Love as a Concept:
I’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. I’m not sure why exactly, maybe because I’m so devoid of it. Love seems to me a complex thing. I think love is a more complex than it should be. In theory the idea is simple, yet in reality true love is twisted beyond the point of recognition. I don’t trust anyone for this exact reason. I will always have a doubt niggling at the back of my head because I’ve noticed that people will even unconsciously manipulate people under the false pretense of love.
I’ve always felt like I’m never loved, by anyone, friends and family alike. Sure, I know that they respect me, but that’s as far as it goes, sometimes not even that. I think the idea of being loved is what compels me through life; some of the biggest fuck ups I’ve made have been searching for some apparently non-existential deep connection of love. Maybe this is an unhealthy romanticism and what I feel will vastly improve when I stop thinking about myself and start actually thinking about others.
I’ve often heard it said that, “love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice,” which I believe is entirely true, but why then is it that when we make the choice to love someone completely unselfishly you feel worse than if you decided to just let fate decide for you? People take advantage, that’s why, they drain you dry. Love needs to be replenished, and if you’re constantly giving love yet never feeling like you’re receiving then you will eventually end up depressed, like a zombie, devoid of what’s supposed to be the most basic substance in life, and ready to commit suicide.
That’s why now I’m generally very select to who I show love to because deep down I’m actually an incredibly sensitive person, hell I even hide it from myself. When I do show it I’d like to think that it’s pure and 100% unselfish, but this has to obviously be untrue. There are many presumptions that affect us as people on a subconscious level, presumptions that incline us to make decisions that we’re not entirely aware of, decisions that only a select few of external persons can understand.
Does love really exist though? If it were a substance then surely it would be tangible? Ideas and concepts are not tangible, just like hypothesis’ and theories. So then, is love merely an illusion of hope for the weak-minded? Or maybe a chemical by-product for the theory of evolution? Or a way God uses to keep us in line, if even just slightly? I find that the scripture “love thy neighbour as thyself and all the rest shall come to pass,” is useful only as a moral compass, not necessarily useful for emotional well-being.
Personally I’ve given up on trying to find love, or even it’s meaning. I find that I can recharge better when I let other people do the loving yet making sure that I stay emotionally distant from them in order to not expend any of my own reserves. Maybe this sounds selfish but it gets me by quite nicely. I find myself quite content. There are times though when I do get an overwhelming urge to just pour my heart put to someone, just anyone, and love them till they bleed, but if I did that then I’d be an emotional wreck because I’d end up using it all and not getting any back.
I hate the idea that I’ve fallen into the trap of being like everyone else and taking this concept of love instead of giving it, but it’s self preservation above self sacrifice at the end of the day. Maybe one day the right person will come along, maybe not, and maybe love is just one big fantasy. Either way, I’ve accepted that love may not the big answer everyone is looking for, and until then I’ll be alone, and happy for it more so than if I were a free giver of love and personally depleting myself of all that’s good and true.