press its agenda. Its need for attention turned into a need for revenge, and as it became darker, as written above, it split again and turned into something completely different, this time less impulsive due to wanting friends, and more hateful due to a repressed need to be heard.
As time went on though, this part of me developed its own life, and it started to squash down the impulsive part of me by its own accord. It was a control freak, and so the evil I had endured outside for years had become a part of me and carried living on without my consent. It took over me, its goal to search, destroy, and feed off anyone and anything it could. It had no life of its own really. It needed that to survive. And its main goal of survival was self protection of both itself and of me.
By this point this part of me had taken me over so completely, and it did such a good job that I believed that I’d cured my split personality problem completely, despite the huge unavoidable identity crisis I was perpetually faced with. And then at that point I was probably so broken that the universe decided it was a good idea to thrust my twin flame in my face and turn my world upside down and drag me to hell and back and then randomly give me a spiritual awakening that seems to have cured me almost completely, something I’ve written about before in a previous post.
Those past six months were basically comprised of all the walls in my psyche coming down which were separating me from the rest of myself. In more simple terms, I got to know these parts of me, parts that had taken on their own life over the years due to neglect, and I learned to accept them and to find out what they needed and then give it to them best I could, rather than repress them. These last six months weren’t easy, but I persisted.
Towards the end of this period I had my spiritual awakening, and among other things, one main thing it seems to have done is integration of those parts of me. They’re no longer so hugely split and they no longer have control of me the way they used to. I am much more whole now and I have no identity crisis. I know who I am outside of these sadly mistreated parts of me, and it’s that that keeps them together now. However, I doubt the splits will ever heal completely. I will always have these ‘parts’ of me, despite the fact they’re less splits than aspects now. But I’m okay with that, because it helps me to understand myself, and understand what I need. If I’m not sure I’ll just use a bit of mindfulness or active imagination or dream analysis to help me out. Or sometimes I can just connect directly to the part of me which keeps them all working together now, my transcendent Self, and it tells me what’s best for the whole.
So, I hope this was a sufficient enough explanation and that now people can understand just exactly what I mean when I refer to my split personalities. Perhaps I wouldn’t be accepted for a classical diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, but that doesn’t make the fact that I have a multiple personality to some degree any less real.
[I think I’ll probably write a short overview of the different aspects of me in a later post, especially since now I have new ones I’ve found further into my unconscious due to my awakening.]